Sunday, October 31, 2010

and everything fell apart

he just commented on a fb status. said something not so nice.

and i suddenly feel like i got shot and my insides are dissolving.


i don't want feel like this anymore.

i wish my body would stop reacting this way.

i feel sick now. and dizzy.



i found him. Patrick. i figured out who he is/was, by doing some searching with the information he had given me.

turns out that Patrick was his middle name.
Ryan Patrick Halligan.

i didn't mention this before, but i had learned that his last name was similar to mine, so i started looking around for a Patrick Hannigan that committed suicide, and it was right there. The picture looks almost exactly like him, only that the Patrick i know is older (the age he would've been if he were still alive).


it's eerie. he had told me he had committed suicide, that he remembered being rejected by a girl who originally told him she liked him, but that it turned that she had been lying to him the whole time because she though it would be funny.
he also mentioned that he had been bullied a lot.

that's all i knew, though.
but i found a website and everything and what he told me and the picture and all of it fits, and i know for sure that it's him. i have this feeling, you know? i can't explain it.

i still know why he ended finding me, or what i should do.
but i feel like maybe i'm getting somewhere with this.

of the many

in light of today's part of the tumblr challenge, which focused on regrets, here i will mention my three biggest regrets. i face the fact that everyone has regrets. and there is nothing we can do but to move forward, really, and not let our guilt over the past stop us.

1. That I didn't stop taking Lamictal sooner, back when I first noticed that something wasn't quite right. Before things got so much worse. Before it really messed up so many things. I voiced my concerns about it to my psychiatrist, but he waved them away, saying that it was a really safe medication and that I probably just needed a higher dose. I complained every time, but what I really wish I had firmly stated that I wouldn't take it anymore and requested a change. Because the doctor kept shooting my complaints down, I went with it. I felt defeated. And partially I was afraid that if even if I chose to taper off of the med and get completely off of it, without doctors orders, that I might get worse. And things being as bad as they were, i really didn't want them to get worse.
But after I got off the medication, much later, after a whole shitload of damage had been done, I immediately noticed an improvement in all things that were problematic while on the medication.

2. Putting on a mask of normality/calm and outright lying just to get out of the hospital sooner, both times that I ended up in a hospital for psychiatric purposes. Both times, once I was in, I ended up being more focused on getting out because of something family-related. So I went back to the mask I wear most of the time, acting like everything is fine, like nothing is so bad, like I'm not burning away inside. Because I have never been very revealing about the entire story of what goes on, nobody has figured out for sure what's going on with me. Right now, the diagnosis sits at Bipolar Type 2, borderline schizophrenia, and borderline personality disorder. You'd think I'd realize that if I end up in a hospital because of a suicide attempt that I should be focused on getting help for myself, but instead, I was worried I wouldn't get out in time last year for Thanksgiving so i could go be with my family, instead of them wondering what the heck was going on with me.
I am hoping that later on, when I get a job and can afford doctor visits again, that I can kind of start at the beginning and tell them everything I can to help them properly diagnose me.

3. Letting a guy named Kurt (who I knew from school) take advantage of me. I regret this because when I look back on it, it just seems stupid. So much, that it's the one thing I never really mentioned to anybody, except a few close friends. I felt embarrassed, stupid, pathetic because it happened. The guy in question was a short, skinny guy from my high school. I could have easily beaten him up. He didn't have any weapons or anything to threaten me with. I had a bike with me (aka an easy way out) and he didn't. But at the time, I was out riding my bike, trying to calm down, after having cut myself a lot and crying my eyes out. I was in such a fucked up state of mind that I freaked out and got scared, panicked and couldn't think straight. (If I had never stopped in the first place, it never would've happened. But for some reason, I did, and after that, it all went horribly wrong).
The next day was the day i called my mom and said I wanted to be admitted to the mental hospital.
(What really did me in, in this particular situation, was the fact that certain things trigger memories that in the past, like then, caused me to freeze up and not be smarter about the situation).

In all honesty, thse three things don't cross my mind a whole lot.
The first one does the most, only because it affected so many things in my life, and I tend to wonder how things could've gone differently had I chosen to stop taking the medication the first time I knew something was wrong.

Things like thse are lessons though. That is how i think of them.
Lessons on my failings, faults, flaws, etc.
My main focus on reviweing them is usually to come up with ways to not make the same mistakes, mainly by trying to be more confident and stron-willed as a person. t not let people keep me from speaking when I know in my heart that it's important for me to speak up about an issue.

All my love,

PS. May all of you, my friends/family, learn and improve yourselves due to your past regrets.

Friday, October 29, 2010

if you ever want to win me over

Eight Ways to Win My Heart (another thing i took from my tumblr)

1. Do something spontaneous and incredibly romantic (i.e. randomly taking me to an empty park at night to sit close to each other and just watch the stars)
2. Write me a poem or song
3. Act like a gentlemen (be polite, courteous; open doors for me; walk me to my door; etc)
4. Blind me with science ;)
5. Listen to what I have to say and understand me.
6. Appreciate me.
7. Accept me for who I am (and all the issues I might have because hey, we all have them) and let me be me.
8. Love me.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

9 things about me

i stole took this from my tumblr. it's part of some 10 day challenge on there and i felt like posting today's part on here. i will also probably post the one for tomorrow.


1. in person, you will meet m as a cheerful, funny, intelligent girl who enjoys her time. yet on the inside, i have low self-esteem, i’m broken up, constantly feeling defeated and alone.

2. i would every single person in the world if i could, no matter who they are. just because i love to share my love with others.

3. i don’t like odd numbers, except for 1, 3, 5, and 7. seriously, they bother me.

4. nobody has ever called me “fat” and meant it, but that is how i usually feel when i look at myself in the mirror.

5. i am still in love with a boy who, on at least two occasions, almost choked me to death. and i have no idea why, except that i remember how i felt whenever i was with him in the moments where everything was calm. it just felt so right, no matter how wrong it could seem at other times.

6. i am a perfectionist. and i get really upset when i don’t know an answer on a test in school. i start to feel like i’m going crazy sometimes when that happens. but i am learning to deal with it.

7. i get really stressed out easily. it doesn’t take much because i overstress about everything…basically.

8. i like to pretend i’m someone else when i’m alone.

9. i am often misunderstood. my actions are at times. to the point where people question my intentions (as if i ever intended to hurt anyone…)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

not that life is always fair

so i got a B on my first pharmacy procedures test this term. i would've had an A if the teacher took out the question that shouldn't have been there.

basically, i proved to her that the info for the question hadn't been presented in the text, and we hadn't really discussed it in class. At first, she said she would discredit that question, but then changed her mind because she said she didn't feel like trying to figure out the points. Which annoys me.
She's the teacher, but if she makes a mistake, she should fix the issue, whether she feels like it or not.

but that's life. i'll deal. one B doesn't mean I can't still get an A.

i'm more concerned that i won't learn what i need to to pass my certification exam.

i care somewhat about grades because better grades makes me look better if an employer takes any interest in what my grades were.

i think the problem is that she used the previous teacher's test without taking enough time to really look over it and make sure we were getting the info covered on the test. there were actually several typos on it, too, that i had to ask about when taking it.

So hopefully, it will get better. I'm just having a really hard time really understanding what we are learning because she speeds through things and I can't tell for sure what needs to be focused on the most. It's confusing.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

all you need is love

i need love like i need iron. sure, i can survive on just a little bit, but if i don't have enough i can;t ever live a full life. like i won't ever have the energy.
(i considered saying i need love like i need oxygen, but without enough oxygen i wouldn't be alive. and i'm still here, so...)

love can heal things that nothing else can. love, i have noticed in the past, can be the best medicine at times. sometimes the right person(who ironically might also be the wrong person) makes you feel like you really belong just where you are, like nothing can break you, like you are completely, wonderful safe and warm and all the pain is gone, even if just for a moment.

what i wouldn't give for a nice, long, hug from a friend right now. seriously.
i've come to appreciate how amazing something as simple as a hug really can be, how much it really does for someone. for me, hugs have the friendly, warm side to love that always cheers me up a little, makes my day brighter. i miss all my friends and all the hugs i used to get. warm fuzzies.

loneliness eats away at us. it really does.

i could really use some hugs.

all my love,

under the circumstances

first day of my second week of my second term and i'm already incredibly unhappy with how school is going. one bad teacher is dragging the rest of it down with me. seriously. i'll have to work this out somehow, but for now it just plain sucks.

the story is, basically, we got a new teacher because the last teacher quit since she got hired at another school where she would make more money and actually have benefits and stuff. she was an amazing teacher and i was sad to see her go, but i don't blame her for leaving for a better job.
so new teacher comes in. who has never taught pharmacology. who has no background in the subject, except for one class in her R.N. program that she is currently trying to finish.
in other words, she doesn't have much idea how to do her job effectively. and it's dragging me down.

took my first test with her today. i think i actually might have failed it. it was THAT BAD. i wanted to cry. it's really annoying that i've been thrown into this. i feel unsure whether i can be successful in accomplishing the main thing i need to do after going through the education. the certification test.
having a teacher who really has no idea about what the test is like scares me. if you don't know what it's like, how can you prepare someone else for it.

if this continues, i might have to go talk to someone in administration about it. because i don't know what else i can do. but i can't learn anything like this.
not to mention her voice drags on and she has a bit of an attitude like she doesn't really care.


Monday, October 25, 2010

you can't change who i am

65% Oxygen
18% Carbon
10% Hydrogen
3% Nitrogen
1.5% Calcium
1.2% Phosphorus
0.2% Potassium
0.2% Sulfur
0.2% Chlorine
0.1% Sodium
0.05% Magnesium
2.3g Iron
<0.05% each Copper, Iodine, Zinc, Cobalt
<0.01% each Selenium, Fluorine
+ trace amounts of manganese, molybdenum, nickel, chromium, boron
water, proteins, lipids, apatite, carbohydrates, DNA, ions, gases, other small molecules, free radicals
muscle, fat, bones, teeth, brain, nerves, connective tissue, blood, lymph, urine, air, digestive substances
bacteria and other microorganisms

oh, for the love of science!


right now in A&P we are learning about blood. one of my favorite things!
i like drawing molecular formulas for different things, oxytocin being one of my favorites(guess why) and i've been looking more into said formulas of different drugs(which you can actually find on monographs that you should be getting with any prescription drugs you know that big folded up paper in the bag...)

i've always had an interest in chemical composition and drugs are cool and that's my favorite part of pharmaceuticals, but i don't think i'd last through all the school i'd need to get into that area or work. still, it's interesting.


Saturday, October 23, 2010

error message #1,224,576

if it were that easy to let go of all those things, we wouldn't be having this conversation.


some people just suck sometimes. and life in general.


they way some messages ar worded, even without a voice saying them...
well i hear the patronizing note in it.
we know how some people are, and we know how they would speak to us, and we know we don't like it, even.

also, a question.
why is it harder to understand what makes a good father than what makes a good mother?

panic attacks suck. i had one in class yesterday. which made it slightly easier for me because of caring people nearby and a teacher with medical background. she checked all my vitals just in case. my chest hurt so much though, it was crazy. before i knew it, i was crying and freaking a little because it hurt so much.
usually when i've had panic attacks i've been alone, quite helpless, confused, trouble calming myself.

my father argues that nobody can truly change their sex because they can't change their DNA. while he has a point, i think of sex/gender being more of a perspective thing. really. it is more to me a question of who you feel like you are, regardless of what anyone else dictates.

being around for the sake of others shouldn't be enough to stay alive, should it?
it seems like it would make more sense to live for oneself. maybe. but then, i don't know if i'd still be here if i really felt that way.

i'm tearing away.

there is someone i know whose words, though often, perhaps, meant to be helpful, suggestive even, always sting. those words always sting me. stab into me.
it hurts. makes me want to run away from this person. keeps me from really speaking to them. makes life awkward when i'm around them. makes me feel more like i can't be me. like life is hard and cold and nobody really cares.

grow up. don't ever complain. suck it up. deal. because it makes sense. it isn't that difficult if you try. etc etc.

even scares me sometimes. so when i want to listen, i can't. not really. i'm scared i'm in trouble. scared of being punished because of what i went through in the past with this person and punishments.

on an entirely different note, different person than one mentioned above, i'm afraid one of these days my father might hit me.

he never has.
i know he has been violent in the past to others.
even if i did not know that, i can tell from that edge in his voice when he's angry. how he gets angry about stupid little things.
the people who get violent, you can hear that something in their voice when they are angry. it's hard to describe, but having been around various angry-violent people in the past, i know what it sounds like.

however, i already have a plan and everything if it ever happens. so no worries. i just get really scared when he's angry because he sounds that way, like he might hit me, or worse my puppy baby. many times i have locked myself in my room or ran off somewhere to keep from getting hurt. a method i learned in the past to stay safe.

get far away so they can't catch you.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

give me a chance

When I was 16, I decided to tell one of my friend's that I'm bisexual. Not only did she have nothing to say and turned and walked away, she never spoke to me again and avoided me at school.

My wish for the future is that more of the people I love will be more accepting about that part of me. It's who I am.

Some people claim that we choose to be homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual.
If only they knew the countless times I wished it were that simple. But it's not. It's like I've said before, that we can't exactly pick and choose who we fall in love with, which is why we often fall for people who aren't any good for us.

I happen to be attracted to women and men, emotionally and sexually. Both on pretty much an equal level. Anyone that knows enough can point out that I've only dated guys...officially anyway. That happens to be more because it was a lot easier to find guys to be with than girls because it's hard to know which girls are even interested to begin with, at least for me it has been that way. Although the fact is that I've been interested throughout my life in more girls than guys. I've had more crushes on girls.
It's something I never talked about much. I still don't talk about it much.
Partly because it seems like the only people really comfortable hearing about it and discussing it are others of the LGBT community.

But this is real. I don't tend to show it because of all the people that don't accept it. People look at it as some kind of disease, some kind of problem, something to be fixed. And it scares me into hiding it. It scares me from having the guts to ask girls out. From being more open about it.

I also tend to go back and forth between which sex/gender catches my attention more. I currently find myself more attracted to women. I have been fortunate to make a friend at school(even though he's a guy) who is homosexual and understands a lot of what I'm going through. I really miss a lot of my bi female friends from high school though, who really helped me get by when others weren't so nice to me about it.

Like anyone else, I just want to be accepted for who I am. I on;t want to have to hide who I am in fear of being judged in a negative way.
We just want acceptance. It's not like we expect people to be like us.
i just don't want people to hate me because of who I love.

To me, love has no gender. No race. Female, male, hermaphrodite, transgender/transexual, etc. Black, white, hispanic, asian, etc. It DOES NOT matter to me. Because that isn;t what is important.

I somehow, from the beginning, saw people's personalities more than I sw what they looked like. It is life and other people that taught me to be judge, to be prejudiced, to dislike others for who they are.

But to me, I just want nice people. Kind, good-willed, respectful, trustworthy people. Those are the kind of people I want as friends. That is what is important.

I do not care who someone else loves, as long as they are happy. As long as who they love is not hurting them.

I wish more people felt the same.

All my love,

Monday, October 18, 2010

memories that stand out-part 1

i'd like to go in chronological order with these, but i don't think i can.
but i wanted to start a collection of the memories that stick to me.
most of them will probably be unhappy.
that's just how it is.


we were living in the apartment then.

it was late at night and my mother was gone. my siblings and i were in the living room. my brother was playing Animal Crossing. i was lying on the couch, watching the game and trying not to fall asleep.

i dozed off for a moment. maybe longer. enough time for things to go wrong.

i woke up, startled. my siblings had decided it would be funny to put shaving cream on me when i was asleep. in my confusion, it got in my eyes, and burned, and burned.

i was crying, and they were all around me, and laughing, laughing, laughing at me. at my pain. confusion.

i was so upset and just wanted to get away. stop hearing that wretched laughter. broken record playing in my head. i ran outside, tears in my eyes, wishing the burning would stop, wanting quiet.

after about five minutes, i tried to go back inside. but the door was locked. they locked me out. it was early in the morning, dark outside. i was confused, scared, distressed. i sat outside the door and waited.

and waited.

the sun was starting to rise. i could see the sky growing lighter. i heard someone unlock the door.

i went inside. straight to bed. exhausted.


this is one of only two incidents i remember clearly enough where my siblings all ganged up on me, though i know there were many other times that it happened. it always made me really sad that they would be like that. i loved them so much. it confused me. then again, children can be incredibly cruel and often lacking the understanding of how hurtful things can be.

Sunday, October 17, 2010


i'm starting to believe that love isn't real.

i'm starting to believe that love is only chemical.

we are chemical machines.

that's me in the corner.

that's me in the spotlight.

losing my religion. literally.

somewhere festering in my heart is the stubborn desire that there certainly must be more to life than human being. but i have that nagging suggestion that none of it is real. not one bit.

we are chemical machines.

as the years go on, we slowly, so slowly, run dry.

when we are empty, we die.

love is a chemical reaction. a chain of impulses running along our nerves.






a study was done where people were randomly paired up and asked to complete two steps, spanning about 34 minutes:

1. Spend half an hour revealing intimate details about eachother's loves

2. Spend four minutes staring into each others eyes without talking.

The results:

the majority of the subjects in the study felt deeply attracted to each other afterwards. two of them even got married.

we are chemical machines.

i believe in science.

where there is actual proof.

we do not yet fully understand how the brain works.

i grew up thinking fairytales were possible.

i grew up believing in true love.

i wanted to think that there was someone out there for me.

we do not fully understand how the brain works.

not entirely.

i am under the suspicion that we are chemical machines.

every thing is a chain reaction.

we think we are in control of what we say and do.

sometimes i think that isn't the case.

why do most people fall in love with someone that is really horrible for them.

to them.

if we could choose who we fell in love with.

if we could choose who we love.

we would choose better people.

if they existed.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

to live in hearts we leave behind

it's like living day to day in remembered nightmares.

so much has happened to me in my mere 21 years that i can hradly fathom how i survived it all. i feel like i'm going to spend most of the rest of my life hurting from everything built up from the past.

there are people that tell me i need to "just get over it already" but if they even knew the half of it they wouldn't be saying that. it's so complicated. these kinds of things stick to you as though they have been sewn right into your skin. in that same way, i also feel somehow that everyone that ever sees me can tell that i've got all this hanging on me. that's how i feel the way people look at me sometimes.

i feel like i could be gushing torment from every meatus in my body, the way i feel sometimes.

these things just don't go away. and i'm stuck living with them. and that's part of what makes it so hard for me to be alone.
because then i sit there with it all hanging over me, picking at me, threatening my sanity.

somwhere in the back of my mind, almost always there, is the desire to go curl up and hide myself away in some distant corner where nothing can reach me.

nobody except me knows all of what has taken place. there are many thing i haven't told to even one person. people may know bits and pieces, here and there, but i find it incredibly difficult to reveal much about anything for two reasons:
1. i think that nobody wants to hear it...not all of it or even most of it (and it would take a really lon time to tell it all anyway)
2. i have this fear that it will be used against me

i'm looking at having to be in therapy the rest of my life just to get through a portion of what has occurred, and that's assuming that nothing further happens after today. because if it did, i think i'd only fall further behind and dealing with it. as each thing happens, it sits for a while, gets pushed away, buried, until i find time for it, which is basically never because i'm either busy keeping my life together or fixated on things that in the past have only made the situation worse, but for some time always seem to make it better, monumentously so, to the point in which i gain a false sense that it all does not trouble me quite as much as i know it does.

kind of on the side, but another thought i had today was also
that anyone who ever thought losing their virginity would make things easier, simpler, etc must have been terribly and sadly mistaken
as i learned quickly enough at the time that it only makes things so much more complicated and confusing.

anyway, no, i don't have any idea what i'm going to do about my problems.
i just often find it helpful to record my thoughts somewhere outside of myself where i can much more easily access them later.

in other words, it was just really bothering me not to say anything about it to someone else.
and somehow i find that if i make things visible to others, then those things seem more like reality and not just some horrible dream and that maybe i can find some way to fix some of the issue. now or later.

i learned long ago that i have acknowledge that these things have actually happened, for my own sake, that i don't think i can just make them disappear, and so i know my pain is real, what i'm feeling is real, so know one can push me into thinking i'm just crazy.

i have a feeling that writing a book could be incredibly therapeutic in itself if i could only find the time and words and way to fit all together.
i'll have to think on that idea further though. let it develop. and see if i can make any use of it.

in the meantime, what worries me more is my trouble trusting people. this causes a variety of issues. i either can't trust people, or i tend to trust them way too much, and kick myself later for falling into that kind of thing, yet again, after i've been hurt all over again for it. i've also been rejected my a large amount of people, either friends or lovers, as soon as they figured out i have a hard time trusting people, often due to impatience on their part, and a general lack of information given. they get frustrated because i wont really tell them anything, or they back off if i tell them what the problem is.

hence, i get the idea that people simply would prefer that i refrain from divulging anything connected to the issue.

and it seems that we just don't have the time. work, school, take care of other people (thier physical needs), and take care of ourselves (physical needs) and then it's usually time to try and get some sleep, something that continues to occur much less often than it should. that' the probably not helping at all with all this.

i am incredibly appreciative to everyone and anyone who has stuck by me, even if it is just because they feel obligated to do so. they are still making a choice.

all my love,

Friday, October 8, 2010

the results are in

I found out all of my grades today. I am ending this term with a freaking 4.0. my lowest grade in a class was 100%. seriously. i feel pretty cool. plus i had perfect attendance and i'll be getting hella awards come time for the awards ceremony that will be ltaer this month or in November.

i am hella proud of myself. after all the trouble and stress and disappointment of my first year at another college, i am so relieved to know that i could do better.

things changed. a lot of problems resolved themselves pretty much after i stopped taking a certain medication. i am so glad i was able to pull this off.

initially, my goal was to get on the honors list by having at least a 3.5 gpa. as time went on, and i kept doing really well, i pushed myself further and firther to keep getting 100% on everything and i actually accomplished it!

it feels pretty freaking amazing. i am so happy about this. i feel like i've proven finally that i can do something with myself.


all my love,

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

demons in the dark

i had a rather frightening experience this weekend.

i woke up early Saturday morning to a room that to me appeared to be pitch black. i remember looking at my clock and upon seeing that it was still incredibly early, somewhere around 3am, i decided i'd try to just go back to sleep.

suddenly, i felt this enormous pressure against my entire body, and i couldn't speak, felt almost like i was suffocating as i tried to force words out of my mouth. it freaked me out.

then, i heard someone or something outside my bedroom. i became only more frightened, though i tried to convince myself that it either was all in my head or a noise outside that somehow sounded like it was outside my door.
but i kept hearing whatever it was, outside my door, slightly moving, shifting around. i was beginning to panic.

and then the door opened, yet at first i saw nothing there that could have opened it. and then suddenly, it was there, standing there. i could barely see what it was, but i could tell that it was short, possibly a child, though i had this horrible feeling that its face was not at all like a child's.

it spoke. i do not remember what it said. i was so scared and confused that i couldn't be sure what it was saying anyway. i just remember that it had a child-like voice, but there was this tone of malice to it, and it had a sort of creepiness to it as well.

in desperation and terror, i mustered what strength i could to slowly move my hand up to turn on the lamp next to my bed. i got closer and closer to the switch to turn it on.

i was close to turning the light on, but before i could lift myself up a bit more to reach it, everything changed. there i was sitting in my bed with my arm outstrectched towards the lamp. the room wasn't as dark. i didn't feel that horrible pressure anymore. and there was nothing there, as far as i could tell.

i lifted myself up the little last bit to be able to turn on the light. upon turning the light on, i confirmed that there was, indeed, nothing in my room. and the door wasn't even open. unfortunately, when i lifted myself up to reach the light, my back spasmed and i wasn't able to get up out of bed for a while because of it, even though i was freaked out by what had occurred and knew i couldn't sleep anymore.

ever since then, i've been really scared it will happen again. it's making me afraid to sleep, and i have this eery feeling that i'm being watched.

plenty of people might try to say that this was just a dream, all in my head, something of that nature, but i assure you that to the best of my knowledge and based on the particular circumstances, i have no doubt that it was more than just a dream.

prior to this, i had been asleep and was dreaming. and when everything suddenly transitioned and nothing was there anymore, i didn't even blink. my eyes were open, i was in the exact same position, etc etc. even so, i know people would have their theories.

i have had plenty of encounters with ghosts, spirits, etc in the past. when i was younger, i used to be scared of them because i didn't understand anything about them, but in general there was nothing incredibly frightening or disturbing about them.

the only other occurrence i can recall that had me scared like i am now was one during my stay in a mental hospital. in that case, it was dark haired teenage girl who had a huge creepy smile and kept cutting herself with a butcher knife and was laughing about it. she stared at me as she did it.
someone told me later that while it had been happening that at first i appeared to be acting strange because i was sitting against the wall with a blank face and wasn't responding, but as soon as someone touched me i started screaming and crying and pleading that they "make her leave me alone."
this girl continued to haunt me, my mind, whatever for the next several days. i was scared for my life, despite being safe within a hospital in which someone kept an eye on me the majority of the time.

despite all this, i managed to get some rest last night without having to rely on medication. the first two nights after it happened though, i took my medication to help me sleep because i knew i couldn't get myself to sleep otherwise.
it has me a little nervous, and i still have the creepy feeling of being watched, tageted, etc, but i think i'm doing okay otherwise. it just has me spooked a bit.

and i thought it to be worth mentioning here.

on a side note: i am thinking of maybe being something creepy for halloween, possibly the grim reaper or sadako(the girl from The Ring). suggestions of other creepy things to be for halloween would be appreciated though. i thought it would be fun to be something creepy since i get to dress up for school (theyre actually letting us wear our costumes to school on the friday before. theyre even holding a contest!)

all my love,