Thursday, April 28, 2011

dancing into insanity

i watched Black Swan yesterday.
i have to say...i really love this movie. but if you haven't seen it, be warned, it might mess with your head a little.

i'm always affected emotionally by movies i watch, books i read, etc. so this movie definitely got to me. but i love movies like that. the concepts involved, the view of ballet in such a was amazing.

in contrast, i am finally finishing up reading the first book in the Hitchhiker's Guide trilogy, this being my third attempt to read and actually finish it.

life is life. cake is cake. of which i have none.
but i do have Easter candy.

still looking for a job. i've even applied to openings for jobs not in my field at some of the pharmacy stores like CVS, but i'm not even having luck with that. I think my lack of experience is a problem, perhaps.

i can't seem to convince anyone to stay away from me. i can tell them i'm crazy, but what do they care? they don't believe i'm really crazy. yet.

i kind of wish i could be better at pushing people away when i feel like i need to. but i can't bring myself to say any harsh words. i'm always so honest with myself and my friends that when i calmly explain to them that i need space and don't want to be too close they don't take me seriously enough.
since i'm passive the only thing i think i might be able to do is ignore people for a while. i don't know.
everything is always so complicated when it comes to interactions with people.

i am hoping to find some inspiration soon to create some really awesome art again. i feel so close to something great...i just need to find it and capture it long enough to get it out on paper.

emotionally...i am...not really sure where i am. it's the same thing as it has been before. i am happy with my life but moment-to-moment i feel depressed and unmotivated. nothing seems fun anymore. i'm getting too cynical again.

there is but one brightly shining light in my life and i'm holding fast to it, but my spirit still feels too fleeting. i'll stay strong until my strength is all gone though.

all my love,

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

just call me naive

i honestly never thought about the fact that men around my parents' age would be attracted to me.

now that i look back on this, with what recently happened, that was kind of stupid of me.

i'm finding that being exceptionally attractive (at least according to all these other people) is troublesome. it's nice that all these people think i'm pretty. it makes me feel good about myself physically, but i'm tired of so many people coming after me for it. trying to make moves on me. and etc.

i get a lot of stares. i can be wearing sweatpants, hoodie, sneakers, no make-up...and still get lots of stares. my sister knows exactly what i'm talking about. i guess it's what happens, considering our mother is just so very pretty and biodad isn't exactly hideous (though my real father has him beat).

anyway, with such genetics at play, it's not really a surprise that me, as well as all three siblings, are particularly attractive people. and i know i'm not the only one getting frustrated about the whole deal, from what i've heard from a sister of mine. we've both had trouble trying to stay single when it seems like so many guys (and girls in some cases) all want a shot.

really though, it's a good thing. i've realized that being wanted by so many means that i can be picky and find someone really worth my while. which i honestly really believe i already have. i am very happy with who i am with. we've had trouble here and there, but i know for sure who i want to end up with and i feel really good about that.

in the meantime, however, i am stuck dealing with these people around me who can't seem to get it into their heads that i am not interested, no matter how clearly i state it.

i am handling it well enough though. staying out of trouble as best i can.

but i keep asking the same question: "Who are my real friends, then?"

all my love,

Thursday, April 14, 2011

in the whole scheme of things

i had such a wonderful trip down to NC. very, very wonderful. really brought back a lot of hope into my heart about my life. not everything goes according to plans but the end result is as desired.

i trip and fall into a ditch. i don't always trust the right people. bad things happen. really bad things. i'm pushing this little thing aside. my head is a bit fuzzy about the details anyway and i don't need the drama in pursuing the unlikely chance that the person in question is dealt with. so i'm dropping it and cutting him out. it's the best thing i can do.

i'm planning on applying to an opening at CVS. it's a regular 3rd shift position but it'll get me some income at least, which i desperately need as my biodad continues to skimp on buying adequate food at times. plus I can apply to a pharm tech position at the same time anyway, so...

there is so much going on. what. the. fuck.
tornadoes down in NC. lots of them. i was just down there, and the fact that my dearest friend ever was so close to being one of the many injured/dead from said tornadoes freaked me out quite a bit. one really strange panic attack either(i skipped all the hyperventilating and actually panicking and moved straight into feeling like i was dying) and then i'm sitting in my bed talking and thanking the powers that be that we are all still here together.

by the way, i came home and noticed that in the week i was gone my puppy gained weight. my good tweezers are missing. clothes hung haphazardly and inside-out in my closet(curse my being all ocd about it) and my bottle of agave nectar is also missing...and the tub the puppy stays in when everyone is away smelled like he peed a lot in it (like he was taken out often enough) and etc.
i wasn't really surprised by any of this though...just peeved as usual.

i like getting up in the mornings and easing into things. my biodad expects me to be waking up at 6am every morning and start working on things immediately for some reason. despite my continuous efforts to explain that i like to just chill in the mornings when i can and such, he continues to whine about me not doing anything in the morning. (well gee, i'm sorry i don't end up sleeping much at night and therefore spend a lot of time in the morning lying in bed trying to rest).

um...i have no idea. kind of pissed at some people right now. wishing i could just ignore them. stop caring. need to stay focused on my own goals. getting away and getting a life.

i'm only more sure about what i want now. which makes me feel quite good, actually.

all my love,

Monday, April 4, 2011

the one-winged angel, the fallen star

sometimes i'm too afraid to get close. sometimes i push people away.

this is my curse. and yet it's also my super power. i am an empath.
( i found this article about empaths: everything mentioned in this article pretty much applies to me and may help anyone trying to understand me.

the world is a confusing place. imagine if you could hear people's thoughts, but you heard them all at the same time. it would be overwhelming and difficult to make out anything you were hearing, wouldn't it?

well, this is sort of similar. but instead of hearing thoughts from everyone around me, i am feeling what they feel. it is a troublesome existence. and one that i feel like i am losing myself to, at times. i get so caught up in the emotions of others, it's difficult to recognize my own. and it hurts.

i have a yearning to understand people, to give a story to what i am feeling from others. so i listen. i listen to their stories.

i have heard so many things. so many secrets that i would never ever share. but they do not feel like burdens.

i love everyone. family. friends. enemies. strangers. EVERYONE.

i can't help it.

but the pain of the world is so strong.

(i just realized something. i can't believe the best reference to something that has occurred recently comes from Twilight, but whatever. A short explanation for those of you who have not read the book or seen the movie-Edward can hear everyone's thoughts. Then one day, Bella shows up. And for some reason, unlike everyone else, Edward cannot hear Bella's thoughts. On top of it, he is strangely very drawn to her. he gets both very frustrated and intrigued by this whole situation. I have recently had something similar occur. i have met someone whose feelings i cannot seem to feel, when everyone else's i still can. and i don't know what to do about it.)

anyway, back to what i was saying. more than anything, pain always shows through. i can tell when someone is hurting deep down, holding onto some dark secret that keeps bugging them because they have confessed it to nobody. i am usually the one to bring about that confession.

but everything is beautiful. people. animals. nature. the world.

it's sensitivity. i am so very sensitive to the world around me that i feel often like i am drowning in it.

i know this is where all my confusion comes from. why i am so unsure of my own feelings. i am drawing from the feelings of people around me so much i can barely recognize my own. it often leaves me feeling hollow. i feel like i have no room to feel on my own.

i have trouble at parties. too much noise. chaos. feelings everywhere. i am bombarded. it makes me feel really tired. dizzy. lost.

i am faced with a challenge here. choices. i have to take this journey to find my true self and my true feelings. it means giving myself a chance to be alone. but i am so very, very afraid of being alone.


all my love,