Sunday, October 31, 2010

of the many

in light of today's part of the tumblr challenge, which focused on regrets, here i will mention my three biggest regrets. i face the fact that everyone has regrets. and there is nothing we can do but to move forward, really, and not let our guilt over the past stop us.

1. That I didn't stop taking Lamictal sooner, back when I first noticed that something wasn't quite right. Before things got so much worse. Before it really messed up so many things. I voiced my concerns about it to my psychiatrist, but he waved them away, saying that it was a really safe medication and that I probably just needed a higher dose. I complained every time, but what I really wish I had firmly stated that I wouldn't take it anymore and requested a change. Because the doctor kept shooting my complaints down, I went with it. I felt defeated. And partially I was afraid that if even if I chose to taper off of the med and get completely off of it, without doctors orders, that I might get worse. And things being as bad as they were, i really didn't want them to get worse.
But after I got off the medication, much later, after a whole shitload of damage had been done, I immediately noticed an improvement in all things that were problematic while on the medication.

2. Putting on a mask of normality/calm and outright lying just to get out of the hospital sooner, both times that I ended up in a hospital for psychiatric purposes. Both times, once I was in, I ended up being more focused on getting out because of something family-related. So I went back to the mask I wear most of the time, acting like everything is fine, like nothing is so bad, like I'm not burning away inside. Because I have never been very revealing about the entire story of what goes on, nobody has figured out for sure what's going on with me. Right now, the diagnosis sits at Bipolar Type 2, borderline schizophrenia, and borderline personality disorder. You'd think I'd realize that if I end up in a hospital because of a suicide attempt that I should be focused on getting help for myself, but instead, I was worried I wouldn't get out in time last year for Thanksgiving so i could go be with my family, instead of them wondering what the heck was going on with me.
I am hoping that later on, when I get a job and can afford doctor visits again, that I can kind of start at the beginning and tell them everything I can to help them properly diagnose me.

3. Letting a guy named Kurt (who I knew from school) take advantage of me. I regret this because when I look back on it, it just seems stupid. So much, that it's the one thing I never really mentioned to anybody, except a few close friends. I felt embarrassed, stupid, pathetic because it happened. The guy in question was a short, skinny guy from my high school. I could have easily beaten him up. He didn't have any weapons or anything to threaten me with. I had a bike with me (aka an easy way out) and he didn't. But at the time, I was out riding my bike, trying to calm down, after having cut myself a lot and crying my eyes out. I was in such a fucked up state of mind that I freaked out and got scared, panicked and couldn't think straight. (If I had never stopped in the first place, it never would've happened. But for some reason, I did, and after that, it all went horribly wrong).
The next day was the day i called my mom and said I wanted to be admitted to the mental hospital.
(What really did me in, in this particular situation, was the fact that certain things trigger memories that in the past, like then, caused me to freeze up and not be smarter about the situation).

In all honesty, thse three things don't cross my mind a whole lot.
The first one does the most, only because it affected so many things in my life, and I tend to wonder how things could've gone differently had I chosen to stop taking the medication the first time I knew something was wrong.

Things like thse are lessons though. That is how i think of them.
Lessons on my failings, faults, flaws, etc.
My main focus on reviweing them is usually to come up with ways to not make the same mistakes, mainly by trying to be more confident and stron-willed as a person. t not let people keep me from speaking when I know in my heart that it's important for me to speak up about an issue.

All my love,

PS. May all of you, my friends/family, learn and improve yourselves due to your past regrets.

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