Tuesday, May 17, 2011

a fragile shadow in a dark, dark world

flood my ears with song, let me escape the moronic devil, he who rules over my pathetic prison cell. my flowers fail to bloom, buds turning black in the face of uncertain doom, and the window leaves little in the way of dreaming.

home is a nightmare, a hole where i am sinking fast into the earth without a hand to pull me out again. the ghosts are seeping into my veins and i feel them feeding like parasites at the base of my skull.

my shining star, my guardian angel, too far to reach me, sends love for all these tears. but these words i barely feel as my own voice slowly fades away. i try to speak again, but my thoughts are drowned by the beast itself.

there was never any hope to begin with. i was always too naive.

Monday, May 16, 2011

drown in your love.

in case anyone missed it, my last blog was me being positive.

today i got to participate in a thing with MHA and do a painting with the theme of wellness. i have to put another hour or so into my painting before it's finished. I got really into it. i love being very symbolic in my art. i like little details that have meaning. every part of this painting has some sort of meaning to me.

i did a painting about self-love. loving yourself even though you've been broken down. even if you feel ugly. even if life seems pointless. self-love.


it has been the most difficult challenge in my life. learning to love myself.

some people in my life told me that i could never truly love someone else without truly loving myself first. initially, i thought maybe they were right. but then i found out they were wrong. at least, in my case. because i realize that i have really loved others, with every part of me, every bit of my heart, even in the times where i didn't like myself much at all. where i didn't really love myself i learned to love others, and in turn, eventually learned through these other people to love myself.

sometimes i still don't really love myself though. and i realize that is mostly my brain being strange. or the others inside of me. and that's okay.

it's kinda disappointing when people disregard my positivity and snap up whatever i say when i'm feeling bad. this isn't directed at anyone in particular. it happens a lot with people. plenty of people focus too much on the negative and not enough on the positive. i used to be one of those people. now i'm not, and i'm helping pull out someone else who still is. :)

it's a happy feeling.

all my love,

Thursday, May 12, 2011

it's the way i am, it's in the way you tore my heart

and where there is hurt.

and where there is anger.

and where the sadness stills my heart.

and where the loneliness kills me.

two people are only one person and we are together always and i love.

i dream. i hope.

i believe.

i am compassionate. forgiving. caring. loving.
i may tell you that i do not like one person or another, but i will always help anyone in their time of need.
why? because i love.

do not mistake what i say. i try to point out that i know that i am loved and cared for and somehow it gets missed.

biodad badly sprained his foot and can't walk. so.
i made breakfast and took it up to him. poured him a glass of orange juice. put ice pack in freezer and took it back to him once it was cold enough. keep asking if he needs anything.

this is me.
i love my friends and family. but i also love my enemies. there is not enough love going around in the world to spend any time intent on hating others and making them miserable.

i have feeling enough to recognize that i feel bitter, even angry, when people hurt me or mistreat me, or disrespect me, or betray my trust.
but i have heart enough to know i can't intentionally hurt anyone, even my enemies.

once somebody is my friend, they are my friend for life.

life-time benefits package for friends of me, i sometimes think of it.

even the person who i might say hurt me more than anyone else-if he called me (and he only would if he really needed to) i would answer and do what i could for him.

hate, loathing, grudges....these are a waste of my time.

love, compassion, forgiveness...these are part of my heart. my soul. my being.

i'm depressed, but i see through it. maybe that wasn't clear.
i use this as an outlet. as a way to get my feelings out there. as a record of how i speak in every type of feeling. it helps me learn and grow and get through my feelings.

but i'm educated enough, experienced enough at this time to know better.to see what it is for what it is and do the best i can. which i think these days is much better than what i could do before.

i don't know what changed in the past year that people stopped really talking to me.
sitting there watching a relative of mine cry because someone else in our family who she loves and cares about deeply won't talk to her...it got me thinking. i have, for years and years, held family as one of the most important things in life. it's the main reason why, though i knew others would not like it, that i made the effort to keep in touch with my biodad over the years. it's the reason as a child that i often pushed my own hurts and haunts aside to do what i thought was best for the family, to keep us together, to avoid more turmoil. that's why i never spoke up about what was really going on, how much i was being hurt. sure, part of it was fear because i was too young to understand that i wouldn't be punished further for telling someone, but more so it was my desire to keep our family together.

it's part of why i keep blogging, even. when i realized that this blog could be a way for me to speak up and be heard by my family, it got even better. i may not always like what people comment on my blogs, or when they miss something in a blog i thought was vital to see, but i am happy to have a voice, when before i felt like a mute.

there is love. and where there is love, there is me. my heart.

all my love,

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

home is where the heart is.

the white face that chased away your dreams has found it's home on the blank canvas. the silent silhouette of your childhood lingers on the south end of the last street you remembered. a rain drop and a tear drop are the same.

bleeding fingers and bruised bones; these things i'm never lacking, dear. i'm picking scabs, tracing scars, and breaking my soul apart again. i'm dancing away off the cliff and finding belonging in the emptiness, the melancholy of an endless blue sky.

those you once knew. the woman with the fair hair and bright eyes. the child always screaming in the afternoon. the girl who seemed to know her place was nowhere. the boy who ran too far and fell into darkness.

a heart on my sleeve is what i offer up now, in these days i keep counting down. it has been beaten and broken and lost and forsaken, but it is yours for the taking. i'm am a ghost, your ghost, the ghost of a distant past.

home never stayed in one place. and never stayed long enough for you to recognize. you saw it once, you thought, but you could never really be sure. you never really felt it.

i am here. heart and soul and mind and body. love and hate and kindness and fear. here i am, to hold your hand. i am where you belong. you are where i rest in peace.

lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me

i've been stuck in a depression for quite some time now. normally it would do much worse, but i have such a shining light in my life right now that it's not as daunting as it has been in the past.

still, i am feeling it. i keep crying a lot. i feel distant and lonely and misplaced and lost and confused and constantly questioning myself.

this has become the life and times of a girl dealing with DID and i am getting sick of it at times because time seems all mixed up and i'm afraid to make new friends because people won't understand or know how to deal with it.

there's nothing i can do.

i'm fighting to keep my head above the surface of this sea. hoping i can make it through the day. each day, i tell myself i just have to get through the day. it starts over with each tomorrow.

and i'm unmotivated. and anxious. and muddled. blah.

i know it sucks to hear this. i keep wondering what has happened.

i've been putting on a brave face for everyone. because i know this is just my head, that nothing is truly wrong but my insides, and they are sucking me in with them, and it's hard to fight them.

but i refuse to give in. i feel like cutting. or smoking. or some stupid shit to just de-stress and feel horribly guilty about later. ugh.

someone pointed something out to me, made me see, that maybe i don't want to be apart of my family. maybe i feel like they won't accept me for me and it's better to just move on and a find a new group of people to call family and forget where i came from.

suggesting that family is the people you keep the closest or the people you pick to be around you....that home is where your heart is, so pack your bags because it never stays in one place for too long.

and i want to fly away. but one wing is not enough. and the other will never grow back.

but i think.
i think we are dreamers, lovers, we will fight for this, and we will fall, but we will be together.
i believe.

with all my heart,

i'm becoming another ghost.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


i was meaning to write a blog directed specifically at mother's day, but something else found its way in.

had some talks with various people regarding connections to family and such.
this may upset some people, but i feel like speaking up and sharing how i feel because that's exactly what this blog is about. giving me a voice where i feel i didn't have one before.

i have often felt like the odd one out in my family. in a family, especially my immediate family, that does not conform to the typical standards societies has for families/people, i feel like i don't belong. not quite. i grew up with people who all stand out on their own for various reasons. generally speaking, we are all intelligent, capable, loving, fun, hilarious, good people.

but even against the rest of my family, i feel like i stand out. throughout my life i've hit a lot of different phases, different extremes, etc. and i'm the one with all the issues health-wise, both physically and mentally. i'm the crazy, sickly, outlandish one. whatever.

i don't see it to that extreme necessarily, but i feel oddly different and disconnected from the rest of my family. and though lately i've gotten closer to what might be considered "normal" i actually feel more distant from them than ever before. this is actually due to a lack of interaction with them recently. i honestly don't remember the last time i had a conversation with anyone except the oldest of my two sisters, who i converse with on a fairly regular basis despite her being super busy finishing up her freshman year in college. besides getting answers to general questions, i never hear from my mother anymore. i think this hurt me more because i understand why i don't hear much from my dad or other sister or even my brother. there are various things at play with them that keep them from talking to me more often, although i was much happier when i heard from my brother much more often.

i always felt very close to my sibling growing up. despite being outed, despite getting stuck doing a lot of work on their behalf, i was always very fond of them. there were plenty of good times. we always had four people to play videogames. we did lots of fun things together. we stuck together. made sure nobody fell behind too much. stuff like that.

we were all cool kids. and smart. and unique.

i felt a lot for my siblings. some of my feelings were misplaced, unhealthy, but it was all i knew. when you're young, you don't understand that more should be said/done about things. you don't understand proper relationships(most people as adults don't either though, but as children it's worse). you don't understand what you should or shouldn't do.

but as a child, with a single mother busy with her job to support her children, i fell into place watching over/taking care of my younger sisters. my brother, as the years went on, became more and more absent, though i viewed this as a good thing as he was hitting his early emotionally-chaotic teenage years. i was always checking to make sure my sisters got enough to eat, got homework done, were helped when they needed it, got done what they needed to, etc.

i learned to cook at an early age.

i also did a lot of the cleaning around the house.

this is all mainly when we lived in MD.

i am not bitter or angry that it was this way for me. that i held so much responsibility. sometimes i feel sad when i think how i spent more time with such responsibilities than actually enjoying my childhood and making friends. but at school i got picked on/bullied a lot and felt like an outcast anyway. so i wasn't exactly upset i wasn't getting more chances to spend time with those people.

i was a really lonely child. but i didn't feel like it. i felt more like a concerned sister. i felt even more like a desperate mother trying to do her best for her loved ones.

YES. that is how i felt. i have talked to some people about this, how i felt somewhat like a mother to my sisters. i was afraid before to ever mention this. i have felt really hurt in having to be so far away and missing out on a lot of things with my sisters ever since i went away for college and eventually left my home in CA for good.

i never wanted to steal any spotlight away from our own mother, though, by bringing up these things. and i never wanted to weird out my sisters by telling them. but i feel the need to get these feelings out. i'm tired of holding onto them. i wanted to set them free.

because you see, i'm no longer afraid of my family thinks of me. because i feel like it couldn't really get much worse. right now, i am mourning over this realization: that i am not really apart of my family now. it keeps making me cry ever since i started working through it in thoughts saturday night.

i miss my family terribly. i keep wishing i would somehow have the chance to see them this summer. but i know it won't happen. and even if i did, i feel like the distance is a permanent thing. this feeling may never be changed.

i love my family dearly. there is nobody i love more than possibly my significant other, but that's a different kind of love, in a sense. nothing is quite like the love for my family.

i just feel estranged now. estranger. estrangier. extraneare. extraneus.

with all my heart,

i know there are those of you, dearest family, who read this. to you, i say: I love you and I mean no harm by what I'm saying here. You all know me well enough to know that, I think. And I know you all care. And I know you all love me. So don't take this the wrong way.

Monday, May 2, 2011

breathing in dreams

i am happy.

despite a whole freaking mess due to trusting one person i shouldn't have, i am happy.

because i still have what matters most, the most amazing other half i could ever dream of. because we are staying together. because everything always works out. ALWAYS.

seriously, so it has been almost six months. we hit a bit of a rough patch for a bit but realized we can't live without each other.

i seriously think i might be with the person i will be with for the rest of my life. just because everything always works. we raise voices and get pissed off at each other, you know? but like...not over anything really serious. and then when we do we always end up talking it out and feeling so much better afterward. it's important to get frustrations out and we never stay mad or hold grudges about shiz. and we always help each other out when we can, however we can. and we make each other better people.

i have found someone that, when i'm around him, i feel stable. like the chaos in my head all quiets down and i can just be myself and everything is fine. the mood swings are still there but nowhere near as severe. personality flops are minimal and more controlled.
i just feel so calm and level when i'm around him. i can think straight and stay focused. i don't even bite my nails much at all just because there is no anxiety or worry or anything. i am able to sit still and just be.

this is really significant for me. most of the time i feel like i must always keep my hands occupied, must always be doing something, gotta keep running. with my thoughts all over the place and i can't hardly sort them out.

and he motivates me to be a better person. not just because he pushes me to do so, but really because he makes me feel like i really can be a better person and the happiness i feel with him makes me want to be a better person.

he makes me feel beautiful just as i am. i am constantly changing the way i dress, my hair color, etc but he always embraces these things.

he never panics or walks away when i start to freak out or get really moody or feel really weak. he's always on top of it, doing everything he came to help me in those times. always. without hesitation. and he never complains about it, no matter how much i get that way. the way he is makes me feel like i'm really not a burden at all.

and there is positive change with him as well. just in the time i have known him, he has become more positive, confident, motivated, sensible, hardworking, etc. people around him, friends and family, have noticed this change. have noticed how happy he is. and like what they see.

i got to meet his family and friends during my trip to NC back in April. they were all very nice to me and seem like really good people. i felt completely at ease being down in NC for a whole week, despite having never been there before, and only really knowing a couple of people beforehand.

so yeah. i think i found me a keeper. we intend to make this last for a long, long time. not sure where we'll end up. i might move closer to him, or he might move closer to me. it mostly depends on how job stuff turns out. i am really looking forward to my life though, now that i've found what i looked for so many years.


on a side note, i dyed my hair blonde. and it looks pretty good. i want to lose about 15 pounds so i am thinking of going on a diet possibly. i also intend to start working out a little to gain some muscle tone because that's more of what i'm lacking.

i feel healthier lately. for whatever reason. i've been doing what i can to stay healthy. hypoglycemia was kicking my ass for a bit but that seems to be getting better since i started eating light snacks more often. i've also been taking vitamins and a chinese herb and i walk a lot more.
i'm excited because my stamina is returning. i walked at least 6 miles the other day and it didn't wear me down at all, when before i would walk two miles and feel tired.

normally, with recent events, i would be freaking out and feel awful and depressed and such, but i don't feel like that right now. i'm just so excited about the future. it's going to be totally awesome.

all my love,