Saturday, June 23, 2012

love is the drug.

i am a disaster. i think i have a problem. because whenever i am home alone i feel broken. i feel lost. i have an obsession with this need to feel loved. always. love is my drug.
it has made many relationships before hurt me more than they should have. it has caused me to stray when love is too far away.

the truest of feelings and i have this intense longing to always have it with me.
amor est spiritus qui nos alet.

i'm a wreck, really. between the emotional up and downs is this lost, scared person. i know myself so well but i falter because i feel like something isn't right. i am only one half of something that makes such perfect sense.

this is the best thing i've ever had. we compliment each other. it is obvious, this is meant to be, if anything ever was. there is never a doubt, a thought that it might not work out.

but i am a prisoner internally to that precious, wonderful feeling.

A long time of going nowhere

So it has been wuite some time since I've had a chance to post here.
And my life has changed drastically.

I'm living my own life. It's awesome. But I feel awful.
It is hard to focus on these good things. I have a job. A place of my "own" not trapped with a neglectful parent. The most wonderful person ever in my life I could imagine to love and live with. A stable job that pays the bills.

But I'm not happy. I can't be. Somewhere in my brain things are shutting down. I am drowning in this sea, suffocated by emotions that are out of nowhere, spiraling into depression after depression.
And it is honestly getting very scary and stressful. I don't know how much longer and I can keep everything under control all on my own without anything or anyone to help me.

I am trying to take a step in the right direction in apply for aid so I can seek professional help. I am considering trying meds again, this time with a much clearer knowledge and more guts to say no when I don't think something is right for me.

something has got to give, at this point. I have to find something. I have been trying lately to focus on my art, on giving myself things to do and ways to calm down and center myself.

I'm worried I will lose my job. Not because I do a bad job, but because I cannot control myself, keep my emotions at bay.

I am terribly stressed about everything. On top of it I have physical health issues that are becoming more severe as well. But my emotions, still it is them that cause the most trouble. It is very difficult to work in this constant roller-coaster state, hoping I will just make it through another day.

It's exhausting. Using everything I have at work to either stay focused or keep myself from crying is wearing on me.

I don't know what else to say. I have all these eloquent thoughts and theories on the world but i cannot find a way to let go. I can't find a way to calm down on my own.
It's easy enough when that someone is there to keep me grounded and tell me I'll be okay. But the rest of the time? I don't know.

This past friday at work was a wake up call for me. I was so out of focus. And once I gained some energy, finally, I went into overdrive and then I really couldn't focus. My manic episodes are getting worse, harder to maintain composure with. I know it's not good when a coworker is telling me I am getting too chatty and need to focus. Because i know that means I am not controlling myself like I need to.

And I am frustrated because I feel like nobody gets it. Nobody understands that it's not so easy to control those things when it's that severe. It's not a simple matter of finding an outlet or using breathing techniques or whatever else is suggested to me.

And I get more frustrated because much of the time whenever I open up and tell someone "hey, I am having these issues and it's getting to me" they are always replying with some comment like they can relate or they have something of a similar nature just as difficult to handle.

But I really don't think anyone that doesn't have some sort of similar emotional disorder can truly appreciate how much energy and strive it takes to do what i do just in getting through the day without making a fool of myself or bringing too much attention to myself.

And that's okay. I accept that. I am actually tired of people saying something as if they can relate because they really can't. And all it does is make me feel worse.

Because it's not just some small thing. This is my life. It's what I will have to deal with no matter what. It's not just a matter of taking a deep breath staying positive.
This is me.