Wednesday, September 29, 2010

can't make myself believe

so i wrote a letter to my pastor. explaining pretty much everything. my beliefs, my attempts to change them, the reason i went to church anyway, etc. i felt like it would work better and i could get out everything i felt like i need to say without him interrupting me, since every time i tried to explain something when we talked face to face he just started talking about something and made me feel like i couldn't really say anything.

it has been troubling a times, the fact that i am not, never was, and probably never will be Christian. there were several times where it seemed like it would be so much easier to be one. maybe i'd fit in a little more, be accepted, make certain people happier that exxpected me to be one, etc.
it's like even though people say that they accept me for my own beliefs, there is an automatic distance formed as soon as someone learns i'm not Christian.
we tell ourselves that we aren't prejudiced, but we can't completely hide it if we are. i get that a lot from Christians, for some reason. it never seems to be from Jewish people or Wiccans or Buddhists or anything. it's always Christians.

i'm incredibly curious as to why it tends to be that way.

i don't want to say that there is anything wrong with being Christian because i honestly don't believe that or i wouldn't have tried to be one myself. it just seems that there is so much corruption in it, and there's so much pressure coming from so many of these people that it really bothers me sometimes.

i think it's really great that someone people can be so incredibly full of faith and full of love for their god. what i don't like is when i'm expected to follow along. especially when they want you to believe every single thing that they do.

i don't know, really. but i'm starting to see that it seems to be acceptable to mention "God" or "Jesus" in public, but mention anything else and people decide they don't like you, or they give you some odd look.
does it really have to be wrong for me to openly express beliefs even though people thinks it's perfectly acceptable for Christians to express theirs?

food for though, perhaps. i'd love to hear some other opinions here.

Monday, September 27, 2010

before i fall apart

sometimes i could swear my heart feels like it might explode...or something. in this case, i'm actually referring to the organ itself. i got really scared about 15 minutes ago because i started getting really shaky and my heart was racing and i couldn't breathe right. freaking annoying. i don't know why.

i was so focused on reorganizing and setting up stuff in my room (i just got a bunch of new furniture for it) and it happened. i was chilling and moving stuff and listening to music and wham. so i'm not really sure what that was.
i happened to be at a good stopping point anyway so i decided i should try to relax and let my body calm down. good thing it worked. i'm okay now, except that my chest feel kinda compressed in such a way that i'm having breathing trouble, but at least i seem to be breathing more normally.

i finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows last night. i'm majorly excited about the movie, even more so because i saw the most recent trailer for it. it showed the seven potters and the Dumbledore ghost/dust thing and stuff.

*spoiler alert*

i totally forgot that Lupin and Tonks died. I have no idea why. And then I thought about the fact that Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs all died. Dang. Plus, well, Lily and Snape. Which makes us think back to the whole scene with that group of people...but anyway...


Well, I didn't cry this time.

I can't believe I forgot so much about the book though. Like how the doe patronus actually belongs to Snape. i kept trying to remember who the heck that belonged to, and i couldn't think of it. it made me think of Lily, which is somewhat on the mark because her patronus was also a doe.

I felt like I was able to process a lot more of the content this time and understand more of the symbolism, possibly because I already knew the basic plot or because I spent more time reading it.

But enough of that.

I watched movies this weekend.
I was all excited because I finally got Cirque du Freak to watch, but it was mjorly disappointing.

I found another movie I do like though.
Sense and Sensibility. Who knew?
I was looking for stuff that had Hugh Laurie in it (if you don't know who that is...go look him up), and I came across that movie. And it had all these other people in it that I like, too, so that made me happy. It's weird though because I've tried to read some Jane Austen books before and didn't particularly enjoy them, but I like the movies based off of them.

Oh, I also watched an episode of this comedy show "A Bit of Fry and Laurie" and it was kinda funny. I guess British humor is just so much different than American, so I didn't think it was super funny, but some of it made me laugh. I don't know.

I messed around with Cleverbot yesterday as well. I got kind of freaked out when it told me to eat a glazed donut filled with blood, but otherwise it was just amusing.
Supposedly it learns things from every conversation it has, so yeah. I liked how I said "THE GAME" and it replied "awww i just lost the game." some of you might not get that, but whatever.

i also read a really interesting horror story about a possessed video game (Majora's Mask) and it was pretty cool. Props to the writer for making it almost believable. he wrote it initially like it was something that was actually happening, and he had videos along with it that added to the creepiness of the whole thing. i loved it.

i have two more weeks of this term left at school. i'm super excited. i'm doing really well, so i'll probably get lots of awards and stuff at the next awards thing. I know i'll get some perfect attendance stuff and something for having a 4.0 and i also get my HIPAA certification. also, if i get 100% in pharmacology and pharmacy procedures i get this thing called a "genius" award. and i only have a couple tests left in each class.

so exciting. it's all going so well. that makes me feel pretty good.

if only i could stop dreaming about a certain person. it would be so much easier if i didn't dream about him because that just confuses me and i end up thinking more about him because of it and i'd much rather just let it go.
but all these's almost like my heart or mind or whatever is trying to tell me something. maybe. i try to listen but all i get is that strange silence where you're hearing people talking but not really.

i usually don't actually hear any sound in my dreams, but people say stuff in them all the time and there is noise of wind and cars and things somehow. it's there, but it's not. i'm not sure how else to describe it.

all my love,

and one last thing:
i supposedly wrote another blog entry that i don't remember writing. i don't know how i keep doing that. it's weird. the one i posted before this, though, i went back and read it and i could swear that i didn't type any of that, and the way it is worded is different from how i usually say things. hm. it's odd. because i know i must have written it. and yet, i don't remember writing it.

Friday, September 24, 2010

If I could love you for your lies, if only

those moments when i find myself staring out the window.
the sky is grey and i hate the way he left without a trace. without a face.
i've been dreaming about children with empty-minds who flood the halls and won't leave when i tell them. how they sit and talk but there are not really words at all. and there is no sound, but i hear them.

i'm traveling over rocks, jagged rocks, with my bare feet and a child in my arms. i'm searching, on a mission, and i can't remember the details, but my feet carry me in the right direction.

i'm taking my chances when i whisper his name. thinking he will appear, as if i have the power to summon demons, as if i have the power to make them real.
wishing that faith could change a heart on its own, that love could heal wounds over time, that silence will make the hate pass me by.

i'm forced to hide when he breaks free, smahing the air until i can't breathe. crashing through walls and breaking my bones, and really, why did i come in the first place is what i begin to wonder. because somehow i forget my reasoning.
i grasp for that place where are hearts touched, where we held hands and flew through pain.

i would try to escape to that plane of existence again, but it seems i've fogotten how to get there.
secrets always hide and play us for fools and know we can't catch them unless they let us. and i hate them for it.
still i keep my secrets safe inside and know i can't ever let them go. still i keep him secret in my heart, so sometimes i don't know that he's still there. beating.

i think i'm waiting, patiently, for some kind of truth to fall from the sky. life forms a melody that keeps us asleep. i keep trying to wake up. why can't i wake up?
it's just no use. impossible to understand the mysteries of the past, the inevitabilities of the future, the pain i feel right now.

i can see sunlight on the tree outside, but the sun itself has been lost. the peculiarity of it all. strange how the chemicals in my eyes can burn holes through my brain and keep me sane at the same time. strange how my heart is beating if it's not really there.

i am wondering how i will ever find someone again. i am wondering what i will do with my life. ideas are ideas. they lose practicality so fast, i never get the chance to blink. i think maybe reality isn't reality at all. instead, it lies the figment of trees and oceans of deities that are bored and lonely. like they somehow can't find each other. how sad.

somebody told me we are all alone in the end anyway, so it doesn't matter that we're alone now. we're just getting a head start.

i don't believe that though. i have more faith in where we go. even if i don't really know.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

digging holes

it's like he left a hole in my heart. i keep wishing there was something to fill it.
it's weird when someone disappears. i feel like something has been lost. something has gone missing. something doesn't make sense.
and this longing to find it again, to fix it, whatever it may be has me in a saddened state at times.

today i kept spacing out in class. i tried and tried to pay attention, to stay focused, but my mind kept going into that blank space. It wasn't even other thoughts. It was that total blank place where I somehow don't think of anything at all. I was able to focus when I had to take my test in Pharmacology though. Thankfully.

anyway, so. I am reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows again. Four chapters in and two deaths already. i totally forgot how depressing this book can be. But i love it. My favorite thing about these books is how they are written. Rowling really gets you into Harry's head to the point where it sometimes feels like you are going through every twist turn and trial with him. i love all the symbolism with certain key characters and objects and parts of the magical world. I love some of the more classical elements in her symbols. Though they made parts of the storyline quite predictable for me, I really enjoyed them anyway. It gave me something I already felt familiar with, something to instantly connect myself to.

I grew up with these books. I started reading them in middle school. it's actually kinda funny because i initially refused to read them mainly because they were such a fad and i generally distance myself from things that get super popular like that (although i've also read the Twilight saga) but once i started reading i realized i was going to get hooked on the series.

I'm reading the 7th book again in light of the fact that the movie comes out in November. I am super excited about it. I always like to review on the book before seeing the movie. i like doing comparisons for some reason. i take interest in how they change things, in what they add, and in what they leave out. i have certain expectations about this movie since they're doing the last book in two movies. so i figure, hopefully, they got a lot of the content in.

how could I not love this series?
I've always really been into magic and fantasy books and i love Rowling's rendition of it all.

by the way, for those of you who don't know, Snape is, always has been, and always will be my favorite character. i really wish Rowling had written more about his life. or that she would eventually write something more about him.
i've always liked the characters in stories that seem bad but are truly good. i like the dark, tormented past and the conflict and everything. he is just so interesting to me.

of course, Dumbledore is my second favorite.

I also really like Luna and well, Harry himself.

but you're probably tired of reading about this, so i'll stop here.

as for other stuff, well, i have 3 more weeks of classes. i got my schedule for next term and i'm pretty happy with it. i don't know who all of my teachers are yet, but some i do because they are the same as this term. i have class at 8am next term but i have a really good teacher who makes class exciting so it will be a good class to have that early in the day. i am so excited that i will be finished in february and then i can get certified assuming i pass the test. i'm confident that with the teaching i'm currently receiving that it will surely happen for me.

i feel kinda cool. and i'm looking forward to awards next term because i know i'll be getting several, plus my HIPAA certification. i took the test for that this term and got 100% so i get my certificate for that. yay.

yay. yay.

all my love,

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

and you just don't see the light

damage control anyone?

yesterday, the pastor at one of the churches i was going to came to visit me. of course, it wasn't just a visit. it was an attempt to figure out why i stopped going to church, with a side of trying to get me to return.

made me feel a little guilty with the whole bit about how everyone misses me and asks about me and how God says we need to go to church no matter how we feel.

i stopped going to church though because i just don't feel it anymore. not to mention i've never believed in only one god anyway and all the stuff that goes with it.
so i stooped going.

and then people wonder why.

i tried to be honest with the pastor though. i told him about how i have been depressed lately and how i don't really know what i believe in and that i just don't feel like going anymore.
but of course, he's one of those people who is so very into his religion that there's no room for any other. so how the heck do i get through and make him realize that it's not what i believe in?

i feel kinda bad though. i mean, i started going to church basically in support of my father, who works there. at times, i started to think maybe it was something i could go with, something i could believe in. but my heart has never really been in it. i just don't believe it. i can't.

i know there are those of you out there that fully believe in one god and jesus and everything, and i totally respect that, but it's just not for me. i've tried to believe in it. i made the effort. nothing changed though. not for me.

so now i don't go.

but now people wonder.

i'm not sure what to do about it.

religion can be complicated and difficult and sometimes it's a really touchy subject for people. i plan to tread carefully.

but otherwise, well, i'm not sure how this is all going down.
i wonder what he'll do when i continue not showing up though.

i'm just tired of pretending.
i want to be me.

with all my heart,

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

dream without sleeping

don't wanna lose this fight.

the days wear on me.
i do my best to stay afloat, keep my head above the surface, don't drown, don't drown.

i feel like i am two people.

there is the girl that swims by and excels and speaks clearly and can't be brought down.
and then there is she who always struggles and cries out and wants to curl up and hide away.

it's weird. i go back and forth between the two.
maybe it's just a mask though. is that it?
keeping a smile on my face and pushing through the day and appearing to be fine.
coming home and crying and feeling lost and worn out and afraid.

i feel like it's more than that though.
it's fighting. it's surviving. it's doing what i have to do to get by.
it's putting on a mask and forgetting that's what it is so i end up believing i'll be okay.

or something like that.

i don't know why, but it makes me smile.

i get the feeling i'm on the right track here. i mean, with my life.

surviving. in my world, it may be the best i can do.
with what i have to deal with, but i'm glad things aren't worse.

i may feel defeated at times, but i always manage to get back up again.
and to me that feels like an accomplishment.

all my love,

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

they echo me

"i am going away for a while
but i'll be back
don't try to follow me
'cause i'll return as soon as possible

see, i'm trying to find my place
but it might not be here
where i feel safe
we all learn to make mistakes

and run from them, from them
with no direction
we'll run from them, from them
with no conviction

'cause i'm just one of those ghosts"

i am loving that song at the moment. it fits my mood at the moment.
i recently bought the cd Brand New Eyes because i had been listening to the songs online so much of the time that it seemed to be worth it. now i can just turn on ym cd player and listen to it in my room.
i seriously don't know what i'd do without my music. it's the only thing that keeps me sane at times.

i love reading poetry and prose, too.
on deviantart, i watch a lot of amazing writers and their work is always so beautiful and inspiring. and it gives me something to relate to, and something i can love. i smile or cry or something. and some of these writers write in such a way that all the images just flow so vividly in my mind and the colors are so bright and i feel like i'm swimming through misplaced memories and reliving feelings i've already felt, but at a much greater depth. it's lovely.

lately, i'm also really into photography. the things one can express through a photo...

it's all so beautiful and so full of emotion and it's something that keeps me alive.
makes me feel alive.
makes me feel.

i may be depressed. really depressed right now. but still okay, somehow.

all my love,