Friday, April 30, 2010

i'm much too empty

but so full of words.
my favorites from my random daily poetry:

the frost is setting in
winter is always cold
i dream so much about you, yet
still i am alone

and if you were to come back to me
i wonder what it is you'd see
for as i lay dying on this night
i pray you'll never reach me

we fly and then we fall
we run and then we crawl
we dream of what we saw
but you're better than nothing at all

the moon was pale and cried last night
out to the ocean she loves
for the stars have all forsaken her
and she feels all alone

the ocean with its mighty tides
made waves that stretched like arms
and wrapped her, held her tight
until morning turned to dawn

black heart
how i despise you
how i fight against you
how i cling to you still
how i always will

black heart
how i wish you would burn
how i miss you in turn
how i want something more
like never before

and so..

i am thankful for this day,
for stars that never seem to fade away,
for dreams that last,
for love long past

i am thankful for me,
for who i aim to be,
that though my love fades,
my heart stays

with all my heart,

Thursday, April 29, 2010

i'd watch the stars die

if only you would...

i keep thinking about things today. oh, wait, that's every day. so,
more specifically, i've been contemplating my weaknesses and strengths.
where my life has meaning and where it falls apart.
the things that add a little burst of starshine to my day.

i have been writing these little poems on an avatar site that my random buddies on there read. which, to my surprise, they actually do. even better, i keep getting all this positive feedback on my poetry. though it's all done on the spot, i've been relatively happy with how each little piece has turned out, and others seem to enjoy it.
i like this spark of creativity in me. i'm challenging myself in this way, also, to have to come up with something on the spot with any actual merit.
and i've learned that i'm quite capable of doing so.
makes me feel a little warm and fuzz inside when people leave comments on my poetry.
i often don't get any on deviantart, mostly because i'm not that popular on deviantart. because deviantart is in many ways a popularity contest and honestly i've felt put down by it sometimes, but overall i still enjoy it.
i am thankful i can write like that, that i'm able to. and i'm thankful for the people who leave me those comments. it makes me smile.

as for weaknesses...
well, i'm really struggling here. with dieting. you wouldn't believe how hard it is to stay away from food i'm not supposed to eat when i'm on a medication that makes me hungry almost all the time. the only time i'm not hungry being when i'm stuffed.
i crack under pressure. almost every day.
where the heck did i find the willpower to do that fast?
that shouldve been harder. or you'd think it would be, maybe.
but when i'm actually eating, i have options, and i tend to be hungrier.
on the fast i just drank my apple juice when i got hungry and i was fine.
but now that i'm back to eating, it bothers me all the time.
i literally feel like 'll go crazy if i don't eat sometimes. that's fairly accurate. i get jittery and racing thoughts and stuff like that when the hunger is there. which tells me it's all in my head. and i'm sure it's the medication, but i can't do much about that. this is the third med i've tried and trying to find another would be too much. really.
i'm trying to figure out how well it's actually working.
like, i don't know if i'm still getting depressed too often, manic too often, even on this medication.
i'll have to ask my therapist about it.

i totally cave every time.
maybe if that stuff just wasn't in the house, but that can't happen.

anyone have any tips on what i could do to get myself to eat less?
and maybe how to fight sugar cravings rather than giving into them?
because i really don't know what to do.
something screams at me for sweet things until i give in and have a little bit of something like bread or oatmeal or juice. but then i tend to overdo it and eat too much of it because i keep feeling hungry.
i've been thinking of trying to drink water whenever i get hungry but i can't seem to get the method down correctly. maybe it actually is a good idea if i could only get it right.

i think that's really it. i gotta get working on my illustrations.
but first...a bike ride! since i missed out today going on the rail trail because my father didn't want to go.

all my love,

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

sometimes the weak become the strong

believe in me.

i love that song. Staind is amazing. just sayin'.

i can;t remember what i wanted to say. my father is talking on the phone and i can't think. he's too loud...

so i want believe i'm becoming stronger.
as a person.
i have changed and i am better about a lot of things, and i don't know.
it's tough when someone puts me down and it breaks me a little and i'm hurt because it's someone i care about. it's so tough, but i handled it well enough.
i got my feelings out and let it go and didn't press the matter.
i won't lie...i'm still a bit bothered.
but i'm not going to let it hang over me.

i'm going to be going to school for something i'm interested in that works for me, but otherwise i'm not really sure what i want.
what i want. who i want.
where do i want to be?
life is confusing.
i am thankful i have time to figure things out though. i am thankful i see that.
even if sometimes i feel like i'm running out of time.

it's all one big adventure. somehow. a journey.
i tend to life when i'm really living it.
that just isn;t how it is right now though.

all my love,

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

and no bird sang

my father sometimes....
he's the only thing in my life that triggers my suicidal thoughts.
i guess i'm just so fragile still.
but being yelled at a lot is hard on me. especially when the reasons are stupid or something like that.
he got mad because he thinks i lied about eating a cupcake i didn't eat. i mean...seriously? even if i had eaten it, i don't see the what the bid deal was, considering he shouldn't be eating them anyway since he's supposedly on a diet, or so he says, but he keeps eating things he's not supposed to.
i really shouldn't be eating them either, but i brought one home from church anyway.
so he found the wrapper to the one i had brought home in my trash because yes, he tends to go looking through my trash, which creeps me out and pisses me off in a way. so automatically he assumed i must have eaten on of his cupcakes because oh, that MUST be the ONLY explanation.
then he proceeded to be mad because my room isn't clean. and he wanted to vacuum.
and he was going in my room and moving stuff around and taking things and all this shit, and that's when i notice and
i'm very particular about people going through my stuff whenever they feel like it. it sets me off. it feels like a total invasion of privacy, and while i don't have anything i'm afraid he;ll find, it still bothers me so very much.
but it was him yelling at me, over and over.
he told me he was doing it so he could vacuum my room. and he got mad, yeah, but he didn't even think to do the more sensible thing and ask me first to pick things up myself. he never asks me about anything like that. he just marches in and does what ever he feels like.
he's such a control freak.
i can't even have my room how i want it, and i'm 20 years old. i can't have privacy. nothing.
he actually goes through the stuff of the other guy living here, too. and does the same thing. takes stuff.
whenever i start to say something back to him, trying to defend myself and fight back because i shouldn't have to take that crap anymore, he just says, "i'm not arguing with you."
really? oh. my. god.
every single time, he says that. every time. when he's the instigator and quite frankly i feel that i should be allowed to have my say.
but no.
because people are going to keep putting me down and i'm just not allowed to defend myself. ever. i'm supposed to be this little thing that just deals and does what she's told and gets hurt for it anyway. even for being good.

i'm so sick and tired of life being that way.
why me?
because i care too much that i don't really put up much of a fight.
because i'm so fragile. so fragile. it's easy.

when people yell at me, in that angry sort of way, i always crack. after everything i've been through i'm always half afraid my father will hit me, even though he never has, just because he has that same kind of voice as others have who have hit me before.
i'm still so fragile and i can't help it. and it breaks me down. i break under the stress of trying to handle getting yelled at like that.

i wanted to just run away this morning.
i've been taught that if there is something/someone in my life that is a trigger for my suicidal thoughts, that i should try to get away from whatever it is.
but of course, i am pretty much stuck here.
my only other option is a homeless shelter.
which this morning i was thinking about except for one thing: school.
i need to go to school and get on with my life.
and if i leave, that won't happen.
miserable situations.

i went out on a walk while i cried, and when i came back, my father acted as if nothing had happened.
but me, my day is pretty much ruined.
my spirit will remain low.
that's the way things work with me.

i'm too fragile.
that hasn't changed, even though so much about me has.

i guess i'll have to keep dealing with him though.
but i like him less and less as time goes on.
he's such a fake. and a liar. and i tend to despise people like that.

i'm thankful i have friends and family who aren't that way. i'm thankful i'm not that way.

all my love,

Sunday, April 25, 2010

good news, bad news

good day/bad day all in one.

i don't know what to say.
i'm depressed. somehow. some way.

oh, but i have a poem to post:

turn me away and
i'll dwell with the stars
i'll let the fire burn up my heart
let the flames flow through my veins
and spread my light through
the oceans of the sky

strike me down and
i'll stay with the earth
my bones will be as roots
bones that grow to new heights
and spread my branches out
in the forests of the wild

take your leave and
i'll go with the wind
i'll run fast along the equator
run where the clean air leads me
and spread over the lands
where i shall never find an end

learn to love me and
i'll come into you
i'll dance to your every song
dance until my time is gone
and fly with grace into
the beauty of your life

so yeah.
i am thankful for song and dance and praise. something to light up my day.
i am thankful for myself. i think. somehow.

it's hard to see the light tonight.
it's too dark.

all my love,

Saturday, April 24, 2010

better is one day

i gazed out the window of the car, at the water of the lake as we passed it by, in the dim, grey light of the night. i remember back in the days when i used to sit beside him in his car as the miles passed by, how i would gaze at the river, how in the evenings when the sun was down it was easy to imagine that the water was the sky. the reflection of the trees sretched out to become like pillars that held us up in this grey sky.
i remember the fear. he would get so angry sometimes. i remember the fear that one day we would really take the plunge off the edge of the road. i recall that sometimes the fear would freeze me in my place, and i would become unable to speak. and i could only pray in my heart that my fear would not be realized.
and sometimes we came close, too close for comfort, really.
and i only became more afraid. so afraid.
how we might dive into that grey sky, how we would sink, how we would fall, how we might drown.
i was so scared.

looking out on that lake tonight i remembered that old fear. and felt it creep into my veins for just a moment. felt it cover my skin and cloak me in darkness. felt it take over for just that one moment.

and then it was gone.


so tonight i got to dance and enjoy myself a little bit at the reception after the renewal of vows. it was all old music, but i can dance to anything. pretty much.
so i danced.
and felt a happy for a little bit.

but i just felt even more alone in that crowd of people. alone and out of place.
oh well.

i am thankful i'm not afraid to dance in front of people. i love dancing. i miss dancing with my friends.
i am thankful for music. once again. love of my life, in a sense.

all my love,

Friday, April 23, 2010

here i am, take me apart

take me apart.

i keep getting this feeling like i'm lost. like love is lost. love is gone.
away with the sun. far across the sky a star runs away and dies but i am nothing anymore.

dead butterflies.
i saw many yesterday.
i went to a little nature center that had them in little glass cases.
some of them were so shiny and colorful and magnificent.
just felt like mentioning that.

today was boring.
i did nothing of significance.

tomorrow i go to a vow renewal ceremony. woo.
see people i'm technically related to who i've either never met or only saw when i was so young i don't remember them now.
pretty much.

it's going to depress me.
the thought of a 60th wedding anniversary depresses me.
because i only ended up thinking of the absence of that kind of love in my life.
and it depresses me.
i'm getting depressed now by thinking about it.

so moving on...
well, i am thankful for music. music is love.
i am thankful that i sing. yes.
that is all.

all my love,

Thursday, April 22, 2010

taking steps back

i have to mention first that there are at least two friends of mine who are amazing, who i am so thankful for. really. one is a girl who is there for me and helps me out and makes me feel loved. the other is a boy whose ability to make me smile and cheer me up is quite inexplicable, but so awesome, and who also makes me feel loved.
they're both far away across the country but i cherish them like nothing else, other than the maybe certain people in my family who mean more to me than others for their love, support, and care.

that being said, i'm feeling much better. i got my tears out finally. there is this girl whose writing is just so spectacularly wonderfully amazing that it always warms my heart and wrenches my heart at the same time, and i actually love that feeling. and reading it sometimes helps my emotions somehow, and so i was able to let the tears go.
sometimes i just need to cry.

i was up late last night. well, until about 1:30am, which is pretty late for me considering i usually am in bed by 9 or 10 these days because of how tired i always am.
oh, but patrick didn't bother me in my dreams last night. i told him to leave me alone. and i just kept telling him that when he objected. and i guess it must have worked because he hasn't bothered me since.
he is still around, but isn't insisting on his usual disruption. thankfully.

so last night, i dreamed about being back in high school, and living with family, and just having fun with life. it was nice.
no haunts, no lover, nothing of the sort.
just pleasant times.

and well, i have nothing really going on today.
besides choir rehearsal.
but i feel rather tired so i'll take the time to rest.

all my love,

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

sometimes i feel my heart will overflow

hello, i've just got to let you know

if you know what song those lyrics are from, you're cool. i happen to like that song and was listening to it today, even though it strays a bit from what i generally listen to.

so anyway,
i'm feeling a little bit les..shall we say apathetic?
i don't know.
i'm so sorry if i sound like some heartless bitch who has nothing better to do than complain and hate on just about everything.
it's just how i feel right now.
i'm trying to be as honest as i can here.
and honestly, i feel like hating on things when the reality is that all i truthfully despise whatsoever is my own life.
now, i am taking action to improve upon things. but the fact is that i feel awful without a social life. and i fail at getting one back now that it is so much harder to obtain one. and i'll keep failing. and i'll keep hating it.
and i'll keep hating myself for being fat and not being able to do much about it because my food craving an lack of the right things to eat causes me to eat stuff i shouldn't and i can't do much about that since i don't have the money to buy more of the "right" foods. the hunger drives me crazy if i don't eat, so i can;t just avoid eating when i can't find anything i'm supposed to eat.
i am thankful that i am not super fat, that i maintain that much control over it, but still. ugh.

i need people back in my life. i need love back in my life. because right now, i'm sitting here on the verge of tears.
i'm sure i'll go to bed tonight and cry into my pillow and continue wishing that certain things had gone differently, and wishing i had more power to get things to go the way i'd like them to.

i like that i write this blog every day. it helps me collect my thoughts. organize things more. figure things out. and the like.

so..there's this guy named patrick. tall; short, black, somewhat spiky-looking hair; dark eyes. he's been bugging me for some time since i moved here. maybe haunting is a better word because patrick is some sort of spirit, ghost, or otherwise maybe not even really existent.
but he's there.
i think most of the people who read this blog are already aware that i see things like this. as to whether they are real or not, well, that is a matter of opinion and speculation and frankly, i'm either crazy or i'm crazy.
but now patrick has invaded my dreams.
and i don't think i like it.
patrick disturbs me.
and his lustful tendencies make me nervous.

here i've been having my typical dreams of being with a certain loved one, feeling wonderful, and patrick is taking this person's place.
he did so last night, and though i was able to dispel him from said dream, the fact that he managed to find his way there just really bothers me.
i really wish i could get him to go away.
but he won't.
he refuses to leave me alone.
i'm not sure what to do about it.

if anyone has any advice, other than to just ignore him because it never works that way, than feel free to share.
for now, i guess i'll deal with him.
i'll probably mention him to my therapist. i think that at least would be a start in the right direction.

what bothers me more anyway is how much i miss people. how alone i feel.
and maybe that's why i can;t get patrick to leave, now that i think of it.
because i feel so alone.
it's nice having someone around to talk to, to have the presence of another being with me.
he tries to be a friend, i think, though he annoys me.

but regardless, i do so miss people.
and my heart aches to see people.
that's why even a day of fanime would be such a dream come true because i would get to see so many of my dear friends there, even in just one day, that it would be spectacular.
seeing my family will be nice though, and i might get to see some of the friends that live somewhat close by, like my roseville buddies.

now i know i'm going to cry eventually tonight.

all my love,

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

dying to know you

life just loves to rip my heart out over and over disappoint me

you think i'd have learned better by now than to ever get my hopes up about anything i really want to happen. but i never learn. such is my way, my nature, as it were.
i can't help it.
i want that chance so much and it just doesn't want to happen. maybe i should've expected him to find an excuse all along. i don't know.
i'm wasting my time, most likely.
but i can't help that either.
i can try to fight this longing but it just won't go away for now.
probably not until i find someone better. or just someone, in general.
how the heck does one happen to meet new people?
seriously, i'm at a loss here.
in a way, he gives me something to believe in.
hey, i kn ow that;s totally pathetic. no need to remind me.

i fail at this whole thing, in some respects.
but i'm just who i am and nothing is really going to change.
i learn many things but i stay the same as far as the basics go.
i wonder if i'll ever be rally happy like that again.
it's hard to have any idea at this point.

i'll keep going.
i'll have to wait and see.
i wonder what will happen.

i am thankful family. they are cool. well, some of them in particular. others, well, i find things i like about them, too.
i am thankful for being able to express myself.
it's helpful, supposedly, maybe, quite possibly? so yeah.

all my love,

Monday, April 19, 2010


so my emotions are all over he place. still.
it bugs me like nothing else.
i can't seem to figure out the little things that seem to set me off.

today i am tired. so tired.
i threw up breakfast.
my father left me in the blazing heat of the car for half an hour while he spent time in a keyboard store because he felt like just looking around.

we came home and i ate some cereal only because i knew it would settle my stomach. i don't feel nauseous anymore, so i know that worked at least.

i'm going to meditation group today, even though i feel so drained.
it might put me in a better mood.

i'm getting really annoyed because my lips are constantly dry and i keep having to grab my softlips more than i think ought to be necessary.

i am thankful that the sun is out today though. and thankful that i didn't lose my temper with my father, even though i was sorely tempted to.

right now i'm just weak. in mind, body, and spirit.
so think what you will. i can only be what i am.

all my love,

so break my legs

note: this was typed last night. i warn you, however, that it shows a darker, more moody side of me.

i freaking hate the world, okay? just in general. not individuals.
though i must say id o loathe some certain individuals, but it's not like i'll name any names.
just a warning,
this is me getting anger out.
this is me being bitter.

it's fine, i hate myself most.
i'll never be happy with what i have, or i ever i am, that will quickly be taken away so that i am back to not being happy with what i have.
whatever love was really amazing...say goodbye.
whatever comfort was best...forget that, it's gone now.

i know i am too obsessed with my physical appearance. i can't help it. i am shallow for being so focused on my physical appearance, i know.
oh hey,
and i'm a person filled with envy.
overflowing, in fact.
because i'm too damn just below the line mediocre at whatever i do.
it pissed me off and tears me up inside because i can't seem to be great at anything.
i'm a terrible mess of attempts at talent and genius.
i can;t seem to settle for being just as good as i am.

people see my art and say how awesome amazing beautiful whatever it is, and all i can think is how i wish i were better, more talented, more capable.
i'm so messed up.
i am.
i keep trying to deny it.
i lie and say it's fine.
oh, everything is just great...
except i hate my life.
nothing is the way i want it.
i'm not who i want to be.
inside or out.
i can;t make up my mind.
i'm a total wreck and my only wondrous talent is for covering it up 99.9% of the time.
this is me being real.
the only time i actually like myself, except when i was with a certain individual who couldn't care less about me these days.
and i drown out in that kind of hurt. feeling lost and confused.
my heart is gone.
my life is pathetic.
i feel like waste, but not being around seems like a waste also.

so really, i'm at a loss here.
and if you actually got through to this point then i would like it if you told me what to do.
just tell me something.

i really do care about things.
i really don't understand myself.

and by the some point when i wasn't myself i bit my nails down again and ruined almost all of the progress i made with them.
i mean, really? screw that idea.
i will try again, though.
but i'm really disappointed now with myself.
angry at myself.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

crashing, falling, for always

he makes me smile
he makes me cry
he makes me feel like i could die

he makes me laugh
he make me fall
he makes out to nothing at all

he makes me crumble
he makes me break
he makes me fill up with so much heartache

he makes me suffer
he makes me free
he makes me who i don't want to be

he makes me bright
he makes me love
he makes me wish on the stars above

he makes me warm
he makes me glow
he makes me confused so i'll never know

he makes me win
he makes me lose
he makes me the one who has to choose

he makes me bitter
he makes me cold
he makes me wish i hadn't been so bold

he makes me love
he makes me hate
he makes me wonder how much more i can take

he makes me hurt
he makes me believe
he makes me think his heart i'll receive

oh, why do i let him
do all of these things
to me?

sky falls, you feel like

it's a beautiful day <3

so i had fantastic day today.

first i went to church, got to sing, got to say how glad i was to be able to be around for my father back in 2008 when he was going through the worst with lymphoma.

then we went out to lunch and went to a goodwill store in harrisburg where i found some neat stuff. i got a dress that i plan to wear to my grandmother's sister's wedding vow renewal ceremony thing this saturday. i also got some really comfy capris that i swear i'm going to wear like...all the freaking time now. so so so comfy wow! and i found an awesome t-shirt that has a picture from the original mario donkey kong video game. freaking awesome! i also had fun shopping because i had to search through all these bins to find the stuff, and found some weird random things that i tried on for the heck of it. best part: it was all only 75 cents a piece. yep.
thrift stores are amazing!

after that, we went on a mission in search of green tea icecream. well, sort of? we only went to one place. having internet on my phone came in super handy today because i got use of it in looking up a chinese grocery to go see if they had green tea icecream. big surprise: they didn't have it. so i opted for some cans of grass jelly drink and chrysanthemum tea that i'm quite fond of. mmmm...reminiscing over all the goodies i used to get in CA. that's the problem with york, and PA in general: not enough Asian stuff. and seeing as how i am an asian freak, it bugs the heck out of me sometimes.

i still need to find some green tea icecream though. seriously. i miss it. it's my favorite.
of course, when i go ask to CA next month, i can always convince someone to take me somewhere to get some green tea mochi. oh yes! i'll have to go to lollicup while i'm there, too.
so excited about that trip. wish so much i could go to Fanime, even for just a day, to see all my buddies, but that could never happen. oh, but i like to dream. haha.

i am a bit hyper. no doubt.
it's fun that way though.
happy mania is nice as long as i don't get to out of wack with it.
of course, you can just as well expect me to crash tomorrow and be totally bummed.

by the way, i feel so fat. oh. my. freaking. buddha.
seriously, though. i miss being a size six.
ah, yes, those were the days.
but i can get down to an 8 again at least.
i hope i can.

haha, and here i am talking of green tea icecream.
but i mean seriously.
right now i'm dieting, for the most part.
i had an itty bitty piece of chocolate today to get my craving under control, but other than that i at like i should.
and i've been eating healthy since the fast.
so we'll see how it goes.

i am thankful for this day.
and i am thankful for being able to enjoy myself.

you people are cool. yes, indeed.

all my love,

Saturday, April 17, 2010

these foolish games

still being a game freak today.

i dont have anything to say.

nothing new.

i'm a freak.
gleek, too.

i am thankful for games to help me pass the time. and i'm thankful for being able to keep myself occupied so i don't go crazy.

that is all.

all my love,

Friday, April 16, 2010

life is more than a game

i'm being obsessively gamer-ish today. must beat end boss! must beat end boss!
i've been trying to beat this thing for a few days now with no luck.
every time i get close, something goes wrong.
usually, whatever crew i'm in falls apart.
or one occasion, i got disconnected.
ah, such is life.


my fast is over!
i made it through and i ate only fruits and veggies like i was supposed to today. mostly veggies.
omg food OM NOM NOM.

it's nice to not be craving a bunch of sugar for once.
best to just avoid it for now.

so...i'm looking into getting more aid for school but it's kinda looking like i wont get it.
oh well.
loans for years and years and years then. yep.
not as bad as it wouldve been had i stayed at my previous school though.
but still. i'm not looking forward to it.

and since i'm boring i have nothing else to say.

i am thankful for having gotten through the cleanse.
and i'm thankful for the rain today.
so refreshing.

all my love,

Thursday, April 15, 2010

you never left home without your face


day 4 of this cleanse is at its close. i am thankful for that. it will be nice to start eating again. i am so thankful i found the will and strength and determination to do it.

i'm still sad.
amidst my lovely confusion.
oh, the days are so brilliant. indeed.
but i,
i am not the one that triumphs so, not the one that gallantly strides through dreams
and feeds on the eyes of little children.
no, not i.
i fear i am losing myself again.
i feel like i am floating away. floating, drifting, swimming through a river of stars.
oh, how dreadfully lovely.
river of stars.

i think i must be a bit light-headed.
but oh, how i do love the taste of the dramatic!
and oh, isn't life grand.
grandly miserable in its own right.
for i am most displeased with the direction in which the pieces of mine heart doth fall. oh, indeed, for it does not suit me at all.

and i seeketh he who would not have me. no, he would not.
unless some change doth occur. change indeed.
a trick. a trap.
and then shall he be back.
but until then,
my heart weeps for
it is not with me.

treacherous indeed, this heart.

in case i'm not making any sense to you,
i'm pretty much still stuck on "him."

still thinking, pondering, meandering, wandering, wondering...
about him.

plus i still keep thinking maybe i should give men a rest and find me a good woman.
you know?
but i get so shy around them i stumble over my words and can't think of what i might say to end up with a female for once.
oh, woe is me for that.
oh, oh.

i am doing well otherwise.
final preparations for school are being made.
all the financial stuff has to be worked out some more.
looking into another way for me to get some more aid.

i pray you all are well enough also.

all my love,

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

the spaces in between

we are two planets
far across this galaxy
we'll never be close
but we can be lovers

your arms are oceans
that stretch across your sky
that reach out for me
but never can touch

your heart is a fiery core
that threatens to burn me
tries to destroy me
with every breath you take

we are not meant to be
but i'll keep trying
i'll take these bird-wings and
fly as far as i can go

we are two planets
lost in space
but together we can be
together we can see

love for always.


you all know i love you.

i think it's amazing that anybody reads this at all, so it really means a lot to me.


i am feeling sad. i don't know.
somehow apologetic.
still afraid.
of him and
of my heart.
who are we anyway?
who is he and
who am i?

i need to stop having "great expectations."
i need to be able to settle.
for the mediocre. the mundane.

let us all just let go.
just be.

but i am sad.
and i know why, but i don't.
it's really all confusion with a bit of lies.
because maybe i'm lying to myself sometimes.
maybe he's lying to me.
maybe, maybe, maybe.

maybe nothing changes and everything changes and we are what we are, but we'll never want to be.

something to consider maybe?
i'd love to hear any thoughts on that.

all my love,

i am thankful for sorrow.
for it is something by which we also know joy.
i am thankful that i'm not afraid to cry, though sometimes the tears don't come when i wish they would.

when dreams take over

i feel asleep last night and didn't post here. say what??!


so yesterday went okay. i was more hungry yesterday, but then later on i felt strangely full. my brain yells at me to eat food though. all the freaking time.
ah, it is quite annoying, but i'm doing my best to ignore it.
so far i've managed.

and two days down, two to go.
woo. hoo. ah.

oh, i have so much paperwork to go through, between school and loans and medical stuff. slowly working my way through it.

i also need to start on illustrations for the book i'm doing, but i'm lacking inspiration. someone/something needs to inspire me! seriously!

i am thankful for finally being able to sleep yesterday, though at a time i didn't want to. i had been seriously falling behind on sleep and finally caught up a little.
i am thankful also that i have been ab;e to prove to myself that i can control my eating. it's hard, but it's worth it!

all my love,

Monday, April 12, 2010

on a bed of moonbeams and melancholy

he is everywhere.
my dreams, my thoughts, my heart...
and to be honest sometimes he scares me still.
the things he says to me.
even though he sends me messages, i can almost hear the bitter resentment in his voice.
i half want him back, and half am too afraid to go near him.
i'm one third crazy about him, one third just not into him anymore, and one third confused.

seriously though....
make it stop.
or fix it.
oh great divine mystical heavenly prophetic magical wonderful amazing..

anyhow, so today is day 1 of the cleanse. woo.
i am thankfully not suffering as of yet.
each time i gotreally hungry, i just drank some of my apple juice.
and no more hunger.
i am surprised that worked, but whatever.
and i'm drinking water out of a gallon jug.
but it tastes weird because it's distilled. ew.
and the saltwater flush made me want to vomit. it was so gross.
but other than that, it's been good.

i am not looking forward to the olive oil i have to drink on wednesday.
olive oil makes me gag usually. so i don't know how that'll work. but i has to somehow.

and once i'm done with the cleanse, i'll start dieting for sure. for real this time, for real. and try to get through the first two weeks without cheating at all.

i am thankful for a certain friend of mine. he has given me many good memories. which far outweigh the bad ones i also got from him. at least, that's how i feel when i think back. this is the same friend who i mentioned above.
i am also thankful for me. in general. yay me! ahaha.
i figure i should be thankful for myself sometimes.

all my love,

Sunday, April 11, 2010

words across the page

you are like a god to me.
i wake early to see your face leave my dreams.
my soul thirsts for you,
my flesh longs for you,
in this dry land where there is no water,
your love is better than life.
and so,
my lips sing of the light
that is you.


you are the storm, the tempest upon the ocean
great and mighty
o, how your winds blow against the air
fierce and relentless
you make the waves toss and turn
your sea is violent, raging on, never ceasing
tides crashing the shores

And the birds do not sing.

i am the little white boat, attempting to sail
pathetic and meek
o, how this breeze pushes me along
and i am pulled by your salt-brushed arms
you throw me all about
your sea covers every part of me without breaking
i crash into you

And my heart longs to sing.


teach me to sing.

to know love and peace and mercy
with arms like silk and stone, wrapping
me up, always too tightly
you're holding me and i can't breathe
i'm choking down words and ignoring
the burn of your matchstick fingertips
i let the ashes fall away and try not to
cry, my lips are bleeding in my attempt to
kiss you, while my ears listen only for
your bitter heart, beating into me, for

i'm losing air, each day goes by
and though i wait for its return it never comes.

the sun is setting in my sky, but
the stars refuse to appear; they will not
shine for me anymore, for
my soul is long lost,
my days are growing shorter,
i'm almost out of breath.

so please teach me to sing,
before i starve to death.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

still screaming

daffodil 001
Originally uploaded by RainwingSilver
just a pic showing my my painting in progress.
it happens to finished now.

i'm still screaming inside.
for escape.
to fly away.
the birds and bees agree,
i'm far too late.

in this world sorrow reigns.
like the storm of each day.
and i'm suffering.
striving, crying out
for you.

so now instead of biting my nails i just pick at them. they keep getting jagged though and it bugs me.

i have nothing much to say. that little poem there i just came up with on the spot. just trying to describe a feeling.

my puppy makes me sneeze. seriously. when i decide to hold him and all that i get the sniffles.
i keep wondering if i'm secreatly allergic to dogs because i used to sneeze a lot every time i came home from college to visit. and it was only in the house around the dog.
so maybe. i don't know.
it's weird.

i'm thankful for my father, for when he actually manages to help instead of just annoying me. of course i'm grateful simply for having somewhere to stay in the first place.
i'm also thankful for being able to deal better with my emotions, the ones that are extreme.
yesterday could've gone really bad if i hadn't done my best to calm down.

i like getting emotions out in painting. i like being colorful.
i like you. <3

and honestly, i think about him less now. worry less now about whether he'll accept me or not. just don't know what i'll do, but i can always think of something.

all my love,

Friday, April 9, 2010

passion of the storm brings sleep

it's safe to say i've calmed down from earlier.
i have yet to go through that blog though.

please don't think i'm super, super crazy.
i just like the number three.
and sometimes, well, sometimes i break down.

you all know i love you.

i am so thankful i didn't end up hurting myself in any way earlier.
i gave myself something to do and the mania eventually worked its way out.
and i'm so thankful for people who are willing to deal with me at times when i act kinda crazy or messed up.

so, today it was decided that i'll be going on a four day cleanse/fast.
after that, i'm going to start seriously dieting.
i hope i can stick to it.
i keep failing.
i really need to lose weight though, before i hit 200lbs.
believe it or not, i'm pretty darn close to that and i so don't want to get there.
i've been feeling like i ought to do a fast for a while, for whatever reason. it's like my body's trying to tell me something here.
my father and i are both doing the cleanse together.
so i have a partner in crime, ha ha.
but seriously, i'm doing it.

anyway, it's late enough that i have to stop here.
and i swear i'm not really all that crazy.

all my love,

i almost forgot to explain my title.
after this manic period, i am now quite exhausted.
at least i'll probably sleep better tonight, since recent nights i haven't been sleeping much.

when all i can say is NO

there is no coherent thought.
there is only chaos.
mania, mania, frickin' mania.
hate, hate, hate.
the whole entire frickin' world pisses me off.
so frickin' much.
so much.

i hate it. omfg seriously?
i hate it.
it, it, it.

i'm pulling at my hair, scratching my arms, throwing fists around like crazy.
i tried red marker so i wouldn't cut, but it didn't help.
i wanted to go on a walk, but i hurt my ankle yesterday.
so i can't walk without too much frickin' pain with it. ow. ow. ow.
oh, i didn't cut though.
i hate it.
mile a minute. mile a minute. mile a minute.
three by three by three.
like that?
i can think, but i can't. can and can't.
want to shut up. ow.

i go around stiffly, muttering "no no nO nO NO NO NO No No no no..."
no other words.
i hate this.
don't wanna be so fricked up. don't wanna be.
escape, escape. escape.

please, oh, please.
oh please, oh.

i hate myself.
i hate the world.
i hate everything.

in these moments, i want to scream.
i want to leap away.
into the sky.
fall into the sky.

if i could, if i could, if only...

i will say though, that i am thankful.
for my control, what there is of it.
and that this doesn't happen more often.

i don;t know how to make it go away.
i'm crying out.
Please, oh please.
i don't know.
i just don't know.

i hate it.
no, i don't hate you.
but i do.
that is the problem when i'm like this.
this is a state of only absolutes.
vicious and relentless.

i wanted to post a blog to come back to later to see what it's like when i'm like this. to show that this is a side of me. a darker side. a lost side.

merciless place. state of being.

typing helps keep me focused.
helps me relax a little.

i'm tired of thrashing about. i'm afraid i'll get hurt. can;t hurt myself now.
i'd call someone, but i think all i could manage with that is a mix of muttering and screaming, too fast to make sense.
don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings anyway.
plus, i'm afraid i'll throw m phone across the room and break it.
can't be trusted to hold anything like that right now.

blah blah blah my mind has escaped to various nooks and crannies.
it's like my mind was water in a glass, and someone dumped it out all over the floor. and now it's running even father, stretching out farther, drops separated. millions of drops.

and nothing really matters then.
how do you get all that water back into the cup?

haha. my cup runneth over. haha.
okay, not really funny.

anyway, that's it.

i'll leave off here.

and i swear, i don't really hate anything.
i've even calmed down a little bit.

all my love,

Thursday, April 8, 2010

that which became crooked

i miss my voice. i mean this in a literal sense.
my singing voice specifically, before braces.
getting braces changed my mouth significantly, especially since i had an expander in the top.
it's amazing how much of a difference it has made in my ability to sing well.
i just don't have quite the same quality i used to have with my voice before braces.

it's just one more thing i've lost.

my voice can still be pleasantly sweet and melodic though, don't get me wrong. there is still something left. but it's just barely there now.

ah, well, not like i really planned on doing anything more with it anyway.
it's funny though, all the people who told me i should audition for american idol or something because of the voice i had before.
i spent several years working on it, and then it all fell apart with braces.

and it's like "oh, yay, my teeth are straight, but now my voice isn't all that great."
i do like having straighter teeth though. that has to count for something.

i noticed that i half-lose my voice after singing, like after choir rehearsal and things like that. that's something i don't get either.

i don't really have anything else on my mind. besides a certain person.
oh, curse me for being such a lover.
i need to learn to fight more. against myself even.

i am thankful for small kindnesses. for me, and others i've noticed, it can really make a person's day sometimes, just doing something small for someone.
and i am thankful for my determination. a teacher of mine in college happened to notice that i can be a very determined individual.

so maybe i already am a fighter. strong or strong-willed. oh.

all my love,

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

can't seem to climb up for air

i had blue dreams today.

in a feverish state i drifted in and out of dreams this afternoon. this blue haze seemed to invade them and i felt like i was underwater. and i was in a church at one point. white church. it was rather flowy for a dream. i'm not used to that.

lately, i've been having nightmares. they wake me up over and over at night.
i'm afraid for i keep hearing noises outside my door.
my therapist tells me i just need to rationalize it. but even though i do, something keeps me frightened.

and it seems i'm still hurt by some things that have happened. i won't say what, but that certain things couldn't be understood and i felt abandoned at some point.

i am thankful for the warmth of today. it helped me sleep. even though supposedly cold is better for sleeping.
and i'm thankful for being able to push myself to accomplish things when i'm unmotivated.

it gets me through. i don't want to drown.

all my love,

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

in the summer heat

it is so god-awful hot right now. and it's only April! i mean, seriously wtf?
ugh. i've been sweating all day.

visited the farm today where my grandparents live and found out that out of 12 cats only 5 have survived the more recent sicknesses. kinda sad, but i'm glad Bella was one of them apparently. at first i couldn't find her, but i saw her in the field right before we left.

i finished my pretty, pretty picture today and i'm happy with how it turned out. used my prismacolors for this one. it's very spring appropriate, now that i think of it.
and i'm almost finished the painting i've been working on.
i've been going outside to paint lately because of the warm weather. the fresh air is nice for painting.

everyone around me is getting sick, but i'm just fine. which wows me because i ALWAYS get whatever is going around. course, i still could. but so far, no.

i am thankful for not being sick when so many others are because being sick makes me miserable.
i am thankful that i still manage even now not to bite my nails. they've peeled a bit, but are otherwise doing well.

the weather is nice, even if it's a little too hot.

all my love,

Sunday, April 4, 2010

hold my heart

it's easy to tell when i'm miserable, isn't it?

had to get a little complaining done myself.

so i'm sitting here and it's late.
i want to cry.
i'm listening to good music to soften the blows in my mind. my heart.
that is the best word in describing depression.

i reach out with eyes closed.
and full of faith.
full of dreams and impossibilities.
full of sorrows and broken promises.
useless wishes.
i reach out for something i cannot claim to know at all.
something i completely believe in.

i miss all the hugs i used to get in a day.
i miss love.
oh so much.
i await the day it will return to me in full.
and for now i'll cherish the love i do receive, even now.

as promised, more thankfulness.
i am thankful for people who take the time to listen. just listen.
i am thankful that i am one of those people.

keep watching the stars. i'll be up there someday.

all my love,

with our matchstick fingers and paper hearts

we could so easily burst into flames.

so i'm wondering: is it possible for sugar to cause depression? because i could almost swear it can. i had more sugar today than usual, and here i am feeling lowly. oh, so.

ah, what a trying day. we went to my aunt's mother's place for Easter dinner. it was nice to see some people today. not very eventful though. except i find it funny that i kept cracking up because they had, like, four different stuffed animals that sing a song and move or dance when you squeeze their hand or foot, and they were all on at once, and running into each other, and one was a donald duck bunny that freaked out if you picked it up by its ears, and oh, it just was so freaking funny. you just had to be there to see the humor though. like my run-on sentence though?

last night was kinda fun. the fire was awesome, but it was kinda crowded with children that aren't normally at the church, children who were quite rude, i must say. there i was, waiting in line, and this little boy, but not too little, just shoves right into me. i mean, really? he had to have been old enough to be better about that kind of thing. oh, well. children. and the parents who don't bother to keep better track of them.

i am so, so, so worn down. i am. i've been tired all day.
doesn't help that this morning my chest got all constricted, with a very sharp pain in my lungs, which caused me to have quite a bit of trouble breathing. and this all during church. i just kept praying i wouldn't pass out, and thank-whoever heard me- that i didn't. but it was so very painful i wanted to scream. i didn't do that either. nor did i cry.
ugh, i just have issues like that sometimes. issues that pop up, ones that doctor's can't figure out a reason for.

oh, yeah. did i ever mention that my father f***ing pisses me of with the way he complains about things sometimes. he wanted to freaking argue about the fact that my sister doesn't call him. oh, he kept saying how disappointed he was.
i kept wanted to yell at him that i got it the first time.
it's like "oh, me, i'm just oh, so, terribly disappointed, i'm just disappointed about this, i'm disappointed about it, blah bla blah..."
seriously sometimes i'm just thinking "STFU stop complaining!"
omfg. it makes me so mad. all the whining and complaining about how this and that isn't how he wants it and there's no good reason it shouldn't be. especially considering that he's rather lucky to be alive, considering. you'd figure he'd be more appreciative of what he has, but he isn't. but then, the hypocrite that he is, goes and talks on about how that's how people should be, and he tells people he's like that. liar, liar. oh, dear.
i just...don't have the sympathy for someone who acts like such a child most of the time. he needs to grow up.
trust me, i could rant and rant about my father and the things he does that either annoy me, inconvenience me, or anger me. but i'll stop here.

oh, but it's actually me who often says the things to him about being more thankful and accepting what you have and being more positive. those things he repeating to others as if it were he who follows such ways.
not saying i'm perfect at those things, but i genuinely believe in appreciating what i have going with the flow of life, and not constantly complaining about things.
of course, he gets it from his mother. and of course, he'll deny he's like his mother in that way.

anyway, moving on.
i want to give my thanks.
i am thankful for people out there who work hard to get to meals together when several family members come over. i understand what it can take to get all that together, and i really appreciate people for being that way.
and i am thankful for self-control, again today, because i was good and didn't stuff myself. i've learned from the past that i always feel so miserable when i do stuff myself and end up wishing i hadn't.

i'm probably going to start really dieting soon. i still have some Easter candy, but i'm already sick of it. i'll probably save most of it, and only eat it every so often.
but it's time. time to commit more to a better diet. i'll be seriously cutting back on sugars and carbs from now on. try to eat more veggies and protein. all of that.
now that Easter's over and done with.
hopefully my self-control will come through for me in this, too. my only problem is that i get irritated when i feel hungry, and my meds increase my appetite so that i feel hungry too much. it practically drives me crazy, no pun intended. but i gotta do it somehow.
i'm hoping the extra water intake will help that. i can try drinking water to make me feel full in the times when i'm not supposed to eat, but feel hungry.
i'll just have to wait, try it out, see how it works for me.

i hope Easter was pleasant for the rest of you.

all my love,

Saturday, April 3, 2010

night of fire

tonight we have the bonfire and Easter vigil up at the church. i'm looking forward to it. i love bonfires, well, fire in general. the only downside is that i can't dance around and chant like i love doing because i might give these Lutherans the wrong idea.

i have nothing to report today, other than that it has been two weeks now since i've bitten my nails. yay me!

i am thankful for fire, for it is so very enchanting. entrancing?
i am thankful for my self-control. i am getting better with it. in many ways.

so yeah. nothing else.
hope everyone has a little bit of Easter fun tomorrow.
i'll be visiting with some relatives.

all my love,

Friday, April 2, 2010

crying out in the darkness

i swear i almost cried at the end of the church service this evening. i happened to be so focused on it, and as the lights went out one by one, i felt that sorrow of death creeping in. finally all the lights were out to represent Jesus' death, and we sat there in darkness, and i felt like i might cry, thinking about it.

at the earlier service i took part in carrying a big wooden cross around. the weight made me think of the burden Jesus had to bear.

i must say i'm really curious about the bible because it's one of those things where i try to separate truth from fiction. where i find myself unable to believe everything. well, for one thing, i automatically think of evolution.
but i don't want to get into all that.
i'm not into debating religion, even with myself. i just don't see the point.

in other news, ha, i put myself into a sort of trance today.
trance-meditation-chakra energization-thing.
i was working on bring energy to my chakras and purifying them, so to speak. i find i am quite good at this at certain times and it is well worth the effort.
you all can think i'm a messed up, maybe, for what i see, but i'll mention bits of my experience here.
i visted this place i only know as the golden temple. there we are all disciples of nameless beings. i cannot say for sure if they are gods, spirits, what. but they are the teachers of the temple. they wear white and i am never able to look at their faces.
today, however, i made a discovery. the back wall in this temple is like a mirror, made of a fluid, silvery substance. one is able to pass through the mirror to the void of memories and truth.
there i danced, in a trance even within the boundaries of my own mind. i could see my reflection in the mirror, but it wasn't me as i am in this life.

in these times i feel like i'm reaching very deep into myself, tapping into rarely used resources. it is an interesting feeling. i always come out feeling very relaxed and my energy is always free-flowing but well-controlled.

it's like visiting my happy place, so to speak.
but the golden temple is special to me. it is a most sacred place of learning.
and safety and peace.

i am thankful for written letters. i just think writing letters to people and getting letters back is a cool thing. and highly underrated.
i am also think for my discipline in being able to focus and relax enough to meditate like i can. it's something that really helps me.

i'd love to here about any metaphysical or spiritual experiences anyone would like to share with me. if anyone is willing.

all my love,

Thursday, April 1, 2010

for i am just a fool

an April fool, that is. haha.

it's interesting what the different sites end up doing as an April Fool's joke. most of the sites i frequent had something going on.
as always, deviantart changed everyone's icons, this year playing with the famed Team Jacob, and Team Edward, and they added Team Seeker and Team Gaga in, ahaha. oh, what fun. though i was not at all pleased to be apart of Team Seeker.
they also changed our signatures. go figure. it was awful. and a little confusing to see so many of the same icons.

today was another sun-shining day.
i love being able to bike ride again, even though there aren't many places to go in my area. too, too many hills. way too many. but i go where i can.
i didn't get a chance to work on my painting today, so that'll have to wait. but i like how it's turning out so far, especially considering i'm painting something new over something previously unfinished. it looks pretty cool like that though. i worry somewhat that it will end up with too much yellow because my small tube of yellow pain burst open and i ended up using as much of it as i could yesterday so it wouldn't go to waste.
the painting has much farther to go though, or so it would seem.
it's so very colorful.
and i just love the way things flow out of me when i get into the right painting mood. it's a good release, as i think i mentioned before.

today i got really bored early on. i really don't like when i get that way because nothing seems appealing and so i don't enjoy anything and i end up getting anxious.
it was just one of those days for me.
anxiety, anxiety.

but it went away after the bike ride, which i easily could've guessed. the fresh air and sunshine and exercise always help me when i'm having my "mental issues."

oh, and i drank so much water today. over twice as much as i usually do. over a gallon of water. i don't know if that's a good thing or not, but i felt like drinking more water after talking with my mother about it yesterday. i feel it could help keep my appetite under control at least.

i am thankful for the sun. it does so much for everything. shiny, shiny.
and i am thankful for my passion for art. having such a passion has gotten me through so many rough times, and the good times as well. it keeps me flowing along.

all my love,