Thursday, December 23, 2010

it's (not) just another manic monday

He tells me in his bedroom voice
C'mon honey, let's go make some noise
Time it goes so fast
When you're having fun

why yes, I do like listening to The Bangles :)

anyway, life.
got updated on grades today.
I have 5 A's and 1 A- at the moment. which i am freaking happy about. i feel good.

life is interesting.

i must disappoint some of you just the tiniest bit by admitting the fact that i did indeed smoke the first cigarette ever in my entire life yesterday.
basically, i was trapped at school because i had to stay for a test. was majorly majorly "OMFG WTF AM I GONNA DO" stressed because of an incident in one of my classes and basically the one thing i could think of i knew would surely spring me back into place so i could manage to take that test was to smoke a cig.
maybe that sounds stupid. and i guess it kinda does when i can't completely make people understand just how stressed out and upset i was. i was already feeling sick that day. i couldn't take it. it was too much and i couldn't walk away.

the good news is, LESSON FREAKING LEARNED.
smoking sucks. sure, i felt better afterwards, all calmed down, but later that night my throat was all scratchy and i had to perform a solo at church (i actually successfully pulled it off anyway, even with the high A-flat in the song)and my throat felt like crap.

and i must say, i have a better understanding now out there to anyone dealing with that addiction to smoking. i already understood it, but now i really REALLY get it, and i wish anyone out there who's trying to quit or has quit and is struggling with occasional or frequent cravings (including my boyfriend) the best of luck in that venture. i can see how it could be really tough.

and now, my curiosity about it is satisfied as well.

otherwise, total happiness. my lovely boy is coming to visit me on Monday, hence the title of the post. it's going to be a good day.
and being my dorky self, i'm going to the airport in my Team Rocket cosplay to make it super easy for him to spot me out. yep. I know some of you are laughing at me and shaking your head right now at this, but whatever. you know i'm weird like that.

i hope everyone has a happy holiday time/break/etc and gets to spend it with someone special to them, whether it be family, friends, or even pets. i have my child right here next to me, loving on me. he's adorable as ever.

i love you all. i'm spending christmas with a good friend of mine from school, spending the sunday after with my family here, and monday i go to the airport. total win.

all my love,

PS. i fail. i still don't have christmas cards finished for some people. i'm going to try getting them done tonight so i can send them out. by now, they'll be late, but oh well.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Interview with the Pharmacist


i am excited. the interview i had today went really well. it seemed like i have a really really good chance at getting this position, which would be so AMAZING.

i've learned to like Walgreens. i looked at all kinds of things on their web site earlier and found out that the company is all about equality for its LGBT employees. how cool is that? they have benefits for people in domestic partnerships and such.

not that i'm necessarily going to end up in one, but just in case. and i'm a big fan of people and companies that support that kind of thing.

christmas is in less than a week and i still havent sent out any cards, but i'm working on it starting now.
they may get there late.

i hope you all have happy holiday time with family and friends.
i'm spending christmas with a friend of mine, the day after with family, and the next day is the day my boyfriend comes to visit.

major excitement.

things are looking up. well, finally.

i love this.

life is getting better each day. even without meds, which makes me happy because i so much prefer not taking anything. i can handle it.
i have self-control. i do.

all my love,

PS. people should totally skype with me. seriously. i have my computer online a lot just in case anybody gets the chance. let me know though if you ever want to.

Ex #6

here is a beginning piece i wrote to a possible short story based on actual facts in my life at the time. I titled it- Don't Just Say Goodbye. Not going to say which person i was actually with at the time, but some of you can surely guess if feel like it.

“I just…I love you.”
That’s all I could say to him. I stood there with my head down, staring at the carpet, fighting back the tears, as always. He didn’t seem to get it. It apparently wasn’t getting through to him that I was being sincere.
“Heather, it just can’t work. You know that. You can’t just keep acting like this. You can’t keep acting like things will magically get better and everything will be fine. Look at yourself. Look at where you are in your life.” He sighed. “Why can’t you just accept this?” He shook is head.
“I understand where I’m at, and how it looks,” I said. “But I can’t just give up and lose faith that I can do this. I thought you’d understand. I figured you’d be able to support me on this. I thought you loved me. And well, honestly, I still think you do.”
I started crying anyway. Just a little. I was holding back, trying so hard to stay cool and continue talking. “I know you care. I know you love me. It hurts how much you push me away. I feel so alone and confused…and empty.” I put my hands over my face, keeping my mouth uncovered so the words will still be clear. “It’s so…frustrating…to see you acting like this. I was hoping at least our friendship could hold after all of this. Even though I want so much to be with you.” I sighed, and halted my words. I wasn’t sure where to go on. What to say. It was all seemingly pointless with him not really taking my words in all sincerity.
“Is that it?” he asked. Now he spoke with an obvious tone of frustration. “Why can’t you just face it? Settle down. It’s not that big of a deal. You know what you need to do. So why don’t you do it already?”
He was referring to me asking my father to buy a plane ticket so I could go live in PA with him, and getting my mother and stepfather to let me stay with them for the time until then.
I wanted to tell him it truly, even now, was because I couldn’t leave him. I couldn’t let him go like that. I was too stubborn to give up, even at this point.
“It’s…complicated. You still don’t get it. I can’t explain it to you apparently. It’s not that simple. Just…I know what I need to do. I know what’s up. I’ll watch out for myself. Stop stressing so much. I’m fully aware of the choices I’m making, of the impact they have. Why can’t you just support me?”
Again, he shook his head.
“You know me…I see things logically. I have to be rational. I can’t believe in something that’s obviously not going to happen. You know that. I do care and that’s why I’m trying to get you to do all this. It’s for your own good. You need to do it. Please do it. Please let me have peace of mind on this. I’m worried about where you end up. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”
I knew I couldn’t keep from crying any longer. “Okay.”
“See you later then…” I mumbled. I walked away with the tears already streaming down my face. Every time I talked to him it seemed like I wasn’t getting anywhere. Like I wasn’t getting any further in getting him to realize what was going on with me.
I know I’m always going to love him. I know he’s the one I want. But that’s my problem. My life right now prevents that from happening. And thus, I’m losing faith in everything I've had it in for so long. I’m becoming apathetic and empty and confused. And I loathe myself completely for it.

Friday, December 17, 2010

the future is now

so iam going to Walgreens on Sunday for an interview. this is cool. the guy who is interviewing me is the pharmacy manager, who also happen to be an instructor at my school. my chances of getting this job look pretty good. it would be cool if i could get it because i've been rather worried about finding a job after school.

it would be so amazing if this works out. i could finally get on with the next step to moving on with my life and really making it my own.

meanwhile, love is on the way. i get to see him on the 27th. it looks i won't be spending christmas alone either. a friend of mine offered to come get me since my father will be gone most of the day.

i am happy.

things are falling into place and working out and i'm not as stressed as before.

now all i need is less physical pain and new glasses. i'm not sure what i'll do about the glasses. i am thinking walmart maybe is my best bet. just have to figure out where i'll get the money from to pay for them. maybe if i get this job i can get them. who knows?

i hope everyone is having fun on their breaks. i'm kinda sad i can't somehow visit my california or oklahoma families. maybe some other time.

all my love,

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Finding a home

found a place inside your heart
where the sky is never dark
yet always filled with the stars
where i can dance my days away
and be filled with joy
as you sing to me
i'll be waiting there always

i am happy. i won't have to spend my break alone. joy is coming. or already here, actually.

and so i say to you that i wish you the best because such is life and we should try to be happy.

i am thinking that life is about to do another turn.

i sorta maybe kinda got saved just a little bit yesterday.
heard from someone who passed on that now is the time.
i'm ready.

i don't know where this road will lead me but i will keep the pace and try to have fun with it.

let's all have a good time.

all my love,

Friday, December 10, 2010

as the story goes

i don't want to be perfect.
i want to be me.
because that's who i should be.
and that's who i am when he loves me.
and i wouldn't have it any other way.

i am really, really happy. and i have a really, really good feeling this is going to last for quite a while.

i am finally breaking through the surface a little and breathing in a breath of fresh air and it's wonderful. i love it.

i am not so stressed. i am finding my own way of letting go and not being so obsessed with being perfect and organized 24/7 and etc etc.
i no longer freak out when i miss a few questions on a test. i no longer get overly anxious about finding out what i got on a test.

now if i could just find a way to relieve some of the physical pain i'd be good to go.

i am happy.
like super amazing awesome yes i know i'm cool yes.

i am dancing through the streets and singing at the top of my lungs and not caring if anyone heres and i smile at everyone i see and it feels so good.

i thought about it, and it was good.

i mean, what more could i ask for?
i have two more months left of school.
then i take my cert test and if i pass i'll be certified.
i've already been looking around for a job a bit.

it's totally cool.
i'm excited.
i'm excited about the rest of my life!
I can't wait!

love you all,

Thursday, December 9, 2010

and just do we're clear


i am happy.

ya dig?

life has become quite clear and for the most part better. and stuff. like..yay. seriously. i've been all motivated lately, while at the same time have been able to relax. one night i got 8 hours sleep straight, no waking up, in the first time in years upon years. yes. at the same time, there is less stress. i like myself more. i am not so obsessed with certain things anymore, like being perfect. i am me and i am awesome.

all my love,

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

there are differences

if my last blog seemed out of place or strange or whatever...well i can explain.
it was a collab of sorts.
the words in italics were not by me. they were from Kira.
one of our little inner conversations, if you will.
here it is, evidence out in the world.
i could get in trouble, but I didn't post it in the first place. Kira did.
same with the facebook status and apparently my deviantart despite the fact that deviantart and my blog we agreed were "off-limits"
though i am thinking they need an outlet of their own now.

if another blog shows up, do not be surprised. even though it won't be me. but it might be interesting to give them a chance to say something. if ever they feel like it.

i have no idea. i'll figure it out at some point.

it doesn't have to make sense. i never said it did.

it's all personality.

all my love,

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

monsters under your skin

do not get up. do not move. no.

it is 3am and i swear he is standing there by the door. lurking. always lurking. what did i do now?

those eyes burn. hell fire. you know it's too late now.

it's been awhile. and why can't it be like before? the demon is back. the angel retreated. he's watching you.

do not dare speak. no. you will only hear the words of that demon again. no. do not let her win. no. do not let her ruin your chances. she can only bring hurt. don't do it.

get up. get up now. face the world now. here you will see the truth.

why is he still haunting me? and why is it that i cannot have the control? i want control. no more Kira. no more. Kira got me into trouble. Kira liked to fight. Kira liked to win. Kira liked to break hearts. Crush everyone beneath her. no. not now. not here. not him. not this time.

but there is no way to get away. don't be so foolish. remember how lying to yourself got you nowhere? forget this. forget him. you can't fight it and you can't fight me, so just forget it.

i just want to disappear.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

refuse to fall

yesterday, i was so stressed out. so close to completely breaking down and giving into the things i try not to do.


i refused to give in.

a friend offered me a cigarette because i came out of class so incredibly stressed out about the test i had just taken.
i have never smoked a cigarette ever in my entire life. never. but sometimes, i feel like it. i was so close to taking her up on that offer, but then i said no. why? i don't know. my thoughts immediately turned to a certain person who because of me is determined never to smoke another cigarette ever again. knowing that, how could i start?

so i refused. got more stressed out as the day wore on because my father does not react with sympathy but rather makes remarks that make me feel worse.
and when i asked him to please not turn on christmas music while we were in the car headed home he did anyway. i continued to ask him to turn it off and made it obvious that it bugged me and he just kept playing it.
and i sort of snapped. i don't remember the last time exactly i raised my voice like that, but i know last time it was directed at the same person, my father, since he always manages to set me off somehow, usually because he won't actually listen to what i'm saying.

i got home. i craved my old addiction so much. i was right there, sitting on my bed, the opportunity right in front of me to give in to that once more.

and i ran. i grabbed my coat and my phone and headphones and left the house. wanted to get as far away as possible from the possibility of doing something like that.

i walked and walked and walked. it was freezing outside. the sun was setting and i just kept walking further and further away from my house. i was afraid to go back.

all my fears of late crashed down on me and i fell to pieces and freaked out and didn't know what to do.

but a brave soul(i think he's brave for talking to me when i was like that) wouldn't leave me alone. i texted him. he texted me back. on and on. he wouldn't quit. wouldn't give up on me.

how many times before have i been in one of those moods where someone just walked out on me, or pushed me away and refused to listen, because they didn't feel like dealing with it?

so there i was, lost and confused and wondering who is this guy and why is he still talking to me.

i survived.


and the last night i actually slept really well.


all my love,

Thursday, December 2, 2010

all i need is your voice

if only.

but i guess it's a good sign when talking to someone and hearing their voice on the other side of the phone line makes one feel so much better than what was felt prior to this talk. seriously.

feeling better and feeling inspired and feeling philosophical.

tonight was a great night because of a 15 minute phone conversation. yep.

i know...i'm freaking crazy by this point.

i got an idea for a play, which by the way, i signed up to do this thing in april to write a 100 page script. yes. yes i did.

i must be crazy.

i always wanted to write a play though.

all my love,

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

daily dose

so, despite my psychotic issues being incredibly disruptive, they are not the most problematic issue i have.

yes, it gets worse.

i am tired pretty much 24/7. it's worse in the afternoons.
i have my moments where i feel like i have plenty of energy(without being manic) but those are quite rare.

what's worse is, all of my doctors have not figured out why i am this way. they are all confused because as far as they can tell, nothing is seriously wrong with me and i'm only 21 years old so wtf??

i have tried to fix this issue. i have changed my diet numerous times. i started eating meat again. i stopped eating so much carbs and sugar. i stopped drinking soda except for maybe one or two a month. i started on a B12 supplement when i was told i have a B12 deficiency. i'm taking a multivitamin now. i am doing my best to keep hypoglycemia at bay by eating 5 small meals a day.

i'm getting more sleep and doing stuff to help with my sleep. i go to bed at a reasonable time, and for the most part have made it routinely the same time every night. same with getting up. pretty much the same time every morning.

ive been exercising more as well, though not so much that it would keep me awake at night or cause me to get super exhausted. no.

it's freaking ridiculous. this isn't just feeling a bit sleepy or slightly exhausted. no. this is feeling tired to the point that i am sick to my stomach most of the time as well. i feel overheated a lot of the time as well.
it's super tough for me to get myself up in the mornings and make it through all my classes.

i have no idea what else i can do. and doctors don't seem to have any idea either.

so, does anyone else out there have suggestions? because frankly, i have no idea at this point.