Wednesday, March 31, 2010

loving the broken, the disconnected

my answer to a previous question about going to church.
it happened to come to me in church tonight.
the pastor talked about God's love for all, but especially those who are broken. those who have been disconnected from God.
those who are separated, somehow.

the way she talked about God's love made me realize that it is fine for me to go to church, even if I don't fully believe everything.
that the same love is there.
that i am always welcome.
so i feel better about that now, hearing her talk of such things.

and i had the ultrasound today. i won't know the results till i hear from my doctor.
it was an interesting experience. it was just like what i've seen on tv shows and such.
you know, slimy warm stuff they rub over you, and then the little thing they use to move around over that to look at it.
i spent most of the time watching the woman's face while she did because i didn't known where else to look.
but it wasn't as bad as i thought it could be. just somewhat unpleasant to have a full bladder being pushed on a lot.

i figured for sure something would be found, as bad and constant as this pain has been.
so far nothing.

i'll just have to be patient.

and i'm almost finished with The Poisonwood Bible. i would definitely recommend it to other people. it just takes you on a journey. a rather dismal journey, but it's just very realistic and possible for fiction. i guess i like that sort of thing.
even though real often leans toward the depressing things.
pain is more interesting than joy, somehow.
something to do with human nature.
just one of those things.

today i talked to my therapist about my trouble speaking to people. that i'm just self-conscious all the time.
i can't help it.
she said i'm giving other people too much power by being so worried about what to say, worrying about being judged.
but it's like i don't really care about being judged like i used. but the habits formed will not cease and so i stall and can't find the words to say.
she also mentioned i need to do what i can to get out so i'm not sitting around and becoming too "internally focused."
that would lead more often to depression and social troubles.
this, in the time between now and when school starts.
and the last thing was because i space out a lot. she asked me more than once if i did any drugs. but i seriously, honestly don't.
so she said, then maybe it's the medication.
but it's not like my dosage could be lowered, so i don't know.

medications can cause so much trouble. so, so much.
just with side-effects.

so i'm spacey and gaining weight, but the med does what it's supposed to. it really helps. so i'd like to stick with it.

so i'm medicated and it shows. ah, well.

today i am thankful for:
-sunny, warm weather; i got to go sit outside and paint today, which was quite beneficial to my mood. painting always gets out emotions that hav been locked away.
-my mother. there is so much i could say about her. about how awesome she is. but for now, i'll say that i really enjoy getting to talk to her about whatever. it puts me in a good mood and gives another perspective on things to get me thinking. she usually has helpful things to say.

so, all in all, today went well.

all my love,

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

if you're lost in the twilight

close your eyes and move on.

first thing on my mind-
i went to to see the doctor today.
he didn't find anything. which figures.
not that my pain is made up, and it kinda sucks to still not have any idea why.
especially when sometimes it's pretty much unbearable.
thus, i've been given a prescription for higher strength ibuprofen
and i get a sot of ultrasound tomorrow.
oh, did i mention i absolutely loathe pelvic exams? because i do.
and i had to get one today, and ugh. ow. ow ow ow.
but anyway, so ultrasound of certain kind to check for anything the doctor might've missed today.
bet that's gonna totally suck though.
plus, i have to drink a bunch of water 1.5 hours beforehand and and hold it, and hope like heck i don't pee my pants. lol. the idea amuses me right now, but tomorrow when i have to do it, i'm sure i'll be much less amused.

sometimes i feel like i'm walking in the dark. through life.
like i can't see anything around me and i'm making guesses on my next move.
and hoping it works out alright.
and sometimes i make mistakes.
but see, i'm pretty much blind, so mistakes are bound to happen.

the path is becoming clearer now. i've pushed my way through to a certain point,
and behold: a flashlight is revealed.
so now i can see better what needs to happen. what needs to be said.
but i'm still in the dark, especially when it comes to certain things.
or rather, uncertain things.

like love.
love is fleeting.
always, always.
even when you have a firm grasp on it,
it still runs off, sometimes taking you along.
but seems to always break away from you.
run, run away.
and you're left wondering why? wandering, why?
okay, maybe not always.
people eventually settle down enough to lock it away so it can't escape.
or so it would seem, based on my observations.
but that's what i really mean, that it gets locked away.
almost hidden.

like, when love is here to stay, you can tell.
but it seems like it's hiding.
or like its presence has died down.

and in the times when the passion is high, it likes to fly away.
so love is fleeting.
for me.

that's still one of those things so uncertain in life.
i am trying to reconnect with someone and it may work, or it may not.
i have no idea which. it isn't really leaning one way or the other.
i am just glad that there is a chance at all.
because one little chance means something.
and i'm such a believer.

i'm believing in myself. <3

and today,
i am thankful for chances. chances at love. chances at life.
chances at dreams, even, though few they are.
and i am thankful for being able to make good choices.

chances and choices go together. because we choose to take chances.
and that's me: taking chances with my words.
that's how it often feels.

sometimes i'm afraid to say anything because of it. it's pushed me into this shy person most people see. and only makes me more closed off.
that's right, i'm afraid.

but recently, i was able to find the right words to say. the words that felt right to say. words that made enough sense so those they were for could understand what i went through.
i am thankful for being able to find the words to say.
it helped in my friendship with two people.

well, i have to go soon.
church service every night since it's holy week.
so that's it for now.

all my love,

Sunday, March 28, 2010

love still believes when you don't

still on my Brandon Heath phase. yep.

and it's just rain rain raining outside right now. i was half-tempted to go out and stand in it like i do sometimes, but then decided against it. maybe some other time.

so i made it! one whole freaking week without biting my nails. so far i have a thin white rim on the tip of each one. i'm pretty sure that's a good sign. still probably have another week to go before i can paint them. i just gotta be patient. but it's weird to me because they already feel so long, even though they're still on the short side. that's how much i'm not used to having nails even this long.

today i've felt a bit out of whack. i don't know. i've been just slightly over the edge the entire day. and i can sure as heck feel it. being all edgy and shaken and trying not to freak out, even more so not to fall over or pass out. because that just never ends well.
right now i'm feeling slightly better, but also kinda sick to my stomach. ugh.

i'm running out of things to say these days. i don't always have something new.
oh, but today i started writing my first "Jesus" song, as i shall call it. i came up with the lyrics during the pastor's sermon today. go figure. i'll probably be working on the music to go with it after i finish this.

and today i noticed that smoke can look really cool, as i watched my incense burning. the way it curls and makes waves kind of like ribbon.
today it was tibetan orchid. it smells so good.
i also have raspberry rose and nirvana. they both smell quite good as well.
and the ashes are such a pretty grey color.
i love it. makes my room smell so nice.

today on my walk, i pondered my going to church. i kinda wonder if it's really right for me to go to church when i can't really say i'm christian. i mean, is believing in Jesus really enough? is having some of the same beliefs enough? does that really make it okay?
i'm sure you can imagine how in certain ways, i feel like i'm a fraud for being there. but it's still important to me to go. i get something out of it. and i feel like i've been giving something in return.
i truly feel blessed about some of the things that occur in my life. blessed by a certain higher power i will not give a name. and i like sharing that with others.
people like hearing about that stuff. it gives them hope sometimes.
and the church is like a family to me.
yet sometimes, i feel like i'm just being very selfish by going.
even though, ironically, the reason i started to go was on the unselfish side; it was for my father that i started going to church in the first place, since he works at both of them. and i know he really appreciates me going.

so i don't know.
am i a selfish fraud?
or am i a compassionate believer?
i guess i'm both in a way.

feel free to judge me.
no, seriously.
do it.
it's okay.
it's what i think of especially when i get on this topic, how others would judge me for being who i am and going to church. how, if people really knew what i believed in, i would be judged. it's sad because certain people wouldn't like me as much. certain people would have a problem with me.
it's kinda sad to think about. it's sad that religion can get in the way like that.
i'm glad to have found plenty of people in my life who can be friends with me for who i am, religion and all.

and so,
i am thankful for church. there's so much good there. so much for me. so much i gain from going. so much i can give and share by being there. and family time.

i am thankful for being able to be a little selfish. i used to think i couldn't be that way. i used to feel like i was bad if i acted selfishly. but i have to know when to do things for myself. when to look out for myself. that it's okay to be selfish sometimes. etc.

it really is okay.

all my love,

Saturday, March 27, 2010

i'm not who i was

change for the better.
that's what it's all about.

live. love. grow.

i was feeling a little depressed earlier on my walk, but that has pretty much passed.
i'm glad i didn't come home just wanting to cry.

my new thing of the moment is Brandon Heath. a friend of mine got me hooked on his music. especially the song "I'm Not Who I Was." my new favorite song of the moment.
i've only been listening to his music since last night, but i keep listening to the songs over and over. i like how the lyrics are very honest, completely relatable, and beautiful in their own way. i'm just totally into it right now. i also really like "Love Never Fails."

today was another pretty, blue sky day. it was chilly with wind, but otherwise pleasant.
and i still haven't bitten my nails.
one more day and it'll have been a week.
i still wonder how long it will take them to grow. i just have to keep telling myself i have plenty of time for them to grow because i don't plan on biting them at all anymore. i'm just so completely ready to have nails of a healthy length again.
although they're already not that bad. but i want them long enough so i can paint them again.

oh, so it seems i'll be having difficulty writing Dear Sun after all. i don't know. i lost my train of thought with it. i should've written down what i had been thinking before i forgot it.
but that's okay. i have plenty of time to work on it.

i have to keep telling myself that.
there's no need to hurry.
no rush.
i have time.
i'm not running. not running out.
no, no.

so today i am thankful for:
-a good friend of mine who has been very understanding and is accepting me as a friend again. she means a lot to me, so i am glad to reconcile things with her.
-being capable of self-control, to keep myself from being impulsive, making bad choices, and doing things like biting my nails.

all my love,

Friday, March 26, 2010

skies are blue

i passed!

my test i mean.

i did pretty well on my keyboarding test also.

so everything is set for me to go to school.
they told me i won't get an official acceptance letter until May, but that since i passed the test i'll definitely be getting one.
all that's left to set up is my financial aid, but that's it.
i'm so excited!

i'm also feeling very good about something else. i'm getting a chance to patch my relationship with two different people who really mean a lot to me. it amazes me what life sometimes brings to us. i'm am so grateful to have the opportunity to make up with people.
what's better is this: i explained to these friends what was going on with me in the time i made the bad choices that led to troubles we had, and doing that really helped them understand things better. i'm really glad i could successfully express myself, and that the response was positive.

it's absolutely wonderful, the evidence that i'm changing for the better.
to see that i can make things work. to see that the past is the past, and i can leave those things behind me.
to know i can be happy.
to know i can love.

i am happy.
life is beautiful.
change is the constant.

knowing i can make my life my own finally gives me a sense of freedom.
things fit into place because i put them together, like a puzzle.

there are still some things i don't like, bit can deal.

life feels balanced. balance is good.
i feel much closer to being whole again.
even though i don't have any friends here. even though i don't really gets to spend time with people my own age.

i really miss fun with friends, but i no longer feel like i'm dying without it.
i finally feel like my own person again.

learning, learning, learning. always learning.

it's also day 5 of not biting my nails. progress. yay!

and i want to start something new today for these blogs. for each blog, i will make sure to post something i am thankful for. i used to do it in my journal. so i'll actually do at least two things: one internal, one external.

i am thankful for forgiveness. for the ability of others to forgive.
i am thankful for my ability to grow. to reach new heights.

i also want to say that i am thankful for change. change for the better.

and i will survive.

all my love,

Thursday, March 25, 2010

wounds get stitched up slowly

but surely.

it is possible, i've found, to gain back some of what i lost.
and that makes all the difference to me.

i finally found the words to explain myself to an old friend.
she asked some things, and after thinking, i was prompted to just express the feelings i had back then, somewhat expressing the way my mind works, or used to work anyway, before i grew and got away from some of the darker things.

granted, i still have my moments. but it's all in knowing how to deal with them.
and that's what i'm learning. and i'm growing with it.

and it makes me happy to be able to say i don't do all kind of crazy impulsive things i used to do.
for one thing, i don't cut anymore. haven't for a while now. i'm really glad i was able to break free of that addiction.
but really, i've found that it isn't so hard anymore.
my will-power is thriving.
as i think i mentioned, i've currently stopped biting my nails.
simple using my will to not to it anymore.
i haven't even had to wear gloves like i thought i would.
i just don't do it.

and it'll be nice once they're completely grown out again.
i'll feel proud of myself.
and i can show my mother and grandmother and everyone that i actually have nails for once, and they're real.
makes me wonder how long it takes to grow nails out...
but i can wait,
since i plan on not really biting my nails ever again.
this is just the beginning.
and though it's maybe only a small accomplishment, to me it is a big deal because of all the years i spent doing it, and how it shows that i'm making progress mentally, and emotionally, when i can keep myself from such a habit.

and i'm reading again. i picked up The Poisonwood Bible yesterday.
i have a hard time knowing what kind of books i'll read, but so far i like it. i should be able to finish it within 2 weeks. i'm trying to read around 50 pages per day.
i like giving myself goals, even just with reading and eating, and etc. it gives me something to do.
it's the way i get through things and accomplish what i want to.
it just seems to be a method that works for me.
i'm glad to have found something like that.
i know it will come in handy with school.

which, by the way, i take the entrance test tomorrow.
i also take a keyboarding test which i guess i'll be out in the lowest class because i don't type like how they teach people too. i do ype rather quickly though, as surprising as that might be.
i know the keyboard quite well though from typing so much. i usually don't even look at the keyboard when typing, even though i don't keep my hands in one place.

but i'm sure they'll want me to do it their way, so i'll just have to do it like that.
that's okay though.

i also get fitted for scrubs because that's the uniform i'll have to wear while i go to school there. at least, it should be comfortable. scrubs look like they'd be comfy.

i am excited about things coming up.
i have school.
but even before that i get to go visit my family in May, since me and my grandmother are going out for my sister's graduation.
that'll be fun.
i really miss everyone who lives out there.

oh, and next week is holy week.
i get to go to church every evening.
that'll be interesting.
but at least those church services will be short, or so my father claims.
and tonight is the last soup supper.
and this sunday is our "passion" sunday, which i'm looking forward to because it'll be different than other sunday services. and it's neat to do things differently sometimes.

last night i had practice with my father, and the girls who sing with me at the other church. we just went over the songs for this coming sunday.
but i felt good because we were practicing with microphones, and i had fun with it.
plus afterward, my father said that i did well.
he said that he wishes it could be like before, when he used to do it with two other guys, and they harmonized when they sang, but that i would've made a nice addition to that group.
okay, so he's my father, and it's not like he's going to tell me i'm horrible, but a lot of people at that church like the way i sing. the pastor's wife says i sing "like an angel."
now, i don't know about that, but i'm happy to be using my voice, and that i get to share it with others.
i love to sing. i just love expressing myself in that way. and it's wonderful that i can share that with others.
i'm able to really get into it at that particular church on sunday mornings, and that adds to my spiritual connection.
for me,
singing is always a spiritual experience.
it's yet another thing i've been doing since i was young.
something i really enjoy.
so i'm really glad i get to keep singing like this.

all my love,

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

time after time

it's so strange, this feeling i get.
it's like i'm running out of time. i feel like i don't have much time left.
for what, though, i do not know for sure.
almost like life itself is unwinding.
and it scares me.
and i don't get where the idea comes from because it's not like i have some disease or illness that would cut my life short.
it's like a sense of impending doom though.

people often say to me about how much time i have left to do what i want to do, but a voice in the back of my mind always disagrees with that.
but i don't let it keep me from doing things normally.
it just..bugs me a little bit, having that feeling.

i am making progress with some things. i'm eating better, although i haven't lost any weight. i also haven't bitten my nails for 3 days now, which for me, is a big deal, since i've been biting my nails for over ten years, every single freaking day since i started back when i was only nine years old. there happens to be a teacher who made me really nervous and i remember that m nail-biting started sometime during her class.
while that may not be the real cause, as other, more troubling things were occurring in my life then, that happens to be the start.
people that scare me.

i think that i am certainly a better person than i was a year ago. my habits are slowly becoming healthier: physically, mentally, and emotionally.
and though i'm still attached to some things from before, i'm attached in a different way.

i am learning all the time. and i'm making progress. and hopefully that will amount to something. life seems to be falling into place now.
i can see myself living better than before.
and on my own.
and making my own way.
and i'm on a path to get there.

so i think things will turn out well enough.

i still want to find love again.
and in the future, i'd like to have a family.
with someone special.
which seems harder to attain than a decent career, even with the economy as it is now.
love is often a difficult venture.

but i know when the time comes again,
i'll be much more prepared to handle it.

all my love,

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

the way things change

makes me feel like disappearing. just for a moment.
take the pain away with it.
just in that moment.
when my my heart got smashed again.
and the pieces flew in every direction.
with little hope of finding them all again.

but i will believe.

and a certain person was right, though i couldn't quite see it until now.
all i can really do is strive to be the best person i can be, and if i'm wanted then, well, it's all good. and if not, i'll have to find a way to let it go.

i'm glad to know that there is some sort of hope in this.
because really,
that's all i need.

all my love,

Monday, March 22, 2010

oh, i believe in yesterday

note: this was written yesterday

i am glad to report that after going on a walk yesterday i was in a much better mood. i feel like i'm on a rollercoaster with my emotions though.
i keep going up and down, and up and down, and up and down. it is a bit frustrating, but i'm doing okay with managing it.

so i got back in touch with an old friend. it seems like we might be able to patch things up again.

today i'm feeling sick again. and horribly tired. i have no idea why, but i do.
i'll probably have to rest.
it's pouring rain outside anyway, so i can't go bike ride like i usually do.
having rain is nice though. i like it. it leaves the air all fresh and sweet.

in about a week i'll finally be seeing a doctor for my pain. this time things will work out, even if i get stressed about it again. i hope it isn't too serious.

last night, i got into art mode somehow and drew some stuff i'm happy with for once.
not to mention the piece i'm already working on. so that's definitely a god thing.
i'm getting my creativity back, at least a little bit.

things are looking up.

all my love,

Sunday, March 21, 2010

and I don't feel like I am strong enough

I'm broken when I'm open

today i'm feeling very confused, and lost, and my heart aches so much.
i am just so afraid of losing someone so dear. that's really all it is.
but my emotions have been all over the place recently. so it would seem, anyway.
i'm doing my best to work through it though.
and from what i can tell, there is reason to hope. things seem to be leaning towards what i want them to be. and that's helpful.
i just have to keep working at it.

it's hard to smile right now, mostly because i've cried so much today that my eyes feel heavy and tired.but i really think i have the strength i need somewhere. i always do, somehow, even though i can never be quite certain where it comes from.
but i'm trying. i'm doing the best i can.
i'm going about things the way i need to be, for the most part.

there are certain emotions that just seem to linger. almost like they're sewn in.
and i have to go through the long process of threading them out, lest i ruin the whole piece and only cause more misery for myself.
the whole thing is quite the task.
but i am working at it as diligently as i can.

i always feel like i have so much to handle.
and that's where i get stressed out.
and sometimes when i make an effort to do things that will benefit me, i also get that much more stressed out.
and that's when the chaos finds it way in. slips in. and bugs me over and over.
and threatens to destroy me.

but the good thing is, i'm very determined to not let that happen. and i pull myself together and fight it, and keep on going with life.

and i'm learning where there is joy, and where there is sorrow,
and actually,
my emotions seem more balanced, and more real.
like i actually have reasons behind them.

it makes them all the more beautiful. when they are so real, and i can flow with them rather than against, even the darker emotions.

so all in all,
i'm doing well.

i'm just having a down moment right now.
but that shall pass, i know.
i'm actually sad because of something instead of nothing
and that makes me feel a little bit better about it.
and it lets me know i will be able to get past it.

oh, and i looked through some reading lists online and made my own list of books i would like to read. i managed a list of 11 books.
so i went to the library online catalog to order the first one i felt like reading, The Poisonwood Bible. i actually thought of it on my own, remembering it was one i had wanted to read. i had simply forgotten about it, and didn't have it on the former list i made.
it's actually pretty neat the way the library system works here. i can go online and order a book from any of the libraries in the county system, and they get sent to the library i go to so i can just go there to pick them up.
i thought that was really cool, especially since the library i go to is really small, and their selection is rather limited.

in the meantime, Dear Sun hasn't gotten very far yet, but i'm working on it. i finally figured out more of how i want to write it. mixing the main character's natural voice with her more poetic voice is somewhat of a challenge, but today i figured out how i can mix the two correctly, so that it flows well.
right now i only have a little over 300 words, but i'll have plenty of chances to write more.
my goal is 50,000 words because that was the NaNoWriMo goal that i didn't reach, and i just think that's a good goal for a book.
i've just always wanted to finish a book. i don't care so much about trying to get it published.
hopefully, this is finally one i can.
i find it quite easy to write in this particular way. i flow better with it.
the style fits me so well that the words come a lot easier.
i'm looking forward to the journey it takes me on as well.

all my love,

i really wish i could write out, in a fabulous way, how much this certain person who reads my blog, just how much he means to me. when it comes to things between us, it's difficult, but i love him, regardless. i just hope he realizes i really do.

river flows in me

black river flowing through my veins
O, how i swim against your current
and fight the might wind
to find my way forward

my little red boat floats my heart,
but my feet are sinking, drinking in
the flood, the feast of demons,
unaware of the bitter taste

the white light spirit guides my hands
as i push into the sand
golden and warm in the glow
of the afternoon saffron sun

dark river running over my head
O now, i swim, half-drowned
blue burning in my lungs as
i reach for the surface

my violet stepping-stones strike out
jagged, biting through flesh
but my feet, numb to the pain,
do not regret the leaps i've taken

the stretch to lost salvation
stamps out the green earth
and spins and dance so elegant
i never know i left

i wrote this poem today. and i like the fact that it has the same feel and flow as my old poetry. back when i really liked what i wrote.
and i find comfort in the fact that this expresses quite well, finally, how i've been feeling. i got everything in there somehow. it just all fit in.

isn't it nice when we can express ourselves the way we want to?
because for me, it's often difficult, especially in my life now where my mind has become so fragmented and mixed up.

all my love,

shattered glass

i wrote this last night.

shattered so easily.

i don't get it. everything was going so well. i did what i needed to do, and yet, here i am feeling lost and confused.

oh, but really i am going down the right path. and everything, i mean absolutely everything i had in mind, is falling into place, and within reach.
i can feel it.

but right now i am sitting among the flood of despair. really, what could it be?
why does my heart cry out so?
i am just trying to understand my own mind, mad as it is.
i still seem to be unraveling, coming undone at the seams, tearing off piece by piece.
really, what is this? i want to know.

there are so many holes and missing elements.
and oh, my fragmented memory, how it seems to be shutting down.
and i just don't know what to do with that.

i'm just crying again.
and here i felt alright this morning.
so how am i supposed to know what to do to chase away the darkness?
i think i find something, and then i stick with it, and it loses its power.
maybe not completely, but nothing works consistently.
the whole mental issue itself is not consistent.
at this point, there has even been doubt upon the diagnosis of bipolar previously given.

and we really think there is more to it.
or are we all just losing it?
i don't want everyone to fall apart. someone has to keep it together.

someone else?

who am i anyway?
i'm still trying to understand that.

they call it fragmentation. this whole personailty thing.
fragmented to begin with? broken? who knows?
who could know who we are?

thoughts are fleeting, too fast. time makes no sense.
and dreams. dreams are peace.


Saturday, March 20, 2010

the sun is up, the sky is blue

it's beautiful, and so are you.

so let's greet the brand new day. i am back to my joyful self. i must say, it's much nicer to only be depressed for one day, instead of days and days without end. that's something i can actually handle.
i went on a walk last night, just a short one, and that helped me get my tears out.
also, the pressure is back down. last night, when i got back in, i just listened to my music and let myself flow freely, and that took away all that had been building. or a lot of it anyway. it's nice to no longer feel like i might just randomly explode.

i'm kind of sad today, but not depressed, and only sad from concern for a friend who had a terrible, terrible time recently, with various things that occurred, and i wish i could do more to help. he's a very good friend of mine, after all.

otherwise, today is a good day, so far.
spring begins today, officially in less than an hour.
i love spring here in PA. it's always so pleasant outside because it's cool enough to not be suffering from the heat, unlike summer. and all the flowers blooming. there are mini daffodils my father planted last year and one of them has already bloomed and just looks so cute. we also have tulips and another flower whose name i can't recall at this moment.

it's also a good thing in regards to my puppy, who now can spend plenty of time outside in the warm sunshine. it gives him a chance to run around and use some of that energy he always has. i often sit outside with him and play with him, or sometimes i just sit out there and hold him in my lap. he seems to like the attention.

but i'm out of books to read. i'm not sure what to pick next. i'm thinking i should pick up some more classics to read, but there are various authors in there whose works i'm not interested in. Hemingway, for example. i find his writing to be quite dry, and while i can get through it, i don't really enjoy it.
this is unfortunate because i've been using books to take up chunks of my free time, although the good news is, now that spring is here and the weather is pleasant, i have been spending a good deal more outside, usually getting more exercise in through walking or biking.
but i did look up a list of supposed classics and will work my way through those on the list i'm interested in. so that is that.

as for school, all is still the same. waiting for the day i take my test.
i'm so excited about school though. i really am.

i will be attempting to get into my "groove" with writing Dear Sun today. i'll see where it takes me.
and i'll keep working on my pretty art, too.

all my love,

Friday, March 19, 2010

the walls come tumbling down

today i made a discovery.
two, actually.

i found out that there are woods as part of a park within a ten-minute bike ride of my house. it's a lovely place. it's filled with trees, and the ground is filled with brown leaves that will crunch loudly under your feet, and there are all these flowers in bloom. so lovely indeed.
i intend to go there in times to seek peace. well, sometimes when i need peace anyway.
the trip back happens to be quite troublesome since the hill is so very steep.
but i guess it's worth it.

i also figured out that the best treatment for my back pain, which had just been getting worse with each day, was in fact, to do what caused it in the first place.
but after bike riding today my back isn't so sore feeling. most of the pain is gone.
i think it might be because i'm working muscles i haven't quite used in a while, and so they get sore from it, but continuing to ride my bike will make them stronger.
also, the seat on the bike is about the worst kind of seat it could have, and that adds a lot to the pain, but my father plans on buying a better seat for his bike so he can give me back the seat that was originally on mine.

of course, now my neck is bothering me. *sigh*

so the depression is back again. well, of course it is.
as expected.
i'm still learning, still learning.

oh, how i long to disappear into the night, in times like these.
my heart hurts and i'm on the verge of tears.
and i still have the feeling of something built up too much it's suffocating me.
more than that.
it fills up every fiber of my being until i don't know how it could build up anymore.
but i'm still here.
i haven't burst into pieces yet.

i started a drawing today that i think i will be happy with.
i haven't been happy with my writing or art lately.
so it will be a pleasant thing to create a piece that turns out well enough.

i think i must go on a walk soon. before it gets too dark.
i just want to cry out.

but there's nobody to hear me.

i miss love.
it's here in my life, but always in a distant form.
i want it close by again.
i really do.

at least, i will share it with you.

all my love,

Thursday, March 18, 2010

when you're living in a hallway that keeps growing

today is a sick day. maybe.
i do not feel well at all. breakfast made me sick.
plus my back is only worse. go figure. bending over is pretty much the most troublesome thing at the moment.

but i'm dancing. and singing. and trying to enjoy my time, regardless of any pain or illness.

and oh! spring is almost here! and it certainly looks like spring today. the flowers are started to spring up from the soil, and the sun is shining, and the air is fresh and cool. i really love it. i finally don't have to be cold anymore. which is nice.

well actually, it's still quite cold inside this house. for whatever reason.
i'll probably push myself to walk today because i didn't manage yesterday.
keep working them muscles, oh yeah!

still got something wrong emotionally.i don't know. build up of nerves.
maybe it's left over from the anxiety attack the other day. just maybe.
i'm not letting it get to me, though.

i wonder what has changed? i think something must of put me in a good mood.
maybe it's all of this sunshine. and fresh air.
and i'm noticing the things to look forward to more.
ever since that mediation i've been in a better mood.
weird. but i like it.

i went to a meditation group that time with my father. and i feel a little awkward being in that group because besides me, my father, and his girlfriend, it's a bunch of old ladies. and some of the things i don't quite agree with.
kind of like me and church.

there are certain things i really like about church, and certain things i completely disagree with. but it all somehow balances out to bring joy in my life.
it's nice having other people around, and making friends, even if they're all so much older than me.
i do love getting to sing up on stage with the microphone. and being in choir. and getting to dance a little.
and i really am quite good at finding that spiritual connection during services and letting it flow freely throughout my being.
that is what truly makes it worth it.

so i guess i'm finding my own happiness for now. maybe meditation really opens me up. that would certainly make sense. i'll have to keep it up. see how often i should do it.
but i'll try to go to that group when i can, and i'll try to meditate on my own.
etc etc.

so this is good. i think i've found something that works for me. i'm really excited about that.

it works better than meds, too. which is even better.

even flow.

also, i may have another story to work on. i think this one might be easier for me to finish than the previous one, so i'll see what i can make of it.

it's called: Dear Sun

i'm writing letters to the sun, and i'll try to follow some sort of story, and make it poetic, too.

i already wrote the first letter.
an i'm thinking of starting a second blog and posting it there. i don't know if i really will though.

i'll just try to write it first. and see how far i can go with it. but i like the idea. and i like my character's "voice" so far, which i think has been partly inspired by Alice of Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, which i'm currently reading.

it really is quite a lovely tale.

all my love,

all my love

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

stars in my lungs

the are little stars in my lungs that burn up my breath and turn everything to ashes.

something keeps getting built up inside of me. i feel like i could explode. burst into flames. go leap into the sky. just run away.
i don't know how to help rid myself of the feeling. nothing seems to be working. and it's starting to make me feel sick.
and it's so chaotic.

it makes me really miss yesterday. yesterday i felt pretty good, even though i had that same feeling of something building up and pushing against my skin from the inside.
it tends to make my emotions go haywire.
i seriously am getting too hot and a little shaky.
perhaps, i ought to find some form of release, but i don't know what.
i thought of going on a walk or bike ride, but my back is very sore, so i'm not sure i would last very long if i tried to do one of those things.
i already exercised earlier, but that didn't help much.
i feel rather exhausted, too.

but i'm getting fidgety. yet i feel so tired?
it's like having too much energy and no energy at the same time. i really dislike feeling this way. it usually doesn't go away except on it's own. or while i'm asleep at night.
or something like that.

i also sang earlier and played piano a little bit. and danced.
i want to write a song and use "stars burning in my lungs" somehow. and i want it to be a love song.
and i'd like to record it if i can get it all together properly. maybe?
i love music. it holds a kind of sanctuary for me.

i think that's enough for now. i can't think properly right now.
but i'll do my best.

all my love,

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

dancing through green fields

and there he was, all brilliant blue eyes and soft hair, holding out his hand towards me.
visions of joy.
of beautiful times.
we danced, and danced, and we ran along, hand in hand. and i remembered what it was like to be free. to know how to really live. to know how to really love.
and the fields were just so green. so splendid.
so perfect in those moments.

this was my vision in meditation yesterday. it was a truly wonderful experience, to be there, with that lovely boy, in an all too tragic time, but knowing bliss as magnificent as ever.

and we were dancing.
and getting older.
and times were changing.
and tragedies unfolded.
and we were dancing.

so, i do love to dance. i'm quite passionate about it, but i keep it to myself generally. dancing for me is a nice way to just let go. a good stress reliever.

speaking of which, i had a small anxiety attack today. only small because i kept it under control. but i was rather stressed out from it, and thus:
i missed out on the appointment i was supposed to have today. *sigh*
we went to the wrong address, i forgot my insurance card, road construction, etc, etc. so i had to reschedule. oh yay, more waiting.
that's okay though. i can wait a bit longer, i guess. it's only 2 more weeks anyway.

all in all, today turned out to be decent. the early stress of the day faded and i got to float for a little while. i got out and did plenty of biking and walking. i did well enough on my eating today, and yesterday, too. that makes me happy because i've really been struggling with trying to diet and keep eating things i shouldn't, but now i'm really starting to get on track. i've learned that i just need to let myself cheat, and not put so much emphasis on it when i do. that way i don't get so stressed out if i happen to eat one thing i shouldn't. this way, it's better because when i get stressed out, all tends to fall apart, and i end up giving up on trying to be good about it. and then i just eat more and more of what i shouldn't.

it's interesting. i've been on the happy side the past two days. which is strange because i'm almost always feeling low, and nothing has really changed that recently.
and when i feel good, i do better with eating and exercise. not to mention, i tend to have more energy. and more control.
ooh, i definitely love days like these. hooray for happy days!

i thought today about how i love making people smile, and how there have been so many moments when i've done a really good job trying to cheer someone up. i really like doing little things that make others smile. even if i'm feeling low, i can always find it in me to try for someone else.
now i just have to try for myself, right?
oh, trust me, i am.
no, really.

i'm still learning. i'm still growing. i keep moving forward, sometimes back, but generally forward. i think i'll be able to make good progress.
i know things are being sorted out. and it's me who's doing the sorting.
even though i'm not totally self-sufficient, i've realized i still have a lot of control over what happens.
so i'm making the most of what i can, and taking action, and i know that will pay off.

i can definitely see where there's hope for me.

well isn't life just sweet sometimes? it might just be an acquired taste, though.

all my love,

Sunday, March 14, 2010

watch me as i fall

friday was so strange. i felt so weird, but i can't describe it accurately. i read over my blog from that day, which i seriously don't even remember writing.
it's like watching my mind trickle down into nothing.
i can see where i was starting to lose myself and notice how it turned into nothingness. just like that.
really, really strange.

so anyway, i'm really tired and can't really think of much to say.

voices. voices. voices.
i wonder, they seem to be getting worse.

still preparing for school. and my permit test.

and, and...
i see a doctor on tuesday. i'm looking forward to it because it will be a relief to finally be getting somewhere on what this pain is from. it has been much too long-going. something really needs to be done soon.

i am so tired. did i mention that? daylight savings time didn't help with that. it was still dark when i woke up this morning.
same thing with sleep as has been. i keep waking up various times throughout the night. the dreams are a bit less pleasant, somewhat murky, but have as warm a glow about them as ever. or maybe the colors are just changing.

it's nice to dream though, isn't it?

all my love,

Friday, March 12, 2010

kyrie eleison

i am in a daze right now. eyelids drooping, heavy.
and nothing really matters.

so what is this state of being?
surely, i am unraveling.
everything has become so difficult.
i no longer have what i used to.
it's all...gone...somewhere.
but where? and why? and how?

life makes me dull. on and on and on.
over and over.
wave after wave after wave.
my thoughts are incoherent.
my short-term memory is severely flawed unlike before.
i cannot seem to hold onto to anything. anything at all.
the charms of life no longer apply.

where is the beauty now?
it is in agony, inner and without, that i catch glimpses of it.
agony that seems so distant in those times.
but i feel it often scratching at the surface.
how truly dreadful.

or is this just another one. another soul.
how i long to know.

and for some reason, i cannot recall my name. how strange, indeed.
who am i, anyway?
what is this for?
but i feel the need to keep going.
keep typing.

my mind is blank and i am fading away. surely, i must be.

and i feel like i am falling, in place. falling, lost and seeing nothing.

what is this feeling?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

i hope you dance

i am waiting in the pouring rain.
arms dangling. and fingers pressed on puffs of air. i do not
falter as the burning in my lungs grows and touches wistfully
at my ribcage, as the flames lick quietly up the walls of my heart,
as the kerosene spreads into my veins, my bones.
but i am trembling.

i am waiting for a heart like mine.
a heart that orbits my world in 2.17 seconds. a heart
that is not afraid to breathe in the fire. to live
with the ashes. he will twist and turn. writhe in agony.
and he will be mine, be forever.
in dreams everlasting.

i am waiting as i dance in time to the tune of pain.
the throbbing never ceases. the drums, unabated. there are
keystrokes and voices. whispering songs. my breath dies down
and my words fade away. and everything changes.
but i am not afraid.

and so i danced into the night.
just for on song though.
but it was magnificent, letting go out on the dark street.
the warm air set me free and i flitted to and fro with joy in my heart.
it is nice when i have times like that.
times when i'm alone, but feel so wonderful.
times when my soul is on fire, when the stars in my lungs burn with such intensity
i just have to get my feet moving.
there is some sort of ecstasy in it. i feel so renewed in those moments.
so alive.

i was feeling so inspired last night. and so light and fluffy.
ah, the sheets did feel so pretty and cool against my cheek.

oh blessed moment when my soul break free.

i am happy to say i am doing well so far in practicing and studying for my permit. i only got 4 questions wrong out of 120. i still need to study the driving record section. most of it is stuff about drinking, go figure. i'll probably be taking the test next month. i'm excited. i need to learn to drive already.
i feel so old.
and my younger sister, one of them, already drives. i figure i oughtta start driving before the other one gets there.
i do still have the issue of nerves with driving. i think i'm most worried about parallel parking.
and i don't trust my eyes all that much.
my vision tends to be clearer with contacts but i can't afford them yet. so glasses must do, for now.

i got a good bit of exercise in today. went walking and bike riding all over the place.

didn't sleep much last night, but the few hours i do get, i keep having the most pleasant dreams. it's really quite lovely like that. though i wish i could sleep more. i keep waking up though. and then i lie there and can't seem to fall asleep again for hours. hmmm...

i am still in a good mood today. exercise probably helps. listening to good music helps, too. and the beautiful outdoors, too, since these past few days have been warm and sunny. the fresh air really helps.
i'd suggest it to anyone. it's really quite nice.

all my love,

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

tungsten, your element; everlast, your promise

there is something beautiful inside of me.
i feel it growing. i do.
there's just sometimes i have to wonder.
and sometimes i forget to dream.
to cherish what's in front of me.

and there you are...

so i haven't mentioned yet that i've been having this significantly troublesome pain most likely in one of my ovaries. i have a feeling it's probably PCOS since i was at risk for it not too long ago, and it fits with my symptoms well enough. i'm going to a doctor on the 16th so that we can figure out whatever it happens to be and begin the process of fixing whatever is wrong.
i must say it worries me. i guess because it could be something worse. but i always think of things like that, don't i? actually, i'm really more worried about the pain in general, and wondering if i've waited too long to see a doctor about it, and wondering if it could mean worse things. i wonder if there could be permanent damage that can't be fixed at all. and i wonder about the process i'll have to go through to get this issue fixed.
and i'm hoping it doesn't get shoved off by the doctor as something less than what it is.
and anyway, this could be very likely be related to my weight gain, so i wonder if losing weight might get easier again when this issue is resolved.
and who knows what else it could be affecting?

now usually, i would question myself about thinking i have a certain health issue or another like this, but i feel rather certain of this one being something significant. probably because of the pain. the pain is always there. i do my best to ignore it because pain reliever doesn't really help. and the pain gets so bad sometimes i end up hunched over on the ground, down on my knees, trying not to scream.

uh. uh. uh.

today is one of those rare days of beauty for me. and only the later half of the day i've been walking on air. there is light and stars are bright on the inside of my heart. the burning in my lungs is vibrant as ever, but doesn't hurt me like usual.
the spaces with parts missing go by without so much notice because the sweetness in the wind dissolves into them and fills the spaces gently. ever so gently.

i think i will go dance in the night. it is calling.

and while i'm thinking of it, as i'm listening, octjado is amazing. i love his music. he's a friend of mine i met in college.

you can go here and listen if you like:

all my love,

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

when you look for those words and cannot find them

i don't know what to say this time.
there are some people i just don't know how to talk to. or can't talk to about anything serious without getting upset because they just always seem to push buttons, no matter what it is.
it's tough when i feel put down by whatever they seem to be saying, but i can't help it. and i don't know what it is.
i try to get along with certain people, people i care about, and sometimes it just doesn't work. and i don't know what i can to do to change it. to mend this little wound that is always opened when they try to tell me about their side of things. and it's that kind of wound that stings so much it just annoys me.

i'm doing well with diet and exercise. i've been basically sticking to my diet and i'm exercising even more than i was before. it's a struggle. i really have to live hour by hour with things because i've been so depressed that i have to force myself to do anything. i really have to keep pushing myself.

i'm looking forward to school though. having a routine like that will help me. i've noticed that giving myself things to seems to help, even if i have to fight with myself to end up getting them done.

i've been studying for my permit test as well. and they have practice questions online so i'm about to go see how many of those i get right.

so that's all for now.

all my love,

my words abandoned in silence

this is me feeling pathetic. wasted.

the trees and the sky both agree,
i'm much to low, down here on the ground,
to be reaching for them. but still i do.
and i hate how your promises are always breaking
at the wrong times, and how you're always
right when it comes to me. you always know just
what you should say, and it always hurts me somehow,

and my heart is slamming up
against my ribs, wishing
to come out for once, and
bounce around on paved dreams,
those things i'm always singing about.
and we'll be like we were, but not so perfect,
and i will gently smile and sigh for

the paint has splattered off the page because
we were reckless, two hearts running
right to the edge before turning,
almost falling back but not quite,
we skidded to a halt and left the stage
on opposite sides, so maybe those sides do somewhere meet,
and all this will come full-circle
in time.

and the stars keep on shining, as if to
say that life has no meaning, but keep
walking and you will find they really
burned out years ago when you were caught
up in some pretty romance and forgot
to notice how beautiful they could
be, if only you had watched them
all go out.

this is me feeling confused. and bitter because

someone made me cry inside.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

and we were free

i am of the flesh and there is bitterness in my heart.
and i live in humility.
i am but a humble soul stumbling along my path on this earth.


there is sunshine on this day; there is light among us.
the spirit moves among us.
i kneel, my palms pressed to the ground,
before the power of something greater.
the power that surrounds us now.


i want to believe. and i do.
in something. it is many things.
i know not what it is for certain.
but i do not need t name it.
i do not need any labels.
i only need my faith, blessed faith
in what is.
the power of the spirit out there
in the sky. of the earth.
and that spirit dwells within me.
and somewhere in all of us.
and i believe.

for there is strength in faith
and there is wisdom.
and there is love.


oh, my love

and my heart is with him.
always with him.
it always has been.
ever since we came together.
ever since we found each other.

and when i left him
i left my heart behind.
i could never detach it from him,
from his heart.
i gave him my heart and
i cannot take it back
and there it shall remain
in his hands

so now i wait to hear him say
that we will be one again


today is a troubled day.
my eyes are so swollen and burning, i am tired and my head and face ache all over.
i found out today that an old woman of my church, someone who has become very dear to me, is on life support in the hospital. i sat next to her husband today at church. we all prayed for her.
this woman, she always puts a smile in my heart. with all her love and kindness. and her somewhat quirky personality. i really love her.
so i'm hoping for the best.

and we actually have a good many people in our church who have health troubles. besides my father, there are others with cancers, tumors, and the like. those who struggle every day to keep going.
they are right at death's feet, in a sense.
and they are such a blessing to me, all of them.
people of such faith.
such a wonder to behold.

there is so much power in faith. within and without. that's one of the reasons i go to church. well, i go to churches, but specifically i am referring to the second one i attend. at the church we are a family.
i cannot truly call myself a christian anymore than i can call myself a pagan or buddhist. those three i seem to be mixing, for me. or rather, i mix them into one thing, all my own. beliefs, rituals, practices, and customs. there are certain things from each that appeal to me.

christianity never appealed to me much until i started to going to the aforementioned church. there is a spirt, as i will call out, that moves among us there. it a such a strong feeling, of great power and faith, that i sense there. that moves me.
also, i do believe Jesus has some sort of significance because i had a vision of him once. he was in the strangest form, but i know it was Jesus. so there is that as well.

my belief and sky father and earth mother, as well as certain pagan rituals, holidays, and other things has kept me with paganism/wicca.

meanwhile, buddhist customs, and certain beliefs, have captivated me. i do very much like the way buddhist services go.

so i have this little mixture.
i find strength in my beliefs because though they are mixed and not specifically under one religion or another, my faith is quite strong. it is the number one thing that has kept me going all these years.

and all i really want is to be a good person. and my faith aides me in that.
so i keep believing.

i really think it's important to believe in something, even if it's not something so supernatural. it doesn't have to be a god or some higher power.
i mean, i guess it can just be yourself, the power you have within you.
but in general, something greater than flesh. if you get know what i mean.

all my love,

Friday, March 5, 2010

behind these eyes

you'll find i'm not much good for anything....except love

i'm feeling better, so let the stars enfold me once more, let the moon crash into me, let pixie dust fill my lungs until i can't breathe, until they explode, until there is a fire in my heart and white light where my eyes used to be.

let the snow melt away under the sunshine, and free my soul as it evaporates to join the sky.

oh, such is life.

i have bizarre, dark dreams, and i miss people. i feel very alone. well, at this moment, i am by myself, if we're not counting my puppy, and i don't mind. i think i'm getting used to the loneliness. maybe? because ever since my brother moved away i haven't had anyone to hang out with.
i'm stuck at my father's house 24/7 basically because even when he goes out, it's with his girlfriend, and he doesn't ever want me along, though he says otherwise.
i get it though. they usually go out to eat and he doesn't want to spend the money on me.
gah..he is such a hypocrite i kinda think. or just a stupid liar. or non-committal when there's no immediate threat. yet he complains. this mostly has to do with his health and weight, which he could do something about, and says he will, but he doesn't. because i'm pretty sure w all know that you can't lose weight if you're going to lay in bed nearly all day and you end up eating almost an entire bag of potato chips. and the excuse is, "Oh, well i can have these."

really? REALLY? R E A L L Y?
wtf. i just shake my head and try not to laugh.
oh, the idiots of the world. because i'm sorry, but my dad can be so stupid about so many things it pretty much drives me crazy. and then when he goes and messes with stuff in my room, moves something and i can't find it, etc, well that really makes me feel like punching him in the face. ugh. it's funny though. we are having a battle concerning showers. i have a routine set up so i end up doing things like i should.
so i was getting up at 6:30am to shower since it's during the time he has the water heater on. well, then he complained that it was waking him up and maybe i should wait till later. so then what? well, i started taking them at 6:45am instead.
but then, oh, he started getting up at 6:40am to take showers. and i thought: really now? what a douche.
so then i made my next move by going back to 6:30am. and guess what? now he's getting in at freaking 6:28am, only 2 minutes before i get up. WTF SERIOUSLY?

lol. so then, i said maybe i would just take them earlier then. and he said NO because he doesn't want to be woken up earlier. it pisses me off. especially because when he goes to take a shower that wakes me up. but haha, i'll get up at 6:20am and take one then. see what happen next. if he complains, well i'll tell him that i figured he would already be awake at that time since he usually takes a shower close to then, and what's 8 minutes anyway if he isn't already awake.
i get to send for transcripts since i need them to put wit my application for school. i also get to take a sot of entrance test, which i think i should be able to pass the first time through.

oh, and i'm also studying now to take my permit test. woo! finally.

anybody who actually reads this is cool. totally awesome, yeah?

all my love,

Thursday, March 4, 2010

and when the stars fall

i keep wait, wait, waiting and still i'm getting nothing.

oh! but he did respond to something today! it wa something unrelated to us, but, none the less, it's significant because it means he's okay with me in some way. so yay! that;s a good sign.

and you have to know, i do realize that waiting and suffering because of it is completely, entirely, utterly worth it to me. so very much when i get the feeling things will work out as i'm hoping.

it might mean i'm in the right place right now. well, not physically, but..hmm...well, in this journey. i'm on the right road, rather.

the sun is oh, so, shining this day. it was stuck behind the clouds, and i started praying while i walked along, on one of my usual half-hour strolls, and i prayed, and then the sun came out into the bright blue sky just as i ended my prayer.
so i don't know if you believe in signs, but i sort of, kind of, maybe do, just a little, and i'd take that as a sign, some type of answer, some kind of meaning.

life can be lovely, i think. even when i'm down.

and i applied for a job today at a pharmacy. low chances of getting it, but hey, it's always worth a shot. at least i'm trying. that counts for something, right?

my heart is all up high right now. because he talked to me. i mean, really, he actually said something. he actually responded.

and that makes all the difference.

i have a renewed fervor for patience in all of this.

wait, they don't love you like i love you.

all my love,

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference.

I'm not really that beautiful. Am I?

so I miss the way I used to feel. That's something I know truly was beautiful. That feeling. So it's something I hope one day I shall feel again. That would be wonderful.

meanwhile, i've made my decision. i'm ditching the online school idea. it's just not for me. it really isn't. i guess i knew that before, but i wanted to make sure. and my father seems to be accepting my choice, even though i overheard him on the phone said something that sounded like he thinks i should do the online thing, but whatever. it's my freaking future.
that reminds me of something else i don't like about him. whenever something happens with me, he's always telling everyone he knows about it. and frankly, i don't need that. plus, then i have nothing to tell people because they already know everything new that's going on. seriously annoying.

oh, and i had a little "WTF" moment when my dad got home from his staff meeting and told me that the pastor just went ahead and made a grooming appointment for my puppy. i mean, sure, she's paying for it, so not too big of a deal, but wtf? like, you're not even going to ask first? i know she bought me the puppy in the first place, but i don't like her just making decisions.
honestly, my puppy doesn't really need to be groomed. his fur isn't even close to being fully grown out yet, so there isn't much to groom. but whatever.

what's worse is, my father does it, too. i told him i have my puppy, Tobi, on a feeding schedule, and that i'll just be in charge of feeding him and giving him water, and he keeps going and randomly feeding him whenever.
and then today, he had a bone leftover from some barbeque steak thing and said something about giving it to Tobi. i told him not to, but what did he do? Well, of course, i went into my room to find Tobi with that bone.
it's just one more thing that feels like i don't get to have any control in my life.
it's my puppy, and my life, in general, and i want that control. but other people keep treating me like a child. it sucks that i'm stuck living with my dad, but at least i should be able to get out next year.

i want my freedom back. really, really, truly.

i can't help but thinking of the peple i miss. the times i miss. all these things, so many things, that i've lost. that are gone.
some things i might not get back.
and that scares me.
it does.

all my love,

Monday, March 1, 2010

the firefly liberation

let me follow the path of the fireflies.

their lights shall lead the way into the stars, where i'll burn up in flight, gliding high above and away from the shadows that cast shackles around my ankles.

their wings shall beat to the rhythm of my heart as it pulls itself together again, all the pieces melting inward, all the love back in bloom.

let me follow the fireflies,

and i'll take you with me.

no satisfaction

i'm just not satisfied with anything these days. oh, and i don't know what it is that makes me that way.
i decided to change my hair, but now that i look at it i find myself seriously missing the way it was. oh well. it'll least.'s March!
i'm kind if excited and kind of not. March gets to be diet month...but oh, it's going to be so tough. i need to lose weight. i'm miserable where i am right now. i'm going to be basically following the south beach diet because that's the only one i've ever tried before that i've lost weight on.

for me, it's really all about control. self control. ugh. it'd sure be easy enough if i only had food in this house that i could eat. but my dad is constantly bringing home all these breads and sweets home and when i see them, my body's instant reaction is "omg sugar!!! gimme gimme gimme! must have it NOW!!!!!"
oh yeah. because i guess i probably have a bit of a sugar addiction. so it's super, super tough, but i'm going to try.
i'll just have to deal when my body freaks out from me not eating so much sugar all the time. it will certainly be interesting.

and so...of course my dad is arguing with me about school. he thinks i should do online courses instead because, well, he has a one track mind. IT'S CHEAPER. oh wow.
seriously though, my dad is cheap. cheaper is better to him, almost no matter what else factors in.
of course, that caught me too though. the price. since it's a good deal cheaper than the other school i could go to.
it's just funny, and stupid, how he talks and has some sort of "attitude" whenever i say, "Well, i'll probably won't do the online school because i don't feel it's right for me." He keeps saying, "You don't have ALL the facts." But the only thing i really don't know is specifically what courses i'll be taking. like that really makes a HUGE difference.
seriously, he needs to stop pissing me off. i can tell he hasn't taken into consideration what it al really means for me, and how well online courses could actually for me. ew. just ew. gtfo already.

Plus, the lady i talked to via phone for online schooling is somewhat a bitch. seriously. you know, i found her to be quite rude at times, and acting like she knew it all, and not really listening to what i was saying about why i thought that online courses might not be such a good thing for me. she pissed me off, too.

so i mean, now i even this negative association with the online thing. it won't keep me from being sensible and choosing it if i really think it's what's best for me. but at the same time..i'm leaning against it.

back to my body issues. i'm really insecure about my weight. everybody tells me i don't look like i weigh as much as i do. but i certainly feel it. and i hate being overweight. i feel fat and ugly. honestly. i just don't like the way i look. i liked how i was back in the beginning of 2009. but gettig back there is going to be tough.

really, truly.

i'll do my best, though.

all my love,