If I could love you for your lies, if only

those moments when i find myself staring out the window.
the sky is grey and i hate the way he left without a trace. without a face.
i've been dreaming about children with empty-minds who flood the halls and won't leave when i tell them. how they sit and talk but there are not really words at all. and there is no sound, but i hear them.

i'm traveling over rocks, jagged rocks, with my bare feet and a child in my arms. i'm searching, on a mission, and i can't remember the details, but my feet carry me in the right direction.

i'm taking my chances when i whisper his name. thinking he will appear, as if i have the power to summon demons, as if i have the power to make them real.
wishing that faith could change a heart on its own, that love could heal wounds over time, that silence will make the hate pass me by.

i'm forced to hide when he breaks free, smahing the air until i can't breathe. crashing through walls and breaking my bones, and really, why did i come in the first place is what i begin to wonder. because somehow i forget my reasoning.
i grasp for that place where are hearts touched, where we held hands and flew through pain.

i would try to escape to that plane of existence again, but it seems i've fogotten how to get there.
secrets always hide and play us for fools and know we can't catch them unless they let us. and i hate them for it.
still i keep my secrets safe inside and know i can't ever let them go. still i keep him secret in my heart, so sometimes i don't know that he's still there. beating.

i think i'm waiting, patiently, for some kind of truth to fall from the sky. life forms a melody that keeps us asleep. i keep trying to wake up. why can't i wake up?
it's just no use. impossible to understand the mysteries of the past, the inevitabilities of the future, the pain i feel right now.

i can see sunlight on the tree outside, but the sun itself has been lost. the peculiarity of it all. strange how the chemicals in my eyes can burn holes through my brain and keep me sane at the same time. strange how my heart is beating if it's not really there.

i am wondering how i will ever find someone again. i am wondering what i will do with my life. ideas are ideas. they lose practicality so fast, i never get the chance to blink. i think maybe reality isn't reality at all. instead, it lies the figment of trees and oceans of deities that are bored and lonely. like they somehow can't find each other. how sad.

somebody told me we are all alone in the end anyway, so it doesn't matter that we're alone now. we're just getting a head start.

i don't believe that though. i have more faith in where we go. even if i don't really know.