Sunday, February 28, 2010

a spot in the fog

i am shaken.

the fog is closing in. i am smothered, stranded in the smoky clouds that sink low and surround me. trying to see a way through to no avail.

i am alone.

frightened where i stand. the grey is all around and getting closer. haunting my every step, making me tremble with every motion.

i am lost.

there is no easy way out. there is no nearby salvation. there is no consolation. there is only hope.

And i hope.

all my love,

Saturday, February 27, 2010

misery business

oh, misery, keep me.

so...i don't know how long i cried yesterday. but, well, that's my life right now. but it was all bitter this time, without it's usual sweetness. i wish i could be happy like this, but i just don't see a way right now. all i can do is hope that things end up going my way. and maybe i'll feel better.

i know what makes me happy. it's having someone to shower with love and affection, who does the same for me in return. that's just how it is. that's just how i am. just who i am. my happiness is fueled by love, and therefore by other people.
people will often say that only i can make myself happy, and i can see what they mean, but when it comes to me, i'm really relying on others, or one other rather, to make me happy. the happiness does indeed come from within though.

it's al this waiting though. i keep waiting and waiting. well, it's only been 2 months but that seems like forever when you're waiting for someone to tell you if they still want you or not.

if only i could just talk to him, but he won't talk to me right now. well, i haven't tried calling, but i feel like that would be forcing him to speak, if he even would answer his phone, when he might be uncomfortable doing so.

oh, what a dilemma. what a strange and uncomfortable place i'm in.
still hoping i can manage to make things better. i do have faith in myself and really think i can be successful in school and get that all worked out.
yes indeed.

and for now, i'll swim through the ocean of sorrow at a steady pace.

all my love,

Friday, February 26, 2010

it's in the way my heart beats

i'm re-reading old emails
poetry from the past. and my heart beats a little faster
looking through drawings, old and new.
oh, how things have changed. and my heart beats a little faster
seeing his picture somewhere and my heart beats a little faster
seeing him in my dreams
feeling his touch once more and my heart beats a little faster
if only i could see
could see him again, and and my heart explodes

i wish you were here.
my heart is beating, but only for you.

all my love,

dreaming the lives of the mad

i was on the run. it was summer time wherever i was and i walked along a path of pebbles. i came to a place where i met up with a woman selling jewelry. i crouched down and sorted through pieces, finding ones i wanted and shoving them hastily into a small black backpack. the woman hovered above me, but did not bother me.

something went wrong. i walked over to the side and my body failed me, and as i crouched down again my body crumpled into a heap and suddenly the madness overcame me. i felt sinister and bloodthirsty as i started to stand up, intending to go after the woman. but moments after i stood up, i became dizzy and toppled over, momentarily passing out.
when i came to, the woman was gone, as well as others who had been in the area.

then i woke up.

i'm so curious about this dream.
i mean, it could just be the books i've been reading, since i've been making my way through the Cirque du Freak series, which is about vampires.

or it could be, that feeling, the madness of my soul.
i feel it there.
something waiting, something growing, something surrounded by darkness.
something filled with rage and terror. something hungry.
with a bitter heart.

another side of me maybe. it's hard to say. i'm losing track of them.

but the feeling is kind of exciting, right? i was feeling liked i'd lost my mind, i was feeling like nothing made sense, i was feeling like...going on a killing spree.
i wonder if this makes me crazy, for even enjoying that kind of emotion.
but i tend to like exploring the vast range of emotions, feelings, tastes, that are possible.

i admit that i relished the idea, and feeling that way. it was wonderful. it was magnificent. in a strange, outlandish, mysterious sort of way.

oh, to explore the minds of the mad. lovely.

all my love,

Thursday, February 25, 2010

what is real

so i started this blog in place of a diary, by the way. i think it's just easier and i'm saving paper. plus, i guess i really don't care if people see me for who i really am.

i think there should be more of that in the world. more honesty of self, i mean.
we are constantly hiding who we really are from everyone around us. we act the way we are expected to instead, whether it be to impress someone, to keep people away, or whatever. and being real means being vulnerable because you can't know for sure what someone is going to think of you, and what if one little thing keeps them from liking you, right? well, dang, you sure wouldn't want that.

so let's just hide away.

that's what draws me to love so much. well, one thing that does anyway. with people who love you, some of that worry fades away. you feel safer with loved ones and so you can let some walls fall without being afraid of the consequences.

and frankly, i feel like an idiot these days for one certain thing. i had finally found someone who completely, totally accepted me for who i am and who i was. and that person loved me. and i loved them. but things happen, you know? stupid things. scary things, even. and i eventually let it get to me.
and so, i let that person go.
and now i'm afraid i won't ever get them back,
and i wonder what i will do if that is really how it will be.
what will i do if i can't get this person back?

i just don't know.

i'm still waiting to find out how things will go.

in the meantime, i have a life to work on. pathetic as i might feel at times, i am able to stay focused on what i need to do.

i guess that counts for something.

all my love,

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

night sky shines bright

i wish i could get a good picture of the sky right now. at least the one side where it's shining a like pale silver and seems to be alive. it's beautiful like that, with the clouds smothering the sky, a light drizzle dusting the earth, though the stars are so lost, and that makes me a little sad. i like being able to see the stars. i don't feel so lonely as long as i can see them.

so today, things just got more complicated and difficult. with school, that is. i got a call today from a different school from the one i've been seriously considering. at first, i was just going to say i wasn't interested, but something told me, whatever it was, that i should actually go ahead and talk and learn more about this school. so i did, and now i'm actually considering doing the program with them instead.
the program at this school is cheaper. the program has the potential to take less time and is more flexible. the program would most likely be more convenient for me.
but i'm incredibly hesitant. there's one big issue: it's an online program.
i don't know if it's right for me. i think mostly i'm worried about actually being able to do it successfully.
motivation to go through the courses? no problem. i have plenty.
but the planning? deciding when i'm ready to take my quizzes and final? effectively learning the material through the online process? that's what gets me.

who knew figuring out what to do for school could be so strenuous?

well, okay...i kinda figured this might happen. i'm seriously considering doing the online program at this time. but i don't know. i must seriously debate this with myself, get some insight from others, and hope i make the right choice.
for me.

but i'll be going to school. somehow. someway. and with that i can look up and breathe hope. with the hint of a real smile.

all my love,

Monday, February 22, 2010

days go by

and still i think of you.
days when i couldn't live my life without you.

i really like the lyrics to that song: Days Go By by Dirty Vegas. Never liked the version of it i always heard, but the acoustic version is just wonderful.

so i can't figure out what to do with my hair. it's practically driving me crazy. i had a cut in mind, but then i was stupid and decided to cut off 5 inches and now that cut wont work. plus my bangs are still too freaking short. i was thinking of getting it cut short and layered and dying it out to a light blonde, but now i've totally changed my mind. now i'm thinking of just getting it layered a lot and dying it cherry red. i'll probably have to bleach it out first, but yeah. i think i like this idea better. i'll have to think on it more, but i did find a picture. i want to get my hair cut soon though because it's so uneven that it's really bugging me.

i'm a failure. did i ever mention that?
i have all these goals that i can't seem to manage. i need to find a way to stop biting my nails. but let's look at this logically, okay? i've been biting them since 4th grade. since i was nine. that means i've been doing this for over 11 years. so what i do? well, i have no idea. my best chance is gloves, but they always get in the way. i'll probably get some anyway. i'll have to see if i can just manage to wear them enough.
as for my weight...just ugh. idk. i gain weight too easily now. i'm not super fat or anything, but i'm definitely uncomfortable. and i swear, i have pretty much zero willpower when it comes to not eating what i shouldn't.
i have to try. try. try. and succeed. oh, if only. it's tough, though.

and who knew i'd even fail with raising a puppy? okay, maybe not totally fail. but i swear, what the heck is up with this dog? maybe it just usually takes longer to train a dog, but i still can't seem to get it right so that i don't end up having to clean up after him so much. today was especially gruesome. ah well.

i'm trying.
i keep failing.

here's hoping this time i can win. at something.
may the gods help me.

all my love,

Sunday, February 21, 2010


so i guess how i feel right now is hopeless.
i was out walking along the side of the road with music in my ears, feeling swallowed by misery somehow.

is it strange while i walked i thought about how i could just step out into the middle of the road and test fate? is it strange that i often look at things in that way, how i often think of ways to end it? it's not that i would ever do any of those things. i just seem to have this fixation with contemplation. especially contemplating death.
should i be more focused on life?

so i feel hopeless. i get this feeling that nothing will change.
i get this feeling that i can't ever get the one thing i want now. all because i gave it up out of fear for my own safety, my own life. all because i wasn't strong enough..

i don't know. will it be enough to do what i plan to? what if i can't obtain this one thing, the most important thing?

will it be enough for me? will i be able to go on?

it's hard to tell.

and being sad is just so beautiful. tears fall and it's like rain in the storm, with the wind so cold, whipping my hair into my eyes, and the clouds suffocate the sky, and they are the color of bruises, which is even better because pain is so beautiful.
and i thought just now about how sadness is so beautiful, and that sometimes i like that i'm sad because i feel beautiful. but it got me thinking about how happiness can be so very beautiful too. i know those moments when i have been truly happy i've felt the beauty all around me, so much more mystical and wonderful because of how rare and new the feelings were.

it's like the beauty of the sky, of the oceans, of life, weighed against the beauty of seeing what is really there, what is really within the depths of the ocean, what is far out into the sky, the stars in space, planets and galaxies.

it is the beauty of what life can really be. and because it is less experienced, in my case anyway, it is that much more beautiful.

the great facade

it is impossible, i have found, to change the fact that i hide how i really feel in front of the majority. but honestly, how can i be honest about my feelings of despair without having to explain, without people bugging me about it, without unnecessary concern?
it just doesn't work that way.

and i'm sad for most of the time, almost all the time, almost every day. but i mean, i'm not going to express that openly whenever i'm feeling that way because i too often feel that way.

and i never want people to worry. it's not like my life is threatened here. well at least, usually it isn't.

my heart aches right now. i'm still waiting on answers i've already waited months for.
waiting shouldn't hurt so much. but it does. it really does.

what's worse is that i miss a lot of people. i lack any genuine friends that actually live close by, people to find more light-hearted times with. i need more fun in my life. definitely.

i will have to patiently wait and work through to the time when i can go back to friends and love. for now, i have a lot of work ahead of me. school mostly. 8 months of school, a big test, work and saving money until i can return. at least a whole year, but probably a little longer.

that's that for now.

all my love,


we will be one.

we will be one.

our arms will stretch forward, trembling fingers striving to intertwine. we'll gently reach out and take hold, and hand in hand, softly swaying with the breeze, we will refuse to let go.
and we will be to branches frown from the same oak tree, twisted and tangled around each other, unable to be parted. no storm, however violent, however dark, will separate us, no bolt of lightning, burning in the air, shall strike one down, without the other going along.

our hearts we will string together, carefully stitching them up, making them into one wonderfully flawed, but lovely, piece, one huge heart set within the world. our heart will beat a delicate rhythm, to the a peaceful hymn, to the songs we long to sing. it will stand strong and keep us following, side by side, step by step in sync, beat by beat the same.
and we will be an ocean, vast and unparalleled, undaunted, facing the sun without fear. we will not falter. with our tides we will cover(conquer) the world, we will touch the sand and curl it beneath us, we will leap forth to the sky, we will be blue and beautiful and people will stnd in awe when they see us.

our eyes will always see each other, we will watch each day, we will never look away. together, we will witness all the world has to offer.
and we will not be afraid. we will be together. always.

we will be one.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

i just want you to know

I want you to know
That I’m not letting go
Not once, not ever, no

My fingers are curved carefully around you heart
Gentle, so there is no pain
Strong, so I won’t lose
I refuse to lose

I want you know
That I didn’t let go
Not once, not ever, no

My heart has been yours all this time
Silently, so you wouldn’t guess
Softly, so I could rest
I need to rest

Thursday, February 18, 2010

some promises are made to be broken

I used to show so much promise. So much brilliance and genius. So much potential. I often find myself wondering why I lost so much of that. How did it happen? But honestly, deep down, I know exactly why the gifted child I once was deteriorated over the years. All the demons that sprang up come mostly from one source, and behind it all is one person.
But this person I can only forgive. I cannot hate this person. I cannot direct any negativity at such a person. All I have is my pain. And my loss.
And besides, I do not wish to dwell on such things. That would only make it worse.
So I’m moving on, taking what I have left and working with it.

There is more to it anyway. I have memory trouble now, and have ever since taking the drug lamictal. I had hoped that when I stopped taking lamictal that little problem might start to repair itself. And it has, but only in the slightest measure. It makes me nervous about going to school. I know nothing of how much I need to study, to work at things.
It will be a struggle, but I still have my determination. I still have my heart…right?

My creativity has suffered as well. I find myself without the imagination and desire for the arts as I possessed not too long ago. Then again, it is a struggle to convince myself to do anything these days. I keep wondering if it’s depression, but then, am I in a near-constant state of depression? I’m really not sure.

I come here, finding myself as only a bittersweet taste of what I used to be. Life is life, though. The best I can do is make the most of what I still have.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

the peace that comes

peace in the snow
Originally uploaded by RainwingSilver
So i did it. i went out into the snow and let the bliss of being frozen in a lovely white bed overtake me as I rested my heart and soul in the chill of the afternoon. I spent several minutes digging out an area to lie in.
The cold seeped in through my clothes as they slowly got soaked while I tumbled around a bit before sitting back to take in the pleasant peace that snow always seems to bring.
It was wonderful.
I came back inside feeling refreshed and finally rid of that anxiousness that had been bugging me before.

it came back.
as i sat in bed reading I noticed the return of the feeling as if something were crawling in my skin, making me want to beg some unknown god for mercy. That feeling is so terrible. I was getting really shaky and worried I would seize up, and for a moment my leg shook violently, but that quickly subsided.
I chose to continue reading in the hopes that it would take my mind elsewhere and i would eventually relax, which i did, thankfully.
These feeling are something I can't explain. I don't know where they come from. But I do know how to deal with them.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Times like these when i can't b r e a t h e

my heart races. it's a tough feeling to capture with words, but i can certainly try.
little flutters course through my body, urging me to thrash, to twitch, to dance a dance of unease and distress, to run-don't-you-dare-just-walk, to spread my arms wide and fly away.
it's a troubling feeling, and i've never discerned quite where it comes from, or how, or why, or what of anything triggers it. all i know is that such a sensation gives me a dose of intsant-anic. 1, 2, 3, and I'm swept off my feet, suffocating, drowning, senses going haywire as though i'm fighting against a current, struggling to push something heavy off of my fragile being.
it's always hopeless though to really do anything about it.
i'm overheated though.
i think i'll go out and leap out into the snow in one brilliant moment of freedom.
it's that impulse that often destroys me if i falter and let myself be tempted into darker things. but today, let their only be the lovely release without any danger, without any trouble, without any regret.
just let me b r e a t h e.


My name is Heather and I'm wandering down my path in life, often getting lost and confused along the way, but I keep moving forward never-the-less, trying to hold my head high and smile. I love to explore the workings of human nature and the beauty without and within.
This is my blog about any little thing I might wish to mention. Bear with me, and I'll love you.