Friday, February 25, 2011

I just want to be beautiful.

Not beautiful like a model in a magazine, or beautiful like a Monet painting. Not beautiful like a star in the sky or beautiful like a field of flowers. Not beautiful like a love song or beautiful like an angel.

I want to be beautiful like when you’re sad and it’s pouring rain outside your window, when you look out at that rain, and somehow everything, just for a moment, feels okay again.

That’s the kind of beautiful I want to be.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

stand still

so basically i haven't really blogged lately because frankly i have nothing to say.

i am actually a really lame person unless you really understand what's going through my head at all, even for a moment.

just picked up an application for an individual pharmacy. maybe the fact that i've gone through school now will help. don't really like the fact that they use a generic application. you'd think they could take the time to at least add the name of their business at the top or something. in fact, they should hire me and I could make it all spiffy for them (i definitely know how after taking that computer class last term).

i've applied to every walgreens and cvs and whatever else basically that's close enough for me to walk to or take the bus to. unfortunately, the bus system is kinda screwy around here so i'm trying to stick to the simpler parts of it.

i'm trying to keep up with some individual studying before time comes to take the certification exam. i'm fairly confident i'll pass it though, considering i did as well as i did on the practice test.

i have a lot of things i have to keep track of. have to go talk to financial aid at my school about loans because honestly i still don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do with them. and all they did was sent me some thing to read that supposedly counts as "exit counseling" which is total bs if you ask me. i'm setting up an appointment to actually talk to them about it. i'm not signing some paper saying i read some little pamphlet they sent for it to count. no.

been drawing. still don't have a tablet. right now would be a nice time to get one though since i have some free time. oh well. it may never happened, since the person who promised to get me one promised to get me one over a year ago and continues to spend large amounts of money on other things (even though he complains he's having money issues and needs to try to get the electric bill lower)

but i digress. okay, maybe not. (i just felt like saying that).

i am quite happy with myself. i'm really coming into my own, really figuring out who i am. i have a fairly good idea of what i want in life, and am taking the needed steps towards what i want.

i am listening to my heart and my mind at the same time. i am doing what i want, though carefully, yet still taking chances.

it's a good feeling.

all my love,

Thursday, February 17, 2011

somewhere i belong

it would seem that my life may be changing in a big(ish?) sort of way in the near(ish) future.

no, i won't answer any questions how or why or what exactly yet, but i will keep people informed and explain once i know for sure and have a better idea when and such, and i am hoping that any people with concern who i shall be informing will accept the fact that i can make my own choices and i take responsibility for them and whatever happens i will do what i think will make me happiest and i hope that is enough for other people who care about me.

it's stressful enough that i'm worried about people's reactions, but would be so much worse if i am hit with a barrage of questions and comments making it seem like i'm making a huge mistake or being stupid/naive/etc because i kind of expect that stuff but i also expect there to be understanding in what will happen because it isn't like other people not directly involved in the situation will really be able to change my mind.

i know it's probably not the best to say this right now, but i wanted to just say that my life IS going to be changing fairly soon but for me it will be a happy change and i hope other people can just be supportive of my choices.

i need a little bit more info and such before actually telling anyone, but i will be sure to inform people when i know enough. you will be informed probably more directly through email or something before i say anything here.

all my love,

all my love,

it's all a trick?

dear whoever/whatever/thingy that may or may not have control over everyone and everything,

can you please make it so i at least don't see ghosts anymore?

okay thanks.


PS. i think i believe in you or something or whatever and i'm trying to be better but you know as well as i do that i might never be sure

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

# 1 DAD

I'm starting this off with my fb post from the other day:

I feel blessed to have such an amazing father in my life. His name is Jeff. he came into my life just days before I turned 13, but ever since has done the best he could to take care of me and help me to grow and live my own life. It is wonderful to have someone in my life that i can truly look up to as a father, someone who always shows love and support for me.

So yes. This gets to be my blog post about my realtionship with my father, my real father, not that other guy who, as far as i'm concerned at this point, is nothing more than a sperm donor. (I'm done trying to hold onto to some naive belief that he is actually someone better than he is).

So in this particular post, i will be referring to jeff as my father, and the other guy is biodad (that's what i call him in my mind these days).

My father.
The years I spent with him were usually not all happy and fun and enjoyable.
My particular past up until that point was so clogged up with traumatic experiences and hurt feelings and confusion that it would've been a struggle for anyone to try and figure out what to do about me by that point.

We moved away from Maryland to California. Suffice it to say, I was very pissed off about being forced to move for the third time in my life. I felt like I was finally gaining sifficent closeness with certain friends at the time and things looked like they might pick up and get awesome.
That being said, I was pretty much determined to dislike anything and anyone related to the situation.

In retrospect, I am certain I was much better off moving away. The five years i spent in Maryland, without a doubt, were the most traumatic years of my life. There are things I may never really end up blogging in those years, out of respect for the other people involved mostly.

But here I was, despite my objections, out in California. It might as well be a different country. There is so much difference between the coasts that it's ridiculous sometimes. I felt like a foreigner. i really did.

Anyway, this post isn't abou that. This post is about my wonderful father.

I have to point out some things that only recently have I fully come to understand, no matter how long they were told to me. That my father has struggled with trying to understand me even a little bit over the years, but he has tried so hard and cares so much.

In my opinion, he was never really obligated to try at all to understand me or like or get me to like him. And a lot of times we butted heads, as they say. There are certain things that put us on opposite ends of the spectrum of human personality.
There are still certain comments he makes to me that irritate me, but I look at it now with the knowledge that really he is always just trying to help, in the best way he knows how.

He really had aided me a lot. And I have always really appreciated it, and maybe sometimes he thought I wasn't trying my best, even though I almost always was, but that's okay. How does anyone but me really know how hard I am trying to succeed with things? I am the only who never knows completely everything that is going on with me at a particular time. So i don't blame him at all for ever thinking I wasn't really trying hard enough.

And i really just appreciate that he helped me at all.

It's obvious he cares. I can tell that for sure by the fact that he has tried so much to be a good father to me. He tried his best and did what he thought was best to be the best father he could for me, despite how much a challenge it has been. It sounds like I must've been the most difficult, partially due to my age. My sisters were both still young enough to get used to the idea of a new father, or at least to be more accepting of the change. My brother was so old he didn't stick around long enough for Jeff to really make any impact anyway. It was me, old enough to understand, but still years away from being out on my own. even without all the demons I faced within, it would've been a struggle.

But he did is best. and really, isn't that the most we can really expect from our parents? That they tried there best, did what they thought was best according to the extent of their knowledge and experience?

Well, that, and love and care for their children. And never cross the line and really hurt them in any way.

The only thing I ever really felt was lacking was the idea that he was ever proud of me when i did succeed, when i figured things out, when i slowly made improvements and began to grow and better myself. I think now I get that a lot more from him.

Because that's all i ever really wanted from any of my parents:
I wanted them to treat me right and I wanted them to be proud of me and who I am, even if i don't exactly live up to their expectations.

I still have a long way to go before having a life of my own, a happy life and a decent job and all that. But I feel blessed to have a father who supports me no matter what.

My father is the best I could have ever hoped for.

All my love,

fantasies and realities collide

it's like falling asleep talking on the phone to someone, only to dream that you are still awake talking on the phone to them, only to wake up and realize that you are, in fact, still holding the phone up to your ear, but there is no longer anyone on the other end.

yes, i keep falling asleep on the phone. but i swear, i'll be wide awake and then the next thing i know, i'm waking up again, realizing i just passed out cold yet again. (this never happened to me before when i wished it could).

in this day and age, information is not passed along by word of mouth, where storytellers spin wondrous tales of epic proportions, but rather cold, emotionless text to be viewed on computer screens.

our prince, the hero of this tale, does not hear of the lonely, suffering princess from the gentle folk of nearby villages. he does not hear it from an old, travelling, retired sorceror. no.

our princess is a poet, an artist,

a blog writer.

she spends her days locked away in the tower of this dark, cold castle, blogging and submitting tragic poetry, pleas that someone would rescue her.

It will be a modern-day fairytale. Instead of a white knight riding in a horse to save the princess locked away in the tower by her evil father, it will be the unlikely hero who comes along in a van to take the princess away, the princess being the one who stands up to the evil father and escapes his grips. Don't know how the story ends yet, but it's likely they will live happily ever after.

but then, there is reality.

reality dictates that there be something to counteract this happy occasion.

the princess has fallen ill. and for days she goes on, trapped in a world of constant pain and exhaustion. and her lovely prince is forced to watch as his one true love wastes away in his arms.

shall the princess be doomed to suffer forever?

(i'll let you know if anything ever changes).