Tuesday, November 30, 2010

let's throw these memories aside

i am stressed.
i had a bit of a psychotic episode yesterday. i don't know how to describe them. i just start hearing all these malicious voices muttering awful things to me and i feel like i'm crawling in my skin and i can't settle down. i thrash about and feel like screaming and everything just seems out of control. i don't know.

these demons within, they play on my biggest weakness: THE PAST

it's like i'm not allowed to be happy. so

remind me of all the failed relationships. remind me of the abuse; emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, etc. remind me of the hurts. reminds me of the regrets. and the mistakes. and the tricks and lies.
i have been repeatedly disrespected by men in my life and i am so sick of it that i just want to avoid it as much as i can. which means avoiding men.

but what can i do? what can i do when i'm falling for yet another guy who is super nice and amazing and awesome and does and says everything right and it all seems magical and my heart is pounding in my chest screaming at me for being so scared?

i would rive myself crazy trying to figure out what to do. so i'm putting my brain and heart together. i'm listening to both sides and taking the proper precautions and staying safe and everything.

i'm not ready to give my heart away again. but maybe, if everything goes well, i will get to that point again.

yet here i am, flustered and giddy at times, thinking life is awesome the way things happen sometimes. good things can come out of nowhere and you never see them coming until it's too late to refuse them.

i am just a little confused. i'm afraid. my trust has been broken down so many times that it is tough trying to let someone else have it.

but i know i can't allow myself to sit in fear and hide away for the rest of my life. it's time for healing. recovery.

it's that new heart again. new heart.
a tiny seed was planted and now a little bud has sprouted forth and makes me feel so warm inside.

love is love. confusing-awful-wonderful-terrifying-amazing-beautiful-crazy-perfect-imperfect-hurtful-awesome-magical-sweet-bitter-unpredictable

all of it mixed up. and that still doesn't accurately describe how i feel. it's like being hot and cold at the same time. or sick and well. or happy and sad.
in extremes.

my attempts to describe love are terrible i know, but i'm doing the best i can. there is no better word to describe love than love. it is what it is. just as the heart wants what the heart wants. i can't tell my heart, new heart, to shut up and leave it be and nononono i am not doing this again so just forget it.
i can't tell my heart not to fall again. i can't.


i will survive. and will try, oh so much, to make this work. for once. please. and pray that it does.

all my love,

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