tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7147201831708269612024-03-13T08:37:35.176-04:00paper lanterns and white feathersmusings of a twenty-somethingHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.comBlogger225125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-45463130953302943642012-06-23T22:04:00.000-04:002012-06-23T22:04:54.636-04:00love is the drug.i am a disaster. i think i have a problem. because whenever i am home alone i feel broken. i feel lost. i have an obsession with this need to feel loved. always. love is my drug. <br />
it has made many relationships before hurt me more than they should have. it has caused me to stray when love is too far away.<br />
<br />
the truest of feelings and i have this intense longing to always have it with me. <br />
amor est spiritus qui nos alet.<br />
<br />
i'm a wreck, really. between the emotional up and downs is this lost, scared person. i know myself so well but i falter because i feel like something isn't right. i am only one half of something that makes such perfect sense.<br />
<br />
this is the best thing i've ever had. we compliment each other. it is obvious, this is meant to be, if anything ever was. there is never a doubt, a thought that it might not work out. <br />
<br />
but i am a prisoner internally to that precious, wonderful feeling.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-21592033444165607382012-06-23T21:51:00.001-04:002012-06-23T21:51:32.927-04:00A long time of going nowhereSo it has been wuite some time since I've had a chance to post here.<br />
And my life has changed drastically.<br />
<br />
I'm living my own life. It's awesome. But I feel awful.<br />
It is hard to focus on these good things. I have a job. A place of my "own" not trapped with a neglectful parent. The most wonderful person ever in my life I could imagine to love and live with. A stable job that pays the bills.<br />
<br />
But I'm not happy. I can't be. Somewhere in my brain things are shutting down. I am drowning in this sea, suffocated by emotions that are out of nowhere, spiraling into depression after depression.<br />
And it is honestly getting very scary and stressful. I don't know how much longer and I can keep everything under control all on my own without anything or anyone to help me. <br />
<br />
I am trying to take a step in the right direction in apply for aid so I can seek professional help. I am considering trying meds again, this time with a much clearer knowledge and more guts to say no when I don't think something is right for me. <br />
<br />
something has got to give, at this point. I have to find something. I have been trying lately to focus on my art, on giving myself things to do and ways to calm down and center myself. <br />
<br />
I'm worried I will lose my job. Not because I do a bad job, but because I cannot control myself, keep my emotions at bay. <br />
<br />
I am terribly stressed about everything. On top of it I have physical health issues that are becoming more severe as well. But my emotions, still it is them that cause the most trouble. It is very difficult to work in this constant roller-coaster state, hoping I will just make it through another day. <br />
<br />
It's exhausting. Using everything I have at work to either stay focused or keep myself from crying is wearing on me.<br />
<br />
I don't know what else to say. I have all these eloquent thoughts and theories on the world but i cannot find a way to let go. I can't find a way to calm down on my own. <br />
It's easy enough when that someone is there to keep me grounded and tell me I'll be okay. But the rest of the time? I don't know.<br />
<br />
This past friday at work was a wake up call for me. I was so out of focus. And once I gained some energy, finally, I went into overdrive and then I really couldn't focus. My manic episodes are getting worse, harder to maintain composure with. I know it's not good when a coworker is telling me I am getting too chatty and need to focus. Because i know that means I am not controlling myself like I need to.<br />
<br />
And I am frustrated because I feel like nobody gets it. Nobody understands that it's not so easy to control those things when it's that severe. It's not a simple matter of finding an outlet or using breathing techniques or whatever else is suggested to me.<br />
<br />
And I get more frustrated because much of the time whenever I open up and tell someone "hey, I am having these issues and it's getting to me" they are always replying with some comment like they can relate or they have something of a similar nature just as difficult to handle.<br />
<br />
But I really don't think anyone that doesn't have some sort of similar emotional disorder can truly appreciate how much energy and strive it takes to do what i do just in getting through the day without making a fool of myself or bringing too much attention to myself.<br />
<br />
And that's okay. I accept that. I am actually tired of people saying something as if they can relate because they really can't. And all it does is make me feel worse. <br />
<br />
Because it's not just some small thing. This is my life. It's what I will have to deal with no matter what. It's not just a matter of taking a deep breath staying positive.<br />
This is me.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-43998462954634598112012-01-14T19:13:00.003-05:002012-01-14T19:18:41.445-05:00life goes on.something constant here with time and that life goes on. no matter where i go or where i fall.<br />things are always going. <br />stuck in this day to day struggle from within that is all i know to rely on. happiness is only moments, only when i am whole. the rest of the time, i am still the same.<br /><br />still the same broken, lost soul trying to find a more permanent escape.<br /><br />life wears on me as it always has. i need help but i have nowhere to go.<br /><br /><br /><br />i am hoping i can get insurance eventually and go back into therapy and try again with medications because honestly it would be worth trying. i have realized that i can't really get by and live and enjoy anything like this.<br /><br />i need to find a way to really live. not just in those precious moments, but always.<br /><br />each day leaves me more tired. i just need a chance to rest, rest in the quiet. make all the voices and dark thoughts and confusion go away.<br /><br />i just dont know where to begin.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-53441486653254548822011-12-20T19:13:00.002-05:002011-12-20T19:28:07.681-05:00holiday sorrows and winter blisstoday another day. and it's holiday season.<br /><br />winter makes me happy, but the holidays make me feel alone. i get that longing to fall asleep in a cold, winter snow.<br /><br />love never tasted sweeter, felt more wonderful. <br />yet i find myself lingering upon a depression i cannot swim away from. <br /><br /><br />i feel pretty good most of the time. i am much better than i was. <br />it's just that sinking feeling. just the usual, awful, treacherous cloud in my head.<br /><br />floods and tunnels and risks.<br /><br />familiar nightmares do not feel any less frightening.<br /><br /><br />i'm still having nightmares everynight and having trouble sleeping and feeling depressed.<br />i started a regimen of supplementation to test it out and see if i get to feeling any more whole.<br /><br />i slipped on it lately, though.<br />i started taking a multivitamin, as well as fish oil and b-complex to help balance me up and make me feel less sick all the time and tired. i am also trying to start on melatonin to help me sleep.<br />i intend to get back on track with all this and keep a journal to track my progress.<br />i'll post updates here when i have the chance.<br /><br />i got all flustered trying to figure out christmas presents for everyone. now that i have money, i don't know what to do. i've managed alright so far, though it is a bit overwhelming.<br /><br />i still have some people to figure out something for. no wonder people wait till last minute for xmas presents.<br /><br />to be fair, i don't celebrate christmas. but i do celebrate yule and the more festive parts of christmas (and the date) originate from the pagan traditions so i feel pretty comfortable.<br /><br />i still buy "xmas" presents, but it's really just an excuse to buy things for people.<br /><br /><br />i am having a lot of fun. i am looking forward to seeing some family i haven't seen in a while, including someone i haven't seen in over a year. <br /><br />i miss california. i really, really miss my friends there. <br />some of my friends out there are like no one else, no one can replace them for me and i am glad for what little communication i now have with them. the time i spent with them i cherish so much and it's sad i can't visit. <br /><br />i wish happy winter fun and holidays and such for everyone.<br /><br />all my love,<br />HeatherainHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-76285973891358461242011-11-28T18:33:00.002-05:002011-11-28T18:50:55.642-05:00so old it's newi can't really say it's hard to predict how things will go with my life. <br />i may be as unpredictable as ever but my life for the most part steadies itself on a wave thats always shifting below or above par. <br /><br />i am stressed. out. lately.<br /><br />i don't know what it is for sure. i think it is the stress of my expectations for my own employment as well as someone else's. i think it is the holidays. i think it is a confusion.<br /><br />a confusion like....i am processing. and processing. <br />trying to understand what something awesome really means in my life.<br /><br />i feel pretty lucky because..<br />as you all know...<br />it is tough for anyone to understand me.<br /><br />i mean, really, truly,definitely understand what is going on in my head.<br /><br />and i finally came across someone who gets it, really gets it, without even trying. i have, finally, someone present consistently to confide in who gets it.<br /><br />i am confused because i don't know how much this person is supposed to mean to me. i don't know much they may mean to me someday. i don't know what i will do if i manage to push them away.<br /><br />but i don't know what i will do if i push anyone else close to me away as well.<br /><br />i really don't know because it is always so scary. <br /><br />i am trying to figure some things out but i always get stuck in this limbo as usual at every age and every point of time because that is me: forever undecided. unable to make up my mind and settle on something because i'm constantly thinking up the what-if's. <br /><br />i'm constantly thinking, thinking, and i can't stop thinking because i can't.<br /><br />and right now i can't sleep because there are nightmares and demons and things.<br /><br />and i can't relax because my body refuses and i have seizures and fingers chewed until they hurt and bleed and i make my way through this weird state through the day and do what i need to do.<br /><br />i need more time to think. dang.<br /><br />all my love,<br />RainHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-1737811575714855522011-11-18T18:19:00.002-05:002011-11-18T18:29:21.019-05:00tricks and diseasesSo I haven't mentioned that a month ago...ish? I donated blood for the first time. Finally,my blood pressure and red blood cell count are where they need to be. So I donated. <br /><br />First time I tried was when I was 16. That was the day i found out I was anemic. I was pretty depressed. <br /><br />I'm type O negative. I really wanted to be able to donate my blood.<br /><br />so go figure,<br />I actually go through the whole process of having the blood drained this time, and i was super happy, and I didn't feel weak afterwards or anything. <br /><br />So go figure...<br /><br />I received a letter saying they couldn't use my blood and had to destroy it.<br /><br />Why?<br /><br />Well, for those of you who don't know, all blood donated is tested for HIV.<br /><br />So why am I saying this?<br /><br />Because the screening test they did, the first one, was positive.<br /><br />But before you're all like, holy oh my gosh what the heck oh no, I will tell you more.<br /><br />They did a second test, the IFA test, which was indeterminate. Wait...what?<br />Yes, indeterminate. Not exactly positive, but also not truly negative.<br /><br />Yeah...<br /><br />but it gets better. <br />They did a third test to be more sure. It's the nucleic acid test. Which came out...<br /><br />um...<br /><br /><br />negative.<br /><br />Supposedly this test is more accurate since it tests genetic material.<br /><br />So i probably don't have HIV. Probably not.<br /><br />The letter advised I should talk with my doctor about it because of the second test being indeterminate.<br /><br />I don't have a doctor right now, but I'm saving the letter for when I do.<br /><br />So no, I don't necessarily have HIV.<br /><br />And I will tell you, it is unlikely that I do. I have not done anything much that would have put me at risk. <br /><br />I have to say though that the letter upset me, especially at first when the first thing I read was about a positive result for HIV. <br /><br />That being said, I'm feeling a bit better now.<br />I always worry too much about things, but i'll be okay. <br />i have plenty of support here and other places.<br /><br />i hope everyone is happy and looking forward to Thanksgiving.<br /><br />all my love,<br />RainHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-59581894315471307682011-11-16T18:35:00.002-05:002011-11-16T18:53:35.329-05:00life, the universe, and everythingit has come to my attention that i am terrible at keeping up with anything now that i have a job.<br /><br />suffice it to say, i love having a job. my job really isn't so bad. a bit boring, but oh well, it's a job. i work in a call center where i talk to dr offices and pharmacies and process faxes all day. not super exciting, but it does use my pharmacy tech certification and knowledge. <br /><br />furthermore, having a job, while limiting, is also liberating. for the first time in my life, i pay for everything on my own. i am capable of getting everything i need and doing everything i need without any help. i finally have enough food and a place all my own and i get to have fun and also be responsible.<br /><br />i personally really enjoy this...this being an adult.<br /><br />honestly, i was scared of being on my own for the first time for real. i was scared of being responsible for all the bills and groceries and etc things in life that i need. but it turns out that i am so much more capable of existing on my own than i realized.<br /><br />in fact, it seems to suit me quite well.<br />i am much more confident and happy like this.<br /><br />now bring in a relationship. one that has lasted for over a year. bring in said person and at first i wasn't so sure. i had settled into my own way of doing things, my own comfortable routine. a routine with lots of freedom, but a routine none the less. i got really comfortable and i was really, really happy.<br /><br />but reality has to hit you somehow, someway...eventually.<br />so i face a new challenge: living/sharing with another person and having that added responsibility of being accountable to them. <br /><br />and i got really upset and disoriented and confused about it. <br />i've settled a bit now, but i'm a bit unsure.<br />but i've figured out that i'm kinda like that (while the rest of you knew for years and got irritated about it, haha).<br /><br />i like being free and doing my own thing and having friends and not having to worry about too much. so i'm trying to figure out if i need that space or if i can find my own way with someone by my side.<br />whatever i decide, i'm taking my time to really know what i need to do for myself.<br /><br /><br />meanwhile, i am plagued by nightmares and the return of more severe seizures and i have nothing i can do about them just right now.<br /><br />i also found a friend. a really good friend right here near where i am to spend time with and talk to who understands me a lot.<br /><br />it's nice to have people to talk to and have fun with, people who understand and can help if i really need it. <br />at the same time, i continue to keep from depending too much.<br /><br />i am constantly keeping awareness to emotions and thoughts and those kinds of things you all know i'm always wrestling with. and trying to keep them in check. and still handling them without any meds. yay!<br /><br />and i am in a pretty happy place right now. so i'm trying to make it last and make it better when possible.<br /><br />i'll try to start posting more again. my internet is currently at the mall in a game store where some friends work at, but i'll try to keep up with it anyway.<br /><br />i miss all of you loyal friends/family/etc peoples that read this that i don't see much and i send my love.<br /><br />with all my heart,<br />Rain<br /><br />ps. RAIN. i have used this name for year in secret but i have grown to love it more and more so i go by it around where i am. doesn't mean i hate Heather or anything.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-63452680211959112692011-06-28T15:21:00.002-04:002011-06-28T15:39:38.658-04:00in all honesty.i can't expect people to understand what i've found in my life. <br /><br />i recognize what a gift this is, to have a found a love so great. most people don't experience this. this feeling is like no other. two people so apart of each other. so perfect for each other. that is how we both feel.<br /><br />love has never been so easy and yet so trying and so awesome, for me. <br /><br />the best part of this is how we effect each other, how when we're together it's really the best medicine there is. <br /><br />it's strange yet so simple, you know? that week i spent with my love by my side, just allowing ourselves to live for once....i never felt so stable. i had a very minimal amount of mood swings. i felt more calm. very little anxiety or stress. <br /><br />i felt free.<br /><br />and even better, it's the same way for this person i'm with. we have this effect on each other. everything just works. i was scared to be in a relationship with distance, but it's really just fine because we make it work. we are so intertwined, stuck together till the very end.<br /><br />that's why i'm not afraid to speak my mind, to be open about things, even my past with other people. chances are, anything i ever write here, i've already told my love about. <br /><br />we are strong enough to handle those things, and i'm glad because our past relationships partly shape how we are with later ones and it's important to be able to understand each other like we do.<br /><br />that way, we fully and truly love each other. we become untouchable. there is no turmoil within the threads that we've sewn together because we didn't let fear get the best of us. we have trudged on with courage and hope and dedication. <br /><br />i really think we're amazing.<br /><br />so i don't expect you to understand. you may try, or you may think you get it, but you aren't feeling this like i am.<br /><br />and that's okay. i am me, not you, and i'm happy it's like that. i never expected you to understand, i just wanted to express my feelings, my thoughts, and let the world judge me, or my family or my friends judge me, as they will.<br /><br />it doesn't change a thing.<br /><br />this love conquers all.<br /><br />with all my heart,<br />HeatherHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-59669772001582257272011-06-28T10:17:00.002-04:002011-06-28T10:22:02.010-04:00humanity.i am happy.<br /><br />fluffy dreams of bubblegum and cherry trees and sunshine.<br /><br />walks below a clear blue sky and swimming in a crystal clear lake and dancing to the sweetest songs.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">nobody can pull me down.</span><br /><br />rainbows and unicorns and fairytales.<br /><br />i love my job. my home. my life.<br /><br />these days are the best, and always will be.<br /><br />you see, i am me. free to go with the wind.<br /><br />warms words and joyful thoughts. and love is easy, isn't it?<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">i don't need to explain myself.</span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-81095663458706316902011-06-24T12:48:00.002-04:002011-06-24T13:03:25.299-04:00the spell that keeps me here with youwhen i make promises and i'm being very serious about them, i am bound to them. in the sense that, no matter how messed up i'm feeling, how much i'm freaking out, or how far off the path i've gone, if i am considering doing anything that would somehow break these promises i feel a force pulling me away from such notions. <br /><br />it feels strange, but i'm glad i am like that because there have been times where that trigger is the only thing that has caused to me to turn back, to look back and see that i need to keep going, no matter how much pain i'm in.<br /><br />there is someone out there who i promised i would never leave, not of my own accord anyway. so every time i walk away, if i get too close to really staying away, that little click in my head is the switch that makes me turn around. <br /><br />love is the answer.<br /><br />i found that there is someone i can be with who gives me stability. i don't know how. i'd like to say it's magic. life is full of magic.<br /><br />maybe some people don't believe in magic. but i do. it's everywhere. and it gives me hope for the world. it's something really special and good for all of us. there is magic for everyone, i believe, if they choose to see it, to let it be whatever it will be.<br /><br />all my love,<br />HeatherHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-3611072073860537162011-06-23T16:23:00.003-04:002011-06-23T16:47:12.055-04:00incumbent fluxa prisoner of my own head.<br /><br />i love my life. i love where things are headed because it holds a lot of promise. it has come down to just surviving, for now.<br /><br />i have a temporary escape from the stresses i was facing before. getting away and being with family and having people to talk to, this is nice.<br /><br />my problem is my own brain, chemically imbalanced as it is. things are starting to drag me down and i am falling back on my old habit of hiding it because i don't know what should be said and how i will be treated if i let these things show.<br /><br />i'm afraid. it's not easy to be sitting here trying to push these feelings away. it's tough because there isn't some underlying issue for me to face, to work out. i'm stuck with this for the rest of my life and only one thing really helps and that's too far away for the moment.<br /><br />i want to be alive again. really life. really feel. break free from this chaos.<br />at least i don't have too much longer to wait for salvation.<br /><br />all my love,<br />HeatherHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-43224070352680201222011-06-12T14:28:00.002-04:002011-06-12T14:43:42.805-04:00adventures of summeri'm having an interesting summer so far. exciting, though.<br /><br />my graduation ceremony is on Thursday. i'm not big on the whole thing, but i know a lot of people are anxious to see me.<br /><br />next day, i'm headed out on the road with my buddy (my awesome grandmother) and we are going to oklahoma. taking the doggies with us, too. i just went for the rabies shot today, and had to walk home afterwards, the whole 3 miles or so almost entirely uphill to get back to my house a little after noon. not so fun, but i do what i have to do.<br /><br />been pushing myself a lot lately to see how far i can go. exploring the area a bit. walking all over the places, up to 10 miles in one day, even.<br /><br />and thanks to the generosity of a friend, i was finally able to get the tattoo i wanted (the concept of which changed little since about 15 years ago when i first decided i wanted it). i was nervous about it, worried it would hurt, but honestly it didn't hurt much at all and only took about an hour to be completed. the first time the needle hit my skin i though..."really? that's it?" i guess i psyched myself out a bit and thought it would hurt. part of my nervousness was due to the location,, on my upper back, where i sometimes have spasms, but all was well, and i am super happy with the results.<br /><br />i am very much looking forward to this trip and seeing some family and getting away from the biodad (who only complains more and more as time goes on).<br /><br />don't know where i'm headed yet. it would be nice to find a decent job in the area so i could stick around here (i really need to find something that will enable me to live on my own). i keep trying, but i haven't had too much luck. <br /><br />i wish you all well. <br /><br />all my love,<br />HeatherHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-42043535120722845032011-06-08T20:10:00.004-04:002011-06-09T12:31:33.562-04:00horror stories for twisted hearts. bedtimes stories of my youth.i cannot say who this is about. no. most of you will guess, and most will get it wrong.<br /><br />---------------------------------------------------------------<br />but you were beautiful. you were, once. back when i was younger, when i was only a child who didn't really know for sure. no, not really. back when there was no "God" up in heaven because YOU were God. to me. you were everything. the sun rose with your haunted limbs and fell back down as you threw yourself into an oblivion. life was a breath of air fueled by the oxygen you supplied as you coasted along through the halls and led us like sheep through our adventures to nowhere. journeys with no meaning. the best kind. sometimes it's more fun to not have any goals in mind. sometimes, it's better to just be.<br /><br />but sometimes,<br />it's better, it was, to carve swords from splintered woods and beat me down for all my sins of never being a free bird, for always clinging to your shadow in spite of all the barbed wire and high voltage circuits that it cast upon me. sometimes, you were a demon, a devil, and i was all too happy to worship you as if you'd never changed from what you were just moments ago. i was all too happy to bask in the warm glow of your burning rage, the fire flowing through your veins, the chaos that carried on.<br /><br />you see, i didn't know any better, i would say. we know that isn't true, but our fabricated hopes were all we had. all we could claim.<br />when the truth is, i loved you. i loved you, so, to a point of obsession. sometimes, i wondered if you knew that. or if you ever realized it afterwards.<br /><br />for all the times i gave into your selfish desires and never whispered a word of disobedience, i wonder if you ever caught on. or if that's why you did it in the first place. if you knew from the start that i was your puppet, there to be manipulated if ever it was your will. there to be punished. there to be ruined.<br /><br />but you loved me, i know. and it tormented you, late at night. you would curse yourself for doing what you did to me. yet, in the morning, bring the sunrise once again. and you fell into your usual tricks, your habitual traps. and i played your games because it was all i could do. i didn't know how else to show you, didn't know how else i could prove my flawless, yet wretched, loyalty.<br /><br />and i never spoke a word.<br /><br />never. though so many times, in the quiet moments where you hovered over my delicate, feeble form, as you feasted on my raw, timid flesh. it was in those moments i always fought my desperation, my deepest desire to whisper "i love you."<br /><br />never.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-64108187817512465302011-06-06T12:08:00.002-04:002011-06-06T12:21:30.129-04:00from what i've tasted of desire, i hold with those who favor firea lot has been going through my head lately.<br />past lovers. lost friends. new family.<br />those who i leave behind, and those who i start a new life with.<br />the mistakes i've made, the path i've taken, the trial along the way. <br />nothing that was ever worth it was ever obtained easily.<br /><br />we're holding on. it's beautiful. i've found a reason for me. to keep going, keep growing, keep holding on. every day is a new adventure, a new challenge, a new existence. we are brave and we are bold. we wave goodbye to those who call us fools, and sail off into the horizon as champions of what once was lost, abandoned, forsaken.<br /><br />i have never been so certain of where i want to be, yet so uncertain of what i will do. <br /><br />i have come to accept that the majority of people who i wish could understand never will. and that's okay. it's time to be proud of who i am, the person i've decided to be. these choices are my own and i am happy with them. <br /><br />i think a lot about so many things. i have a lot of worries to cover at this particular time. but i know if i keep pushing forward i will make it somehow. now that i have what i always wanted most, the rest won't be so scary.<br /><br />all my love,<br />HeatherHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-91135128482391230172011-05-17T21:13:00.002-04:002011-05-17T21:33:14.748-04:00a fragile shadow in a dark, dark worldflood my ears with song, let me escape the moronic devil, he who rules over my pathetic prison cell. my flowers fail to bloom, buds turning black in the face of uncertain doom, and the window leaves little in the way of dreaming.<br /><br />home is a nightmare, a hole where i am sinking fast into the earth without a hand to pull me out again. the ghosts are seeping into my veins and i feel them feeding like parasites at the base of my skull.<br /><br />my shining star, my guardian angel, too far to reach me, sends love for all these tears. but these words i barely feel as my own voice slowly fades away. i try to speak again, but my thoughts are drowned by the beast itself. <br /><br />there was never any hope to begin with. i was always too naive.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-50565247940478269302011-05-16T21:12:00.002-04:002011-05-16T21:26:00.412-04:00drown in your love.in case anyone missed it, my last blog was me being positive.<br /><br /><br />today i got to participate in a thing with MHA and do a painting with the theme of wellness. i have to put another hour or so into my painting before it's finished. I got really into it. i love being very symbolic in my art. i like little details that have meaning. every part of this painting has some sort of meaning to me.<br /><br />i did a painting about self-love. loving yourself even though you've been broken down. even if you feel ugly. even if life seems pointless. self-love.<br /><br />yep.<br /><br />it has been the most difficult challenge in my life. learning to love myself.<br /><br />some people in my life told me that i could never truly love someone else without truly loving myself first. initially, i thought maybe they were right. but then i found out they were wrong. at least, in my case. because i realize that i have really loved others, with every part of me, every bit of my heart, even in the times where i didn't like myself much at all. where i didn't really love myself i learned to love others, and in turn, eventually learned through these other people to love myself.<br /><br />sometimes i still don't really love myself though. and i realize that is mostly my brain being strange. or the others inside of me. and that's okay.<br /><br />it's kinda disappointing when people disregard my positivity and snap up whatever i say when i'm feeling bad. this isn't directed at anyone in particular. it happens a lot with people. plenty of people focus too much on the negative and not enough on the positive. i used to be one of those people. now i'm not, and i'm helping pull out someone else who still is. :)<br /><br />it's a happy feeling.<br /><br />all my love,<br />HeatherHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-43745501777109975792011-05-12T10:25:00.000-04:002011-05-13T16:34:42.105-04:00it's the way i am, it's in the way you tore my heartand where there is hurt.<br /><br />and where there is anger.<br /><br />and where the sadness stills my heart.<br /><br />and where the loneliness kills me.<br /><br />two people are only one person and we are together always and i love.<br /><br />i dream. i hope. <br /><br />i believe.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i am compassionate. forgiving. caring. loving. <br />i may tell you that i do not like one person or another, but i will always help anyone in their time of need. <br />why? because i love.<br /><br />do not mistake what i say. i try to point out that i know that i am loved and cared for and somehow it gets missed.<br /><br /><br />anyway,<br />biodad badly sprained his foot and can't walk. so.<br />i made breakfast and took it up to him. poured him a glass of orange juice. put ice pack in freezer and took it back to him once it was cold enough. keep asking if he needs anything.<br /><br />this is me.<br />i love my friends and family. but i also love my enemies. there is not enough love going around in the world to spend any time intent on hating others and making them miserable.<br /><br />i have feeling enough to recognize that i feel bitter, even angry, when people hurt me or mistreat me, or disrespect me, or betray my trust. <br />but i have heart enough to know i can't intentionally hurt anyone, even my enemies.<br /><br />once somebody is my friend, they are my friend for life.<br /><br />life-time benefits package for friends of me, i sometimes think of it.<br /><br />even the person who i might say hurt me more than anyone else-if he called me (and he only would if he really needed to) i would answer and do what i could for him.<br /><br />hate, loathing, grudges....these are a waste of my time.<br /><br />love, compassion, forgiveness...these are part of my heart. my soul. my being.<br /><br /><br />i'm depressed, but i see through it. maybe that wasn't clear. <br />i use this as an outlet. as a way to get my feelings out there. as a record of how i speak in every type of feeling. it helps me learn and grow and get through my feelings.<br /><br />but i'm educated enough, experienced enough at this time to know better.to see what it is for what it is and do the best i can. which i think these days is much better than what i could do before.<br /><br />i don't know what changed in the past year that people stopped really talking to me.<br />sitting there watching a relative of mine cry because someone else in our family who she loves and cares about deeply won't talk to her...it got me thinking. i have, for years and years, held family as one of the most important things in life. it's the main reason why, though i knew others would not like it, that i made the effort to keep in touch with my biodad over the years. it's the reason as a child that i often pushed my own hurts and haunts aside to do what i thought was best for the family, to keep us together, to avoid more turmoil. that's why i never spoke up about what was really going on, how much i was being hurt. sure, part of it was fear because i was too young to understand that i wouldn't be punished further for telling someone, but more so it was my desire to keep our family together. <br /><br />it's part of why i keep blogging, even. when i realized that this blog could be a way for me to speak up and be heard by my family, it got even better. i may not always like what people comment on my blogs, or when they miss something in a blog i thought was vital to see, but i am happy to have a voice, when before i felt like a mute.<br /><br />there is love. and where there is love, there is me. my heart.<br /><br />all my love,<br />HeatherHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-88479100570100990642011-05-11T21:07:00.000-04:002011-05-13T16:34:42.056-04:00home is where the heart is.the white face that chased away your dreams has found it's home on the blank canvas. the silent silhouette of your childhood lingers on the south end of the last street you remembered. a rain drop and a tear drop are the same.<br /><br />bleeding fingers and bruised bones; these things i'm never lacking, dear. i'm picking scabs, tracing scars, and breaking my soul apart again. i'm dancing away off the cliff and finding belonging in the emptiness, the melancholy of an endless blue sky.<br /><br />those you once knew. the woman with the fair hair and bright eyes. the child always screaming in the afternoon. the girl who seemed to know her place was nowhere. the boy who ran too far and fell into darkness.<br /><br />a heart on my sleeve is what i offer up now, in these days i keep counting down. it has been beaten and broken and lost and forsaken, but it is yours for the taking. i'm am a ghost, your ghost, the ghost of a distant past.<br /><br />home never stayed in one place. and never stayed long enough for you to recognize. you saw it once, you thought, but you could never really be sure. you never really felt it.<br /><br />i am here. heart and soul and mind and body. love and hate and kindness and fear. here i am, to hold your hand. i am where you belong. you are where i rest in peace.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-87351485723349598762011-05-11T20:34:00.000-04:002011-05-13T16:34:41.992-04:00lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on mei've been stuck in a depression for quite some time now. normally it would do much worse, but i have such a shining light in my life right now that it's not as daunting as it has been in the past.<br /><br />still, i am feeling it. i keep crying a lot. i feel distant and lonely and misplaced and lost and confused and constantly questioning myself.<br /><br />this has become the life and times of a girl dealing with DID and i am getting sick of it at times because time seems all mixed up and i'm afraid to make new friends because people won't understand or know how to deal with it.<br /><br /><br /><br />there's nothing i can do. <br /><br /><br />i'm fighting to keep my head above the surface of this sea. hoping i can make it through the day. each day, i tell myself i just have to get through the day. it starts over with each tomorrow.<br /><br />and i'm unmotivated. and anxious. and muddled. blah.<br /><br />i know it sucks to hear this. i keep wondering what has happened. <br /><br /><br />i've been putting on a brave face for everyone. because i know this is just my head, that nothing is truly wrong but my insides, and they are sucking me in with them, and it's hard to fight them. <br /><br />but i refuse to give in. i feel like cutting. or smoking. or some stupid shit to just de-stress and feel horribly guilty about later. ugh.<br /><br />someone pointed something out to me, made me see, that maybe i don't want to be apart of my family. maybe i feel like they won't accept me for me and it's better to just move on and a find a new group of people to call family and forget where i came from. <br /><br />suggesting that family is the people you keep the closest or the people you pick to be around you....that home is where your heart is, so pack your bags because it never stays in one place for too long.<br /><br />and i want to fly away. but one wing is not enough. and the other will never grow back.<br /><br />but i think.<br />i think we are dreamers, lovers, we will fight for this, and we will fall, but we will be together.<br />i believe.<br /><br />with all my heart,<br />Heather<br /><br />i'm becoming another ghost.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-82810957142177525892011-05-10T16:26:00.002-04:002011-05-10T17:56:31.920-04:00l'estrangieri was meaning to write a blog directed specifically at mother's day, but something else found its way in.<br /><br />had some talks with various people regarding connections to family and such.<br />this may upset some people, but i feel like speaking up and sharing how i feel because that's exactly what this blog is about. giving me a voice where i feel i didn't have one before.<br /><br />i have often felt like the odd one out in my family. in a family, especially my immediate family, that does not conform to the typical standards societies has for families/people, i feel like i don't belong. not quite. i grew up with people who all stand out on their own for various reasons. generally speaking, we are all intelligent, capable, loving, fun, hilarious, good people. <br /><br />but even against the rest of my family, i feel like i stand out. throughout my life i've hit a lot of different phases, different extremes, etc. and i'm the one with all the issues health-wise, both physically and mentally. i'm the crazy, sickly, outlandish one. whatever. <br /><br />i don't see it to that extreme necessarily, but i feel oddly different and disconnected from the rest of my family. and though lately i've gotten closer to what might be considered "normal" i actually feel more distant from them than ever before. this is actually due to a lack of interaction with them recently. i honestly don't remember the last time i had a conversation with anyone except the oldest of my two sisters, who i converse with on a fairly regular basis despite her being super busy finishing up her freshman year in college. besides getting answers to general questions, i never hear from my mother anymore. i think this hurt me more because i understand why i don't hear much from my dad or other sister or even my brother. there are various things at play with them that keep them from talking to me more often, although i was much happier when i heard from my brother much more often.<br /><br />i always felt very close to my sibling growing up. despite being outed, despite getting stuck doing a lot of work on their behalf, i was always very fond of them. there were plenty of good times. we always had four people to play videogames. we did lots of fun things together. we stuck together. made sure nobody fell behind too much. stuff like that. <br /><br />we were all cool kids. and smart. and unique. <br /><br />i felt a lot for my siblings. some of my feelings were misplaced, unhealthy, but it was all i knew. when you're young, you don't understand that more should be said/done about things. you don't understand proper relationships(most people as adults don't either though, but as children it's worse). you don't understand what you should or shouldn't do. <br /><br />but as a child, with a single mother busy with her job to support her children, i fell into place watching over/taking care of my younger sisters. my brother, as the years went on, became more and more absent, though i viewed this as a good thing as he was hitting his early emotionally-chaotic teenage years. i was always checking to make sure my sisters got enough to eat, got homework done, were helped when they needed it, got done what they needed to, etc. <br /><br />i learned to cook at an early age. <br /><br />i also did a lot of the cleaning around the house.<br /><br />this is all mainly when we lived in MD. <br /><br />i am not bitter or angry that it was this way for me. that i held so much responsibility. sometimes i feel sad when i think how i spent more time with such responsibilities than actually enjoying my childhood and making friends. but at school i got picked on/bullied a lot and felt like an outcast anyway. so i wasn't exactly upset i wasn't getting more chances to spend time with those people.<br /><br />i was a really lonely child. but i didn't feel like it. i felt more like a concerned sister. i felt even more like a desperate mother trying to do her best for her loved ones. <br /><br />YES. that is how i felt. i have talked to some people about this, how i felt somewhat like a mother to my sisters. i was afraid before to ever mention this. i have felt really hurt in having to be so far away and missing out on a lot of things with my sisters ever since i went away for college and eventually left my home in CA for good. <br /><br />i never wanted to steal any spotlight away from our own mother, though, by bringing up these things. and i never wanted to weird out my sisters by telling them. but i feel the need to get these feelings out. i'm tired of holding onto them. i wanted to set them free.<br /><br />because you see, i'm no longer afraid of my family thinks of me. because i feel like it couldn't really get much worse. right now, i am mourning over this realization: that i am not really apart of my family now. it keeps making me cry ever since i started working through it in thoughts saturday night. <br /><br />i miss my family terribly. i keep wishing i would somehow have the chance to see them this summer. but i know it won't happen. and even if i did, i feel like the distance is a permanent thing. this feeling may never be changed.<br /><br />i love my family dearly. there is nobody i love more than possibly my significant other, but that's a different kind of love, in a sense. nothing is quite like the love for my family.<br /><br />i just feel estranged now. estranger. estrangier. extraneare. extraneus.<br /><br />with all my heart,<br />Heather<br /><br />i know there are those of you, dearest family, who read this. to you, i say: I love you and I mean no harm by what I'm saying here. You all know me well enough to know that, I think. And I know you all care. And I know you all love me. So don't take this the wrong way.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-38258617950495491282011-05-02T16:01:00.002-04:002011-05-02T16:30:03.001-04:00breathing in dreamsi am happy.<br /><br />despite a whole freaking mess due to trusting one person i shouldn't have, i am happy.<br /><br />because i still have what matters most, the most amazing other half i could ever dream of. because we are staying together. because everything always works out. ALWAYS.<br /><br />seriously, so it has been almost six months. we hit a bit of a rough patch for a bit but realized we can't live without each other. <br /><br />i seriously think i might be with the person i will be with for the rest of my life. just because everything always works. we raise voices and get pissed off at each other, you know? but like...not over anything really serious. and then when we do we always end up talking it out and feeling so much better afterward. it's important to get frustrations out and we never stay mad or hold grudges about shiz. and we always help each other out when we can, however we can. and we make each other better people.<br /><br />i have found someone that, when i'm around him, i feel stable. like the chaos in my head all quiets down and i can just be myself and everything is fine. the mood swings are still there but nowhere near as severe. personality flops are minimal and more controlled. <br />i just feel so calm and level when i'm around him. i can think straight and stay focused. i don't even bite my nails much at all just because there is no anxiety or worry or anything. i am able to sit still and just be.<br /><br />this is really significant for me. most of the time i feel like i must always keep my hands occupied, must always be doing something, gotta keep running. with my thoughts all over the place and i can't hardly sort them out.<br /><br /><br />and he motivates me to be a better person. not just because he pushes me to do so, but really because he makes me feel like i really can be a better person and the happiness i feel with him makes me want to be a better person. <br /><br />he makes me feel beautiful just as i am. i am constantly changing the way i dress, my hair color, etc but he always embraces these things. <br /><br />he never panics or walks away when i start to freak out or get really moody or feel really weak. he's always on top of it, doing everything he came to help me in those times. always. without hesitation. and he never complains about it, no matter how much i get that way. the way he is makes me feel like i'm really not a burden at all.<br /><br /><br />and there is positive change with him as well. just in the time i have known him, he has become more positive, confident, motivated, sensible, hardworking, etc. people around him, friends and family, have noticed this change. have noticed how happy he is. and like what they see.<br /><br />i got to meet his family and friends during my trip to NC back in April. they were all very nice to me and seem like really good people. i felt completely at ease being down in NC for a whole week, despite having never been there before, and only really knowing a couple of people beforehand.<br /><br />so yeah. i think i found me a keeper. we intend to make this last for a long, long time. not sure where we'll end up. i might move closer to him, or he might move closer to me. it mostly depends on how job stuff turns out. i am really looking forward to my life though, now that i've found what i looked for so many years.<br /><br />LOVE.<br /><br />on a side note, i dyed my hair blonde. and it looks pretty good. i want to lose about 15 pounds so i am thinking of going on a diet possibly. i also intend to start working out a little to gain some muscle tone because that's more of what i'm lacking. <br /><br />i feel healthier lately. for whatever reason. i've been doing what i can to stay healthy. hypoglycemia was kicking my ass for a bit but that seems to be getting better since i started eating light snacks more often. i've also been taking vitamins and a chinese herb and i walk a lot more.<br />i'm excited because my stamina is returning. i walked at least 6 miles the other day and it didn't wear me down at all, when before i would walk two miles and feel tired.<br /><br />normally, with recent events, i would be freaking out and feel awful and depressed and such, but i don't feel like that right now. i'm just so excited about the future. it's going to be totally awesome.<br /><br />all my love,<br />HeatherHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-71302745119276283302011-04-28T11:33:00.002-04:002011-04-28T12:05:18.525-04:00dancing into insanityi watched Black Swan yesterday.<br />i have to say...i really love this movie. but if you haven't seen it, be warned, it might mess with your head a little. <br /><br />i'm always affected emotionally by movies i watch, books i read, etc. so this movie definitely got to me. but i love movies like that. the concepts involved, the view of ballet in such a sense...it was amazing.<br /><br /><br />in contrast, i am finally finishing up reading the first book in the Hitchhiker's Guide trilogy, this being my third attempt to read and actually finish it. <br /><br /><br />life is life. cake is cake. of which i have none.<br />but i do have Easter candy.<br /><br /><br />still looking for a job. i've even applied to openings for jobs not in my field at some of the pharmacy stores like CVS, but i'm not even having luck with that. I think my lack of experience is a problem, perhaps. <br /><br />i can't seem to convince anyone to stay away from me. i can tell them i'm crazy, but what do they care? they don't believe i'm really crazy. yet.<br /><br />i kind of wish i could be better at pushing people away when i feel like i need to. but i can't bring myself to say any harsh words. i'm always so honest with myself and my friends that when i calmly explain to them that i need space and don't want to be too close they don't take me seriously enough. <br />since i'm passive the only thing i think i might be able to do is ignore people for a while. i don't know. <br />everything is always so complicated when it comes to interactions with people.<br /><br />i am hoping to find some inspiration soon to create some really awesome art again. i feel so close to something great...i just need to find it and capture it long enough to get it out on paper. <br /><br />emotionally...i am...not really sure where i am. it's the same thing as it has been before. i am happy with my life but moment-to-moment i feel depressed and unmotivated. nothing seems fun anymore. i'm getting too cynical again.<br /><br />there is but one brightly shining light in my life and i'm holding fast to it, but my spirit still feels too fleeting. i'll stay strong until my strength is all gone though.<br /><br />all my love,<br />HeatherHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-32753559057176433032011-04-19T11:17:00.003-04:002011-04-19T12:52:23.155-04:00just call me naivei honestly never thought about the fact that men around my parents' age would be attracted to me.<br /><br />now that i look back on this, with what recently happened, that was kind of stupid of me.<br /><br />i'm finding that being exceptionally attractive (at least according to all these other people) is troublesome. it's nice that all these people think i'm pretty. it makes me feel good about myself physically, but i'm tired of so many people coming after me for it. trying to make moves on me. and etc.<br /><br />i get a lot of stares. i can be wearing sweatpants, hoodie, sneakers, no make-up...and still get lots of stares. my sister knows exactly what i'm talking about. i guess it's what happens, considering our mother is just so very pretty and biodad isn't exactly hideous (though my real father has him beat). <br /><br />anyway, with such genetics at play, it's not really a surprise that me, as well as all three siblings, are particularly attractive people. and i know i'm not the only one getting frustrated about the whole deal, from what i've heard from a sister of mine. we've both had trouble trying to stay single when it seems like so many guys (and girls in some cases) all want a shot.<br /><br />really though, it's a good thing. i've realized that being wanted by so many means that i can be picky and find someone really worth my while. which i honestly really believe i already have. i am very happy with who i am with. we've had trouble here and there, but i know for sure who i want to end up with and i feel really good about that.<br /><br />in the meantime, however, i am stuck dealing with these people around me who can't seem to get it into their heads that i am not interested, no matter how clearly i state it.<br /><br />i am handling it well enough though. staying out of trouble as best i can.<br /><br />but i keep asking the same question: "Who are my real friends, then?"<br /><br />all my love,<br />HeatherHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-43744446394573560982011-04-14T09:58:00.003-04:002011-04-17T21:27:05.719-04:00in the whole scheme of thingsi had such a wonderful trip down to NC. very, very wonderful. really brought back a lot of hope into my heart about my life. not everything goes according to plans but the end result is as desired.<br /><br />i trip and fall into a ditch. i don't always trust the right people. bad things happen. really bad things. i'm pushing this little thing aside. my head is a bit fuzzy about the details anyway and i don't need the drama in pursuing the unlikely chance that the person in question is dealt with. so i'm dropping it and cutting him out. it's the best thing i can do.<br /><br />i'm planning on applying to an opening at CVS. it's a regular 3rd shift position but it'll get me some income at least, which i desperately need as my biodad continues to skimp on buying adequate food at times. plus I can apply to a pharm tech position at the same time anyway, so...<br /><br /><br />there is so much going on. what. the. fuck.<br />tornadoes down in NC. lots of them. i was just down there, and the fact that my dearest friend ever was so close to being one of the many injured/dead from said tornadoes freaked me out quite a bit. one really strange panic attack either(i skipped all the hyperventilating and actually panicking and moved straight into feeling like i was dying) and then i'm sitting in my bed talking and thanking the powers that be that we are all still here together. <br /><br />by the way, i came home and noticed that in the week i was gone my puppy gained weight. my good tweezers are missing. clothes hung haphazardly and inside-out in my closet(curse my being all ocd about it) and my bottle of agave nectar is also missing...and the tub the puppy stays in when everyone is away smelled like he peed a lot in it (like he was taken out often enough) and etc. <br />i wasn't really surprised by any of this though...just peeved as usual. <br /><br />i like getting up in the mornings and easing into things. my biodad expects me to be waking up at 6am every morning and start working on things immediately for some reason. despite my continuous efforts to explain that i like to just chill in the mornings when i can and such, he continues to whine about me not doing anything in the morning. (well gee, i'm sorry i don't end up sleeping much at night and therefore spend a lot of time in the morning lying in bed trying to rest).<br /><br />um...i have no idea. kind of pissed at some people right now. wishing i could just ignore them. stop caring. need to stay focused on my own goals. getting away and getting a life.<br /><br />i'm only more sure about what i want now. which makes me feel quite good, actually.<br /><br />all my love,<br />HeatherHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-714720183170826961.post-31478426409638007842011-04-04T09:57:00.002-04:002011-04-04T10:30:43.715-04:00the one-winged angel, the fallen starsometimes i'm too afraid to get close. sometimes i push people away. <br /><br />this is my curse. and yet it's also my super power. i am an empath.<br />( i found this article about empaths: <a href="http://healing.about.com/cs/empathic/a/uc_empathtraits.htm">everything mentioned in this article pretty much applies to me and may help anyone trying to understand me.</a><br /><br />the world is a confusing place. imagine if you could hear people's thoughts, but you heard them all at the same time. it would be overwhelming and difficult to make out anything you were hearing, wouldn't it? <br /><br />well, this is sort of similar. but instead of hearing thoughts from everyone around me, i am feeling what they feel. it is a troublesome existence. and one that i feel like i am losing myself to, at times. i get so caught up in the emotions of others, it's difficult to recognize my own. and it hurts. <br /><br />i have a yearning to understand people, to give a story to what i am feeling from others. so i listen. i listen to their stories. <br /><br />i have heard so many things. so many secrets that i would never ever share. but they do not feel like burdens.<br /><br />i love everyone. family. friends. enemies. strangers. EVERYONE.<br /><br />i can't help it. <br /><br />but the pain of the world is so strong. <br /><br />(i just realized something. i can't believe the best reference to something that has occurred recently comes from Twilight, but whatever. A short explanation for those of you who have not read the book or seen the movie-Edward can hear everyone's thoughts. Then one day, Bella shows up. And for some reason, unlike everyone else, Edward cannot hear Bella's thoughts. On top of it, he is strangely very drawn to her. he gets both very frustrated and intrigued by this whole situation. I have recently had something similar occur. i have met someone whose feelings i cannot seem to feel, when everyone else's i still can. and i don't know what to do about it.)<br /><br />anyway, back to what i was saying. more than anything, pain always shows through. i can tell when someone is hurting deep down, holding onto some dark secret that keeps bugging them because they have confessed it to nobody. i am usually the one to bring about that confession. <br /><br />but everything is beautiful. people. animals. nature. the world. <br /><br />it's sensitivity. i am so very sensitive to the world around me that i feel often like i am drowning in it. <br /><br />i know this is where all my confusion comes from. why i am so unsure of my own feelings. i am drawing from the feelings of people around me so much i can barely recognize my own. it often leaves me feeling hollow. i feel like i have no room to feel on my own.<br /><br />i have trouble at parties. too much noise. chaos. feelings everywhere. i am bombarded. it makes me feel really tired. dizzy. lost.<br /><br />i am faced with a challenge here. choices. i have to take this journey to find my true self and my true feelings. it means giving myself a chance to be alone. but i am so very, very afraid of being alone.<br /><br />Nok.<br /><br />all my love,<br /><br />HeatherHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16297939838863534629noreply@blogger.com1