Tuesday, August 31, 2010

we are just misguided ghosts

So I know I'll be okay.

I'm disappointed and sad and frustrated and mad and all that, but it's not really getting to me too much. or at least, i've been depressed but it isn't affecting how i get through my day.

as for school, well, i'm still getting A's on everything. usually 100%. i feel pretty good about it. i've gotten into the habit of studying every night and doing my homework the day i get it and all that. getting close to only having 1 month left of these classes. of course, next semester the classes will be more difficult, but i'm not all that worried because i know i'm completely capable of getting through them and doing well.

i feel pretty dang cool though for all my perfect scores and seeing those A's really makes my day. especially because it's all me.

i felt pretty cool today when my teacher in career development read off of my paper and said it was a good example for what we were supposed to have done.

i love my teachers. they can be really cool and they actually really care.
-my pharmacology teacher brought us cupcakes today because everyone in the class got an A on the last test.
-my A&P teacher bought me some cool socks because she happened to see them at a store and it reminded her of some of the other socks i wear sometimes(i sometimes wear cool striped socks to add a little spunk to my uniform)

i like my teachers also because i feel really comfortable with them. i feel like i can talk to them about anything i need to. it's cool.

i do sort of have friends at school. i even found this one guy the same age as me who likes anime. i like having people to talk to. i don't feel quite as lonely as i used to.

i still really miss getting to hang out with people and have fun though. i miss my family, too.

i'm still not really sure where i want to go or what i want to do once i finish school. i'm kind of interested in radiology, but i'm totally sure about that. i want to try just being a pharmacy technician first before i move on to anything else.

i'm not sure if i want to move back to CA or not. i love CA and i especially love some of the people out there, but economically speaking it wouldn't be such a good choice. i've been considering moving to OK though. possibly.
like i said, i'm not really sure.

all my love,

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Where's your gavel? Your jury?

What's my offense this time?

I can't freaking believe it. Another whole blog deleted just like that. It's pissing me off. I get close to finishing and then it all gets deleted.

Basically, i'm hurting all over again because I put my heart on the line and trusted someone again. Someone I should've been wary of. Someone I should've pushed away at the start.

I keep letting people in only for them to crush me more.

I just wanted it so much though. I wanted to be happy again. And I was.
Until he just ditched me out of the blue.

I didn't even see it coming.
Nothing happened. i did nothing. he did nothing. and then he disappeared.

i definitely have no respect for someone who doesn't even have the guts to say anything to me. that's just plain rude. and really mean, in this particular case.
not to mention, really hurtful.
ow. ow.

I should've seen it coming. But I just couldn't help myself.
But now I know he isn't worth my time.

So much for that. I'm pretty pissed and sad, and I'm still so confused because I still haven't been given any explanation to all this shit going on.

I still want to know why. But I guess, chances are, I'll never find out.

I just don't get how people can go and treat me like crap when I treat them with such kindness, respect, and love, to the best of my ability.

stupid people, i guess.

it's just hard though. hard for me. I keep giving in and getting hurt. over and over.

i want so much to really trust people again. but i keep getting all these lies and all this hate directed at me and blame and blah blah blah. people can be so mean.

something i'll never understand.

with all my heart,

Friday, August 27, 2010

think of me when you're out, when you're out there

i'll beg you nice from my knees

so i typed up this whole blog just now and then i lost my connection and it didnt freaking save it.

basically, i'm frustrated like crazy right now.
i have a really hard time dealing with things i just don't understand.
it hurts, too.
i have no idea what the hell is going on.
and i have no idea what i was thinking in the first place.

when this whole thing began, not too long ago, i was all psyched up about it. and now it's already turned to crap. pretty much. and i have no answers yet.

freaking sucks is all. yep.

i'm afraid of ending up alone and sad. i'm afraid of missing out on love.
that's one of the best things about life.
i just can't let it go.

i'm hoping on someday.

with all my heart,

Thursday, August 26, 2010

as the sun sets, i'm still waiting

i don't get it.
he won't talk to me.

it's a bit nerve-racking when you're good friends with somebody and then all of a sudden they won't talk to you anymore even though nothing happened. as far as i know, anyway.

i'm just so confused.
i wish i could at least get an explanation. or something.
i mean, he's not acting strange otherwise. everything else seems normal. so why the heck am i being ignored?


i can't believe it's already almost september. time is going by pretty fast for me lately. so crazy. i have six more weeks left of these classes.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

another breakdown

at least it wasn't a huge anxiety attack like last time. instead, it was an angry-at-the-world-and-hysterically-crying-and-wanting-to-punch-holes-in-the-walls-and-screaming-at-the-voices-and-hating-myself kind of thing

you know what i mean?

i'm still pissed and i feel pretty screwed up. when i'm on meds, i feel like a zombie. when i'm off meds, i freak out a lot.

lesson learned: don't lie when therapists and psychiatrists and doctors ask you questions.

on the other hand, lying and hiding and stuffing it all down is necessary to get by while in public aka school. because i'm not sure what would happen if i freaked out during class. even a little.
but it probably wouldn't go so well.

haven't heard from OVR either about my application for financial aid regarding school. i need to call there too and figure out wtf is going on with that because apprently they never contacted financial aid at school like they said they would either.


this sucks. sucks. sucks.

i can't be emotional in front of people. i automatically try to hide it. maybe i'm secretly ashamed that i'm such a freak?
or maybe i just want to people to think i can deal with it on my own.

i don't have time to go back to a hospital.
and besides, every time i go to one, i shut off all the craziness long enough to get out of there.

plus, when i end up showing that screwed up side to anyone, they suddenly want nothing to do with me. i freak out once and i'm out. if i break down, people run. far away. or hate me. act like i'm a horrible person, even.

i don't know.
either way, meds or no meds, help or no help, i feel kinda screwed over. it's like... life can be hollow or life can be scary. ew.

yes, this is the point when i realize that life won't ever be worked out for me. there will always be this constant struggle.

okay, i probably realized that a long time ago.

i used to want to be really unique. now i'd rather be "normal" or "average."
i wanted to be special, but not like this.

the only progress i feel i've made is that i don't cut anymore. i haven't for months. and i feel good about that. i feel good that instead of giving in to the voices, i fight back. that's probably a good sign.

i still need help. but with no insurance, i can't get any. this is probably a bad thing. i'm going to try to, yet again, get a hold of my caseworker on Monday.

meanwhile, well, i do my best to cope.

and i keep singing.

all my love,

so i can find someone to rely on

"so i can find someone to rely on
and run to them, to them
full speed ahead
oh, you are not useless
we are just misguided ghosts"

i feel like writing songs today.
listening to Paramore's new album Brand New Eyes is really inspiring.
i keep listening to the songs and i'm in a pretty good mood

then again, music pretty much always puts me in a better mood. these days, when i get upset, i go out on a walk and listen to my music and i get back home feeling better with my mind cleared up and my heart less broken.


it's always been a big part of my life. love of my life. singing and dancing and attempting to play a few instruments even. and writing, writing, writing. there's so many songs over the years that have been one-time, only-heard-by-me songs. free style. i often make up songs just singing stuff as i go on the spot. some of them i have loved but i can't ever seen to remember them enough to write them down.

my voice keeps changing, which is annoying, but all i have to do is continue to figure out what works best for me. i may not be super talented musically. i have a little bit of talent and a lot of passion.

my biggest dream has always been to be lead singer in a band and be able toi write music and perform for a living. that would be super amazing.
it's just not practical in my case, though, but it doesn't stop me from writing music and singing and dancing all over the place like a fool.

ultimately, it's about connecting to the world and really feeling what i'm feeling and being passionate and not caring what the rest of the world thinks about it.

it's always going to be what i love to do.

with all my heart,

Thursday, August 19, 2010

and i'm on my way to believing.

i think it's going to be okay. not sure what will happen yet. have to have some talks with someone and figure some things out, but i'm keeping my head up and my mind open.

i'll let life take me there.

in the meantime, i'm just going to be at peace with it.

there are things i can't change. there are things out of my control.
so i let that go and move on with what i CAN do.

i find that i am much happier this way.

all my love,

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

paper hearts burn

i guess things might not work so well after all.

friends lost.




but i can't give up and can't give in and can't let this stops me.

it sucks, though. hella sucks.

don't know what to think now.

it figures though that i let my hopes up again only for them to be shot down again.
i need to stop doing that.

i'm stuck wondering if i really even have any friends anymore at all. i'm wondering who really means it when they say they are.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Friday, August 13, 2010

star showers, paper flowers

so it's cool. i'm back to my cheery self.

it's just more learning. like learning who my true friends are. learning that some things are just not worth fussing over.
when you've done your best and there's still a big mess
it's best to let it be.

i'm kind of annoyed that i've run into yet another situation where someone isn't wiiling to just be my friend. to me, it's like they're telling me that being my friend isn't good enough. if we can't be more, why bother. that kind of thing. it's always disappointing, especially when someone is a really close friend and suddenly gets mad at me when they realize i'm just not interested in dating them.

but i realize that there isn't really anything i can do. if they act like that, well, i can't really help it.

it's about doing what makes me happy. not getting so caught up in the possibility that a choice over who i want to be with might hurt somebody. that doing what makes me happy might make other people not like me as much.
i just can't deny myself certain things anymore because someone else doesn't approve.
it's not like i'm intentionally hurting anyway. that's never how it is.

i make choices. sometimes they are good choices, sometimes not so good, but at the time i do what i think is right.

i'm not going to continue living in sadness and loneliness just to keep someone else happy. it just doesn't make sense.

i'm in charge of my own happiness. i'm in charge of my own life. and i know my true friends will still be there even when i make choices they don't like or approve of.

so yeah. i'm learning.
it's tough when you find out that someone doesn't care like they seemed to, or even like they said they did.
and it's disappointing.

but that's life. full of lessons on truth and disappointment. on love. on pain. on faith. on everything.

it's all out there.

since quite a few people have decided for whatever reason in the past year that they don't like me anymore, i'm just more thankful for the people who have shown me they really care. those are the people out there who in my eyes are simply amazing.
and now i know who they really are.

and i love them for it.

with all my heart,

Thursday, August 12, 2010

why yes, i'm going to rant a little.

I hate being accused of things that just aren’t true about me. I hate it when people assume terrible things about me. I know I probably shouldn’t let it get to me since it’s all lies. But I can’t help it. It hurts. Especially in this instance. Because this is someone I cared about so much and all he seems to do now is talk shit about me. To me and other people. And I’m thinking, “I pretty much risked my life to be there for him and this is how he treats me?” It’s so stupid. he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. And he keeps making me out to be a horrible person after all the trouble and pain he caused me. After all that, and he acts like this.
It’s just really hard. I just wanted to be friends with him again. And go figure, it blows up me my face. And I’m realizing that even though he told me he’s changed, he’s basically the same as he was before.
I shouldn’t care. But I do. And I hate it. He doesn’t deserve my time. But here I am wasting it on him anyway. So I feel pretty pathetic right now. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I feel like I just care too much. And I don’t ever want to give up on someone just because things are difficult. It’s just so hard, though. I keep trying and it seems like maybe things are just getting worse. So I wait a little bit and try again. And again.
I probably need to give up. But it has always been hard for me to just give up on something. I’ve never been that great at knowing when to quit. That’s rather obvious. So now I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need to figure something out though. I need to find a way to give up. To just let it be. To just say “oh well” and move on.
I know I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I know that there are people out there that know I’m really an awesome person and that those are the people who should really matter to me. Not some guy I really loved that treated me like crap and now despises me and says a bunch of hurtful shit when really he should be owning up to all his mistakes and admitting he was wrong. When really, we both were at fault, but he did way more damage to me than I did to anyone. When really, I’m a good person, and I’ve always been, and just because I made some mistakes and had problems of my own doesn’t mean I’m a horrible person, or that I ever was.
It’s kind of dumb. Really. I just get irritated the most because now all these other people won’t talk to me anymore because he told them all this shit about me that isn’t even true. And they never let me tell my side of the story. One person finally did. And realized the truth. And finally started talking to me again. But all the other’s still choose to ignore me and bear some grudge against me over something false.
And meanwhile, I just don’t say anything about him to others. I’ve had to explain some things to people, but I’ve always been honest and I’ve never said more than I thought I needed to. This is one of the rare times where I’ve really said so much about it. Because I usually try to prevent a bunch of unnecessary drama over a situation.
I just needed to say how I feel right now, so I don’t drive myself insane. I needed to let it out.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

we could be made for this

just wait and see :)

so...i definitely feel the instability flowing through my body and mind. it's like constantly being on the edge. but i think i can handle it for now until i work the whole insurance thing out.

i'm so excited though because i realized i have various things to look forward to. more specifically, people to look forward to seeing.

so there's nothing this month, but that's fine.
in september though, my brother will be out here and i will probably get to see him at least once while he's here.

in october, if all goes according to plans, someone will be visiting me for a week, and i'm so happy about that.

november, like august, will be pretty much uneventful. thanksgiving will roll around and i'll probably be seeing some of my relatives here maybe, but otherwise nothing.

and then there is december. i might quite possibly be going on a trip over winter break to see some people. not really all that sure about it, but it's a possibility at this point.

after that, i only have two more months of school. i have a feeling things will go by pretty fast. right now i'm almost halfway through my first term, and then i only have second term to worry about. I can't believe i'm already on week 7 of school. it seems like not too long ago i was just starting out. craziness.

don't know where i'll be headed once i get out. i kinda want to move back to California. I miss it. When i first moved there i was hella pissed to have to be there, but the place really grew on me. so now here i am, wishing i could be there.
at this point, i have no idea how the heck i'll get back there. but i guess i'll find a way if i know for sure that's where i want to be. i might have to work for a bit first over here and save up some money. we'll see what happens.

i'm thinking of actually trying to find some work before i graduate. since over here you don't have to be certified to work as a pharm tech, there's a chance i could get a job before i'm certified since at least i'm going to school for it.
another possibility.

i don't know. i guess all i can do is my best and hope things go the way i want them to.
for now, it's six more months of school. half a year. i think i can manage that.
i really think i can do it.
it's kinda funny though because one of my teachers thinks maybe i should become a medical assisstant instead. apparently i'm really smart or something.
honestly, i don't know for sure what i'll end up doing.
i figure i'll start with what i'm doing right now and work from there. take time and figure out what i want to do for sure. give myself a chance to make up my mind and know that i'm doing what i really want to do.

i really think though that life is too short to not do what i want to do with it. i think the best thing i could do for myself is do whatever makes me happy. and right now i'm in a happy place with my life. i like what i'm doing. i like what i have planned near future. i like where i'm headed and i feel confident about the choices i've been making.

it's amazing how great it feels to finally move on from things i should've let go of months ago. i finally got it though my head somehow. i finally decided for myself that all that stuff just wasn't worth as much as i wanted it to be.


i'm dancing for joy again. i think i even feel my heart beating again.

all my love,

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

when the sky falls

somehow i failed to mention earlier that yesterday i had the worst anxiety attack i've ever had. it was awful. i was shaking and hyperventilating and throwing up and totally freaking. oh, and i was arguing myself a lot too.
yeah. i hear voices. i was talking to someone about that today and they said that kind makes it sound like i'm schizophrenic. i was like...really? wtf?
whatever. idk. not that it matters. right now i don't get any meds or therapy until i can get insurance again. it sucks. but i'll do what i can.

on the other hand, today was pretty freaking good. some things are just beginning to work in my favor. i like. i was disappointed that i didn't get 100% on my latest pharmacology test but at least i got 97%. which is pretty freaking good considering i took it when i was pretty stressed out and pressed for time and so distracted by other stuff that all the errors i made were stupid ones. oh well. it was a 7 page test. i tried to do my best and i fell a little short. all i can do is learn from it and do better next time.

but anyway, life is getting better. in the coming months i will be getting to see various people whom i have missed very much so. it will be awesome to see them again.
and i think i'm finally figuring some things out.

like i said before, i'm moving on from some things i really needed to get away from. i just couldn't let go of some stuff and now i finally am.

the days to come may be super crazy though due to the lack of meds. i'll just do my best for myself. that's all i can really do. and keep reminding myself that i'm awesome, amazing, wonderful, beautiful, talented, etc. because that's what so many people keep telling me and i too often forget that.

i try to remember that despite all the jerks out there in the world, there are plenty of people who care about me. i just keep telling myself that when i get really upset or sad or lonely.

despite all the stress, i can truly say i'm happy at the moment. and that's nice for a change.

all my love,

life really is full of surprises

ack. okay. i'm learning here, right?

life just got better. i think.

i have someone again. well, sort of.
for all i know things will change, but for now i plan on waiting it out and i think this will work.

it's really odd. like...
i feel as though if i tell people they'll tell me i'm crazy for going along with this, but it's as if exactly what i've been waiting for has finally found me. i just happened to be looking in the wrong place before. at the wrong person. and all i did was waste my time on something worth nothing.

it's time to move on from people who act like jerks every time i try to talk to them. seriously. i realized i'm just wasting my time and in the end they're not worth the pain i feel from trying so hard for someone who doesn't care.

so here i am.

some of you will figure it all out. whatever. just don't lecture me about it and i'll be fine. if i'm making a mistake i can learn on my own.

old love, new beginnings.

all my love,

Monday, August 9, 2010

let's go crazy, i swear you'll be fine

well, now what?

so...i feel like someone must be messing with me. life must be messing with me.

after all this time, can i really belive the gods have finally smiled upon me and have granted me what i was looking for? just like that?
it feels too good to be true.

now i'm faced with a choice and i keep thinking and thinking about it and i'm still not sure.

ah, such is life.
but this is seriously...
strange for me.

oh, i just don't know what to do. A part of me says YES and a part of me says WAIT.
and i'm like...so afraid of making the wrong choice.
there are a million what if's in my head right now. it feels like it anyway.

but more so, i'm afraid of getting hurt again. people have surprised me in the past with how much they've failed to really care.

life is scary. strange. surprising.

and i have to make a decision here. oh dear.

Friday, August 6, 2010

dance like a fool, forget how to breathe

people can surprise you.
it's a mystery how that works.
someone you may have pretty much given up on can show up randomly in your life again.
and suddenly they're all you can think about?

weirdness. i must be out of my mind.

as usual.

still, i think it's interesting. and thankfully it's someone who never tore me up, never hurt me, never made me feel pathetic or worthless.

something to make me smile. just a little.
and remind me that i'm a good person.


all my love,

Thursday, August 5, 2010

staying up late and waking up early

so..other things have happened this week.
i'm spending my time with my super cool grandmother and getting a much needed break from my usual life. as usual, there's a certain person i live with who continues to irritate me on an daily basis and it's nice to get away from that. and the negative attitudes of him and other various people i see around there.

going back to my super cool grandmother though, she took me to a casino for the first time since i turned 21. so of course, we went to go play slots. penny slots.
despite my reservations about gambling, i did enjoy myself. i think most of it was the excitement of my first time. it was cool because she was teaching me about how to play them the "right" way so that i wouldn't lose all my money super fast. we were there for a couple of hours. and at the end we walked out with maybe a couple more dollars than we started with. not much more, but she told me that coming out with even half the money you start with is a good night. and since we essentially broke even, that was really good.
i like being up late and having something to do anyway. and it was a good experience. i figured out that it's enjoyable but i really don't have much interest in it.

my sleep has been all over the place, but it's back down to around 3 hours per night. i've been having interesting dreams. good dreams even. some of them that i wish were real...but whatever. at least the feelings i have in them are real. something pleasant within all the stress and sadness and hurt. and that's nice. even if they are just dreams. love is still the sweetest thing there is.

in reality, life is decent. there are amazing things about my life that i do not forget. mostly my family, and a few friends, and happy memories.
and surviving. and succeeding at what i'm trying to do.
i am putting my all into school and i'm getting the best i can out of it.
it's nice to be a straight-A student, and i plan on staying one. at least for this semester. i know i can do it.

in the meantime, i take care of my puppy and do a little art here and there and try to enjoy what i can in life. school included. it helps that i have good teachers and interesting classes.

and i have a feeling that things will get better. and i'll be happier in years to come. it's just a feeling, but it keeps me moving forward.

with all my heart,

all remorse and no regrets

in regards to my previous post-

someone died. some of you might know about it and others might not. my mind in some areas has been a ship-wreck of confusion, disbelief, and despair. for me, this is the first time it has really hit me hard. for once, it was someone who at least in recent time i have seen often enough, someone who meant something to me in some way, and someone who's usually there.
not to say it wasn't kinda tough when my great grandfather died, but i rarely got to see him and so i never really made that kind of connection with him at all. and last year a friend died, but one whom i was not all that close to.

so now, here i am, just a little lost. it's just...weird. every time i think about it, my mind does flips or something. trying to think this person just won't be around anymore feels strange.
fortunately, i am spending the week with someone who understands what i'm going through. rather than sitting at home not knowing what to do with myself, since i have a week off of school, i have been helping out and working through the pain involved.

it's still weird though. and i have no idea how long it will feel like that. i think probably a while.

losing someone hurts. and it makes me sad. and sometimes i just feel like curling up and crying. but still, the largest impact is how strange it feels.

with everything i've gone through, i don't recall ever feeling this strange, so confused, so disoriented, so out of place.
weird, weird, weird.

all my love,

if i Can, sir.

And he’s gone.

And the sun doesn’t shine. It’s right in my eyes, yet it seems no brighter than the sky. I don’t even blink. My eyes are two blank spectres trying to pry into any worthy shred of meaning.

The sky is not beautiful.

There is music streaming through my ears, but I barely hear it over the thunderous silence. And it is lost to me. This music is not the same. I cannot listen like I used to. I cannot feel it through my bones as before. It is just noise.
No longer sacred. No longer tender loving to my soul.

There is pain.

I feel it in my lungs like the air is somehow changed. It’s festering in my chest and to take it away would be to shut down. Close the doors and tape my eyes shut and forget how to breathe.
Because breathing is too much and words cannot suffice and eyes cannot see what is just not there.

And I cried.

I spent an hour and tried to remember. I spent an hour and tried to forget. I lost my will and my heart disappeared and the world fell apart but I was still there. Filled with hollow life. Left with nothing and a room of strange thoughts. Inconsistencies. Confusion falls through and leaves us lost, and somewhere far back lies the trail we thought we followed.

But I tried to realize myself.

Here I am deep in a forest of unknown. I try to find life and and my eyes swallow tragedy. I’m inhaling despair and exhaling a lack of meaning. But I see the sun and I feel the rain and I know I’m still here.

And I found nothing but hurt.

A burning hole and a sinking ship cannot fight the sea. I don’t know how to swim through sticks. I don’t recognize the designs of the raging current. I’m drowning through air and falling through space and sinking into dust. I’m upside down with all the blood to my toes and I’m walking on stones and collecting bruises.

So I stand up.

I wake up. It is morning. I’m here.