Thursday, December 23, 2010

it's (not) just another manic monday

He tells me in his bedroom voice
C'mon honey, let's go make some noise
Time it goes so fast
When you're having fun

why yes, I do like listening to The Bangles :)

anyway, life.
got updated on grades today.
I have 5 A's and 1 A- at the moment. which i am freaking happy about. i feel good.

life is interesting.

i must disappoint some of you just the tiniest bit by admitting the fact that i did indeed smoke the first cigarette ever in my entire life yesterday.
basically, i was trapped at school because i had to stay for a test. was majorly majorly "OMFG WTF AM I GONNA DO" stressed because of an incident in one of my classes and basically the one thing i could think of i knew would surely spring me back into place so i could manage to take that test was to smoke a cig.
maybe that sounds stupid. and i guess it kinda does when i can't completely make people understand just how stressed out and upset i was. i was already feeling sick that day. i couldn't take it. it was too much and i couldn't walk away.

the good news is, LESSON FREAKING LEARNED.
smoking sucks. sure, i felt better afterwards, all calmed down, but later that night my throat was all scratchy and i had to perform a solo at church (i actually successfully pulled it off anyway, even with the high A-flat in the song)and my throat felt like crap.

and i must say, i have a better understanding now out there to anyone dealing with that addiction to smoking. i already understood it, but now i really REALLY get it, and i wish anyone out there who's trying to quit or has quit and is struggling with occasional or frequent cravings (including my boyfriend) the best of luck in that venture. i can see how it could be really tough.

and now, my curiosity about it is satisfied as well.

otherwise, total happiness. my lovely boy is coming to visit me on Monday, hence the title of the post. it's going to be a good day.
and being my dorky self, i'm going to the airport in my Team Rocket cosplay to make it super easy for him to spot me out. yep. I know some of you are laughing at me and shaking your head right now at this, but whatever. you know i'm weird like that.

i hope everyone has a happy holiday time/break/etc and gets to spend it with someone special to them, whether it be family, friends, or even pets. i have my child right here next to me, loving on me. he's adorable as ever.

i love you all. i'm spending christmas with a good friend of mine from school, spending the sunday after with my family here, and monday i go to the airport. total win.

all my love,

PS. i fail. i still don't have christmas cards finished for some people. i'm going to try getting them done tonight so i can send them out. by now, they'll be late, but oh well.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Interview with the Pharmacist


i am excited. the interview i had today went really well. it seemed like i have a really really good chance at getting this position, which would be so AMAZING.

i've learned to like Walgreens. i looked at all kinds of things on their web site earlier and found out that the company is all about equality for its LGBT employees. how cool is that? they have benefits for people in domestic partnerships and such.

not that i'm necessarily going to end up in one, but just in case. and i'm a big fan of people and companies that support that kind of thing.

christmas is in less than a week and i still havent sent out any cards, but i'm working on it starting now.
they may get there late.

i hope you all have happy holiday time with family and friends.
i'm spending christmas with a friend of mine, the day after with family, and the next day is the day my boyfriend comes to visit.

major excitement.

things are looking up. well, finally.

i love this.

life is getting better each day. even without meds, which makes me happy because i so much prefer not taking anything. i can handle it.
i have self-control. i do.

all my love,

PS. people should totally skype with me. seriously. i have my computer online a lot just in case anybody gets the chance. let me know though if you ever want to.

Ex #6

here is a beginning piece i wrote to a possible short story based on actual facts in my life at the time. I titled it- Don't Just Say Goodbye. Not going to say which person i was actually with at the time, but some of you can surely guess if feel like it.

“I just…I love you.”
That’s all I could say to him. I stood there with my head down, staring at the carpet, fighting back the tears, as always. He didn’t seem to get it. It apparently wasn’t getting through to him that I was being sincere.
“Heather, it just can’t work. You know that. You can’t just keep acting like this. You can’t keep acting like things will magically get better and everything will be fine. Look at yourself. Look at where you are in your life.” He sighed. “Why can’t you just accept this?” He shook is head.
“I understand where I’m at, and how it looks,” I said. “But I can’t just give up and lose faith that I can do this. I thought you’d understand. I figured you’d be able to support me on this. I thought you loved me. And well, honestly, I still think you do.”
I started crying anyway. Just a little. I was holding back, trying so hard to stay cool and continue talking. “I know you care. I know you love me. It hurts how much you push me away. I feel so alone and confused…and empty.” I put my hands over my face, keeping my mouth uncovered so the words will still be clear. “It’s so…frustrating…to see you acting like this. I was hoping at least our friendship could hold after all of this. Even though I want so much to be with you.” I sighed, and halted my words. I wasn’t sure where to go on. What to say. It was all seemingly pointless with him not really taking my words in all sincerity.
“Is that it?” he asked. Now he spoke with an obvious tone of frustration. “Why can’t you just face it? Settle down. It’s not that big of a deal. You know what you need to do. So why don’t you do it already?”
He was referring to me asking my father to buy a plane ticket so I could go live in PA with him, and getting my mother and stepfather to let me stay with them for the time until then.
I wanted to tell him it truly, even now, was because I couldn’t leave him. I couldn’t let him go like that. I was too stubborn to give up, even at this point.
“It’s…complicated. You still don’t get it. I can’t explain it to you apparently. It’s not that simple. Just…I know what I need to do. I know what’s up. I’ll watch out for myself. Stop stressing so much. I’m fully aware of the choices I’m making, of the impact they have. Why can’t you just support me?”
Again, he shook his head.
“You know me…I see things logically. I have to be rational. I can’t believe in something that’s obviously not going to happen. You know that. I do care and that’s why I’m trying to get you to do all this. It’s for your own good. You need to do it. Please do it. Please let me have peace of mind on this. I’m worried about where you end up. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”
I knew I couldn’t keep from crying any longer. “Okay.”
“See you later then…” I mumbled. I walked away with the tears already streaming down my face. Every time I talked to him it seemed like I wasn’t getting anywhere. Like I wasn’t getting any further in getting him to realize what was going on with me.
I know I’m always going to love him. I know he’s the one I want. But that’s my problem. My life right now prevents that from happening. And thus, I’m losing faith in everything I've had it in for so long. I’m becoming apathetic and empty and confused. And I loathe myself completely for it.

Friday, December 17, 2010

the future is now

so iam going to Walgreens on Sunday for an interview. this is cool. the guy who is interviewing me is the pharmacy manager, who also happen to be an instructor at my school. my chances of getting this job look pretty good. it would be cool if i could get it because i've been rather worried about finding a job after school.

it would be so amazing if this works out. i could finally get on with the next step to moving on with my life and really making it my own.

meanwhile, love is on the way. i get to see him on the 27th. it looks i won't be spending christmas alone either. a friend of mine offered to come get me since my father will be gone most of the day.

i am happy.

things are falling into place and working out and i'm not as stressed as before.

now all i need is less physical pain and new glasses. i'm not sure what i'll do about the glasses. i am thinking walmart maybe is my best bet. just have to figure out where i'll get the money from to pay for them. maybe if i get this job i can get them. who knows?

i hope everyone is having fun on their breaks. i'm kinda sad i can't somehow visit my california or oklahoma families. maybe some other time.

all my love,

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Finding a home

found a place inside your heart
where the sky is never dark
yet always filled with the stars
where i can dance my days away
and be filled with joy
as you sing to me
i'll be waiting there always

i am happy. i won't have to spend my break alone. joy is coming. or already here, actually.

and so i say to you that i wish you the best because such is life and we should try to be happy.

i am thinking that life is about to do another turn.

i sorta maybe kinda got saved just a little bit yesterday.
heard from someone who passed on that now is the time.
i'm ready.

i don't know where this road will lead me but i will keep the pace and try to have fun with it.

let's all have a good time.

all my love,

Friday, December 10, 2010

as the story goes

i don't want to be perfect.
i want to be me.
because that's who i should be.
and that's who i am when he loves me.
and i wouldn't have it any other way.

i am really, really happy. and i have a really, really good feeling this is going to last for quite a while.

i am finally breaking through the surface a little and breathing in a breath of fresh air and it's wonderful. i love it.

i am not so stressed. i am finding my own way of letting go and not being so obsessed with being perfect and organized 24/7 and etc etc.
i no longer freak out when i miss a few questions on a test. i no longer get overly anxious about finding out what i got on a test.

now if i could just find a way to relieve some of the physical pain i'd be good to go.

i am happy.
like super amazing awesome yes i know i'm cool yes.

i am dancing through the streets and singing at the top of my lungs and not caring if anyone heres and i smile at everyone i see and it feels so good.

i thought about it, and it was good.

i mean, what more could i ask for?
i have two more months left of school.
then i take my cert test and if i pass i'll be certified.
i've already been looking around for a job a bit.

it's totally cool.
i'm excited.
i'm excited about the rest of my life!
I can't wait!

love you all,

Thursday, December 9, 2010

and just do we're clear


i am happy.

ya dig?

life has become quite clear and for the most part better. and stuff. like..yay. seriously. i've been all motivated lately, while at the same time have been able to relax. one night i got 8 hours sleep straight, no waking up, in the first time in years upon years. yes. at the same time, there is less stress. i like myself more. i am not so obsessed with certain things anymore, like being perfect. i am me and i am awesome.

all my love,

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

there are differences

if my last blog seemed out of place or strange or whatever...well i can explain.
it was a collab of sorts.
the words in italics were not by me. they were from Kira.
one of our little inner conversations, if you will.
here it is, evidence out in the world.
i could get in trouble, but I didn't post it in the first place. Kira did.
same with the facebook status and apparently my deviantart despite the fact that deviantart and my blog we agreed were "off-limits"
though i am thinking they need an outlet of their own now.

if another blog shows up, do not be surprised. even though it won't be me. but it might be interesting to give them a chance to say something. if ever they feel like it.

i have no idea. i'll figure it out at some point.

it doesn't have to make sense. i never said it did.

it's all personality.

all my love,

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

monsters under your skin

do not get up. do not move. no.

it is 3am and i swear he is standing there by the door. lurking. always lurking. what did i do now?

those eyes burn. hell fire. you know it's too late now.

it's been awhile. and why can't it be like before? the demon is back. the angel retreated. he's watching you.

do not dare speak. no. you will only hear the words of that demon again. no. do not let her win. no. do not let her ruin your chances. she can only bring hurt. don't do it.

get up. get up now. face the world now. here you will see the truth.

why is he still haunting me? and why is it that i cannot have the control? i want control. no more Kira. no more. Kira got me into trouble. Kira liked to fight. Kira liked to win. Kira liked to break hearts. Crush everyone beneath her. no. not now. not here. not him. not this time.

but there is no way to get away. don't be so foolish. remember how lying to yourself got you nowhere? forget this. forget him. you can't fight it and you can't fight me, so just forget it.

i just want to disappear.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

refuse to fall

yesterday, i was so stressed out. so close to completely breaking down and giving into the things i try not to do.


i refused to give in.

a friend offered me a cigarette because i came out of class so incredibly stressed out about the test i had just taken.
i have never smoked a cigarette ever in my entire life. never. but sometimes, i feel like it. i was so close to taking her up on that offer, but then i said no. why? i don't know. my thoughts immediately turned to a certain person who because of me is determined never to smoke another cigarette ever again. knowing that, how could i start?

so i refused. got more stressed out as the day wore on because my father does not react with sympathy but rather makes remarks that make me feel worse.
and when i asked him to please not turn on christmas music while we were in the car headed home he did anyway. i continued to ask him to turn it off and made it obvious that it bugged me and he just kept playing it.
and i sort of snapped. i don't remember the last time exactly i raised my voice like that, but i know last time it was directed at the same person, my father, since he always manages to set me off somehow, usually because he won't actually listen to what i'm saying.

i got home. i craved my old addiction so much. i was right there, sitting on my bed, the opportunity right in front of me to give in to that once more.

and i ran. i grabbed my coat and my phone and headphones and left the house. wanted to get as far away as possible from the possibility of doing something like that.

i walked and walked and walked. it was freezing outside. the sun was setting and i just kept walking further and further away from my house. i was afraid to go back.

all my fears of late crashed down on me and i fell to pieces and freaked out and didn't know what to do.

but a brave soul(i think he's brave for talking to me when i was like that) wouldn't leave me alone. i texted him. he texted me back. on and on. he wouldn't quit. wouldn't give up on me.

how many times before have i been in one of those moods where someone just walked out on me, or pushed me away and refused to listen, because they didn't feel like dealing with it?

so there i was, lost and confused and wondering who is this guy and why is he still talking to me.

i survived.


and the last night i actually slept really well.


all my love,

Thursday, December 2, 2010

all i need is your voice

if only.

but i guess it's a good sign when talking to someone and hearing their voice on the other side of the phone line makes one feel so much better than what was felt prior to this talk. seriously.

feeling better and feeling inspired and feeling philosophical.

tonight was a great night because of a 15 minute phone conversation. yep.

i know...i'm freaking crazy by this point.

i got an idea for a play, which by the way, i signed up to do this thing in april to write a 100 page script. yes. yes i did.

i must be crazy.

i always wanted to write a play though.

all my love,

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

daily dose

so, despite my psychotic issues being incredibly disruptive, they are not the most problematic issue i have.

yes, it gets worse.

i am tired pretty much 24/7. it's worse in the afternoons.
i have my moments where i feel like i have plenty of energy(without being manic) but those are quite rare.

what's worse is, all of my doctors have not figured out why i am this way. they are all confused because as far as they can tell, nothing is seriously wrong with me and i'm only 21 years old so wtf??

i have tried to fix this issue. i have changed my diet numerous times. i started eating meat again. i stopped eating so much carbs and sugar. i stopped drinking soda except for maybe one or two a month. i started on a B12 supplement when i was told i have a B12 deficiency. i'm taking a multivitamin now. i am doing my best to keep hypoglycemia at bay by eating 5 small meals a day.

i'm getting more sleep and doing stuff to help with my sleep. i go to bed at a reasonable time, and for the most part have made it routinely the same time every night. same with getting up. pretty much the same time every morning.

ive been exercising more as well, though not so much that it would keep me awake at night or cause me to get super exhausted. no.

it's freaking ridiculous. this isn't just feeling a bit sleepy or slightly exhausted. no. this is feeling tired to the point that i am sick to my stomach most of the time as well. i feel overheated a lot of the time as well.
it's super tough for me to get myself up in the mornings and make it through all my classes.

i have no idea what else i can do. and doctors don't seem to have any idea either.

so, does anyone else out there have suggestions? because frankly, i have no idea at this point.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

and just like that

i went on a walk to clear my head.
i was wearing a long sleeve shirt and a sweatshirt and a coat and i still felt occasional rain drops on the back of my arm

walking though. walking hasn't been working out me so much in recent months. i would go out and listen to my music and come back feeling awful still.

not tonight. tonight, by the time i got to my third song, i was already feeling so much better. i started picking more positive songs. and smiling.

i had another episode earlier. voices and all. but i pushed myself up off the floor and got out walking and let all the tension go.

things are changing for the better. i have been so incredibly happy this past week. i can handle this. i can handle myself. i can cope with these things that haunt me inside. i can.

all my love,

let's throw these memories aside

i am stressed.
i had a bit of a psychotic episode yesterday. i don't know how to describe them. i just start hearing all these malicious voices muttering awful things to me and i feel like i'm crawling in my skin and i can't settle down. i thrash about and feel like screaming and everything just seems out of control. i don't know.

these demons within, they play on my biggest weakness: THE PAST

it's like i'm not allowed to be happy. so

remind me of all the failed relationships. remind me of the abuse; emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, etc. remind me of the hurts. reminds me of the regrets. and the mistakes. and the tricks and lies.
i have been repeatedly disrespected by men in my life and i am so sick of it that i just want to avoid it as much as i can. which means avoiding men.

but what can i do? what can i do when i'm falling for yet another guy who is super nice and amazing and awesome and does and says everything right and it all seems magical and my heart is pounding in my chest screaming at me for being so scared?

i would rive myself crazy trying to figure out what to do. so i'm putting my brain and heart together. i'm listening to both sides and taking the proper precautions and staying safe and everything.

i'm not ready to give my heart away again. but maybe, if everything goes well, i will get to that point again.

yet here i am, flustered and giddy at times, thinking life is awesome the way things happen sometimes. good things can come out of nowhere and you never see them coming until it's too late to refuse them.

i am just a little confused. i'm afraid. my trust has been broken down so many times that it is tough trying to let someone else have it.

but i know i can't allow myself to sit in fear and hide away for the rest of my life. it's time for healing. recovery.

it's that new heart again. new heart.
a tiny seed was planted and now a little bud has sprouted forth and makes me feel so warm inside.

love is love. confusing-awful-wonderful-terrifying-amazing-beautiful-crazy-perfect-imperfect-hurtful-awesome-magical-sweet-bitter-unpredictable

all of it mixed up. and that still doesn't accurately describe how i feel. it's like being hot and cold at the same time. or sick and well. or happy and sad.
in extremes.

my attempts to describe love are terrible i know, but i'm doing the best i can. there is no better word to describe love than love. it is what it is. just as the heart wants what the heart wants. i can't tell my heart, new heart, to shut up and leave it be and nononono i am not doing this again so just forget it.
i can't tell my heart not to fall again. i can't.


i will survive. and will try, oh so much, to make this work. for once. please. and pray that it does.

all my love,

Saturday, November 27, 2010

jeepers creepers

I spent most of my day today at a used book store working on my novel and chatting with some of my fellow wrimo's (we have write-ins at this place every saturday) when this one guy showed up.
i was over the the smaller table alone because i needed to charge my laptop battery a little bit.
the guy almost walks by, but seeing my interesting hat(it's a black one with ear flaps and cat ears that i wore because it is freezing in that place) he just had to stop to talk to me. which didn't bother me until...
he kept talking. on and on. note the fact that his words were not spoken quite clearly (his voice sounded very muffled) and that i have never ever seen this guy in my entire life. ever. after several minutes, i was sitting there trying to figure out how i could steer the conversation in such a direction as to finish it up so i could go back to my typing. finally, he shut up and walked off.

i went back to talking.

and then he appeared again and started talking to me. again. this time, thankfully, he didn't say much before walking off again.

later on, i go off looking around the store, checking out the various books they have. I see the guy walking around, let's call him F, so immediately my instincts took over and i darted into one of the areas surrounded by books so he wouldn't see me. after a couple of minutes i emerged and he was nowhere in sight. taking caution, i began to sneak around and watch my back. i eventually crossed over to another section. and i became aware of the fact that F was walking around some distance away in the area behind me. i tried to ignore this fact so i could focus on searching the books in that area.
after about a minute a feel slightly relieved because it seems that F is not going to come over to me. in fact, he is now nowhere in sight. I continue to peruse a bit in this section.

and then i hear them. quiet footsteps. headed in my direction. and i know it's F. but instead of walking away, i continue to look through the books at hope i'm just paranoid.

i'm not. and even though i saw it coming, the instant he touched my shoulder i jumped out of my skin for a moment.

OH. MY. FREAKING. GOD. wtf is it this time??

i turn around, annoyed at the fact that i jumped (i am pretty sure i jumped even though i knew this was coming because it was so cold in the store that my back was all tensed up). i am determined to not be scared though. even though this guy is much bigger than me, probably twice my weight. i try not to panic. sure, i am alone with this guy in a dark corner of a used bookstore, but i'ts so quiet i'm pretty sure if he does anything bad my screams will be heard by everyone in the building.

and then he asks me my age. me being me, i was honest when i answered this question. in retrospect, it might not have been such a good idea to tell him my real age. i have no idea.

there was one day years ago when i was only 16 and i went walking to rite aid in my cute strappy red plaid dress and combat boots.
a guy who looks to be in his early twenties, standing right outside of rite aid, comes up to me and asks me how old i am.
crap. however, when i told him the truth he basically backed off. the good thing was that even if he hadn't i was right outside of rite aid in broad daylight and i was wearing my big combat boots. it would have been easy enough to either kick his ass or run away into rite aid had he tried anything. but he didn't. but just be safe, i hurried into rite aid and stayed in there for a while.

but back to today.
i told F my age, at which point he asked "Are you sure?"
"Well, yeah," I answered. "Why wouldn't I know my own age?"
At this point I am thinking about the fact that I often get mistaken as being only 16(which is kinda funny considering that back when I was 16 i often was mistaken as being at least 21) and that is probably why he is asking (well and obviously because he wants to know if i'm underage or not).

i then turn away and continue to look at the books, and soon enough he leaves me alone again.

but dang. wtf? what a creeper. i went back to my nano buddies and told them what happened. one of them told me that he was actually there earlier in the day last saturday as well.

so maybe it's a good thing that this was the last saturday write-in for nanowrimo. chances are i won't see F the Creeper ever again (i hope).

even so, i typed over 4000 words today. I am so far ahead i will actually reach 50000 words some time tomorrow.

total win. i am excited. i feel pretty awesome that i am accomplishing this. my novel, however, is nowhere close to actually being finished. and i have no idea when i will finally finish this first draft of it. it may be years from now because once nanowrimo is over i will probably not work on it much.
after all, it's time to get back to reality, buckle down, and study like crazy so i can improve some of the grades i currently have.

also, i have other stuff i really need to work on. i owe four people artwork that i really ought to finish by the end of december. so i really need to get working on that soon here.


all my love,

Friday, November 26, 2010

they came on the novemeber flower to eat our mashed potatoes and stuffing

obligatory turkey post. yes, i ate turkey yesterday.

one of my cousins is hilarious. there i was sitting at the table with my uncle, two cousins, and one other person, slightly thrown off by the fact that this is my father's side of the family and yet there were moments where i could swear i was back home in California or something. seriously. i'm not really sure, but one of my cousins was making comments about things(hilarious comments) that remind me of the types of things my brother says. it was cool. i was laughing so much i don't know how i managed to finish eating.

i love my grandfather. he makes me laugh. i know this is kinda not the nicest thing, but it's like this. my grandmother(his wife) is having all this trouble with her legs and back right now. more so than my grandfather, who is ten years older than her. my grandfather made a comment to me about how men marry younger women so that when they get older they have someone to take care of them, yet it didn't work out that way for him because his wife is worse off than him.
i admit it, i laughed. i thought it was funny. but i mean, if you knew them and the whole situation, you would probably laugh too.
ot's kinda crazy. he's turning 90 next year. it made me think about how if i ever get to that age if i'll be thinking "Wow, I can't believe I've actually lived this many years." seriously, it seems odd to me i think because i haven't even lived for 1/4 of the time he has. wow.

don't get me wrong, my grandmother has her good points too. and she has interesting stories of her own. talking to her yesterday made me think about how much technology has advanced in her lifetime. when she was younger, people didn't have tv's or phones. forget internet for a moment, and computers, and whatever else. the very things that make it possible for me to have this blog.
it's hard to imagine.
just like how my grandfather talked about mail being delivered/transported with horses and buggies. omg. dang.
by the time i came into this life, there was color tv and everyone has phones basically and cars and all that stuff. microwaves. whatever else.
technology is cool.

and one of my most favorite things: videogames
i miss them. my game cube and ds are still in california and chances are i won't be getting them back because my friend who has them said he would send them to me yet wants me to pay for it in advance and wont tell me how much it is going to cost. for all i know, by this point he has gotten rid of everything. oh well.

other things.
i told someone that i don't even consider dating a person unless they meet two requirements.
1. they must like anime
2. they have to be musical somehow

i'm half-serious about this. i have dated someone before who wasn't really interested in anime. it was really weird though. as for the music thing, well, music is basically my number one source of life next to breathing and blood. seriously. i couldn't survive without it, and i am crazy about it(me and music have been going steady for over 20 years) and i love to sing, dance, and play instruments and i seek that out in my mates. so it was only fitting that an ex of mine made the comment that if he and my other exes got together they could form a band. they'd basically be set. they'd have a guitar player, bassist, drummer, and cellist.

i like people who are creative and intelligent, not unlike myself.
it leads the way to really good conversations and a nice helping of self-expression.

but more than anything, i like honest people. people who tell the truth. people who show who they really are. people who share their feelings and thoughts and all that good stuff. yes.

which leads me to this.
awesome people.
guys who don't act like jerks.
people who just seem to get me.

there's a reason i've been in a much better mood lately.
with the same little detail that causes trouble.
all the really cool people live too far away from me to ever really get to see them.

never-the-less, happiness surprised me yet again.
i have the little voice reminding me of what happened back in august. telling me it's always never going to work. people lie. people hurt my feelings. people act like jerks. always eventually. or something to that effect.
the whole "why even bother? you know how this will end like every other relationship did" voice. i think we all have that voice too. the moment our very first relationship falls to pieces. that voice appears and never leaves us.

now me, i tend to ignore it. but as hurt as i was back in august, letting myself trust somebody for a second time because i really wanted it to work out, i'm almost afraid to ignore it. but at the same time, i know i'll never get anywhere if i'm too afraid to take anymore chances.

i will this happen however it will. i will follow my heart, but i will listen to my mind. to logic. to reason. i'll take risks but remain cautious.
or whatever.

i'm not jumping into anything. not this time. BUT,
i feel good about this. i have a really good feeling. okay, so maybe i had a pretty good feeling about the guy who threatened my life a couple of times, but whatever.
this feeling is better than that one. and i've learned from my mistakes, so i know what to do. i have a better idea now of when things just aren't going to work out, no matter how hard i try to make them work out.

i've been in my fair share of relationships, of all kinds and varying degrees/levels, and honestly, even with all the pain/humiliation/loss associated with pretty much every one of them, i still have learned so much. maybe more so about what works and what doesn't. especially what doesn't. and that's something i feel good about. i have experience. experience is good. even if it isn't happy.
my videogame loving mind likes to think of relationships as yet another way to gain experience points. +10 exp here. +40 exp there. and so on.
one of these days, i'll get really nerdy, try to assign exp points to all of the notable events/experiences i've had, and see what level i end up at.
and then there is this:

is it sad that the first thing i thought of when looking at this picture again was about exchange of value and that i think this would count as an implied contract( because i happen to be taking insurance procedures this term)?

anyway, the point is, i am happy. i'll leave it at that. yes, there is a person who has randomly crashed into my life and is a big part of why i am happier. but i promise you, i am being smarter about the situation this time. and i will continue to do so.

all my love,

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

video killed the radio star

I need a webcam. Seriously. So i can make videos for my sisters and get on skype with people. It is rather irritating because my laptop has a webcam, but the school removed the software for it so i can't use it. here i was all excited because I finally had a webcam, and i might never be able to use it. total fail.

I actually sort of have a christmas wish list this year.
So besides a webcam, I am also hoping for a tablet (which my father promised he would get me last year so I'm keeping my fingers crossed), new glasses (since the ones i have are broken and causing me to have headaches every day), new paintbrushes(the ones i have are the ones i got back in 9th grade) and Scupley clay (to make cool stuff for peoples :D)


life is cool. there is someone new i met who is quickly becoming one of my best friends. it is nice to feel appreciated, wanted, respected, loved.

life is working for me. i wrote a new song and hope to record it possibly before the year is over. i am pretty much caught up with Nanowrimo. It's exciting. I feel cool.

I did not get the job I was hoping for, but that is just fine. I'll keep trying. I'll get there somehow.

People make mistakes. I volunteered to get blood drawn by one of the phlebotomy students and the needle came out before she took off the tourniquet, causing blood to shoot out of my arm and onto the table, floor, and my scrub pants. I got really lightheaded, but it was no big deal as far as i'm concerned. I'm happy to help. they're learning, so i know mistakes will be made.
yet i understand the importance of volunteering. they need practice. they need real people to practice on. I'm happy to help out.

time for me run off to pharmacology class now.

all my love,

Sunday, November 14, 2010

wants and needs (and what society dicates vs. what we really are)

I am getting to a point where I feel that I would be more comfortable looking androgynous since I identify so much with both sides of me.I’m not really sure I want to take the plunge just yet and get my hair cut short, but I’m considering it.

I have come along way since I was 9 years old and had my first major crush…on a girl. At the time, i didn’t understand. I felt strange and messed up because even though my mother (being so amazing as she is) did not give me the idea that being attracted to people of the same sex was wrong, society did. Even though my mother was accepting, to me it seemed that the rest of the world did not agree with her. Society taught me that being attracted to the same sex was WRONG. INAPPROPRIATE. It was not okay for me to have feeling for a girl, that was clear. Even in church we learn at a young age that a man and a woman go together, not man and man or woman and woman. To the point where I felt confused because if such feelings were wrong than why was I even having them? I was embarrassed. I didn’t mention it to anyone. I felt like a terrible person and wished those feelings away, day after day.

It is hard to go through elementary school being one of the outcasts, one of the kids getting picked on every day, standing out somehow. Like I had a target painted on my back. I was already different enough that I got pushed away by fellow classmates and became more and more silent as the days went by. More and more of an outcast. To be ridiculed by all but a few classmates who took enough time to get to know me and soon realized that I could be a really cool person.

So imagine how I felt when I realized that there I was, with one more thing to separate myself from everyone else. I was frustrated. All I wanted was for people to accept me and like me and here came feelings that widened the gap. And i hated myself for it. I hated that I had those feelings. I rejected the idea that they could ever prove to be meaningful and wonderful and instead pushed that part of me far away.

This is the first time I have voiced these feelings publicly. In recent years, i mentioned that part of my childhood to a few close friends, very few.

The pain and frustration of my 9-year-old self lasted up into high school. I finally came out and told certain people about my sexuality for the first time when i was 15, to a close friend. But even then, I felt weird and embarrassed about it. It still didn’t feel right.

When I was 16 I began to feel a little bit more comfortable and began to fully understand and realize who I was. I began to acknowledge that those feeling were real and important, that they weren’t going away, and that nothing was really wrong with them. Until that year I told another close friend, finally feeling comfortable with using the term “bi” and she walked away from me right then and there and we haven’t spoken since. My spirits shot down again after that. I was scared to tell anyone ever again.

Then school rolled around the next year. My senior year of high school. I was still struggling to find my little niche with people I knew would really, truly accept me. And I got lucky. There is one friend in particular who really helped me come to terms, finally, with who I was and who I found myself attracted to. Her name is Salena and I love her dearly. I don’t think I ever mentioned to her how much she helped me to finally feel comfortable with that part of myself, but that’s how it is. She had the same kind of feelings towards girls I had been having, so we were able to relate to each other a lot. It really opened my eyes. Here was this cool, awesome, amazing, beautiful, seemingly confident girl who wasn’t afraid to be who she was. And it opened my eyes finally to the idea that there is acceptance out there for people like me. That I shouldn’t be afraid to be myself. That being attracted to girls/women is not wrong at all.

Now here I am, exploring even more my sexuality and gender identity. It was only this year that I began to discover words that went beyond male/female or homo, hetero, and bi. I finally found words that fit who I am.

So here I am, world.

My name is Heather. I am pansexual and genderqueer and I love that I am that way because I love me for who I am, inside and out.

just another week

So this past week threatened to be disastrous. But I am still here. I am alive. I survived.

Sunday-I felt awful. Sick. Exhausted. Knew I needed to study. Hoped I would have a better time with my tests in the coming week (since the Friday before I took a test while I was manic and silently freaking out and couldn't think straight or manage to remember a whole bunch of things I had learned.)Felt irritated a bit by my father that night.

Monday-Felt a bit better. Tried to relax. Couldn't seem to relax. Tried to study. Couldn't focus. Did some puzzles in attempt to take my mind of all the crap. Hoped at least that would feel better for for Tuesday.

Tuesday-Woke up after having a really freaky nightmare. Felt a bit less sick but got up late. Had to rush around, no time to shower, almost late to class. Stressed out about needing better grades in two of my classes.

Wednesday-Horror. Woke up around 4:30 in the morning. Something hard underneath me. Discovered it was my glasses. Pulled them out and decided part was missing, still under me. Thinking Oh crap, not this again. Turned on light to try and see what had happened to them. So disoriented I gave up and tried to sleep more.
Got up later and figured out the the glasses could not be easily fixed, if at all. Got my father to tape them together for me since I couldn't see to do it myself.
More horror. Classes went fine until A&P at 12. Girl (who has often been disruptive and rude in class before) gets up in front of entire class and says she has something to say. Thinking oh god, now what? but did not expect what was coming. In front of the entire class, she accuses me and a friend of mine in the class of discussing other people's grades and talking shit about them behind their backs, of speaking up too much in class and not giving anyone else a chance to answer, and basically being kind of stuck-up and thinking we're better than her, are grades are better, ha ha. Goes on to make statements about saying things to her face (though i later learn she talks about me behind my back) and a comment that basically translated into the "My life is so much harder than yours though. That's why my grades aren't as good as yours." excuse. Which we all know is bullshit, or some of us anyway (all i can say is that me and my friend have all kinds of issues going on and it was ignorant for her to assume we have it easy).
Basically, the whole things was a lie. All of it. Not one bit was true. Me and my friend only discuss each other's work and grades, not others. We don't even know other's grades most of the time anyway. I rarely speak up in that class or raise my hand to answer questions, so I was confused where she had gotten that idea from. And I certainly don't go around bragging about being better than people because i get better grades (I found out later that somebody supposedly saw on my facebook a bunch of stuff where I was bragging all the time and saying i was better than people and similar things. (Not only is this not true, but only three people at that school even have access to my facebook, none of whom were the same people making such accusations).
This incident led to my facebook status about being better than people because I'm more mature, not because I'm smarter (and i hope most of you who saw that realized I was being sarcastic and making my own little joke to lighten the stress on me from that day.) I NEVER boast about being better than people ever. Except in situations where I was clearly joking among close friends who knew very well I didn't really mean it.

Thursday-Resolve to just ignore/not talk to anyone who chimed in with their own accusations from the previous day. (This included the one girl who has every class with me, but oh well. She'll have to find help with homework elsewhere now. I don't tolerate being disrespected by people if i don't have to.)
Discussed the issue of the day before to the teacher whose class it had occurred in, so hopefully it won't happen again. Breathed a sigh of relief when no further accusations were made.
Had a hypoglycemic episode but managed to get some free food from the luncheon that day before I passed out. Still felt like crap afterward.
Went home with an awful headache. Irritated because my taped up glasses now sat slanted on my face and messed with my vision.
Came home. Found out about over half of my coffee was now gone because of guy that rents room in our house (and it was one of those big Folger tubs, too). Frustrated because coffee is not exactly cheap but I mainly rely on it to settle my stomach since I wake up feeling nauseous almost every morning.

Friday-Exhausted from the week. Stressed. Annoyed even more by my broken glasses. Spent almost entire duration of my last class of the day not wearing glasses because my eyes were so irritated from them being slanted and screwing with my vision.
Some people asked me if I was okay because apparently I looked sick, but my only issue was with the glasses.

Saturday-Tried to de-stress. Had a very pleasant conversation with a friend of mine that lifted my spirits. Felt pretty good about the day.
Then on my way up the stairs, full glass of milk in hand, i slipped and fell, bruising my leg in three places to the point where it hurt like hell. Somehow managed to only spill a little bit of my milk, but pulled the railing for the stairs loose.

And now it's a new week. My leg is still sore. I actually, on a whim, went to church this morning and it went okay. I even ended up singing with the choir since I was familiar with today's anthem.

I got through the week though. My glasses are still broken (not like I have any money to get new glasses) so yeah. Bleh.

When life gives you crap, the best thing you can do is hope it comes out the right end. (hahaha. get it?)

All my love to all y'alls who read this (and don't think i'm a total loser. if you do, gtfo. seriously. though i mean this in the nicest way possible. not really.


PS. To those of you who don't know, gelatin is made from animals. Seriously. From collagen in their skin and bones.

PPS. If I just ruined Jell-O and all other gelatin-containing foods for you (like gummy bears, other assorted gummy candies, and chewing gum and oh yeah, marshmallows) then, NO, I am not sorry for telling you the truth. (okay...maybe I'm a little sorry, but I'll get over it).

Sunday, November 7, 2010

and don't forget

I'm doing NaNoWriMo this year, even though I have school now. And I am finding that finally buckling down and getting to work writing the fantasy novel I've had in my head since around 5th grade has some therapeutic value. I have nearly 7000words right now. While I'm still behind, according the the NaNoWriMo site, I'm not too far off. I'm finding that writing this story is easy. i have it all in my head. i just have to figure out how to say it. but at least i am finally getting the basic story recorded somewhere other than my brain, and maybe i can work on it more later. Even if all i do with it is share it with friends or something. i like it. i like writing.

Also, I need to write myself a note about helping people. Because that always seems to be what makes my life feel worthwhile. Getting to talk to someone, give them advice, help them out, or even just be someone that listens to them. I live for this kinda thing, apparently. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I know someone feels better about some issue because I helped them out.

There's a reason i'm going into the medical field, after all, rather than pursuing art. I like helping people. I like doing good things. i like making people smile.

So does life have a purpose? you bet it does. I just need to remember that helping people is mine, at least for now.

All my love,

Friday, November 5, 2010


1. I am not happy with my life. I have moments where nothing matters anymore, and all the magic is gone. Where logic explains everything, except some things that religion doesn’t answer either. And I wonder what I should do when life gets that way for me. I wonder if being alive has any meaning at all. If we all just die, and that’s it, then what? Where is the purpose? What is the use? etc. There are things I wish I didn’t know, too. Things that hurt.

You might tell me that nobody is happy with their life. But when I say I am not happy, I mean I am the opposite. Quite so. Not happy at all. About anything. That is just how I feel sometime.

I go back to the belief I am just a chemical machine. I will eventually run out of fuel and die. I will eventually malfunction, stop working. And then I will be gone.

The end.

How do people get themselves to believe in gods or heaven or anything like that?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

combined this time

more from tumblr thing-

Five people that mean a lot(i cheated)

1. My family

2. Doug

3. Yunji

4. Salena

5. Krysten

aka the people who helped me survive during my lowest of times
I dearly love/appreciate/care about you all <3

With all my heart,


Four turn-offs:

1.lying (if won't like you if i don't trust you)

2. disrespect (without respect, you might as well forget it)

3. lack of basic hygiene (you better not smell bad or look gross, basically)

4. abuse of any kind (DUH.)

Sunday, October 31, 2010

and everything fell apart

he just commented on a fb status. said something not so nice.

and i suddenly feel like i got shot and my insides are dissolving.


i don't want feel like this anymore.

i wish my body would stop reacting this way.

i feel sick now. and dizzy.



i found him. Patrick. i figured out who he is/was, by doing some searching with the information he had given me.

turns out that Patrick was his middle name.
Ryan Patrick Halligan.

i didn't mention this before, but i had learned that his last name was similar to mine, so i started looking around for a Patrick Hannigan that committed suicide, and it was right there. The picture looks almost exactly like him, only that the Patrick i know is older (the age he would've been if he were still alive).


it's eerie. he had told me he had committed suicide, that he remembered being rejected by a girl who originally told him she liked him, but that it turned that she had been lying to him the whole time because she though it would be funny.
he also mentioned that he had been bullied a lot.

that's all i knew, though.
but i found a website and everything and what he told me and the picture and all of it fits, and i know for sure that it's him. i have this feeling, you know? i can't explain it.

i still know why he ended finding me, or what i should do.
but i feel like maybe i'm getting somewhere with this.

of the many

in light of today's part of the tumblr challenge, which focused on regrets, here i will mention my three biggest regrets. i face the fact that everyone has regrets. and there is nothing we can do but to move forward, really, and not let our guilt over the past stop us.

1. That I didn't stop taking Lamictal sooner, back when I first noticed that something wasn't quite right. Before things got so much worse. Before it really messed up so many things. I voiced my concerns about it to my psychiatrist, but he waved them away, saying that it was a really safe medication and that I probably just needed a higher dose. I complained every time, but what I really wish I had firmly stated that I wouldn't take it anymore and requested a change. Because the doctor kept shooting my complaints down, I went with it. I felt defeated. And partially I was afraid that if even if I chose to taper off of the med and get completely off of it, without doctors orders, that I might get worse. And things being as bad as they were, i really didn't want them to get worse.
But after I got off the medication, much later, after a whole shitload of damage had been done, I immediately noticed an improvement in all things that were problematic while on the medication.

2. Putting on a mask of normality/calm and outright lying just to get out of the hospital sooner, both times that I ended up in a hospital for psychiatric purposes. Both times, once I was in, I ended up being more focused on getting out because of something family-related. So I went back to the mask I wear most of the time, acting like everything is fine, like nothing is so bad, like I'm not burning away inside. Because I have never been very revealing about the entire story of what goes on, nobody has figured out for sure what's going on with me. Right now, the diagnosis sits at Bipolar Type 2, borderline schizophrenia, and borderline personality disorder. You'd think I'd realize that if I end up in a hospital because of a suicide attempt that I should be focused on getting help for myself, but instead, I was worried I wouldn't get out in time last year for Thanksgiving so i could go be with my family, instead of them wondering what the heck was going on with me.
I am hoping that later on, when I get a job and can afford doctor visits again, that I can kind of start at the beginning and tell them everything I can to help them properly diagnose me.

3. Letting a guy named Kurt (who I knew from school) take advantage of me. I regret this because when I look back on it, it just seems stupid. So much, that it's the one thing I never really mentioned to anybody, except a few close friends. I felt embarrassed, stupid, pathetic because it happened. The guy in question was a short, skinny guy from my high school. I could have easily beaten him up. He didn't have any weapons or anything to threaten me with. I had a bike with me (aka an easy way out) and he didn't. But at the time, I was out riding my bike, trying to calm down, after having cut myself a lot and crying my eyes out. I was in such a fucked up state of mind that I freaked out and got scared, panicked and couldn't think straight. (If I had never stopped in the first place, it never would've happened. But for some reason, I did, and after that, it all went horribly wrong).
The next day was the day i called my mom and said I wanted to be admitted to the mental hospital.
(What really did me in, in this particular situation, was the fact that certain things trigger memories that in the past, like then, caused me to freeze up and not be smarter about the situation).

In all honesty, thse three things don't cross my mind a whole lot.
The first one does the most, only because it affected so many things in my life, and I tend to wonder how things could've gone differently had I chosen to stop taking the medication the first time I knew something was wrong.

Things like thse are lessons though. That is how i think of them.
Lessons on my failings, faults, flaws, etc.
My main focus on reviweing them is usually to come up with ways to not make the same mistakes, mainly by trying to be more confident and stron-willed as a person. t not let people keep me from speaking when I know in my heart that it's important for me to speak up about an issue.

All my love,

PS. May all of you, my friends/family, learn and improve yourselves due to your past regrets.

Friday, October 29, 2010

if you ever want to win me over

Eight Ways to Win My Heart (another thing i took from my tumblr)

1. Do something spontaneous and incredibly romantic (i.e. randomly taking me to an empty park at night to sit close to each other and just watch the stars)
2. Write me a poem or song
3. Act like a gentlemen (be polite, courteous; open doors for me; walk me to my door; etc)
4. Blind me with science ;)
5. Listen to what I have to say and understand me.
6. Appreciate me.
7. Accept me for who I am (and all the issues I might have because hey, we all have them) and let me be me.
8. Love me.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

9 things about me

i stole took this from my tumblr. it's part of some 10 day challenge on there and i felt like posting today's part on here. i will also probably post the one for tomorrow.


1. in person, you will meet m as a cheerful, funny, intelligent girl who enjoys her time. yet on the inside, i have low self-esteem, i’m broken up, constantly feeling defeated and alone.

2. i would every single person in the world if i could, no matter who they are. just because i love to share my love with others.

3. i don’t like odd numbers, except for 1, 3, 5, and 7. seriously, they bother me.

4. nobody has ever called me “fat” and meant it, but that is how i usually feel when i look at myself in the mirror.

5. i am still in love with a boy who, on at least two occasions, almost choked me to death. and i have no idea why, except that i remember how i felt whenever i was with him in the moments where everything was calm. it just felt so right, no matter how wrong it could seem at other times.

6. i am a perfectionist. and i get really upset when i don’t know an answer on a test in school. i start to feel like i’m going crazy sometimes when that happens. but i am learning to deal with it.

7. i get really stressed out easily. it doesn’t take much because i overstress about everything…basically.

8. i like to pretend i’m someone else when i’m alone.

9. i am often misunderstood. my actions are at times. to the point where people question my intentions (as if i ever intended to hurt anyone…)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

not that life is always fair

so i got a B on my first pharmacy procedures test this term. i would've had an A if the teacher took out the question that shouldn't have been there.

basically, i proved to her that the info for the question hadn't been presented in the text, and we hadn't really discussed it in class. At first, she said she would discredit that question, but then changed her mind because she said she didn't feel like trying to figure out the points. Which annoys me.
She's the teacher, but if she makes a mistake, she should fix the issue, whether she feels like it or not.

but that's life. i'll deal. one B doesn't mean I can't still get an A.

i'm more concerned that i won't learn what i need to to pass my certification exam.

i care somewhat about grades because better grades makes me look better if an employer takes any interest in what my grades were.

i think the problem is that she used the previous teacher's test without taking enough time to really look over it and make sure we were getting the info covered on the test. there were actually several typos on it, too, that i had to ask about when taking it.

So hopefully, it will get better. I'm just having a really hard time really understanding what we are learning because she speeds through things and I can't tell for sure what needs to be focused on the most. It's confusing.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

all you need is love

i need love like i need iron. sure, i can survive on just a little bit, but if i don't have enough i can;t ever live a full life. like i won't ever have the energy.
(i considered saying i need love like i need oxygen, but without enough oxygen i wouldn't be alive. and i'm still here, so...)

love can heal things that nothing else can. love, i have noticed in the past, can be the best medicine at times. sometimes the right person(who ironically might also be the wrong person) makes you feel like you really belong just where you are, like nothing can break you, like you are completely, wonderful safe and warm and all the pain is gone, even if just for a moment.

what i wouldn't give for a nice, long, hug from a friend right now. seriously.
i've come to appreciate how amazing something as simple as a hug really can be, how much it really does for someone. for me, hugs have the friendly, warm side to love that always cheers me up a little, makes my day brighter. i miss all my friends and all the hugs i used to get. warm fuzzies.

loneliness eats away at us. it really does.

i could really use some hugs.

all my love,

under the circumstances

first day of my second week of my second term and i'm already incredibly unhappy with how school is going. one bad teacher is dragging the rest of it down with me. seriously. i'll have to work this out somehow, but for now it just plain sucks.

the story is, basically, we got a new teacher because the last teacher quit since she got hired at another school where she would make more money and actually have benefits and stuff. she was an amazing teacher and i was sad to see her go, but i don't blame her for leaving for a better job.
so new teacher comes in. who has never taught pharmacology. who has no background in the subject, except for one class in her R.N. program that she is currently trying to finish.
in other words, she doesn't have much idea how to do her job effectively. and it's dragging me down.

took my first test with her today. i think i actually might have failed it. it was THAT BAD. i wanted to cry. it's really annoying that i've been thrown into this. i feel unsure whether i can be successful in accomplishing the main thing i need to do after going through the education. the certification test.
having a teacher who really has no idea about what the test is like scares me. if you don't know what it's like, how can you prepare someone else for it.

if this continues, i might have to go talk to someone in administration about it. because i don't know what else i can do. but i can't learn anything like this.
not to mention her voice drags on and she has a bit of an attitude like she doesn't really care.


Monday, October 25, 2010

you can't change who i am

65% Oxygen
18% Carbon
10% Hydrogen
3% Nitrogen
1.5% Calcium
1.2% Phosphorus
0.2% Potassium
0.2% Sulfur
0.2% Chlorine
0.1% Sodium
0.05% Magnesium
2.3g Iron
<0.05% each Copper, Iodine, Zinc, Cobalt
<0.01% each Selenium, Fluorine
+ trace amounts of manganese, molybdenum, nickel, chromium, boron
water, proteins, lipids, apatite, carbohydrates, DNA, ions, gases, other small molecules, free radicals
muscle, fat, bones, teeth, brain, nerves, connective tissue, blood, lymph, urine, air, digestive substances
bacteria and other microorganisms

oh, for the love of science!


right now in A&P we are learning about blood. one of my favorite things!
i like drawing molecular formulas for different things, oxytocin being one of my favorites(guess why) and i've been looking more into said formulas of different drugs(which you can actually find on monographs that you should be getting with any prescription drugs you know that big folded up paper in the bag...)

i've always had an interest in chemical composition and drugs are cool and that's my favorite part of pharmaceuticals, but i don't think i'd last through all the school i'd need to get into that area or work. still, it's interesting.


Saturday, October 23, 2010

error message #1,224,576

if it were that easy to let go of all those things, we wouldn't be having this conversation.


some people just suck sometimes. and life in general.


they way some messages ar worded, even without a voice saying them...
well i hear the patronizing note in it.
we know how some people are, and we know how they would speak to us, and we know we don't like it, even.

also, a question.
why is it harder to understand what makes a good father than what makes a good mother?

panic attacks suck. i had one in class yesterday. which made it slightly easier for me because of caring people nearby and a teacher with medical background. she checked all my vitals just in case. my chest hurt so much though, it was crazy. before i knew it, i was crying and freaking a little because it hurt so much.
usually when i've had panic attacks i've been alone, quite helpless, confused, trouble calming myself.

my father argues that nobody can truly change their sex because they can't change their DNA. while he has a point, i think of sex/gender being more of a perspective thing. really. it is more to me a question of who you feel like you are, regardless of what anyone else dictates.

being around for the sake of others shouldn't be enough to stay alive, should it?
it seems like it would make more sense to live for oneself. maybe. but then, i don't know if i'd still be here if i really felt that way.

i'm tearing away.

there is someone i know whose words, though often, perhaps, meant to be helpful, suggestive even, always sting. those words always sting me. stab into me.
it hurts. makes me want to run away from this person. keeps me from really speaking to them. makes life awkward when i'm around them. makes me feel more like i can't be me. like life is hard and cold and nobody really cares.

grow up. don't ever complain. suck it up. deal. because it makes sense. it isn't that difficult if you try. etc etc.

even scares me sometimes. so when i want to listen, i can't. not really. i'm scared i'm in trouble. scared of being punished because of what i went through in the past with this person and punishments.

on an entirely different note, different person than one mentioned above, i'm afraid one of these days my father might hit me.

he never has.
i know he has been violent in the past to others.
even if i did not know that, i can tell from that edge in his voice when he's angry. how he gets angry about stupid little things.
the people who get violent, you can hear that something in their voice when they are angry. it's hard to describe, but having been around various angry-violent people in the past, i know what it sounds like.

however, i already have a plan and everything if it ever happens. so no worries. i just get really scared when he's angry because he sounds that way, like he might hit me, or worse my puppy baby. many times i have locked myself in my room or ran off somewhere to keep from getting hurt. a method i learned in the past to stay safe.

get far away so they can't catch you.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

give me a chance

When I was 16, I decided to tell one of my friend's that I'm bisexual. Not only did she have nothing to say and turned and walked away, she never spoke to me again and avoided me at school.

My wish for the future is that more of the people I love will be more accepting about that part of me. It's who I am.

Some people claim that we choose to be homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual.
If only they knew the countless times I wished it were that simple. But it's not. It's like I've said before, that we can't exactly pick and choose who we fall in love with, which is why we often fall for people who aren't any good for us.

I happen to be attracted to women and men, emotionally and sexually. Both on pretty much an equal level. Anyone that knows enough can point out that I've only dated guys...officially anyway. That happens to be more because it was a lot easier to find guys to be with than girls because it's hard to know which girls are even interested to begin with, at least for me it has been that way. Although the fact is that I've been interested throughout my life in more girls than guys. I've had more crushes on girls.
It's something I never talked about much. I still don't talk about it much.
Partly because it seems like the only people really comfortable hearing about it and discussing it are others of the LGBT community.

But this is real. I don't tend to show it because of all the people that don't accept it. People look at it as some kind of disease, some kind of problem, something to be fixed. And it scares me into hiding it. It scares me from having the guts to ask girls out. From being more open about it.

I also tend to go back and forth between which sex/gender catches my attention more. I currently find myself more attracted to women. I have been fortunate to make a friend at school(even though he's a guy) who is homosexual and understands a lot of what I'm going through. I really miss a lot of my bi female friends from high school though, who really helped me get by when others weren't so nice to me about it.

Like anyone else, I just want to be accepted for who I am. I on;t want to have to hide who I am in fear of being judged in a negative way.
We just want acceptance. It's not like we expect people to be like us.
i just don't want people to hate me because of who I love.

To me, love has no gender. No race. Female, male, hermaphrodite, transgender/transexual, etc. Black, white, hispanic, asian, etc. It DOES NOT matter to me. Because that isn;t what is important.

I somehow, from the beginning, saw people's personalities more than I sw what they looked like. It is life and other people that taught me to be judge, to be prejudiced, to dislike others for who they are.

But to me, I just want nice people. Kind, good-willed, respectful, trustworthy people. Those are the kind of people I want as friends. That is what is important.

I do not care who someone else loves, as long as they are happy. As long as who they love is not hurting them.

I wish more people felt the same.

All my love,

Monday, October 18, 2010

memories that stand out-part 1

i'd like to go in chronological order with these, but i don't think i can.
but i wanted to start a collection of the memories that stick to me.
most of them will probably be unhappy.
that's just how it is.


we were living in the apartment then.

it was late at night and my mother was gone. my siblings and i were in the living room. my brother was playing Animal Crossing. i was lying on the couch, watching the game and trying not to fall asleep.

i dozed off for a moment. maybe longer. enough time for things to go wrong.

i woke up, startled. my siblings had decided it would be funny to put shaving cream on me when i was asleep. in my confusion, it got in my eyes, and burned, and burned.

i was crying, and they were all around me, and laughing, laughing, laughing at me. at my pain. confusion.

i was so upset and just wanted to get away. stop hearing that wretched laughter. broken record playing in my head. i ran outside, tears in my eyes, wishing the burning would stop, wanting quiet.

after about five minutes, i tried to go back inside. but the door was locked. they locked me out. it was early in the morning, dark outside. i was confused, scared, distressed. i sat outside the door and waited.

and waited.

the sun was starting to rise. i could see the sky growing lighter. i heard someone unlock the door.

i went inside. straight to bed. exhausted.


this is one of only two incidents i remember clearly enough where my siblings all ganged up on me, though i know there were many other times that it happened. it always made me really sad that they would be like that. i loved them so much. it confused me. then again, children can be incredibly cruel and often lacking the understanding of how hurtful things can be.

Sunday, October 17, 2010


i'm starting to believe that love isn't real.

i'm starting to believe that love is only chemical.

we are chemical machines.

that's me in the corner.

that's me in the spotlight.

losing my religion. literally.

somewhere festering in my heart is the stubborn desire that there certainly must be more to life than human being. but i have that nagging suggestion that none of it is real. not one bit.

we are chemical machines.

as the years go on, we slowly, so slowly, run dry.

when we are empty, we die.

love is a chemical reaction. a chain of impulses running along our nerves.






a study was done where people were randomly paired up and asked to complete two steps, spanning about 34 minutes:

1. Spend half an hour revealing intimate details about eachother's loves

2. Spend four minutes staring into each others eyes without talking.

The results:

the majority of the subjects in the study felt deeply attracted to each other afterwards. two of them even got married.

we are chemical machines.

i believe in science.

where there is actual proof.

we do not yet fully understand how the brain works.

i grew up thinking fairytales were possible.

i grew up believing in true love.

i wanted to think that there was someone out there for me.

we do not fully understand how the brain works.

not entirely.

i am under the suspicion that we are chemical machines.

every thing is a chain reaction.

we think we are in control of what we say and do.

sometimes i think that isn't the case.

why do most people fall in love with someone that is really horrible for them.

to them.

if we could choose who we fell in love with.

if we could choose who we love.

we would choose better people.

if they existed.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

to live in hearts we leave behind

it's like living day to day in remembered nightmares.

so much has happened to me in my mere 21 years that i can hradly fathom how i survived it all. i feel like i'm going to spend most of the rest of my life hurting from everything built up from the past.

there are people that tell me i need to "just get over it already" but if they even knew the half of it they wouldn't be saying that. it's so complicated. these kinds of things stick to you as though they have been sewn right into your skin. in that same way, i also feel somehow that everyone that ever sees me can tell that i've got all this hanging on me. that's how i feel the way people look at me sometimes.

i feel like i could be gushing torment from every meatus in my body, the way i feel sometimes.

these things just don't go away. and i'm stuck living with them. and that's part of what makes it so hard for me to be alone.
because then i sit there with it all hanging over me, picking at me, threatening my sanity.

somwhere in the back of my mind, almost always there, is the desire to go curl up and hide myself away in some distant corner where nothing can reach me.

nobody except me knows all of what has taken place. there are many thing i haven't told to even one person. people may know bits and pieces, here and there, but i find it incredibly difficult to reveal much about anything for two reasons:
1. i think that nobody wants to hear it...not all of it or even most of it (and it would take a really lon time to tell it all anyway)
2. i have this fear that it will be used against me

i'm looking at having to be in therapy the rest of my life just to get through a portion of what has occurred, and that's assuming that nothing further happens after today. because if it did, i think i'd only fall further behind and dealing with it. as each thing happens, it sits for a while, gets pushed away, buried, until i find time for it, which is basically never because i'm either busy keeping my life together or fixated on things that in the past have only made the situation worse, but for some time always seem to make it better, monumentously so, to the point in which i gain a false sense that it all does not trouble me quite as much as i know it does.

kind of on the side, but another thought i had today was also
that anyone who ever thought losing their virginity would make things easier, simpler, etc must have been terribly and sadly mistaken
as i learned quickly enough at the time that it only makes things so much more complicated and confusing.

anyway, no, i don't have any idea what i'm going to do about my problems.
i just often find it helpful to record my thoughts somewhere outside of myself where i can much more easily access them later.

in other words, it was just really bothering me not to say anything about it to someone else.
and somehow i find that if i make things visible to others, then those things seem more like reality and not just some horrible dream and that maybe i can find some way to fix some of the issue. now or later.

i learned long ago that i have acknowledge that these things have actually happened, for my own sake, that i don't think i can just make them disappear, and so i know my pain is real, what i'm feeling is real, so know one can push me into thinking i'm just crazy.

i have a feeling that writing a book could be incredibly therapeutic in itself if i could only find the time and words and way to fit all together.
i'll have to think on that idea further though. let it develop. and see if i can make any use of it.

in the meantime, what worries me more is my trouble trusting people. this causes a variety of issues. i either can't trust people, or i tend to trust them way too much, and kick myself later for falling into that kind of thing, yet again, after i've been hurt all over again for it. i've also been rejected my a large amount of people, either friends or lovers, as soon as they figured out i have a hard time trusting people, often due to impatience on their part, and a general lack of information given. they get frustrated because i wont really tell them anything, or they back off if i tell them what the problem is.

hence, i get the idea that people simply would prefer that i refrain from divulging anything connected to the issue.

and it seems that we just don't have the time. work, school, take care of other people (thier physical needs), and take care of ourselves (physical needs) and then it's usually time to try and get some sleep, something that continues to occur much less often than it should. that' the probably not helping at all with all this.

i am incredibly appreciative to everyone and anyone who has stuck by me, even if it is just because they feel obligated to do so. they are still making a choice.

all my love,

Friday, October 8, 2010

the results are in

I found out all of my grades today. I am ending this term with a freaking 4.0. my lowest grade in a class was 100%. seriously. i feel pretty cool. plus i had perfect attendance and i'll be getting hella awards come time for the awards ceremony that will be ltaer this month or in November.

i am hella proud of myself. after all the trouble and stress and disappointment of my first year at another college, i am so relieved to know that i could do better.

things changed. a lot of problems resolved themselves pretty much after i stopped taking a certain medication. i am so glad i was able to pull this off.

initially, my goal was to get on the honors list by having at least a 3.5 gpa. as time went on, and i kept doing really well, i pushed myself further and firther to keep getting 100% on everything and i actually accomplished it!

it feels pretty freaking amazing. i am so happy about this. i feel like i've proven finally that i can do something with myself.


all my love,

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

demons in the dark

i had a rather frightening experience this weekend.

i woke up early Saturday morning to a room that to me appeared to be pitch black. i remember looking at my clock and upon seeing that it was still incredibly early, somewhere around 3am, i decided i'd try to just go back to sleep.

suddenly, i felt this enormous pressure against my entire body, and i couldn't speak, felt almost like i was suffocating as i tried to force words out of my mouth. it freaked me out.

then, i heard someone or something outside my bedroom. i became only more frightened, though i tried to convince myself that it either was all in my head or a noise outside that somehow sounded like it was outside my door.
but i kept hearing whatever it was, outside my door, slightly moving, shifting around. i was beginning to panic.

and then the door opened, yet at first i saw nothing there that could have opened it. and then suddenly, it was there, standing there. i could barely see what it was, but i could tell that it was short, possibly a child, though i had this horrible feeling that its face was not at all like a child's.

it spoke. i do not remember what it said. i was so scared and confused that i couldn't be sure what it was saying anyway. i just remember that it had a child-like voice, but there was this tone of malice to it, and it had a sort of creepiness to it as well.

in desperation and terror, i mustered what strength i could to slowly move my hand up to turn on the lamp next to my bed. i got closer and closer to the switch to turn it on.

i was close to turning the light on, but before i could lift myself up a bit more to reach it, everything changed. there i was sitting in my bed with my arm outstrectched towards the lamp. the room wasn't as dark. i didn't feel that horrible pressure anymore. and there was nothing there, as far as i could tell.

i lifted myself up the little last bit to be able to turn on the light. upon turning the light on, i confirmed that there was, indeed, nothing in my room. and the door wasn't even open. unfortunately, when i lifted myself up to reach the light, my back spasmed and i wasn't able to get up out of bed for a while because of it, even though i was freaked out by what had occurred and knew i couldn't sleep anymore.

ever since then, i've been really scared it will happen again. it's making me afraid to sleep, and i have this eery feeling that i'm being watched.

plenty of people might try to say that this was just a dream, all in my head, something of that nature, but i assure you that to the best of my knowledge and based on the particular circumstances, i have no doubt that it was more than just a dream.

prior to this, i had been asleep and was dreaming. and when everything suddenly transitioned and nothing was there anymore, i didn't even blink. my eyes were open, i was in the exact same position, etc etc. even so, i know people would have their theories.

i have had plenty of encounters with ghosts, spirits, etc in the past. when i was younger, i used to be scared of them because i didn't understand anything about them, but in general there was nothing incredibly frightening or disturbing about them.

the only other occurrence i can recall that had me scared like i am now was one during my stay in a mental hospital. in that case, it was dark haired teenage girl who had a huge creepy smile and kept cutting herself with a butcher knife and was laughing about it. she stared at me as she did it.
someone told me later that while it had been happening that at first i appeared to be acting strange because i was sitting against the wall with a blank face and wasn't responding, but as soon as someone touched me i started screaming and crying and pleading that they "make her leave me alone."
this girl continued to haunt me, my mind, whatever for the next several days. i was scared for my life, despite being safe within a hospital in which someone kept an eye on me the majority of the time.

despite all this, i managed to get some rest last night without having to rely on medication. the first two nights after it happened though, i took my medication to help me sleep because i knew i couldn't get myself to sleep otherwise.
it has me a little nervous, and i still have the creepy feeling of being watched, tageted, etc, but i think i'm doing okay otherwise. it just has me spooked a bit.

and i thought it to be worth mentioning here.

on a side note: i am thinking of maybe being something creepy for halloween, possibly the grim reaper or sadako(the girl from The Ring). suggestions of other creepy things to be for halloween would be appreciated though. i thought it would be fun to be something creepy since i get to dress up for school (theyre actually letting us wear our costumes to school on the friday before. theyre even holding a contest!)

all my love,

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

can't make myself believe

so i wrote a letter to my pastor. explaining pretty much everything. my beliefs, my attempts to change them, the reason i went to church anyway, etc. i felt like it would work better and i could get out everything i felt like i need to say without him interrupting me, since every time i tried to explain something when we talked face to face he just started talking about something and made me feel like i couldn't really say anything.

it has been troubling a times, the fact that i am not, never was, and probably never will be Christian. there were several times where it seemed like it would be so much easier to be one. maybe i'd fit in a little more, be accepted, make certain people happier that exxpected me to be one, etc.
it's like even though people say that they accept me for my own beliefs, there is an automatic distance formed as soon as someone learns i'm not Christian.
we tell ourselves that we aren't prejudiced, but we can't completely hide it if we are. i get that a lot from Christians, for some reason. it never seems to be from Jewish people or Wiccans or Buddhists or anything. it's always Christians.

i'm incredibly curious as to why it tends to be that way.

i don't want to say that there is anything wrong with being Christian because i honestly don't believe that or i wouldn't have tried to be one myself. it just seems that there is so much corruption in it, and there's so much pressure coming from so many of these people that it really bothers me sometimes.

i think it's really great that someone people can be so incredibly full of faith and full of love for their god. what i don't like is when i'm expected to follow along. especially when they want you to believe every single thing that they do.

i don't know, really. but i'm starting to see that it seems to be acceptable to mention "God" or "Jesus" in public, but mention anything else and people decide they don't like you, or they give you some odd look.
does it really have to be wrong for me to openly express beliefs even though people thinks it's perfectly acceptable for Christians to express theirs?

food for though, perhaps. i'd love to hear some other opinions here.

Monday, September 27, 2010

before i fall apart

sometimes i could swear my heart feels like it might explode...or something. in this case, i'm actually referring to the organ itself. i got really scared about 15 minutes ago because i started getting really shaky and my heart was racing and i couldn't breathe right. freaking annoying. i don't know why.

i was so focused on reorganizing and setting up stuff in my room (i just got a bunch of new furniture for it) and it happened. i was chilling and moving stuff and listening to music and wham. so i'm not really sure what that was.
i happened to be at a good stopping point anyway so i decided i should try to relax and let my body calm down. good thing it worked. i'm okay now, except that my chest feel kinda compressed in such a way that i'm having breathing trouble, but at least i seem to be breathing more normally.

i finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows last night. i'm majorly excited about the movie, even more so because i saw the most recent trailer for it. it showed the seven potters and the Dumbledore ghost/dust thing and stuff.

*spoiler alert*

i totally forgot that Lupin and Tonks died. I have no idea why. And then I thought about the fact that Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs all died. Dang. Plus, well, Lily and Snape. Which makes us think back to the whole scene with that group of people...but anyway...


Well, I didn't cry this time.

I can't believe I forgot so much about the book though. Like how the doe patronus actually belongs to Snape. i kept trying to remember who the heck that belonged to, and i couldn't think of it. it made me think of Lily, which is somewhat on the mark because her patronus was also a doe.

I felt like I was able to process a lot more of the content this time and understand more of the symbolism, possibly because I already knew the basic plot or because I spent more time reading it.

But enough of that.

I watched movies this weekend.
I was all excited because I finally got Cirque du Freak to watch, but it was mjorly disappointing.

I found another movie I do like though.
Sense and Sensibility. Who knew?
I was looking for stuff that had Hugh Laurie in it (if you don't know who that is...go look him up), and I came across that movie. And it had all these other people in it that I like, too, so that made me happy. It's weird though because I've tried to read some Jane Austen books before and didn't particularly enjoy them, but I like the movies based off of them.

Oh, I also watched an episode of this comedy show "A Bit of Fry and Laurie" and it was kinda funny. I guess British humor is just so much different than American, so I didn't think it was super funny, but some of it made me laugh. I don't know.

I messed around with Cleverbot yesterday as well. I got kind of freaked out when it told me to eat a glazed donut filled with blood, but otherwise it was just amusing.
Supposedly it learns things from every conversation it has, so yeah. I liked how I said "THE GAME" and it replied "awww i just lost the game." some of you might not get that, but whatever.

i also read a really interesting horror story about a possessed video game (Majora's Mask) and it was pretty cool. Props to the writer for making it almost believable. he wrote it initially like it was something that was actually happening, and he had videos along with it that added to the creepiness of the whole thing. i loved it.

i have two more weeks of this term left at school. i'm super excited. i'm doing really well, so i'll probably get lots of awards and stuff at the next awards thing. I know i'll get some perfect attendance stuff and something for having a 4.0 and i also get my HIPAA certification. also, if i get 100% in pharmacology and pharmacy procedures i get this thing called a "genius" award. and i only have a couple tests left in each class.

so exciting. it's all going so well. that makes me feel pretty good.

if only i could stop dreaming about a certain person. it would be so much easier if i didn't dream about him because that just confuses me and i end up thinking more about him because of it and i'd much rather just let it go.
but all these's almost like my heart or mind or whatever is trying to tell me something. maybe. i try to listen but all i get is that strange silence where you're hearing people talking but not really.

i usually don't actually hear any sound in my dreams, but people say stuff in them all the time and there is noise of wind and cars and things somehow. it's there, but it's not. i'm not sure how else to describe it.

all my love,

and one last thing:
i supposedly wrote another blog entry that i don't remember writing. i don't know how i keep doing that. it's weird. the one i posted before this, though, i went back and read it and i could swear that i didn't type any of that, and the way it is worded is different from how i usually say things. hm. it's odd. because i know i must have written it. and yet, i don't remember writing it.

Friday, September 24, 2010

If I could love you for your lies, if only

those moments when i find myself staring out the window.
the sky is grey and i hate the way he left without a trace. without a face.
i've been dreaming about children with empty-minds who flood the halls and won't leave when i tell them. how they sit and talk but there are not really words at all. and there is no sound, but i hear them.

i'm traveling over rocks, jagged rocks, with my bare feet and a child in my arms. i'm searching, on a mission, and i can't remember the details, but my feet carry me in the right direction.

i'm taking my chances when i whisper his name. thinking he will appear, as if i have the power to summon demons, as if i have the power to make them real.
wishing that faith could change a heart on its own, that love could heal wounds over time, that silence will make the hate pass me by.

i'm forced to hide when he breaks free, smahing the air until i can't breathe. crashing through walls and breaking my bones, and really, why did i come in the first place is what i begin to wonder. because somehow i forget my reasoning.
i grasp for that place where are hearts touched, where we held hands and flew through pain.

i would try to escape to that plane of existence again, but it seems i've fogotten how to get there.
secrets always hide and play us for fools and know we can't catch them unless they let us. and i hate them for it.
still i keep my secrets safe inside and know i can't ever let them go. still i keep him secret in my heart, so sometimes i don't know that he's still there. beating.

i think i'm waiting, patiently, for some kind of truth to fall from the sky. life forms a melody that keeps us asleep. i keep trying to wake up. why can't i wake up?
it's just no use. impossible to understand the mysteries of the past, the inevitabilities of the future, the pain i feel right now.

i can see sunlight on the tree outside, but the sun itself has been lost. the peculiarity of it all. strange how the chemicals in my eyes can burn holes through my brain and keep me sane at the same time. strange how my heart is beating if it's not really there.

i am wondering how i will ever find someone again. i am wondering what i will do with my life. ideas are ideas. they lose practicality so fast, i never get the chance to blink. i think maybe reality isn't reality at all. instead, it lies the figment of trees and oceans of deities that are bored and lonely. like they somehow can't find each other. how sad.

somebody told me we are all alone in the end anyway, so it doesn't matter that we're alone now. we're just getting a head start.

i don't believe that though. i have more faith in where we go. even if i don't really know.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

digging holes

it's like he left a hole in my heart. i keep wishing there was something to fill it.
it's weird when someone disappears. i feel like something has been lost. something has gone missing. something doesn't make sense.
and this longing to find it again, to fix it, whatever it may be has me in a saddened state at times.

today i kept spacing out in class. i tried and tried to pay attention, to stay focused, but my mind kept going into that blank space. It wasn't even other thoughts. It was that total blank place where I somehow don't think of anything at all. I was able to focus when I had to take my test in Pharmacology though. Thankfully.

anyway, so. I am reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows again. Four chapters in and two deaths already. i totally forgot how depressing this book can be. But i love it. My favorite thing about these books is how they are written. Rowling really gets you into Harry's head to the point where it sometimes feels like you are going through every twist turn and trial with him. i love all the symbolism with certain key characters and objects and parts of the magical world. I love some of the more classical elements in her symbols. Though they made parts of the storyline quite predictable for me, I really enjoyed them anyway. It gave me something I already felt familiar with, something to instantly connect myself to.

I grew up with these books. I started reading them in middle school. it's actually kinda funny because i initially refused to read them mainly because they were such a fad and i generally distance myself from things that get super popular like that (although i've also read the Twilight saga) but once i started reading i realized i was going to get hooked on the series.

I'm reading the 7th book again in light of the fact that the movie comes out in November. I am super excited about it. I always like to review on the book before seeing the movie. i like doing comparisons for some reason. i take interest in how they change things, in what they add, and in what they leave out. i have certain expectations about this movie since they're doing the last book in two movies. so i figure, hopefully, they got a lot of the content in.

how could I not love this series?
I've always really been into magic and fantasy books and i love Rowling's rendition of it all.

by the way, for those of you who don't know, Snape is, always has been, and always will be my favorite character. i really wish Rowling had written more about his life. or that she would eventually write something more about him.
i've always liked the characters in stories that seem bad but are truly good. i like the dark, tormented past and the conflict and everything. he is just so interesting to me.

of course, Dumbledore is my second favorite.

I also really like Luna and well, Harry himself.

but you're probably tired of reading about this, so i'll stop here.

as for other stuff, well, i have 3 more weeks of classes. i got my schedule for next term and i'm pretty happy with it. i don't know who all of my teachers are yet, but some i do because they are the same as this term. i have class at 8am next term but i have a really good teacher who makes class exciting so it will be a good class to have that early in the day. i am so excited that i will be finished in february and then i can get certified assuming i pass the test. i'm confident that with the teaching i'm currently receiving that it will surely happen for me.

i feel kinda cool. and i'm looking forward to awards next term because i know i'll be getting several, plus my HIPAA certification. i took the test for that this term and got 100% so i get my certificate for that. yay.

yay. yay.

all my love,