Saturday, December 4, 2010

refuse to fall

yesterday, i was so stressed out. so close to completely breaking down and giving into the things i try not to do.


i refused to give in.

a friend offered me a cigarette because i came out of class so incredibly stressed out about the test i had just taken.
i have never smoked a cigarette ever in my entire life. never. but sometimes, i feel like it. i was so close to taking her up on that offer, but then i said no. why? i don't know. my thoughts immediately turned to a certain person who because of me is determined never to smoke another cigarette ever again. knowing that, how could i start?

so i refused. got more stressed out as the day wore on because my father does not react with sympathy but rather makes remarks that make me feel worse.
and when i asked him to please not turn on christmas music while we were in the car headed home he did anyway. i continued to ask him to turn it off and made it obvious that it bugged me and he just kept playing it.
and i sort of snapped. i don't remember the last time exactly i raised my voice like that, but i know last time it was directed at the same person, my father, since he always manages to set me off somehow, usually because he won't actually listen to what i'm saying.

i got home. i craved my old addiction so much. i was right there, sitting on my bed, the opportunity right in front of me to give in to that once more.

and i ran. i grabbed my coat and my phone and headphones and left the house. wanted to get as far away as possible from the possibility of doing something like that.

i walked and walked and walked. it was freezing outside. the sun was setting and i just kept walking further and further away from my house. i was afraid to go back.

all my fears of late crashed down on me and i fell to pieces and freaked out and didn't know what to do.

but a brave soul(i think he's brave for talking to me when i was like that) wouldn't leave me alone. i texted him. he texted me back. on and on. he wouldn't quit. wouldn't give up on me.

how many times before have i been in one of those moods where someone just walked out on me, or pushed me away and refused to listen, because they didn't feel like dealing with it?

so there i was, lost and confused and wondering who is this guy and why is he still talking to me.

i survived.


and the last night i actually slept really well.


all my love,

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