here is a beginning piece i wrote to a possible short story based on actual facts in my life at the time. I titled it- Don't Just Say Goodbye. Not going to say which person i was actually with at the time, but some of you can surely guess if feel like it.
“I just…I love you.”
That’s all I could say to him. I stood there with my head down, staring at the carpet, fighting back the tears, as always. He didn’t seem to get it. It apparently wasn’t getting through to him that I was being sincere.
“Heather, it just can’t work. You know that. You can’t just keep acting like this. You can’t keep acting like things will magically get better and everything will be fine. Look at yourself. Look at where you are in your life.” He sighed. “Why can’t you just accept this?” He shook is head.
“I understand where I’m at, and how it looks,” I said. “But I can’t just give up and lose faith that I can do this. I thought you’d understand. I figured you’d be able to support me on this. I thought you loved me. And well, honestly, I still think you do.”
I started crying anyway. Just a little. I was holding back, trying so hard to stay cool and continue talking. “I know you care. I know you love me. It hurts how much you push me away. I feel so alone and confused…and empty.” I put my hands over my face, keeping my mouth uncovered so the words will still be clear. “It’s so…frustrating…to see you acting like this. I was hoping at least our friendship could hold after all of this. Even though I want so much to be with you.” I sighed, and halted my words. I wasn’t sure where to go on. What to say. It was all seemingly pointless with him not really taking my words in all sincerity.
“Is that it?” he asked. Now he spoke with an obvious tone of frustration. “Why can’t you just face it? Settle down. It’s not that big of a deal. You know what you need to do. So why don’t you do it already?”
He was referring to me asking my father to buy a plane ticket so I could go live in PA with him, and getting my mother and stepfather to let me stay with them for the time until then.
I wanted to tell him it truly, even now, was because I couldn’t leave him. I couldn’t let him go like that. I was too stubborn to give up, even at this point.
“It’s…complicated. You still don’t get it. I can’t explain it to you apparently. It’s not that simple. Just…I know what I need to do. I know what’s up. I’ll watch out for myself. Stop stressing so much. I’m fully aware of the choices I’m making, of the impact they have. Why can’t you just support me?”
Again, he shook his head.
“You know me…I see things logically. I have to be rational. I can’t believe in something that’s obviously not going to happen. You know that. I do care and that’s why I’m trying to get you to do all this. It’s for your own good. You need to do it. Please do it. Please let me have peace of mind on this. I’m worried about where you end up. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”
I knew I couldn’t keep from crying any longer. “Okay.”
“See you later then…” I mumbled. I walked away with the tears already streaming down my face. Every time I talked to him it seemed like I wasn’t getting anywhere. Like I wasn’t getting any further in getting him to realize what was going on with me.
I know I’m always going to love him. I know he’s the one I want. But that’s my problem. My life right now prevents that from happening. And thus, I’m losing faith in everything I've had it in for so long. I’m becoming apathetic and empty and confused. And I loathe myself completely for it.