Friday, November 26, 2010

they came on the novemeber flower to eat our mashed potatoes and stuffing

obligatory turkey post. yes, i ate turkey yesterday.

one of my cousins is hilarious. there i was sitting at the table with my uncle, two cousins, and one other person, slightly thrown off by the fact that this is my father's side of the family and yet there were moments where i could swear i was back home in California or something. seriously. i'm not really sure, but one of my cousins was making comments about things(hilarious comments) that remind me of the types of things my brother says. it was cool. i was laughing so much i don't know how i managed to finish eating.

i love my grandfather. he makes me laugh. i know this is kinda not the nicest thing, but it's like this. my grandmother(his wife) is having all this trouble with her legs and back right now. more so than my grandfather, who is ten years older than her. my grandfather made a comment to me about how men marry younger women so that when they get older they have someone to take care of them, yet it didn't work out that way for him because his wife is worse off than him.
i admit it, i laughed. i thought it was funny. but i mean, if you knew them and the whole situation, you would probably laugh too.
ot's kinda crazy. he's turning 90 next year. it made me think about how if i ever get to that age if i'll be thinking "Wow, I can't believe I've actually lived this many years." seriously, it seems odd to me i think because i haven't even lived for 1/4 of the time he has. wow.

don't get me wrong, my grandmother has her good points too. and she has interesting stories of her own. talking to her yesterday made me think about how much technology has advanced in her lifetime. when she was younger, people didn't have tv's or phones. forget internet for a moment, and computers, and whatever else. the very things that make it possible for me to have this blog.
it's hard to imagine.
just like how my grandfather talked about mail being delivered/transported with horses and buggies. omg. dang.
by the time i came into this life, there was color tv and everyone has phones basically and cars and all that stuff. microwaves. whatever else.
technology is cool.

and one of my most favorite things: videogames
i miss them. my game cube and ds are still in california and chances are i won't be getting them back because my friend who has them said he would send them to me yet wants me to pay for it in advance and wont tell me how much it is going to cost. for all i know, by this point he has gotten rid of everything. oh well.

other things.
i told someone that i don't even consider dating a person unless they meet two requirements.
1. they must like anime
2. they have to be musical somehow

i'm half-serious about this. i have dated someone before who wasn't really interested in anime. it was really weird though. as for the music thing, well, music is basically my number one source of life next to breathing and blood. seriously. i couldn't survive without it, and i am crazy about it(me and music have been going steady for over 20 years) and i love to sing, dance, and play instruments and i seek that out in my mates. so it was only fitting that an ex of mine made the comment that if he and my other exes got together they could form a band. they'd basically be set. they'd have a guitar player, bassist, drummer, and cellist.

i like people who are creative and intelligent, not unlike myself.
it leads the way to really good conversations and a nice helping of self-expression.

but more than anything, i like honest people. people who tell the truth. people who show who they really are. people who share their feelings and thoughts and all that good stuff. yes.

which leads me to this.
awesome people.
guys who don't act like jerks.
people who just seem to get me.

there's a reason i've been in a much better mood lately.
with the same little detail that causes trouble.
all the really cool people live too far away from me to ever really get to see them.

never-the-less, happiness surprised me yet again.
i have the little voice reminding me of what happened back in august. telling me it's always never going to work. people lie. people hurt my feelings. people act like jerks. always eventually. or something to that effect.
the whole "why even bother? you know how this will end like every other relationship did" voice. i think we all have that voice too. the moment our very first relationship falls to pieces. that voice appears and never leaves us.

now me, i tend to ignore it. but as hurt as i was back in august, letting myself trust somebody for a second time because i really wanted it to work out, i'm almost afraid to ignore it. but at the same time, i know i'll never get anywhere if i'm too afraid to take anymore chances.

i will this happen however it will. i will follow my heart, but i will listen to my mind. to logic. to reason. i'll take risks but remain cautious.
or whatever.

i'm not jumping into anything. not this time. BUT,
i feel good about this. i have a really good feeling. okay, so maybe i had a pretty good feeling about the guy who threatened my life a couple of times, but whatever.
this feeling is better than that one. and i've learned from my mistakes, so i know what to do. i have a better idea now of when things just aren't going to work out, no matter how hard i try to make them work out.

i've been in my fair share of relationships, of all kinds and varying degrees/levels, and honestly, even with all the pain/humiliation/loss associated with pretty much every one of them, i still have learned so much. maybe more so about what works and what doesn't. especially what doesn't. and that's something i feel good about. i have experience. experience is good. even if it isn't happy.
my videogame loving mind likes to think of relationships as yet another way to gain experience points. +10 exp here. +40 exp there. and so on.
one of these days, i'll get really nerdy, try to assign exp points to all of the notable events/experiences i've had, and see what level i end up at.
and then there is this:

is it sad that the first thing i thought of when looking at this picture again was about exchange of value and that i think this would count as an implied contract( because i happen to be taking insurance procedures this term)?

anyway, the point is, i am happy. i'll leave it at that. yes, there is a person who has randomly crashed into my life and is a big part of why i am happier. but i promise you, i am being smarter about the situation this time. and i will continue to do so.

all my love,

No comments:

Post a Comment