Monday, November 28, 2011

so old it's new

i can't really say it's hard to predict how things will go with my life.
i may be as unpredictable as ever but my life for the most part steadies itself on a wave thats always shifting below or above par.

i am stressed. out. lately.

i don't know what it is for sure. i think it is the stress of my expectations for my own employment as well as someone else's. i think it is the holidays. i think it is a confusion.

a confusion like....i am processing. and processing.
trying to understand what something awesome really means in my life.

i feel pretty lucky because..
as you all know...
it is tough for anyone to understand me.

i mean, really, truly,definitely understand what is going on in my head.

and i finally came across someone who gets it, really gets it, without even trying. i have, finally, someone present consistently to confide in who gets it.

i am confused because i don't know how much this person is supposed to mean to me. i don't know much they may mean to me someday. i don't know what i will do if i manage to push them away.

but i don't know what i will do if i push anyone else close to me away as well.

i really don't know because it is always so scary.

i am trying to figure some things out but i always get stuck in this limbo as usual at every age and every point of time because that is me: forever undecided. unable to make up my mind and settle on something because i'm constantly thinking up the what-if's.

i'm constantly thinking, thinking, and i can't stop thinking because i can't.

and right now i can't sleep because there are nightmares and demons and things.

and i can't relax because my body refuses and i have seizures and fingers chewed until they hurt and bleed and i make my way through this weird state through the day and do what i need to do.

i need more time to think. dang.

all my love,

Friday, November 18, 2011

tricks and diseases

So I haven't mentioned that a month ago...ish? I donated blood for the first time. Finally,my blood pressure and red blood cell count are where they need to be. So I donated.

First time I tried was when I was 16. That was the day i found out I was anemic. I was pretty depressed.

I'm type O negative. I really wanted to be able to donate my blood.

so go figure,
I actually go through the whole process of having the blood drained this time, and i was super happy, and I didn't feel weak afterwards or anything.

So go figure...

I received a letter saying they couldn't use my blood and had to destroy it.


Well, for those of you who don't know, all blood donated is tested for HIV.

So why am I saying this?

Because the screening test they did, the first one, was positive.

But before you're all like, holy oh my gosh what the heck oh no, I will tell you more.

They did a second test, the IFA test, which was indeterminate. Wait...what?
Yes, indeterminate. Not exactly positive, but also not truly negative.


but it gets better.
They did a third test to be more sure. It's the nucleic acid test. Which came out...



Supposedly this test is more accurate since it tests genetic material.

So i probably don't have HIV. Probably not.

The letter advised I should talk with my doctor about it because of the second test being indeterminate.

I don't have a doctor right now, but I'm saving the letter for when I do.

So no, I don't necessarily have HIV.

And I will tell you, it is unlikely that I do. I have not done anything much that would have put me at risk.

I have to say though that the letter upset me, especially at first when the first thing I read was about a positive result for HIV.

That being said, I'm feeling a bit better now.
I always worry too much about things, but i'll be okay.
i have plenty of support here and other places.

i hope everyone is happy and looking forward to Thanksgiving.

all my love,

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

life, the universe, and everything

it has come to my attention that i am terrible at keeping up with anything now that i have a job.

suffice it to say, i love having a job. my job really isn't so bad. a bit boring, but oh well, it's a job. i work in a call center where i talk to dr offices and pharmacies and process faxes all day. not super exciting, but it does use my pharmacy tech certification and knowledge.

furthermore, having a job, while limiting, is also liberating. for the first time in my life, i pay for everything on my own. i am capable of getting everything i need and doing everything i need without any help. i finally have enough food and a place all my own and i get to have fun and also be responsible.

i personally really enjoy this...this being an adult.

honestly, i was scared of being on my own for the first time for real. i was scared of being responsible for all the bills and groceries and etc things in life that i need. but it turns out that i am so much more capable of existing on my own than i realized.

in fact, it seems to suit me quite well.
i am much more confident and happy like this.

now bring in a relationship. one that has lasted for over a year. bring in said person and at first i wasn't so sure. i had settled into my own way of doing things, my own comfortable routine. a routine with lots of freedom, but a routine none the less. i got really comfortable and i was really, really happy.

but reality has to hit you somehow, someway...eventually.
so i face a new challenge: living/sharing with another person and having that added responsibility of being accountable to them.

and i got really upset and disoriented and confused about it.
i've settled a bit now, but i'm a bit unsure.
but i've figured out that i'm kinda like that (while the rest of you knew for years and got irritated about it, haha).

i like being free and doing my own thing and having friends and not having to worry about too much. so i'm trying to figure out if i need that space or if i can find my own way with someone by my side.
whatever i decide, i'm taking my time to really know what i need to do for myself.

meanwhile, i am plagued by nightmares and the return of more severe seizures and i have nothing i can do about them just right now.

i also found a friend. a really good friend right here near where i am to spend time with and talk to who understands me a lot.

it's nice to have people to talk to and have fun with, people who understand and can help if i really need it.
at the same time, i continue to keep from depending too much.

i am constantly keeping awareness to emotions and thoughts and those kinds of things you all know i'm always wrestling with. and trying to keep them in check. and still handling them without any meds. yay!

and i am in a pretty happy place right now. so i'm trying to make it last and make it better when possible.

i'll try to start posting more again. my internet is currently at the mall in a game store where some friends work at, but i'll try to keep up with it anyway.

i miss all of you loyal friends/family/etc peoples that read this that i don't see much and i send my love.

with all my heart,

ps. RAIN. i have used this name for year in secret but i have grown to love it more and more so i go by it around where i am. doesn't mean i hate Heather or anything.