Monday, June 28, 2010

one week down.

and 14 more to go.

i had two tests last friday and i'm pretty sure i aced both. i'm doing well getting in adequate study time so far. i study every day, spending time on each course. practice activities, reading, etc. it's not so difficult. so far, anyway.

so another 14 weeks and then i move on to my second set of classes. sounds fun, right? it's only 8 months though. no longer than it needs to be, and i like it that way. the big point is to become certified, and i learned that the test is multiple-choice, which makes me feel a little bit better about it. my pharmacy teacher says that the trick to knowing what a lot of drugs are for has to do with the ends of the names. so while we're supposed to learn about 200 drugs, her way is teaching out certain endings to a name indicate what it's used for.

i can do this.

on sunday i helped with bible school. it was kinda fun. one of the things we made were these little notebooks that will be sent to Tanzania. I decorated one. it's kinda cool to think that the notebook i decorated will end up over there.
also, i'm still working on illustrations and i have to try to get them done this summer. it's hard to find the time to work on them, especially in this heat, but i'll find a way. and the teacher i'm doing them for said that she sends copies of the book to her friends in germany and austria. so cool. my art will get to travel. yep.

i'm looking forward to the weeks to come. this week, i'll be seeing my cousin and grandmother. next week is my birthday. next week my sister is visiting.
fun times.
and even farther on, just getting through school and learning and feeling accomplished. it's a good feeling, that i'm doing something with my life. finally. finally.

i've even lost a little weight, and maybe i'll keep losing. i am trying to eat better and not eat so much, even if i'm on a med that makes me hungry all the time.

and even though i was depressed yesterday, and manic today, i got through both instances with ease. i just told myself i would flow through the motions and they would eventually pass.
i'm learning. i'm growing. i'm feeling. alive.

all my love,

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

with an unfamilar side of grace

first day of school. the only class i'm really concerned about at all so far is keyboarding. and only with timed typing tests. since i don't really know how fast i type. but otherwise, i'm good.

i have four different teachers for six classes. one of my classes only has three people in it. in another class, i was the only first term person there.
overall, i think i'll do well. the classes don't seem so daunting now that i have a better idea of what will happen with each one. of course, my big goal is all A's. which is possible. and i'll work as hard as i can to get them. one of the classes is supposedly an easy A. so that's a good-sounding way to start.
my little goal is at least a 3.5 gpa so i get on honor roll.

not to sound...ummm...egotistical...but i feel like i'm probably one of the smarter people around that school. maybe not, but i figure a lot of the more intelligent people are off at 4 year schools, just like i used to be. not to say i won't return to one someday.
but for now, practicality wins over, well, whatever else there is. pride maybe?
so i'm smart. i guess that mean it shouldn't be too hard for me, the kind of classes i'm taking now.
some of them will be challenging, but i feel quite confident that i'll succeed. i'm putting everything i have into it this time, and won't let myself get distracted.

thus i care to mention, today has been a 16 pebble day. mm..quite so.

all my love,

Saturday, June 19, 2010

we can shine.

i don't know if i'm happy or sad or anything. i just am.

i changed my hair again. light on top and dark on the bottom now. it is..interesting.
not really good or bad. i felt like experimenting. and it's looks okay. the only weird thing is that now my roots are really light. they just wanted to be for some reason.
yes, as though my hair has a mind of its own. although, sometimes i think it does.
all in all it looks kinda cool. kinda funky. but not too much. but with my roots so light people will probably think i dyed it darker, not lighter. haha. oh well.

so..I finished Love, Stargirl. It had a nice ending. But now I'm back to having nothing to read, but that's okay because i have school stuff starting on monday. i'll be so occupied with that that i won't have much time to read for fun anyway. i'll be too busy reading my textbooks instead. not that they won't be interesting. well, some of them.
but the book i just read, i loved it. maybe not as much as the first one, but getting that look into Stargirl's true way of being and feeling was really helpful to me. i feel like i learned something about myself.

i hope i can stay this way, at least for a while. it feels good. not too much of anything.

it reminds me though, that lately i've had an obsession with stars. i keep doodling them everywhere. on everything. it's fun.
i think i've always really liked stars. and what they can represent. because they can represent pretty much anything you want them to.
hopes. dreams. love. the vastness of the universe. infinity. how unique every little thing can be. life. need. support systems.

i think about how we need our own star. the sun. how we rely on it. and how the moon needs the sun to shine. how the world has a special kind of beauty in the sun's light.

it's like magic. stars are magical, in their own way.

which finally brings me to this:

people are like stars. for many, many reasons. i love how easy it is to make this connection.

with all my heart,

Friday, June 18, 2010

bumps in the road.

i figured out that it's going to take a lot a lot more school to go the psychology route. if i want a good job with it.
that kinda sucks.

it doesn't completely shoot down that idea, but it makes me less sure.

i guess now i'll be needing advice from people about more school. i just really don't know.

i'm down to 11 pebbles. even though i feel more free at the moment. bad mood coming up on me, i guess.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

people like stars.

i am feeling inspired.

i started reading Love, Stargirl two days ago. It kinda takes me back to when i first read Stargirl. This is the book that takes place after it. And it's Stargirl's point of view. And to think before i felt i could relate to Stargirl i really feel it.
okay, okay, fictional character. but she's like..this typical girl who seems extraordinary to others but really is very human and has her own faults and all that.
It's the way that she feels about things that i relate to. the way she sees the world.
especially the way she has a boy who she left and they aren't together anymore and how she misses him and still loves him but gets confused a lot about him. i know, i always somehow come back to that. i swear i'm not really obsessing over him. he's just on my mind a lot. which hurts. it's painful. but whatever.

this isn't about that. i've been inspired lately. between that whole buddhism spiel the other night, and Stargirl, i'm just all inspired and free-flowing and life seems clearer. i feel a little happier, too.

so i made an alter today. it started with the glow-in-the-dark buddha that was in my room. i made that alter out of cardboard. he sits on my "magic box." it's really an old mint tin filled with random bits and pieces of special things and moments in my life. i put some incense in a plastic dish there also. and a seashell with pennies in it. and then i added elements of myself, sort of. i put my two little pikachus up with the buddha. and i also put the little clear glass spheres in the altar that i had gotten from breaking open ramune bottles. and i also took the paper stars i had made and taped them to the back wall of the altar.
my own little altar, just for me. i love it. somehow, it just works. since my beliefs are such a combination of things, i really think it fits. somehow.

i also have a happy bowl. i started that again. i put those little glass pebbles in it for how happy i am. the more pebbles in it, the happier i am. the most i can have is 20 pebbles.
why measure my happiness? mostly to keep track. to pay attention to what makes me happy or unhappy.

right now it has 14 pebbles in it. which is pretty good for me.

i also am going to try going on more walks and adventures. seek out meaning. find peace. learn to let go.

my first thing will be to go watch the sunrise on summer solstice.

so, i want to try to stop biting my nails. again. yep. maybe i can actually succeed this time. or make it longer than 2 weeks. since that's my record.
i'll start right now. start stopping. haha.
seriously, though.

oh, and i cut my finger yesterday. and spent several minutes on the floor feeling dizzy and then crying because i didn't know what to do..and wow, it just kept bleeding and all. blood all over my hand, all over the bathroom sink, dripped onto the bathroom floor, etc. almost deep enough cut to get stitches, but not quite.
so instead, i cleaned it with alcohol, which burned like crazy so much i wanted to scream, and added some ointment, and bandaged it up. and so far it seems okay. it still hurts, sometimes.

hey, like the huge gaping hole in my chest. i refuse to believe that the beating and all that means it's still really there. no way. heh.

but anyway, ah, inspiration to be better person. beautiful person. live life.
i need to read things like this more often, i guess.

now it's gleek time. i mean Glee time. gotta go.

with all my heart,

and you are.

i just want to say that life is beautiful.
the world around is so big, and yet what matters most are the smallest of moments, little things that make you smile.

i want to learn to care little enough about my belongings that i'd be okay with losing them all, while at the same time i want to care just enough to take care of what i have.

i want to learn to let go, while still keeping my feet on the ground, and my eyes on my dreams.

i want to remember how to fly, but never actually do it so i can stay with those i love.

i want to know what love can be when their is no hurt attached to it, even though i understand that pain and love go together like stars and planets.

i want to be with someone again, just maybe, and i'm tired of people trying to convince me otherwise. it's my own life. i just want that possibility to exist. i want to take a chance again, even though i could just get hurt again.
something i've come to realize is that love is worth that second chance.

in truth, he hurt me not much more than i hurt myself in the process. and now that i've grown and learned so much, i want to try again.
because i understand that people change. and i know somehow that i need to see him again. just once. to figure it out. to make up my mind.
to reclaim my heart for real.

i'm not going to obsess about it. i'll let my life runs its course, and i'll hope that i can see him. it's part of why i want to go to fanime next year. i'm going to try to save up, and get some help so i can make it there.
it's just a dream of mine to go back again. and to see some old friends.
and to meet up with him.

i just want that chance, but like i said, i won't go crazy over it. i won't break apart if it doesn't happen. no. but it'd be nice if others could support me for what i want to do, instead of saying all these things to get me to change my mind.
one-i get confused and stressed out when people do that
two-i won't change my mind anyway
eventually i always come back to this. for whatever reason.
like my heart is calling to me.

i just want people to understand that.

and again, i say, life is beautiful. i want to live and laugh and love, and maybe things will happen and maybe they won't.
but i won't give up. not yet.
a teacher of mine once told me that the one thing about me that really stood out to her was my determination. i know i'll never lose that. and i'm glad that's part of who i am.

so please, don't try to push me another way. because to me, it just feels like your stepping all over my dreams and i just have to go pick up the pieces on my own.

that goes for school, too. i'm not sure if i want to be a pharmacy tech for the rest of my life, but at the same time, i needed to do this. it's something i'm interested in and this way i can get a decent job.
hey, i can always go back to school.
but i really need to figure out what i want to do first.
right now, i'm actually thinking i might want to be a psychologist or psychiatrist.
i recently did one of those tests that based on your interests and aptitude. both of those were on there. it was supposed to really accurate. i took it at OVR. i'm trying to get some funds through them for school.
but yeah. those things showed up, and i kinda like the idea of doing something like that. i've always had an interest in doing something like that. i guess i just kind of suppressed that when my mother started pushing the whole pharmacist thing. maybe i wouldn't make as much funny with those careers as i would as a pharmacist, but i just might be more suited for them.
i have to say, though, that i'm not blaming my mother for anything. at the time, when i decided to do the pharmacy program i was once in, i was plenty old enough to make my own decisions. it's really my own fault for wanting to please my mother too much.

i've gotten over that now, mostly. i mean, i still care what she thinks to some extent. but i'm realizing more and more that i need to do what i want to do, not what anyone else thinks i should do.
and i'm applying that to everything in my life, including love and career.
because in the end, it's my life, and it's up to me to make myself happy.

that being said, i don't mind people making suggestions. i just don't like it when they're saying i "should" do something. maybe they don't even realize they're wording it that way.

and also, i still love all of you. not that you would ever think otherwise. i still live for others, but now i have to live for myself as well.

with all my heart,

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

we dream in whispers.

my trip to california was quite pleasant. it eased my heart to see that part of my family again. we didn't do a whole lot but it was still fun. i went to graduation and did a little shopping. one day, my sisters and I went out together and on the way home we got slushies and it was a blast just to be with them. by the way, they taught me how they say slushies with a funny lisp. it made me laugh, and frustrated when i was trying to get it right.
if there's one thing i really miss about being with my family, it's the humor. i was laughing so much every day at things that to outsiders might seem stupid, but to me it was simply hilarious! plus the random Borat line inserts from various people, including my sister's boyfriend who i finally got to meet.
i got a chance to talk to my youngest sister about various things and it was nice. i'm missing out on her growing up and i'm just always astounded and amazed and proud to see how well she's doing, and how smart she is.
as for my other sister, well, she graduated and is off to college not long from now, and i've always been proud of her, too.
i also got to spend some quality time with our dog who i dearly love.

all in all, it was a very good trip. even though i didn't see any of my old friends.
honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal to me that i didn't see anyone, even though i was really hoping for it before i got out there.

now, in a week, my classes start. i'm excited, but also nervous. i've needed to go back to school, and it's finally here. i feel like i'm finally getting my life on track. finally getting things together. finally doing something.
i hate sitting around. i'm the type of person who constantly wants something to do. so i fill my time with little things like puzzles and games and this blog.
but soon i'll get to fill my time with classes and studying, and then i'll be wondering when i'll get time for the little things.
and i'm looking forward to the actual medical classes. those will be the most fun and most interesting. and it's just one week away.

on a different note, i'm looking into buddhism. again. while there aren't any buddhist places nearby, i thought that maybe finding some inner peace could be achieved through this. i've always liked buddhist practices. it won't be much, but i'd like to give it a try. it may mean being a vegetarian again, i'm not sure. but i'm considering making a little altar area in my room since i think i can find the space for it, and meditating every day, and trying to not be so attached to physical things. that's what i mean when i say i'm looking into buddhism again.
we'll see how it goes.

with all my heart,

Friday, June 11, 2010

traumatic experiences

i'll get to my trip later.

today was...eventful. but not all in a good way.

long story father was mowing the grass down at my grandparent's farm.
and he ran over a cat. i went to go see what was up and i saw the cat...and the blood. basically cut off one of its legs and cut up its tail. the cat will probably die.
and yes, i did cry.
see, i i knew i wasn't really capable of being a vet. i get too choked up over seeing animals that are really hurt. or dying. or dead.
and i can't get it out of my mind. so i thought i'd mention it here.

on a lighter note, i got to see little baby kitties today, which always brightens my mood. too bad it got ruined by the other stuff, but it's okay. i just needed to get that out of my system.