Saturday, June 23, 2012

love is the drug.

i am a disaster. i think i have a problem. because whenever i am home alone i feel broken. i feel lost. i have an obsession with this need to feel loved. always. love is my drug.
it has made many relationships before hurt me more than they should have. it has caused me to stray when love is too far away.

the truest of feelings and i have this intense longing to always have it with me.
amor est spiritus qui nos alet.

i'm a wreck, really. between the emotional up and downs is this lost, scared person. i know myself so well but i falter because i feel like something isn't right. i am only one half of something that makes such perfect sense.

this is the best thing i've ever had. we compliment each other. it is obvious, this is meant to be, if anything ever was. there is never a doubt, a thought that it might not work out.

but i am a prisoner internally to that precious, wonderful feeling.

A long time of going nowhere

So it has been wuite some time since I've had a chance to post here.
And my life has changed drastically.

I'm living my own life. It's awesome. But I feel awful.
It is hard to focus on these good things. I have a job. A place of my "own" not trapped with a neglectful parent. The most wonderful person ever in my life I could imagine to love and live with. A stable job that pays the bills.

But I'm not happy. I can't be. Somewhere in my brain things are shutting down. I am drowning in this sea, suffocated by emotions that are out of nowhere, spiraling into depression after depression.
And it is honestly getting very scary and stressful. I don't know how much longer and I can keep everything under control all on my own without anything or anyone to help me.

I am trying to take a step in the right direction in apply for aid so I can seek professional help. I am considering trying meds again, this time with a much clearer knowledge and more guts to say no when I don't think something is right for me.

something has got to give, at this point. I have to find something. I have been trying lately to focus on my art, on giving myself things to do and ways to calm down and center myself.

I'm worried I will lose my job. Not because I do a bad job, but because I cannot control myself, keep my emotions at bay.

I am terribly stressed about everything. On top of it I have physical health issues that are becoming more severe as well. But my emotions, still it is them that cause the most trouble. It is very difficult to work in this constant roller-coaster state, hoping I will just make it through another day.

It's exhausting. Using everything I have at work to either stay focused or keep myself from crying is wearing on me.

I don't know what else to say. I have all these eloquent thoughts and theories on the world but i cannot find a way to let go. I can't find a way to calm down on my own.
It's easy enough when that someone is there to keep me grounded and tell me I'll be okay. But the rest of the time? I don't know.

This past friday at work was a wake up call for me. I was so out of focus. And once I gained some energy, finally, I went into overdrive and then I really couldn't focus. My manic episodes are getting worse, harder to maintain composure with. I know it's not good when a coworker is telling me I am getting too chatty and need to focus. Because i know that means I am not controlling myself like I need to.

And I am frustrated because I feel like nobody gets it. Nobody understands that it's not so easy to control those things when it's that severe. It's not a simple matter of finding an outlet or using breathing techniques or whatever else is suggested to me.

And I get more frustrated because much of the time whenever I open up and tell someone "hey, I am having these issues and it's getting to me" they are always replying with some comment like they can relate or they have something of a similar nature just as difficult to handle.

But I really don't think anyone that doesn't have some sort of similar emotional disorder can truly appreciate how much energy and strive it takes to do what i do just in getting through the day without making a fool of myself or bringing too much attention to myself.

And that's okay. I accept that. I am actually tired of people saying something as if they can relate because they really can't. And all it does is make me feel worse.

Because it's not just some small thing. This is my life. It's what I will have to deal with no matter what. It's not just a matter of taking a deep breath staying positive.
This is me.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

life goes on.

something constant here with time and that life goes on. no matter where i go or where i fall.
things are always going.
stuck in this day to day struggle from within that is all i know to rely on. happiness is only moments, only when i am whole. the rest of the time, i am still the same.

still the same broken, lost soul trying to find a more permanent escape.

life wears on me as it always has. i need help but i have nowhere to go.

i am hoping i can get insurance eventually and go back into therapy and try again with medications because honestly it would be worth trying. i have realized that i can't really get by and live and enjoy anything like this.

i need to find a way to really live. not just in those precious moments, but always.

each day leaves me more tired. i just need a chance to rest, rest in the quiet. make all the voices and dark thoughts and confusion go away.

i just dont know where to begin.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

holiday sorrows and winter bliss

today another day. and it's holiday season.

winter makes me happy, but the holidays make me feel alone. i get that longing to fall asleep in a cold, winter snow.

love never tasted sweeter, felt more wonderful.
yet i find myself lingering upon a depression i cannot swim away from.

i feel pretty good most of the time. i am much better than i was.
it's just that sinking feeling. just the usual, awful, treacherous cloud in my head.

floods and tunnels and risks.

familiar nightmares do not feel any less frightening.

i'm still having nightmares everynight and having trouble sleeping and feeling depressed.
i started a regimen of supplementation to test it out and see if i get to feeling any more whole.

i slipped on it lately, though.
i started taking a multivitamin, as well as fish oil and b-complex to help balance me up and make me feel less sick all the time and tired. i am also trying to start on melatonin to help me sleep.
i intend to get back on track with all this and keep a journal to track my progress.
i'll post updates here when i have the chance.

i got all flustered trying to figure out christmas presents for everyone. now that i have money, i don't know what to do. i've managed alright so far, though it is a bit overwhelming.

i still have some people to figure out something for. no wonder people wait till last minute for xmas presents.

to be fair, i don't celebrate christmas. but i do celebrate yule and the more festive parts of christmas (and the date) originate from the pagan traditions so i feel pretty comfortable.

i still buy "xmas" presents, but it's really just an excuse to buy things for people.

i am having a lot of fun. i am looking forward to seeing some family i haven't seen in a while, including someone i haven't seen in over a year.

i miss california. i really, really miss my friends there.
some of my friends out there are like no one else, no one can replace them for me and i am glad for what little communication i now have with them. the time i spent with them i cherish so much and it's sad i can't visit.

i wish happy winter fun and holidays and such for everyone.

all my love,

Monday, November 28, 2011

so old it's new

i can't really say it's hard to predict how things will go with my life.
i may be as unpredictable as ever but my life for the most part steadies itself on a wave thats always shifting below or above par.

i am stressed. out. lately.

i don't know what it is for sure. i think it is the stress of my expectations for my own employment as well as someone else's. i think it is the holidays. i think it is a confusion.

a confusion like....i am processing. and processing.
trying to understand what something awesome really means in my life.

i feel pretty lucky because..
as you all know...
it is tough for anyone to understand me.

i mean, really, truly,definitely understand what is going on in my head.

and i finally came across someone who gets it, really gets it, without even trying. i have, finally, someone present consistently to confide in who gets it.

i am confused because i don't know how much this person is supposed to mean to me. i don't know much they may mean to me someday. i don't know what i will do if i manage to push them away.

but i don't know what i will do if i push anyone else close to me away as well.

i really don't know because it is always so scary.

i am trying to figure some things out but i always get stuck in this limbo as usual at every age and every point of time because that is me: forever undecided. unable to make up my mind and settle on something because i'm constantly thinking up the what-if's.

i'm constantly thinking, thinking, and i can't stop thinking because i can't.

and right now i can't sleep because there are nightmares and demons and things.

and i can't relax because my body refuses and i have seizures and fingers chewed until they hurt and bleed and i make my way through this weird state through the day and do what i need to do.

i need more time to think. dang.

all my love,

Friday, November 18, 2011

tricks and diseases

So I haven't mentioned that a month ago...ish? I donated blood for the first time. Finally,my blood pressure and red blood cell count are where they need to be. So I donated.

First time I tried was when I was 16. That was the day i found out I was anemic. I was pretty depressed.

I'm type O negative. I really wanted to be able to donate my blood.

so go figure,
I actually go through the whole process of having the blood drained this time, and i was super happy, and I didn't feel weak afterwards or anything.

So go figure...

I received a letter saying they couldn't use my blood and had to destroy it.


Well, for those of you who don't know, all blood donated is tested for HIV.

So why am I saying this?

Because the screening test they did, the first one, was positive.

But before you're all like, holy oh my gosh what the heck oh no, I will tell you more.

They did a second test, the IFA test, which was indeterminate. Wait...what?
Yes, indeterminate. Not exactly positive, but also not truly negative.


but it gets better.
They did a third test to be more sure. It's the nucleic acid test. Which came out...



Supposedly this test is more accurate since it tests genetic material.

So i probably don't have HIV. Probably not.

The letter advised I should talk with my doctor about it because of the second test being indeterminate.

I don't have a doctor right now, but I'm saving the letter for when I do.

So no, I don't necessarily have HIV.

And I will tell you, it is unlikely that I do. I have not done anything much that would have put me at risk.

I have to say though that the letter upset me, especially at first when the first thing I read was about a positive result for HIV.

That being said, I'm feeling a bit better now.
I always worry too much about things, but i'll be okay.
i have plenty of support here and other places.

i hope everyone is happy and looking forward to Thanksgiving.

all my love,

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

life, the universe, and everything

it has come to my attention that i am terrible at keeping up with anything now that i have a job.

suffice it to say, i love having a job. my job really isn't so bad. a bit boring, but oh well, it's a job. i work in a call center where i talk to dr offices and pharmacies and process faxes all day. not super exciting, but it does use my pharmacy tech certification and knowledge.

furthermore, having a job, while limiting, is also liberating. for the first time in my life, i pay for everything on my own. i am capable of getting everything i need and doing everything i need without any help. i finally have enough food and a place all my own and i get to have fun and also be responsible.

i personally really enjoy this...this being an adult.

honestly, i was scared of being on my own for the first time for real. i was scared of being responsible for all the bills and groceries and etc things in life that i need. but it turns out that i am so much more capable of existing on my own than i realized.

in fact, it seems to suit me quite well.
i am much more confident and happy like this.

now bring in a relationship. one that has lasted for over a year. bring in said person and at first i wasn't so sure. i had settled into my own way of doing things, my own comfortable routine. a routine with lots of freedom, but a routine none the less. i got really comfortable and i was really, really happy.

but reality has to hit you somehow, someway...eventually.
so i face a new challenge: living/sharing with another person and having that added responsibility of being accountable to them.

and i got really upset and disoriented and confused about it.
i've settled a bit now, but i'm a bit unsure.
but i've figured out that i'm kinda like that (while the rest of you knew for years and got irritated about it, haha).

i like being free and doing my own thing and having friends and not having to worry about too much. so i'm trying to figure out if i need that space or if i can find my own way with someone by my side.
whatever i decide, i'm taking my time to really know what i need to do for myself.

meanwhile, i am plagued by nightmares and the return of more severe seizures and i have nothing i can do about them just right now.

i also found a friend. a really good friend right here near where i am to spend time with and talk to who understands me a lot.

it's nice to have people to talk to and have fun with, people who understand and can help if i really need it.
at the same time, i continue to keep from depending too much.

i am constantly keeping awareness to emotions and thoughts and those kinds of things you all know i'm always wrestling with. and trying to keep them in check. and still handling them without any meds. yay!

and i am in a pretty happy place right now. so i'm trying to make it last and make it better when possible.

i'll try to start posting more again. my internet is currently at the mall in a game store where some friends work at, but i'll try to keep up with it anyway.

i miss all of you loyal friends/family/etc peoples that read this that i don't see much and i send my love.

with all my heart,

ps. RAIN. i have used this name for year in secret but i have grown to love it more and more so i go by it around where i am. doesn't mean i hate Heather or anything.