Tuesday, November 30, 2010

and just like that

i went on a walk to clear my head.
i was wearing a long sleeve shirt and a sweatshirt and a coat and i still felt occasional rain drops on the back of my arm

walking though. walking hasn't been working out me so much in recent months. i would go out and listen to my music and come back feeling awful still.

not tonight. tonight, by the time i got to my third song, i was already feeling so much better. i started picking more positive songs. and smiling.

i had another episode earlier. voices and all. but i pushed myself up off the floor and got out walking and let all the tension go.

things are changing for the better. i have been so incredibly happy this past week. i can handle this. i can handle myself. i can cope with these things that haunt me inside. i can.

all my love,

let's throw these memories aside

i am stressed.
i had a bit of a psychotic episode yesterday. i don't know how to describe them. i just start hearing all these malicious voices muttering awful things to me and i feel like i'm crawling in my skin and i can't settle down. i thrash about and feel like screaming and everything just seems out of control. i don't know.

these demons within, they play on my biggest weakness: THE PAST

it's like i'm not allowed to be happy. so

remind me of all the failed relationships. remind me of the abuse; emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, etc. remind me of the hurts. reminds me of the regrets. and the mistakes. and the tricks and lies.
i have been repeatedly disrespected by men in my life and i am so sick of it that i just want to avoid it as much as i can. which means avoiding men.

but what can i do? what can i do when i'm falling for yet another guy who is super nice and amazing and awesome and does and says everything right and it all seems magical and my heart is pounding in my chest screaming at me for being so scared?

i would rive myself crazy trying to figure out what to do. so i'm putting my brain and heart together. i'm listening to both sides and taking the proper precautions and staying safe and everything.

i'm not ready to give my heart away again. but maybe, if everything goes well, i will get to that point again.

yet here i am, flustered and giddy at times, thinking life is awesome the way things happen sometimes. good things can come out of nowhere and you never see them coming until it's too late to refuse them.

i am just a little confused. i'm afraid. my trust has been broken down so many times that it is tough trying to let someone else have it.

but i know i can't allow myself to sit in fear and hide away for the rest of my life. it's time for healing. recovery.

it's that new heart again. new heart.
a tiny seed was planted and now a little bud has sprouted forth and makes me feel so warm inside.

love is love. confusing-awful-wonderful-terrifying-amazing-beautiful-crazy-perfect-imperfect-hurtful-awesome-magical-sweet-bitter-unpredictable

all of it mixed up. and that still doesn't accurately describe how i feel. it's like being hot and cold at the same time. or sick and well. or happy and sad.
in extremes.

my attempts to describe love are terrible i know, but i'm doing the best i can. there is no better word to describe love than love. it is what it is. just as the heart wants what the heart wants. i can't tell my heart, new heart, to shut up and leave it be and nononono i am not doing this again so just forget it.
i can't tell my heart not to fall again. i can't.


i will survive. and will try, oh so much, to make this work. for once. please. and pray that it does.

all my love,

Saturday, November 27, 2010

jeepers creepers

I spent most of my day today at a used book store working on my novel and chatting with some of my fellow wrimo's (we have write-ins at this place every saturday) when this one guy showed up.
i was over the the smaller table alone because i needed to charge my laptop battery a little bit.
the guy almost walks by, but seeing my interesting hat(it's a black one with ear flaps and cat ears that i wore because it is freezing in that place) he just had to stop to talk to me. which didn't bother me until...
he kept talking. on and on. note the fact that his words were not spoken quite clearly (his voice sounded very muffled) and that i have never ever seen this guy in my entire life. ever. after several minutes, i was sitting there trying to figure out how i could steer the conversation in such a direction as to finish it up so i could go back to my typing. finally, he shut up and walked off.

i went back to talking.

and then he appeared again and started talking to me. again. this time, thankfully, he didn't say much before walking off again.

later on, i go off looking around the store, checking out the various books they have. I see the guy walking around, let's call him F, so immediately my instincts took over and i darted into one of the areas surrounded by books so he wouldn't see me. after a couple of minutes i emerged and he was nowhere in sight. taking caution, i began to sneak around and watch my back. i eventually crossed over to another section. and i became aware of the fact that F was walking around some distance away in the area behind me. i tried to ignore this fact so i could focus on searching the books in that area.
after about a minute a feel slightly relieved because it seems that F is not going to come over to me. in fact, he is now nowhere in sight. I continue to peruse a bit in this section.

and then i hear them. quiet footsteps. headed in my direction. and i know it's F. but instead of walking away, i continue to look through the books at hope i'm just paranoid.

i'm not. and even though i saw it coming, the instant he touched my shoulder i jumped out of my skin for a moment.

OH. MY. FREAKING. GOD. wtf is it this time??

i turn around, annoyed at the fact that i jumped (i am pretty sure i jumped even though i knew this was coming because it was so cold in the store that my back was all tensed up). i am determined to not be scared though. even though this guy is much bigger than me, probably twice my weight. i try not to panic. sure, i am alone with this guy in a dark corner of a used bookstore, but i'ts so quiet i'm pretty sure if he does anything bad my screams will be heard by everyone in the building.

and then he asks me my age. me being me, i was honest when i answered this question. in retrospect, it might not have been such a good idea to tell him my real age. i have no idea.

there was one day years ago when i was only 16 and i went walking to rite aid in my cute strappy red plaid dress and combat boots.
a guy who looks to be in his early twenties, standing right outside of rite aid, comes up to me and asks me how old i am.
crap. however, when i told him the truth he basically backed off. the good thing was that even if he hadn't i was right outside of rite aid in broad daylight and i was wearing my big combat boots. it would have been easy enough to either kick his ass or run away into rite aid had he tried anything. but he didn't. but just be safe, i hurried into rite aid and stayed in there for a while.

but back to today.
i told F my age, at which point he asked "Are you sure?"
"Well, yeah," I answered. "Why wouldn't I know my own age?"
At this point I am thinking about the fact that I often get mistaken as being only 16(which is kinda funny considering that back when I was 16 i often was mistaken as being at least 21) and that is probably why he is asking (well and obviously because he wants to know if i'm underage or not).

i then turn away and continue to look at the books, and soon enough he leaves me alone again.

but dang. wtf? what a creeper. i went back to my nano buddies and told them what happened. one of them told me that he was actually there earlier in the day last saturday as well.

so maybe it's a good thing that this was the last saturday write-in for nanowrimo. chances are i won't see F the Creeper ever again (i hope).

even so, i typed over 4000 words today. I am so far ahead i will actually reach 50000 words some time tomorrow.

total win. i am excited. i feel pretty awesome that i am accomplishing this. my novel, however, is nowhere close to actually being finished. and i have no idea when i will finally finish this first draft of it. it may be years from now because once nanowrimo is over i will probably not work on it much.
after all, it's time to get back to reality, buckle down, and study like crazy so i can improve some of the grades i currently have.

also, i have other stuff i really need to work on. i owe four people artwork that i really ought to finish by the end of december. so i really need to get working on that soon here.


all my love,

Friday, November 26, 2010

they came on the novemeber flower to eat our mashed potatoes and stuffing

obligatory turkey post. yes, i ate turkey yesterday.

one of my cousins is hilarious. there i was sitting at the table with my uncle, two cousins, and one other person, slightly thrown off by the fact that this is my father's side of the family and yet there were moments where i could swear i was back home in California or something. seriously. i'm not really sure, but one of my cousins was making comments about things(hilarious comments) that remind me of the types of things my brother says. it was cool. i was laughing so much i don't know how i managed to finish eating.

i love my grandfather. he makes me laugh. i know this is kinda not the nicest thing, but it's like this. my grandmother(his wife) is having all this trouble with her legs and back right now. more so than my grandfather, who is ten years older than her. my grandfather made a comment to me about how men marry younger women so that when they get older they have someone to take care of them, yet it didn't work out that way for him because his wife is worse off than him.
i admit it, i laughed. i thought it was funny. but i mean, if you knew them and the whole situation, you would probably laugh too.
ot's kinda crazy. he's turning 90 next year. it made me think about how if i ever get to that age if i'll be thinking "Wow, I can't believe I've actually lived this many years." seriously, it seems odd to me i think because i haven't even lived for 1/4 of the time he has. wow.

don't get me wrong, my grandmother has her good points too. and she has interesting stories of her own. talking to her yesterday made me think about how much technology has advanced in her lifetime. when she was younger, people didn't have tv's or phones. forget internet for a moment, and computers, and whatever else. the very things that make it possible for me to have this blog.
it's hard to imagine.
just like how my grandfather talked about mail being delivered/transported with horses and buggies. omg. dang.
by the time i came into this life, there was color tv and everyone has phones basically and cars and all that stuff. microwaves. whatever else.
technology is cool.

and one of my most favorite things: videogames
i miss them. my game cube and ds are still in california and chances are i won't be getting them back because my friend who has them said he would send them to me yet wants me to pay for it in advance and wont tell me how much it is going to cost. for all i know, by this point he has gotten rid of everything. oh well.

other things.
i told someone that i don't even consider dating a person unless they meet two requirements.
1. they must like anime
2. they have to be musical somehow

i'm half-serious about this. i have dated someone before who wasn't really interested in anime. it was really weird though. as for the music thing, well, music is basically my number one source of life next to breathing and blood. seriously. i couldn't survive without it, and i am crazy about it(me and music have been going steady for over 20 years) and i love to sing, dance, and play instruments and i seek that out in my mates. so it was only fitting that an ex of mine made the comment that if he and my other exes got together they could form a band. they'd basically be set. they'd have a guitar player, bassist, drummer, and cellist.

i like people who are creative and intelligent, not unlike myself.
it leads the way to really good conversations and a nice helping of self-expression.

but more than anything, i like honest people. people who tell the truth. people who show who they really are. people who share their feelings and thoughts and all that good stuff. yes.

which leads me to this.
awesome people.
guys who don't act like jerks.
people who just seem to get me.

there's a reason i've been in a much better mood lately.
with the same little detail that causes trouble.
all the really cool people live too far away from me to ever really get to see them.

never-the-less, happiness surprised me yet again.
i have the little voice reminding me of what happened back in august. telling me it's always never going to work. people lie. people hurt my feelings. people act like jerks. always eventually. or something to that effect.
the whole "why even bother? you know how this will end like every other relationship did" voice. i think we all have that voice too. the moment our very first relationship falls to pieces. that voice appears and never leaves us.

now me, i tend to ignore it. but as hurt as i was back in august, letting myself trust somebody for a second time because i really wanted it to work out, i'm almost afraid to ignore it. but at the same time, i know i'll never get anywhere if i'm too afraid to take anymore chances.

i will this happen however it will. i will follow my heart, but i will listen to my mind. to logic. to reason. i'll take risks but remain cautious.
or whatever.

i'm not jumping into anything. not this time. BUT,
i feel good about this. i have a really good feeling. okay, so maybe i had a pretty good feeling about the guy who threatened my life a couple of times, but whatever.
this feeling is better than that one. and i've learned from my mistakes, so i know what to do. i have a better idea now of when things just aren't going to work out, no matter how hard i try to make them work out.

i've been in my fair share of relationships, of all kinds and varying degrees/levels, and honestly, even with all the pain/humiliation/loss associated with pretty much every one of them, i still have learned so much. maybe more so about what works and what doesn't. especially what doesn't. and that's something i feel good about. i have experience. experience is good. even if it isn't happy.
my videogame loving mind likes to think of relationships as yet another way to gain experience points. +10 exp here. +40 exp there. and so on.
one of these days, i'll get really nerdy, try to assign exp points to all of the notable events/experiences i've had, and see what level i end up at.
and then there is this:

is it sad that the first thing i thought of when looking at this picture again was about exchange of value and that i think this would count as an implied contract( because i happen to be taking insurance procedures this term)?

anyway, the point is, i am happy. i'll leave it at that. yes, there is a person who has randomly crashed into my life and is a big part of why i am happier. but i promise you, i am being smarter about the situation this time. and i will continue to do so.

all my love,

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

video killed the radio star

I need a webcam. Seriously. So i can make videos for my sisters and get on skype with people. It is rather irritating because my laptop has a webcam, but the school removed the software for it so i can't use it. here i was all excited because I finally had a webcam, and i might never be able to use it. total fail.

I actually sort of have a christmas wish list this year.
So besides a webcam, I am also hoping for a tablet (which my father promised he would get me last year so I'm keeping my fingers crossed), new glasses (since the ones i have are broken and causing me to have headaches every day), new paintbrushes(the ones i have are the ones i got back in 9th grade) and Scupley clay (to make cool stuff for peoples :D)


life is cool. there is someone new i met who is quickly becoming one of my best friends. it is nice to feel appreciated, wanted, respected, loved.

life is working for me. i wrote a new song and hope to record it possibly before the year is over. i am pretty much caught up with Nanowrimo. It's exciting. I feel cool.

I did not get the job I was hoping for, but that is just fine. I'll keep trying. I'll get there somehow.

People make mistakes. I volunteered to get blood drawn by one of the phlebotomy students and the needle came out before she took off the tourniquet, causing blood to shoot out of my arm and onto the table, floor, and my scrub pants. I got really lightheaded, but it was no big deal as far as i'm concerned. I'm happy to help. they're learning, so i know mistakes will be made.
yet i understand the importance of volunteering. they need practice. they need real people to practice on. I'm happy to help out.

time for me run off to pharmacology class now.

all my love,

Sunday, November 14, 2010

wants and needs (and what society dicates vs. what we really are)

I am getting to a point where I feel that I would be more comfortable looking androgynous since I identify so much with both sides of me.I’m not really sure I want to take the plunge just yet and get my hair cut short, but I’m considering it.

I have come along way since I was 9 years old and had my first major crush…on a girl. At the time, i didn’t understand. I felt strange and messed up because even though my mother (being so amazing as she is) did not give me the idea that being attracted to people of the same sex was wrong, society did. Even though my mother was accepting, to me it seemed that the rest of the world did not agree with her. Society taught me that being attracted to the same sex was WRONG. INAPPROPRIATE. It was not okay for me to have feeling for a girl, that was clear. Even in church we learn at a young age that a man and a woman go together, not man and man or woman and woman. To the point where I felt confused because if such feelings were wrong than why was I even having them? I was embarrassed. I didn’t mention it to anyone. I felt like a terrible person and wished those feelings away, day after day.

It is hard to go through elementary school being one of the outcasts, one of the kids getting picked on every day, standing out somehow. Like I had a target painted on my back. I was already different enough that I got pushed away by fellow classmates and became more and more silent as the days went by. More and more of an outcast. To be ridiculed by all but a few classmates who took enough time to get to know me and soon realized that I could be a really cool person.

So imagine how I felt when I realized that there I was, with one more thing to separate myself from everyone else. I was frustrated. All I wanted was for people to accept me and like me and here came feelings that widened the gap. And i hated myself for it. I hated that I had those feelings. I rejected the idea that they could ever prove to be meaningful and wonderful and instead pushed that part of me far away.

This is the first time I have voiced these feelings publicly. In recent years, i mentioned that part of my childhood to a few close friends, very few.

The pain and frustration of my 9-year-old self lasted up into high school. I finally came out and told certain people about my sexuality for the first time when i was 15, to a close friend. But even then, I felt weird and embarrassed about it. It still didn’t feel right.

When I was 16 I began to feel a little bit more comfortable and began to fully understand and realize who I was. I began to acknowledge that those feeling were real and important, that they weren’t going away, and that nothing was really wrong with them. Until that year I told another close friend, finally feeling comfortable with using the term “bi” and she walked away from me right then and there and we haven’t spoken since. My spirits shot down again after that. I was scared to tell anyone ever again.

Then school rolled around the next year. My senior year of high school. I was still struggling to find my little niche with people I knew would really, truly accept me. And I got lucky. There is one friend in particular who really helped me come to terms, finally, with who I was and who I found myself attracted to. Her name is Salena and I love her dearly. I don’t think I ever mentioned to her how much she helped me to finally feel comfortable with that part of myself, but that’s how it is. She had the same kind of feelings towards girls I had been having, so we were able to relate to each other a lot. It really opened my eyes. Here was this cool, awesome, amazing, beautiful, seemingly confident girl who wasn’t afraid to be who she was. And it opened my eyes finally to the idea that there is acceptance out there for people like me. That I shouldn’t be afraid to be myself. That being attracted to girls/women is not wrong at all.

Now here I am, exploring even more my sexuality and gender identity. It was only this year that I began to discover words that went beyond male/female or homo, hetero, and bi. I finally found words that fit who I am.

So here I am, world.

My name is Heather. I am pansexual and genderqueer and I love that I am that way because I love me for who I am, inside and out.

just another week

So this past week threatened to be disastrous. But I am still here. I am alive. I survived.

Sunday-I felt awful. Sick. Exhausted. Knew I needed to study. Hoped I would have a better time with my tests in the coming week (since the Friday before I took a test while I was manic and silently freaking out and couldn't think straight or manage to remember a whole bunch of things I had learned.)Felt irritated a bit by my father that night.

Monday-Felt a bit better. Tried to relax. Couldn't seem to relax. Tried to study. Couldn't focus. Did some puzzles in attempt to take my mind of all the crap. Hoped at least that would feel better for for Tuesday.

Tuesday-Woke up after having a really freaky nightmare. Felt a bit less sick but got up late. Had to rush around, no time to shower, almost late to class. Stressed out about needing better grades in two of my classes.

Wednesday-Horror. Woke up around 4:30 in the morning. Something hard underneath me. Discovered it was my glasses. Pulled them out and decided part was missing, still under me. Thinking Oh crap, not this again. Turned on light to try and see what had happened to them. So disoriented I gave up and tried to sleep more.
Got up later and figured out the the glasses could not be easily fixed, if at all. Got my father to tape them together for me since I couldn't see to do it myself.
More horror. Classes went fine until A&P at 12. Girl (who has often been disruptive and rude in class before) gets up in front of entire class and says she has something to say. Thinking oh god, now what? but did not expect what was coming. In front of the entire class, she accuses me and a friend of mine in the class of discussing other people's grades and talking shit about them behind their backs, of speaking up too much in class and not giving anyone else a chance to answer, and basically being kind of stuck-up and thinking we're better than her, are grades are better, ha ha. Goes on to make statements about saying things to her face (though i later learn she talks about me behind my back) and a comment that basically translated into the "My life is so much harder than yours though. That's why my grades aren't as good as yours." excuse. Which we all know is bullshit, or some of us anyway (all i can say is that me and my friend have all kinds of issues going on and it was ignorant for her to assume we have it easy).
Basically, the whole things was a lie. All of it. Not one bit was true. Me and my friend only discuss each other's work and grades, not others. We don't even know other's grades most of the time anyway. I rarely speak up in that class or raise my hand to answer questions, so I was confused where she had gotten that idea from. And I certainly don't go around bragging about being better than people because i get better grades (I found out later that somebody supposedly saw on my facebook a bunch of stuff where I was bragging all the time and saying i was better than people and similar things. (Not only is this not true, but only three people at that school even have access to my facebook, none of whom were the same people making such accusations).
This incident led to my facebook status about being better than people because I'm more mature, not because I'm smarter (and i hope most of you who saw that realized I was being sarcastic and making my own little joke to lighten the stress on me from that day.) I NEVER boast about being better than people ever. Except in situations where I was clearly joking among close friends who knew very well I didn't really mean it.

Thursday-Resolve to just ignore/not talk to anyone who chimed in with their own accusations from the previous day. (This included the one girl who has every class with me, but oh well. She'll have to find help with homework elsewhere now. I don't tolerate being disrespected by people if i don't have to.)
Discussed the issue of the day before to the teacher whose class it had occurred in, so hopefully it won't happen again. Breathed a sigh of relief when no further accusations were made.
Had a hypoglycemic episode but managed to get some free food from the luncheon that day before I passed out. Still felt like crap afterward.
Went home with an awful headache. Irritated because my taped up glasses now sat slanted on my face and messed with my vision.
Came home. Found out about over half of my coffee was now gone because of guy that rents room in our house (and it was one of those big Folger tubs, too). Frustrated because coffee is not exactly cheap but I mainly rely on it to settle my stomach since I wake up feeling nauseous almost every morning.

Friday-Exhausted from the week. Stressed. Annoyed even more by my broken glasses. Spent almost entire duration of my last class of the day not wearing glasses because my eyes were so irritated from them being slanted and screwing with my vision.
Some people asked me if I was okay because apparently I looked sick, but my only issue was with the glasses.

Saturday-Tried to de-stress. Had a very pleasant conversation with a friend of mine that lifted my spirits. Felt pretty good about the day.
Then on my way up the stairs, full glass of milk in hand, i slipped and fell, bruising my leg in three places to the point where it hurt like hell. Somehow managed to only spill a little bit of my milk, but pulled the railing for the stairs loose.

And now it's a new week. My leg is still sore. I actually, on a whim, went to church this morning and it went okay. I even ended up singing with the choir since I was familiar with today's anthem.

I got through the week though. My glasses are still broken (not like I have any money to get new glasses) so yeah. Bleh.

When life gives you crap, the best thing you can do is hope it comes out the right end. (hahaha. get it?)

All my love to all y'alls who read this (and don't think i'm a total loser. if you do, gtfo. seriously. though i mean this in the nicest way possible. not really.


PS. To those of you who don't know, gelatin is made from animals. Seriously. From collagen in their skin and bones.

PPS. If I just ruined Jell-O and all other gelatin-containing foods for you (like gummy bears, other assorted gummy candies, and chewing gum and oh yeah, marshmallows) then, NO, I am not sorry for telling you the truth. (okay...maybe I'm a little sorry, but I'll get over it).

Sunday, November 7, 2010

and don't forget

I'm doing NaNoWriMo this year, even though I have school now. And I am finding that finally buckling down and getting to work writing the fantasy novel I've had in my head since around 5th grade has some therapeutic value. I have nearly 7000words right now. While I'm still behind, according the the NaNoWriMo site, I'm not too far off. I'm finding that writing this story is easy. i have it all in my head. i just have to figure out how to say it. but at least i am finally getting the basic story recorded somewhere other than my brain, and maybe i can work on it more later. Even if all i do with it is share it with friends or something. i like it. i like writing.

Also, I need to write myself a note about helping people. Because that always seems to be what makes my life feel worthwhile. Getting to talk to someone, give them advice, help them out, or even just be someone that listens to them. I live for this kinda thing, apparently. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I know someone feels better about some issue because I helped them out.

There's a reason i'm going into the medical field, after all, rather than pursuing art. I like helping people. I like doing good things. i like making people smile.

So does life have a purpose? you bet it does. I just need to remember that helping people is mine, at least for now.

All my love,

Friday, November 5, 2010


1. I am not happy with my life. I have moments where nothing matters anymore, and all the magic is gone. Where logic explains everything, except some things that religion doesn’t answer either. And I wonder what I should do when life gets that way for me. I wonder if being alive has any meaning at all. If we all just die, and that’s it, then what? Where is the purpose? What is the use? etc. There are things I wish I didn’t know, too. Things that hurt.

You might tell me that nobody is happy with their life. But when I say I am not happy, I mean I am the opposite. Quite so. Not happy at all. About anything. That is just how I feel sometime.

I go back to the belief I am just a chemical machine. I will eventually run out of fuel and die. I will eventually malfunction, stop working. And then I will be gone.

The end.

How do people get themselves to believe in gods or heaven or anything like that?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

combined this time

more from tumblr thing-

Five people that mean a lot(i cheated)

1. My family

2. Doug

3. Yunji

4. Salena

5. Krysten

aka the people who helped me survive during my lowest of times
I dearly love/appreciate/care about you all <3

With all my heart,


Four turn-offs:

1.lying (if won't like you if i don't trust you)

2. disrespect (without respect, you might as well forget it)

3. lack of basic hygiene (you better not smell bad or look gross, basically)

4. abuse of any kind (DUH.)