Tuesday, December 20, 2011

holiday sorrows and winter bliss

today another day. and it's holiday season.

winter makes me happy, but the holidays make me feel alone. i get that longing to fall asleep in a cold, winter snow.

love never tasted sweeter, felt more wonderful.
yet i find myself lingering upon a depression i cannot swim away from.

i feel pretty good most of the time. i am much better than i was.
it's just that sinking feeling. just the usual, awful, treacherous cloud in my head.

floods and tunnels and risks.

familiar nightmares do not feel any less frightening.

i'm still having nightmares everynight and having trouble sleeping and feeling depressed.
i started a regimen of supplementation to test it out and see if i get to feeling any more whole.

i slipped on it lately, though.
i started taking a multivitamin, as well as fish oil and b-complex to help balance me up and make me feel less sick all the time and tired. i am also trying to start on melatonin to help me sleep.
i intend to get back on track with all this and keep a journal to track my progress.
i'll post updates here when i have the chance.

i got all flustered trying to figure out christmas presents for everyone. now that i have money, i don't know what to do. i've managed alright so far, though it is a bit overwhelming.

i still have some people to figure out something for. no wonder people wait till last minute for xmas presents.

to be fair, i don't celebrate christmas. but i do celebrate yule and the more festive parts of christmas (and the date) originate from the pagan traditions so i feel pretty comfortable.

i still buy "xmas" presents, but it's really just an excuse to buy things for people.

i am having a lot of fun. i am looking forward to seeing some family i haven't seen in a while, including someone i haven't seen in over a year.

i miss california. i really, really miss my friends there.
some of my friends out there are like no one else, no one can replace them for me and i am glad for what little communication i now have with them. the time i spent with them i cherish so much and it's sad i can't visit.

i wish happy winter fun and holidays and such for everyone.

all my love,

Monday, November 28, 2011

so old it's new

i can't really say it's hard to predict how things will go with my life.
i may be as unpredictable as ever but my life for the most part steadies itself on a wave thats always shifting below or above par.

i am stressed. out. lately.

i don't know what it is for sure. i think it is the stress of my expectations for my own employment as well as someone else's. i think it is the holidays. i think it is a confusion.

a confusion like....i am processing. and processing.
trying to understand what something awesome really means in my life.

i feel pretty lucky because..
as you all know...
it is tough for anyone to understand me.

i mean, really, truly,definitely understand what is going on in my head.

and i finally came across someone who gets it, really gets it, without even trying. i have, finally, someone present consistently to confide in who gets it.

i am confused because i don't know how much this person is supposed to mean to me. i don't know much they may mean to me someday. i don't know what i will do if i manage to push them away.

but i don't know what i will do if i push anyone else close to me away as well.

i really don't know because it is always so scary.

i am trying to figure some things out but i always get stuck in this limbo as usual at every age and every point of time because that is me: forever undecided. unable to make up my mind and settle on something because i'm constantly thinking up the what-if's.

i'm constantly thinking, thinking, and i can't stop thinking because i can't.

and right now i can't sleep because there are nightmares and demons and things.

and i can't relax because my body refuses and i have seizures and fingers chewed until they hurt and bleed and i make my way through this weird state through the day and do what i need to do.

i need more time to think. dang.

all my love,

Friday, November 18, 2011

tricks and diseases

So I haven't mentioned that a month ago...ish? I donated blood for the first time. Finally,my blood pressure and red blood cell count are where they need to be. So I donated.

First time I tried was when I was 16. That was the day i found out I was anemic. I was pretty depressed.

I'm type O negative. I really wanted to be able to donate my blood.

so go figure,
I actually go through the whole process of having the blood drained this time, and i was super happy, and I didn't feel weak afterwards or anything.

So go figure...

I received a letter saying they couldn't use my blood and had to destroy it.


Well, for those of you who don't know, all blood donated is tested for HIV.

So why am I saying this?

Because the screening test they did, the first one, was positive.

But before you're all like, holy oh my gosh what the heck oh no, I will tell you more.

They did a second test, the IFA test, which was indeterminate. Wait...what?
Yes, indeterminate. Not exactly positive, but also not truly negative.


but it gets better.
They did a third test to be more sure. It's the nucleic acid test. Which came out...



Supposedly this test is more accurate since it tests genetic material.

So i probably don't have HIV. Probably not.

The letter advised I should talk with my doctor about it because of the second test being indeterminate.

I don't have a doctor right now, but I'm saving the letter for when I do.

So no, I don't necessarily have HIV.

And I will tell you, it is unlikely that I do. I have not done anything much that would have put me at risk.

I have to say though that the letter upset me, especially at first when the first thing I read was about a positive result for HIV.

That being said, I'm feeling a bit better now.
I always worry too much about things, but i'll be okay.
i have plenty of support here and other places.

i hope everyone is happy and looking forward to Thanksgiving.

all my love,

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

life, the universe, and everything

it has come to my attention that i am terrible at keeping up with anything now that i have a job.

suffice it to say, i love having a job. my job really isn't so bad. a bit boring, but oh well, it's a job. i work in a call center where i talk to dr offices and pharmacies and process faxes all day. not super exciting, but it does use my pharmacy tech certification and knowledge.

furthermore, having a job, while limiting, is also liberating. for the first time in my life, i pay for everything on my own. i am capable of getting everything i need and doing everything i need without any help. i finally have enough food and a place all my own and i get to have fun and also be responsible.

i personally really enjoy this...this being an adult.

honestly, i was scared of being on my own for the first time for real. i was scared of being responsible for all the bills and groceries and etc things in life that i need. but it turns out that i am so much more capable of existing on my own than i realized.

in fact, it seems to suit me quite well.
i am much more confident and happy like this.

now bring in a relationship. one that has lasted for over a year. bring in said person and at first i wasn't so sure. i had settled into my own way of doing things, my own comfortable routine. a routine with lots of freedom, but a routine none the less. i got really comfortable and i was really, really happy.

but reality has to hit you somehow, someway...eventually.
so i face a new challenge: living/sharing with another person and having that added responsibility of being accountable to them.

and i got really upset and disoriented and confused about it.
i've settled a bit now, but i'm a bit unsure.
but i've figured out that i'm kinda like that (while the rest of you knew for years and got irritated about it, haha).

i like being free and doing my own thing and having friends and not having to worry about too much. so i'm trying to figure out if i need that space or if i can find my own way with someone by my side.
whatever i decide, i'm taking my time to really know what i need to do for myself.

meanwhile, i am plagued by nightmares and the return of more severe seizures and i have nothing i can do about them just right now.

i also found a friend. a really good friend right here near where i am to spend time with and talk to who understands me a lot.

it's nice to have people to talk to and have fun with, people who understand and can help if i really need it.
at the same time, i continue to keep from depending too much.

i am constantly keeping awareness to emotions and thoughts and those kinds of things you all know i'm always wrestling with. and trying to keep them in check. and still handling them without any meds. yay!

and i am in a pretty happy place right now. so i'm trying to make it last and make it better when possible.

i'll try to start posting more again. my internet is currently at the mall in a game store where some friends work at, but i'll try to keep up with it anyway.

i miss all of you loyal friends/family/etc peoples that read this that i don't see much and i send my love.

with all my heart,

ps. RAIN. i have used this name for year in secret but i have grown to love it more and more so i go by it around where i am. doesn't mean i hate Heather or anything.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

in all honesty.

i can't expect people to understand what i've found in my life.

i recognize what a gift this is, to have a found a love so great. most people don't experience this. this feeling is like no other. two people so apart of each other. so perfect for each other. that is how we both feel.

love has never been so easy and yet so trying and so awesome, for me.

the best part of this is how we effect each other, how when we're together it's really the best medicine there is.

it's strange yet so simple, you know? that week i spent with my love by my side, just allowing ourselves to live for once....i never felt so stable. i had a very minimal amount of mood swings. i felt more calm. very little anxiety or stress.

i felt free.

and even better, it's the same way for this person i'm with. we have this effect on each other. everything just works. i was scared to be in a relationship with distance, but it's really just fine because we make it work. we are so intertwined, stuck together till the very end.

that's why i'm not afraid to speak my mind, to be open about things, even my past with other people. chances are, anything i ever write here, i've already told my love about.

we are strong enough to handle those things, and i'm glad because our past relationships partly shape how we are with later ones and it's important to be able to understand each other like we do.

that way, we fully and truly love each other. we become untouchable. there is no turmoil within the threads that we've sewn together because we didn't let fear get the best of us. we have trudged on with courage and hope and dedication.

i really think we're amazing.

so i don't expect you to understand. you may try, or you may think you get it, but you aren't feeling this like i am.

and that's okay. i am me, not you, and i'm happy it's like that. i never expected you to understand, i just wanted to express my feelings, my thoughts, and let the world judge me, or my family or my friends judge me, as they will.

it doesn't change a thing.

this love conquers all.

with all my heart,


i am happy.

fluffy dreams of bubblegum and cherry trees and sunshine.

walks below a clear blue sky and swimming in a crystal clear lake and dancing to the sweetest songs.

nobody can pull me down.

rainbows and unicorns and fairytales.

i love my job. my home. my life.

these days are the best, and always will be.

you see, i am me. free to go with the wind.

warms words and joyful thoughts. and love is easy, isn't it?

i don't need to explain myself.

Friday, June 24, 2011

the spell that keeps me here with you

when i make promises and i'm being very serious about them, i am bound to them. in the sense that, no matter how messed up i'm feeling, how much i'm freaking out, or how far off the path i've gone, if i am considering doing anything that would somehow break these promises i feel a force pulling me away from such notions.

it feels strange, but i'm glad i am like that because there have been times where that trigger is the only thing that has caused to me to turn back, to look back and see that i need to keep going, no matter how much pain i'm in.

there is someone out there who i promised i would never leave, not of my own accord anyway. so every time i walk away, if i get too close to really staying away, that little click in my head is the switch that makes me turn around.

love is the answer.

i found that there is someone i can be with who gives me stability. i don't know how. i'd like to say it's magic. life is full of magic.

maybe some people don't believe in magic. but i do. it's everywhere. and it gives me hope for the world. it's something really special and good for all of us. there is magic for everyone, i believe, if they choose to see it, to let it be whatever it will be.

all my love,

Thursday, June 23, 2011

incumbent flux

a prisoner of my own head.

i love my life. i love where things are headed because it holds a lot of promise. it has come down to just surviving, for now.

i have a temporary escape from the stresses i was facing before. getting away and being with family and having people to talk to, this is nice.

my problem is my own brain, chemically imbalanced as it is. things are starting to drag me down and i am falling back on my old habit of hiding it because i don't know what should be said and how i will be treated if i let these things show.

i'm afraid. it's not easy to be sitting here trying to push these feelings away. it's tough because there isn't some underlying issue for me to face, to work out. i'm stuck with this for the rest of my life and only one thing really helps and that's too far away for the moment.

i want to be alive again. really life. really feel. break free from this chaos.
at least i don't have too much longer to wait for salvation.

all my love,

Sunday, June 12, 2011

adventures of summer

i'm having an interesting summer so far. exciting, though.

my graduation ceremony is on Thursday. i'm not big on the whole thing, but i know a lot of people are anxious to see me.

next day, i'm headed out on the road with my buddy (my awesome grandmother) and we are going to oklahoma. taking the doggies with us, too. i just went for the rabies shot today, and had to walk home afterwards, the whole 3 miles or so almost entirely uphill to get back to my house a little after noon. not so fun, but i do what i have to do.

been pushing myself a lot lately to see how far i can go. exploring the area a bit. walking all over the places, up to 10 miles in one day, even.

and thanks to the generosity of a friend, i was finally able to get the tattoo i wanted (the concept of which changed little since about 15 years ago when i first decided i wanted it). i was nervous about it, worried it would hurt, but honestly it didn't hurt much at all and only took about an hour to be completed. the first time the needle hit my skin i though..."really? that's it?" i guess i psyched myself out a bit and thought it would hurt. part of my nervousness was due to the location,, on my upper back, where i sometimes have spasms, but all was well, and i am super happy with the results.

i am very much looking forward to this trip and seeing some family and getting away from the biodad (who only complains more and more as time goes on).

don't know where i'm headed yet. it would be nice to find a decent job in the area so i could stick around here (i really need to find something that will enable me to live on my own). i keep trying, but i haven't had too much luck.

i wish you all well.

all my love,

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

horror stories for twisted hearts. bedtimes stories of my youth.

i cannot say who this is about. no. most of you will guess, and most will get it wrong.

but you were beautiful. you were, once. back when i was younger, when i was only a child who didn't really know for sure. no, not really. back when there was no "God" up in heaven because YOU were God. to me. you were everything. the sun rose with your haunted limbs and fell back down as you threw yourself into an oblivion. life was a breath of air fueled by the oxygen you supplied as you coasted along through the halls and led us like sheep through our adventures to nowhere. journeys with no meaning. the best kind. sometimes it's more fun to not have any goals in mind. sometimes, it's better to just be.

but sometimes,
it's better, it was, to carve swords from splintered woods and beat me down for all my sins of never being a free bird, for always clinging to your shadow in spite of all the barbed wire and high voltage circuits that it cast upon me. sometimes, you were a demon, a devil, and i was all too happy to worship you as if you'd never changed from what you were just moments ago. i was all too happy to bask in the warm glow of your burning rage, the fire flowing through your veins, the chaos that carried on.

you see, i didn't know any better, i would say. we know that isn't true, but our fabricated hopes were all we had. all we could claim.
when the truth is, i loved you. i loved you, so, to a point of obsession. sometimes, i wondered if you knew that. or if you ever realized it afterwards.

for all the times i gave into your selfish desires and never whispered a word of disobedience, i wonder if you ever caught on. or if that's why you did it in the first place. if you knew from the start that i was your puppet, there to be manipulated if ever it was your will. there to be punished. there to be ruined.

but you loved me, i know. and it tormented you, late at night. you would curse yourself for doing what you did to me. yet, in the morning, bring the sunrise once again. and you fell into your usual tricks, your habitual traps. and i played your games because it was all i could do. i didn't know how else to show you, didn't know how else i could prove my flawless, yet wretched, loyalty.

and i never spoke a word.

never. though so many times, in the quiet moments where you hovered over my delicate, feeble form, as you feasted on my raw, timid flesh. it was in those moments i always fought my desperation, my deepest desire to whisper "i love you."


Monday, June 6, 2011

from what i've tasted of desire, i hold with those who favor fire

a lot has been going through my head lately.
past lovers. lost friends. new family.
those who i leave behind, and those who i start a new life with.
the mistakes i've made, the path i've taken, the trial along the way.
nothing that was ever worth it was ever obtained easily.

we're holding on. it's beautiful. i've found a reason for me. to keep going, keep growing, keep holding on. every day is a new adventure, a new challenge, a new existence. we are brave and we are bold. we wave goodbye to those who call us fools, and sail off into the horizon as champions of what once was lost, abandoned, forsaken.

i have never been so certain of where i want to be, yet so uncertain of what i will do.

i have come to accept that the majority of people who i wish could understand never will. and that's okay. it's time to be proud of who i am, the person i've decided to be. these choices are my own and i am happy with them.

i think a lot about so many things. i have a lot of worries to cover at this particular time. but i know if i keep pushing forward i will make it somehow. now that i have what i always wanted most, the rest won't be so scary.

all my love,

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

a fragile shadow in a dark, dark world

flood my ears with song, let me escape the moronic devil, he who rules over my pathetic prison cell. my flowers fail to bloom, buds turning black in the face of uncertain doom, and the window leaves little in the way of dreaming.

home is a nightmare, a hole where i am sinking fast into the earth without a hand to pull me out again. the ghosts are seeping into my veins and i feel them feeding like parasites at the base of my skull.

my shining star, my guardian angel, too far to reach me, sends love for all these tears. but these words i barely feel as my own voice slowly fades away. i try to speak again, but my thoughts are drowned by the beast itself.

there was never any hope to begin with. i was always too naive.

Monday, May 16, 2011

drown in your love.

in case anyone missed it, my last blog was me being positive.

today i got to participate in a thing with MHA and do a painting with the theme of wellness. i have to put another hour or so into my painting before it's finished. I got really into it. i love being very symbolic in my art. i like little details that have meaning. every part of this painting has some sort of meaning to me.

i did a painting about self-love. loving yourself even though you've been broken down. even if you feel ugly. even if life seems pointless. self-love.


it has been the most difficult challenge in my life. learning to love myself.

some people in my life told me that i could never truly love someone else without truly loving myself first. initially, i thought maybe they were right. but then i found out they were wrong. at least, in my case. because i realize that i have really loved others, with every part of me, every bit of my heart, even in the times where i didn't like myself much at all. where i didn't really love myself i learned to love others, and in turn, eventually learned through these other people to love myself.

sometimes i still don't really love myself though. and i realize that is mostly my brain being strange. or the others inside of me. and that's okay.

it's kinda disappointing when people disregard my positivity and snap up whatever i say when i'm feeling bad. this isn't directed at anyone in particular. it happens a lot with people. plenty of people focus too much on the negative and not enough on the positive. i used to be one of those people. now i'm not, and i'm helping pull out someone else who still is. :)

it's a happy feeling.

all my love,

Thursday, May 12, 2011

it's the way i am, it's in the way you tore my heart

and where there is hurt.

and where there is anger.

and where the sadness stills my heart.

and where the loneliness kills me.

two people are only one person and we are together always and i love.

i dream. i hope.

i believe.

i am compassionate. forgiving. caring. loving.
i may tell you that i do not like one person or another, but i will always help anyone in their time of need.
why? because i love.

do not mistake what i say. i try to point out that i know that i am loved and cared for and somehow it gets missed.

biodad badly sprained his foot and can't walk. so.
i made breakfast and took it up to him. poured him a glass of orange juice. put ice pack in freezer and took it back to him once it was cold enough. keep asking if he needs anything.

this is me.
i love my friends and family. but i also love my enemies. there is not enough love going around in the world to spend any time intent on hating others and making them miserable.

i have feeling enough to recognize that i feel bitter, even angry, when people hurt me or mistreat me, or disrespect me, or betray my trust.
but i have heart enough to know i can't intentionally hurt anyone, even my enemies.

once somebody is my friend, they are my friend for life.

life-time benefits package for friends of me, i sometimes think of it.

even the person who i might say hurt me more than anyone else-if he called me (and he only would if he really needed to) i would answer and do what i could for him.

hate, loathing, grudges....these are a waste of my time.

love, compassion, forgiveness...these are part of my heart. my soul. my being.

i'm depressed, but i see through it. maybe that wasn't clear.
i use this as an outlet. as a way to get my feelings out there. as a record of how i speak in every type of feeling. it helps me learn and grow and get through my feelings.

but i'm educated enough, experienced enough at this time to know better.to see what it is for what it is and do the best i can. which i think these days is much better than what i could do before.

i don't know what changed in the past year that people stopped really talking to me.
sitting there watching a relative of mine cry because someone else in our family who she loves and cares about deeply won't talk to her...it got me thinking. i have, for years and years, held family as one of the most important things in life. it's the main reason why, though i knew others would not like it, that i made the effort to keep in touch with my biodad over the years. it's the reason as a child that i often pushed my own hurts and haunts aside to do what i thought was best for the family, to keep us together, to avoid more turmoil. that's why i never spoke up about what was really going on, how much i was being hurt. sure, part of it was fear because i was too young to understand that i wouldn't be punished further for telling someone, but more so it was my desire to keep our family together.

it's part of why i keep blogging, even. when i realized that this blog could be a way for me to speak up and be heard by my family, it got even better. i may not always like what people comment on my blogs, or when they miss something in a blog i thought was vital to see, but i am happy to have a voice, when before i felt like a mute.

there is love. and where there is love, there is me. my heart.

all my love,

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

home is where the heart is.

the white face that chased away your dreams has found it's home on the blank canvas. the silent silhouette of your childhood lingers on the south end of the last street you remembered. a rain drop and a tear drop are the same.

bleeding fingers and bruised bones; these things i'm never lacking, dear. i'm picking scabs, tracing scars, and breaking my soul apart again. i'm dancing away off the cliff and finding belonging in the emptiness, the melancholy of an endless blue sky.

those you once knew. the woman with the fair hair and bright eyes. the child always screaming in the afternoon. the girl who seemed to know her place was nowhere. the boy who ran too far and fell into darkness.

a heart on my sleeve is what i offer up now, in these days i keep counting down. it has been beaten and broken and lost and forsaken, but it is yours for the taking. i'm am a ghost, your ghost, the ghost of a distant past.

home never stayed in one place. and never stayed long enough for you to recognize. you saw it once, you thought, but you could never really be sure. you never really felt it.

i am here. heart and soul and mind and body. love and hate and kindness and fear. here i am, to hold your hand. i am where you belong. you are where i rest in peace.

lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me

i've been stuck in a depression for quite some time now. normally it would do much worse, but i have such a shining light in my life right now that it's not as daunting as it has been in the past.

still, i am feeling it. i keep crying a lot. i feel distant and lonely and misplaced and lost and confused and constantly questioning myself.

this has become the life and times of a girl dealing with DID and i am getting sick of it at times because time seems all mixed up and i'm afraid to make new friends because people won't understand or know how to deal with it.

there's nothing i can do.

i'm fighting to keep my head above the surface of this sea. hoping i can make it through the day. each day, i tell myself i just have to get through the day. it starts over with each tomorrow.

and i'm unmotivated. and anxious. and muddled. blah.

i know it sucks to hear this. i keep wondering what has happened.

i've been putting on a brave face for everyone. because i know this is just my head, that nothing is truly wrong but my insides, and they are sucking me in with them, and it's hard to fight them.

but i refuse to give in. i feel like cutting. or smoking. or some stupid shit to just de-stress and feel horribly guilty about later. ugh.

someone pointed something out to me, made me see, that maybe i don't want to be apart of my family. maybe i feel like they won't accept me for me and it's better to just move on and a find a new group of people to call family and forget where i came from.

suggesting that family is the people you keep the closest or the people you pick to be around you....that home is where your heart is, so pack your bags because it never stays in one place for too long.

and i want to fly away. but one wing is not enough. and the other will never grow back.

but i think.
i think we are dreamers, lovers, we will fight for this, and we will fall, but we will be together.
i believe.

with all my heart,

i'm becoming another ghost.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


i was meaning to write a blog directed specifically at mother's day, but something else found its way in.

had some talks with various people regarding connections to family and such.
this may upset some people, but i feel like speaking up and sharing how i feel because that's exactly what this blog is about. giving me a voice where i feel i didn't have one before.

i have often felt like the odd one out in my family. in a family, especially my immediate family, that does not conform to the typical standards societies has for families/people, i feel like i don't belong. not quite. i grew up with people who all stand out on their own for various reasons. generally speaking, we are all intelligent, capable, loving, fun, hilarious, good people.

but even against the rest of my family, i feel like i stand out. throughout my life i've hit a lot of different phases, different extremes, etc. and i'm the one with all the issues health-wise, both physically and mentally. i'm the crazy, sickly, outlandish one. whatever.

i don't see it to that extreme necessarily, but i feel oddly different and disconnected from the rest of my family. and though lately i've gotten closer to what might be considered "normal" i actually feel more distant from them than ever before. this is actually due to a lack of interaction with them recently. i honestly don't remember the last time i had a conversation with anyone except the oldest of my two sisters, who i converse with on a fairly regular basis despite her being super busy finishing up her freshman year in college. besides getting answers to general questions, i never hear from my mother anymore. i think this hurt me more because i understand why i don't hear much from my dad or other sister or even my brother. there are various things at play with them that keep them from talking to me more often, although i was much happier when i heard from my brother much more often.

i always felt very close to my sibling growing up. despite being outed, despite getting stuck doing a lot of work on their behalf, i was always very fond of them. there were plenty of good times. we always had four people to play videogames. we did lots of fun things together. we stuck together. made sure nobody fell behind too much. stuff like that.

we were all cool kids. and smart. and unique.

i felt a lot for my siblings. some of my feelings were misplaced, unhealthy, but it was all i knew. when you're young, you don't understand that more should be said/done about things. you don't understand proper relationships(most people as adults don't either though, but as children it's worse). you don't understand what you should or shouldn't do.

but as a child, with a single mother busy with her job to support her children, i fell into place watching over/taking care of my younger sisters. my brother, as the years went on, became more and more absent, though i viewed this as a good thing as he was hitting his early emotionally-chaotic teenage years. i was always checking to make sure my sisters got enough to eat, got homework done, were helped when they needed it, got done what they needed to, etc.

i learned to cook at an early age.

i also did a lot of the cleaning around the house.

this is all mainly when we lived in MD.

i am not bitter or angry that it was this way for me. that i held so much responsibility. sometimes i feel sad when i think how i spent more time with such responsibilities than actually enjoying my childhood and making friends. but at school i got picked on/bullied a lot and felt like an outcast anyway. so i wasn't exactly upset i wasn't getting more chances to spend time with those people.

i was a really lonely child. but i didn't feel like it. i felt more like a concerned sister. i felt even more like a desperate mother trying to do her best for her loved ones.

YES. that is how i felt. i have talked to some people about this, how i felt somewhat like a mother to my sisters. i was afraid before to ever mention this. i have felt really hurt in having to be so far away and missing out on a lot of things with my sisters ever since i went away for college and eventually left my home in CA for good.

i never wanted to steal any spotlight away from our own mother, though, by bringing up these things. and i never wanted to weird out my sisters by telling them. but i feel the need to get these feelings out. i'm tired of holding onto them. i wanted to set them free.

because you see, i'm no longer afraid of my family thinks of me. because i feel like it couldn't really get much worse. right now, i am mourning over this realization: that i am not really apart of my family now. it keeps making me cry ever since i started working through it in thoughts saturday night.

i miss my family terribly. i keep wishing i would somehow have the chance to see them this summer. but i know it won't happen. and even if i did, i feel like the distance is a permanent thing. this feeling may never be changed.

i love my family dearly. there is nobody i love more than possibly my significant other, but that's a different kind of love, in a sense. nothing is quite like the love for my family.

i just feel estranged now. estranger. estrangier. extraneare. extraneus.

with all my heart,

i know there are those of you, dearest family, who read this. to you, i say: I love you and I mean no harm by what I'm saying here. You all know me well enough to know that, I think. And I know you all care. And I know you all love me. So don't take this the wrong way.

Monday, May 2, 2011

breathing in dreams

i am happy.

despite a whole freaking mess due to trusting one person i shouldn't have, i am happy.

because i still have what matters most, the most amazing other half i could ever dream of. because we are staying together. because everything always works out. ALWAYS.

seriously, so it has been almost six months. we hit a bit of a rough patch for a bit but realized we can't live without each other.

i seriously think i might be with the person i will be with for the rest of my life. just because everything always works. we raise voices and get pissed off at each other, you know? but like...not over anything really serious. and then when we do we always end up talking it out and feeling so much better afterward. it's important to get frustrations out and we never stay mad or hold grudges about shiz. and we always help each other out when we can, however we can. and we make each other better people.

i have found someone that, when i'm around him, i feel stable. like the chaos in my head all quiets down and i can just be myself and everything is fine. the mood swings are still there but nowhere near as severe. personality flops are minimal and more controlled.
i just feel so calm and level when i'm around him. i can think straight and stay focused. i don't even bite my nails much at all just because there is no anxiety or worry or anything. i am able to sit still and just be.

this is really significant for me. most of the time i feel like i must always keep my hands occupied, must always be doing something, gotta keep running. with my thoughts all over the place and i can't hardly sort them out.

and he motivates me to be a better person. not just because he pushes me to do so, but really because he makes me feel like i really can be a better person and the happiness i feel with him makes me want to be a better person.

he makes me feel beautiful just as i am. i am constantly changing the way i dress, my hair color, etc but he always embraces these things.

he never panics or walks away when i start to freak out or get really moody or feel really weak. he's always on top of it, doing everything he came to help me in those times. always. without hesitation. and he never complains about it, no matter how much i get that way. the way he is makes me feel like i'm really not a burden at all.

and there is positive change with him as well. just in the time i have known him, he has become more positive, confident, motivated, sensible, hardworking, etc. people around him, friends and family, have noticed this change. have noticed how happy he is. and like what they see.

i got to meet his family and friends during my trip to NC back in April. they were all very nice to me and seem like really good people. i felt completely at ease being down in NC for a whole week, despite having never been there before, and only really knowing a couple of people beforehand.

so yeah. i think i found me a keeper. we intend to make this last for a long, long time. not sure where we'll end up. i might move closer to him, or he might move closer to me. it mostly depends on how job stuff turns out. i am really looking forward to my life though, now that i've found what i looked for so many years.


on a side note, i dyed my hair blonde. and it looks pretty good. i want to lose about 15 pounds so i am thinking of going on a diet possibly. i also intend to start working out a little to gain some muscle tone because that's more of what i'm lacking.

i feel healthier lately. for whatever reason. i've been doing what i can to stay healthy. hypoglycemia was kicking my ass for a bit but that seems to be getting better since i started eating light snacks more often. i've also been taking vitamins and a chinese herb and i walk a lot more.
i'm excited because my stamina is returning. i walked at least 6 miles the other day and it didn't wear me down at all, when before i would walk two miles and feel tired.

normally, with recent events, i would be freaking out and feel awful and depressed and such, but i don't feel like that right now. i'm just so excited about the future. it's going to be totally awesome.

all my love,

Thursday, April 28, 2011

dancing into insanity

i watched Black Swan yesterday.
i have to say...i really love this movie. but if you haven't seen it, be warned, it might mess with your head a little.

i'm always affected emotionally by movies i watch, books i read, etc. so this movie definitely got to me. but i love movies like that. the concepts involved, the view of ballet in such a sense...it was amazing.

in contrast, i am finally finishing up reading the first book in the Hitchhiker's Guide trilogy, this being my third attempt to read and actually finish it.

life is life. cake is cake. of which i have none.
but i do have Easter candy.

still looking for a job. i've even applied to openings for jobs not in my field at some of the pharmacy stores like CVS, but i'm not even having luck with that. I think my lack of experience is a problem, perhaps.

i can't seem to convince anyone to stay away from me. i can tell them i'm crazy, but what do they care? they don't believe i'm really crazy. yet.

i kind of wish i could be better at pushing people away when i feel like i need to. but i can't bring myself to say any harsh words. i'm always so honest with myself and my friends that when i calmly explain to them that i need space and don't want to be too close they don't take me seriously enough.
since i'm passive the only thing i think i might be able to do is ignore people for a while. i don't know.
everything is always so complicated when it comes to interactions with people.

i am hoping to find some inspiration soon to create some really awesome art again. i feel so close to something great...i just need to find it and capture it long enough to get it out on paper.

emotionally...i am...not really sure where i am. it's the same thing as it has been before. i am happy with my life but moment-to-moment i feel depressed and unmotivated. nothing seems fun anymore. i'm getting too cynical again.

there is but one brightly shining light in my life and i'm holding fast to it, but my spirit still feels too fleeting. i'll stay strong until my strength is all gone though.

all my love,

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

just call me naive

i honestly never thought about the fact that men around my parents' age would be attracted to me.

now that i look back on this, with what recently happened, that was kind of stupid of me.

i'm finding that being exceptionally attractive (at least according to all these other people) is troublesome. it's nice that all these people think i'm pretty. it makes me feel good about myself physically, but i'm tired of so many people coming after me for it. trying to make moves on me. and etc.

i get a lot of stares. i can be wearing sweatpants, hoodie, sneakers, no make-up...and still get lots of stares. my sister knows exactly what i'm talking about. i guess it's what happens, considering our mother is just so very pretty and biodad isn't exactly hideous (though my real father has him beat).

anyway, with such genetics at play, it's not really a surprise that me, as well as all three siblings, are particularly attractive people. and i know i'm not the only one getting frustrated about the whole deal, from what i've heard from a sister of mine. we've both had trouble trying to stay single when it seems like so many guys (and girls in some cases) all want a shot.

really though, it's a good thing. i've realized that being wanted by so many means that i can be picky and find someone really worth my while. which i honestly really believe i already have. i am very happy with who i am with. we've had trouble here and there, but i know for sure who i want to end up with and i feel really good about that.

in the meantime, however, i am stuck dealing with these people around me who can't seem to get it into their heads that i am not interested, no matter how clearly i state it.

i am handling it well enough though. staying out of trouble as best i can.

but i keep asking the same question: "Who are my real friends, then?"

all my love,

Thursday, April 14, 2011

in the whole scheme of things

i had such a wonderful trip down to NC. very, very wonderful. really brought back a lot of hope into my heart about my life. not everything goes according to plans but the end result is as desired.

i trip and fall into a ditch. i don't always trust the right people. bad things happen. really bad things. i'm pushing this little thing aside. my head is a bit fuzzy about the details anyway and i don't need the drama in pursuing the unlikely chance that the person in question is dealt with. so i'm dropping it and cutting him out. it's the best thing i can do.

i'm planning on applying to an opening at CVS. it's a regular 3rd shift position but it'll get me some income at least, which i desperately need as my biodad continues to skimp on buying adequate food at times. plus I can apply to a pharm tech position at the same time anyway, so...

there is so much going on. what. the. fuck.
tornadoes down in NC. lots of them. i was just down there, and the fact that my dearest friend ever was so close to being one of the many injured/dead from said tornadoes freaked me out quite a bit. one really strange panic attack either(i skipped all the hyperventilating and actually panicking and moved straight into feeling like i was dying) and then i'm sitting in my bed talking and thanking the powers that be that we are all still here together.

by the way, i came home and noticed that in the week i was gone my puppy gained weight. my good tweezers are missing. clothes hung haphazardly and inside-out in my closet(curse my being all ocd about it) and my bottle of agave nectar is also missing...and the tub the puppy stays in when everyone is away smelled like he peed a lot in it (like he was taken out often enough) and etc.
i wasn't really surprised by any of this though...just peeved as usual.

i like getting up in the mornings and easing into things. my biodad expects me to be waking up at 6am every morning and start working on things immediately for some reason. despite my continuous efforts to explain that i like to just chill in the mornings when i can and such, he continues to whine about me not doing anything in the morning. (well gee, i'm sorry i don't end up sleeping much at night and therefore spend a lot of time in the morning lying in bed trying to rest).

um...i have no idea. kind of pissed at some people right now. wishing i could just ignore them. stop caring. need to stay focused on my own goals. getting away and getting a life.

i'm only more sure about what i want now. which makes me feel quite good, actually.

all my love,

Monday, April 4, 2011

the one-winged angel, the fallen star

sometimes i'm too afraid to get close. sometimes i push people away.

this is my curse. and yet it's also my super power. i am an empath.
( i found this article about empaths: everything mentioned in this article pretty much applies to me and may help anyone trying to understand me.

the world is a confusing place. imagine if you could hear people's thoughts, but you heard them all at the same time. it would be overwhelming and difficult to make out anything you were hearing, wouldn't it?

well, this is sort of similar. but instead of hearing thoughts from everyone around me, i am feeling what they feel. it is a troublesome existence. and one that i feel like i am losing myself to, at times. i get so caught up in the emotions of others, it's difficult to recognize my own. and it hurts.

i have a yearning to understand people, to give a story to what i am feeling from others. so i listen. i listen to their stories.

i have heard so many things. so many secrets that i would never ever share. but they do not feel like burdens.

i love everyone. family. friends. enemies. strangers. EVERYONE.

i can't help it.

but the pain of the world is so strong.

(i just realized something. i can't believe the best reference to something that has occurred recently comes from Twilight, but whatever. A short explanation for those of you who have not read the book or seen the movie-Edward can hear everyone's thoughts. Then one day, Bella shows up. And for some reason, unlike everyone else, Edward cannot hear Bella's thoughts. On top of it, he is strangely very drawn to her. he gets both very frustrated and intrigued by this whole situation. I have recently had something similar occur. i have met someone whose feelings i cannot seem to feel, when everyone else's i still can. and i don't know what to do about it.)

anyway, back to what i was saying. more than anything, pain always shows through. i can tell when someone is hurting deep down, holding onto some dark secret that keeps bugging them because they have confessed it to nobody. i am usually the one to bring about that confession.

but everything is beautiful. people. animals. nature. the world.

it's sensitivity. i am so very sensitive to the world around me that i feel often like i am drowning in it.

i know this is where all my confusion comes from. why i am so unsure of my own feelings. i am drawing from the feelings of people around me so much i can barely recognize my own. it often leaves me feeling hollow. i feel like i have no room to feel on my own.

i have trouble at parties. too much noise. chaos. feelings everywhere. i am bombarded. it makes me feel really tired. dizzy. lost.

i am faced with a challenge here. choices. i have to take this journey to find my true self and my true feelings. it means giving myself a chance to be alone. but i am so very, very afraid of being alone.


all my love,


Thursday, March 31, 2011


what is the half-life of the human spirit?

it is possible to live broken when all the pieces still work. it is possible to wear your heart on your sleeves when it's made of paper and glass. it is possible to fall down and stand up again as someone new. it is possible life is pointless, that there is nothing more.

i believed in yesterday when his fingers found mine, when his eyes pierced through the mask i've been wearing so long i forget it's even there. I believed in the tomorrow, the sense that i am headed in the right direction, despite wandering aimlessly through the woods in the twilight.

each fragment has a heart piece. each piece can be given away until nothing is left. each piece can come together if only everyone would agree, just once.

sitting in the woods, legs numb and hands shaking, wanting to disappear. but before it's too late, there is someone out there. searching but not finding. but i find the will to lift my legs and slowly find my way.

this is hopeless. something has to give. at some point. i am lost in this sea. the confusion and lack of solid ground have led me into darkness.

what is next? how many souls have found my light and hated that they couldn't keep it all for their own?

angels are supposed to have wings.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

butterflies and skipped beats

the boy that goes searching in the woods to find you, lost and broken. he keeps telling you everything will be okay. but how does he know? you are asking him questions and he puts his fingers to your lips and tells you to be quiet. to just feel. to just believe.

we are going to always struggle, but we have the strength to win this fight. you are stronger than you think. i see strength when i look to your eyes, and passion, and longing. i know you have the will to survive.

this story is playing out. i'm feeling inspired. i like where my play seems to be headed. it always helps to take ideas from my seemingly misplaced thoughts.

i think i've made at least two really good friends recently. two people genuinely trying to understanding and showing kindness no matter how much i claim i don't deserve it.

i could be better. things have gone down a bit, but i know i need to stay here. stay focused. stay strong.

there is something really important going on, something i'm on the path towards. i can feel it. i don't know what it is, but i know it's there. i sense its presence.

my thoughts are often scattered. confused. but the way i felt yesterday...it was real. and raw. and beautiful.

and i want to learn meaning again.

all my love,

Monday, March 28, 2011

a walk to remember

it's easier to keep people from getting too close.
but i think i'm failing at trying to keep them away.

so i'm working up some notes and characters for this play i'm supposed to start writing on Friday. Oh dear gawd....how the heck can I pull this off?

i'm being horribly cliche. this play is about a girl with who has been given a year left to live because she is dying of a broken heart. not sure how i want to play out all the symbolism...but it's the general concept. and lots of people try to help her before it's too late. mostly boys.

i am thinking for characters so far-
1.the girl (Lorena)
2.main love interest (Adrian)
3.best friend of several years
4.secondary love interest
5.ex that still cares
7.girl who she helps in turn
8.extras for certain scenes(since some of it takes place in public places and i could add some minor roles/lines for them)

maybe a sister? idk. she's supposed to be in college and i don't know how to do it.
it shall be set over a year. i want to divide it into seasons somehow though, starting with summer (so i can end with spring).

maybe i'm crazy for even trying, haha.

so life is life.
it is.
i have friends now but i don't know. i like who i am but too many people want me and i don't know how to deal with it properly without upsetting people too much.
such a dilemma. hm.

still haven't found a job but i;m keeping my fingers crossed, and keeping myself busy in the meantime.

going on a trip in about a week to visit some friends, which is totally cool. i am getting to enjoy life a bit. i like it.

all my love,

Sunday, March 27, 2011

a world of confusion

giver of life, breaker of hearts
my ring shall be white

how do you make some believe they shouldn't get involved with you without really being able to explain why?

i keep trying to warn people but they don't listen. i'm wondering whether i'm doing more good or bad. all i know is that i enjoy this time i've spent with these people. they are finding bits and pieces of my heart that had been washed away by the relentless ocean that has been my life.this feeling of confusion refuses to quiet. i am searching the life around me for the whispered secrets of simple truth. i am feeling the life with my fingertips, and breathing in my losses.

so many innocent people. lives to be changed for the better or ruined by mistake.
when i say "it's better if you just stay away from e," people just laugh, shake their head at me, and move closer.

so what do i do? i crave human connection. it's like my life-source or something.
people gladly oblige until i don't do what they want. but i'll never do what they want and i know they eventually will get to that point, so who is the cruel one here?

i don't think anyone can understand because there is nothing to really understand.

where there is no heart, there is no heart. it's not something to be replaced.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

with a black, black heart

yesterday was a crazy day.

i am lucky though.

so since my biodad's transmission is screwed, a new friend of mine drove me over to Lancaster to take my exam. it so happened that we found out something was wrong with my biodad's car only two hours past the time when i could have just rescheduled.

it was nice to have a friend drive me though because i was super nervous and it kept me calm to have someone to talk to (plus i got to know him a little more).

i went in and took the test in about 40 min, even though i had been allotted 2 hours total to take it. this place is all high security and whatnot, in a sense. i had to get a palm vein scan. it was interesting.


i get my official stuff in 1-3 weeks...woot! EPIC WIN!

um...then i went and ate celebratory Wendy's lunch. because hey...i'm not really one to pass up a free meal when it's offered.

then i got home.
my biodad decided to start reorganizing all this stuff in my room. so i couldn't just relax from all the nerves being shot from the whole test thing.

and i got a call. relationship stuff is what it is, you know? i cried. but i'm okay for now.

my friend stopped by later on. we sat in my room and talked and played pokemon and it was nice to just chill with a friend. it really helped get my mind off things.

slept okay. feeling sad but also good somehow. life is life is whatever and i will make the most of what i get.

there isn't much point in dwelling and stressing out over the situation.

i am happy with my life because i am accomplishing the things i've wanted to and it feels damn good. my next order of business is finding a doctor to go to.

stay amazing, all you cool peoples out there!

all my love,

this was my 200th post!! just thought i'd point that out.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

"it's just some form of neurosis."

...to quote a friend.

so my certification test is today. i am nervous. confident in my ability to pass, but nervous because i'm always nervous about things that are really important to me.

i'll be sure to let everyone know when i get my results back (i'm not sure how long it takes before they send them out or notify me of whatever).

oh...formspring. for those of you who may not be aware, formspring is a website for people to ask other people questions, especially anonymously.

that being said, someone (since i'm pretty sure it's all the same person) keeps calling me a slut/whore/etc through the site anonymously. oh, and then this morning i checked it to find this, word for word: "go die, k thanks" which i had to laugh at. i have a feeling i know who it might be. but honestly, if someone doesn't even have the guts to tell me who they are if they are going to say such things, i don't really give a shit. oh, the cowards of the world. if anything, it's amusing and i rather enjoy this whole situation. if only they knew that all they're doing is giving me something laugh at...

i have little else to report. still working on getting a job.

i have friends now though. that live close by. finally, i have people to hang out with.

as for my relationship....i just don't even want to go there. too complicated to try at the moment.

i'm sad, but i gotta keep moving on, you know?

c'est la vie or some shit, haha.

i'm wishing you all the best in your adventures.

all my love,

Saturday, March 19, 2011

a change in the tides

so i deleted my facebook account.


i won't say much about my reasons, other than it having to do with certain people i felt i was forced to associate with that i did not want to.
i'm not willing to discuss it further, so do not ask me.

it's one less thing to deal with anyway.

i know it's nice to stay in touch with some people that way, but i keep getting upset over petty things with that site and i got so sick of it i didn't want to deal anymore.

i'm still finding myself. i know i am.

the good news is, i made some friends recently. i found somewhere to meet up with people around my age with similar interests and that is awesome. i finally will have people to hang out with from time to time.

there's a lot of pressure just sitting here. i have my cert exam coming up on wednesday. i'm waiting to hear back about a job. i am realizing that i am still so afraid of so many things and still very broken.

i still have my faults and my troubles and my bad habits. but i'm doing my best to get better.

i hope everyone can be patient with me still.

all my love,

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

head over heels

for a nurse named joy.

okay not really. just that head over heels made me think of a song. a pokemon song. i used to love singing it.

it's true that i have never been very open about it when i have been totally into a girl. i'm used to hanging out with guys. i know how they think. i'm comfortable with them.

but girls? i still don't really understand them.

you can try to point and say that i'm a girl, but i would shake my head and say no.

no, i am not a girl.

fact: at one time, i seriously considered getting a sex change at one point. (but it all fell through when i realized i love my body the way it is, even if i don't feel female at all sometimes, even when i'm totally being a boy).

i get so shy around girls. plus, it's not exactly socially acceptable to be openly into a girl. and oh my god..if the girl turned out to be straight and i acted interested...

i really don't want to make people uncomfortable if i'm into them. i've been really interested in some of my straight friends before, but knowing they were straight i never said anything and never showed it.

there was one girl in high school in particular who i was practically in love with....seriously. she was so amazing and still is and i wanted so much to be with her, but honestly...i just chickened out. i was scared. i was scared of losing her as a best friend if i told her (even though she was openly into girls) and i was scared i would totally blow it.

i never thought i'd openly admit to this, but i've done my fair share of things with girls/women to know that i am definitely into them.

fact: i have had more crushes on girls by far than i have on guys

so why have i always ended up in all these "official" relationships with guys?

well, i had to face this some time: socially, it was easier. and less scary since i'm comfortable with guys. and things just happen. my attraction to men and women is almost equal, with a slightly higher attraction to women.

fact: i can't stand to look at naked men (except a guy if i'm with him), but i love looking at naked women.

yeah, i admitted it.
i'm not afraid anymore. i'm not afraid of getting negative comments about this.

so what if i like girls?

let me say this: i think i have found somebody pretty much perfect for me because it's definitely a lot easier for two genderqueers to be together. (it's nice not to have to choose between boys or girls and physically i have fun either way, no matter what parts are present or not).

maybe i'll get shit for all this stuff. i don't know if i care so much.
i learned not too long ago that real friends stick by you. and i'm pretty sure everyone who reads this blog is already aware of many of these things or doesn't mind either way.

and gosh, you know, i'm just so dang happy. i am so proud of myself.

i'm so confident these days. i'm more open and positive and clear-headed and it's all without medications(which make me fuzzy and dull anyway).

i have so much amazing-ness to look forward to. so exciting!

i feel so blessed because i grew up with a mommy who was accepting. even so, i felt weird being open even top my family in the past because as far as i really know i am the only non-heterosexual in my immediate family(they can always correct me if i'm wrong).

maybe i will stay with this person and we will settle down and get married and have children and all that, but i'm pretty sure i'll still always be attracted to women. and ze is totally aware of that fact. and totally accepting.

love is nice when it works out.

all my lovey doveys and stuffs,

Sunday, March 6, 2011


it's funny how i know i am very different now from how i was four months ago, yet a lot of the time i feel just the same as i was back then.

this blog has just been me. filtered but not too much. honest, but private sort of.
me me me me me me me.

i feel like saying this. i am not a boy or a girl. or i am both. neither. one or the other depending on how i feel. i am brainstorming boy names for myself. it's fun.

sometimes i wish i were more androgynous. sometimes my sister tells me i look like a boy. and inside, i have the biggest smile on my face.

i can't ever decide between long and short hair. long hair is so pretty and fun, but more girly. i guess it doesn't have to be. but it feels girly to me.

i don't know. honestly, i am still confused and unsure about a lot of things.

but what i am sure of is, i love my life because i love my family and my best friend right now and my other good friends and etc.

and things work out. i have been working on stuff and it's going well enough.

i am actually quite nervous if i do get this job i just interviewed for because i think i will put a lot of pressure on myself when i shouldn't. sure, i had school, but this is hands on and the real thing and it's still very new to me and they know that and won't expect me to be perfect but i so very much want to do well.

if i get the job, that is. i will be okay either way. which is nice. it is nice to sit here and not freak out that "oh know what if i don't get this job then where else should i look and what are my chances and what am i going to do oh no oh no" because i realize that just because one thing doesn't work out it doesn't mean nothing ever will.

hey, i learned something!

some stranger popped in and said something nice and changed my mind about the biggest decision i had ever made for my life and it doesn't seem like that makes sense but it does.

can you tell i'm in a run-on sentence mood?

i am actually feeling quite ill at the moment. i have been lightheaded the majority of the day plus my throat has been very sore and i am not happy about that.

but anyway, i am happy because i am happy because i am in love and it is working and i love people and life is okay because there are still good things and my biodad isn't home to bug me right now. woo.

i love you. love you. love you all.

with all my heart,

PS. this is so totally PFA

Friday, March 4, 2011

i :heart: nerds

i love myself. haha.
but yeah.
i'm wearing my plaid shirt and suspenders and glasses and all today and it's fun.

yesterday i had an interview with this pharmacy that has been around for years and years. they aren't a chain. they are a little tiny pharmacy that is going to be expanding to a larger one starting in May.

i am really excited that i might get this job. it would be full-time and there are benefits and such. there's a 90-day trial period with it, which is fairly standard i know with most jobs, and they all seem like really nice people.

it's good to have an interview where i feel really comfortable with who i am being interviewed by. and i think i made a really good impression, so i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

don't know what it means for the future, really. i've kind of been trying to wait-and-see with things a lot lately. i look ahead, think ahead, but focus on the present and the what is currently at hand.

if i absolutely love this place, it may mean sticking around in PA for quite some time, which i honestly haven't been planning on, due to several reasons that i feel i would be much happier being away from this place.

there is definitely somewhere right now that i would rather be, but it is a good distance away from here.

i see the importance of opportunities and such when it comes to work and career, however. if i get a job, it gives me the opportunity to get work experience in my field, which is the one thing i am still lacking (except for the cerification, but i am well on my way to getting that) and i know i really need it anyway.

i am eager in many ways to be able to live closer to my boyfriend (either if i move closer to him or if he moves closer to me) but i am also very patient and i firmly believe that if a relationship is going to work, it is going to work no matter how far apart the two people involved are, or for how long that distance lasts. it's like we both keep saying, another day, month, year, etc is nothing when we have the rest of our lives to be together. i have faith that no matter what happens, we can make it work and stay together. we are so good about working through anything that comes our way, i know we'll be just fine.

eventually, it has to change. because i also don't see the point in maintaining a relationship where there is no true contact and never really will be. because my goal is to eventually settle down and get married and have children and all (it's something i have been looking forward to ever since i was a child myself).

but honestly, it works. this is the first relationship i've been in where i feel like i'm gaining energy and strength and courage and all that good stuff, rather than losing it. and i'm pretty sure that's how good relationships should be. they should make you feel happy and healthy, not sick and stressed out. obviously that's no good. but you know how it is when you love people....sometimes you ignore the bad stuff because you love them so much (even when it's really REALLY bad stuff).

also...this is totally pointless and random and whatever, but i bought hot tamales at walgreens. i am only mentioning this because they are the valentine's ones.

it is the "untamed love mix" according to the box and it cost my 69 cents. haha.

i know... that was pretty lame.

i have nothing else to report.

all my love,

Friday, February 25, 2011

I just want to be beautiful.

Not beautiful like a model in a magazine, or beautiful like a Monet painting. Not beautiful like a star in the sky or beautiful like a field of flowers. Not beautiful like a love song or beautiful like an angel.

I want to be beautiful like when you’re sad and it’s pouring rain outside your window, when you look out at that rain, and somehow everything, just for a moment, feels okay again.

That’s the kind of beautiful I want to be.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

stand still

so basically i haven't really blogged lately because frankly i have nothing to say.

i am actually a really lame person unless you really understand what's going through my head at all, even for a moment.

just picked up an application for an individual pharmacy. maybe the fact that i've gone through school now will help. don't really like the fact that they use a generic application. you'd think they could take the time to at least add the name of their business at the top or something. in fact, they should hire me and I could make it all spiffy for them (i definitely know how after taking that computer class last term).

i've applied to every walgreens and cvs and whatever else basically that's close enough for me to walk to or take the bus to. unfortunately, the bus system is kinda screwy around here so i'm trying to stick to the simpler parts of it.

i'm trying to keep up with some individual studying before time comes to take the certification exam. i'm fairly confident i'll pass it though, considering i did as well as i did on the practice test.

i have a lot of things i have to keep track of. have to go talk to financial aid at my school about loans because honestly i still don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do with them. and all they did was sent me some thing to read that supposedly counts as "exit counseling" which is total bs if you ask me. i'm setting up an appointment to actually talk to them about it. i'm not signing some paper saying i read some little pamphlet they sent for it to count. no.

been drawing. still don't have a tablet. right now would be a nice time to get one though since i have some free time. oh well. it may never happened, since the person who promised to get me one promised to get me one over a year ago and continues to spend large amounts of money on other things (even though he complains he's having money issues and needs to try to get the electric bill lower)

but i digress. okay, maybe not. (i just felt like saying that).

i am quite happy with myself. i'm really coming into my own, really figuring out who i am. i have a fairly good idea of what i want in life, and am taking the needed steps towards what i want.

i am listening to my heart and my mind at the same time. i am doing what i want, though carefully, yet still taking chances.

it's a good feeling.

all my love,

Thursday, February 17, 2011

somewhere i belong

it would seem that my life may be changing in a big(ish?) sort of way in the near(ish) future.

no, i won't answer any questions how or why or what exactly yet, but i will keep people informed and explain once i know for sure and have a better idea when and such, and i am hoping that any people with concern who i shall be informing will accept the fact that i can make my own choices and i take responsibility for them and whatever happens i will do what i think will make me happiest and i hope that is enough for other people who care about me.

it's stressful enough that i'm worried about people's reactions, but would be so much worse if i am hit with a barrage of questions and comments making it seem like i'm making a huge mistake or being stupid/naive/etc because i kind of expect that stuff but i also expect there to be understanding in what will happen because it isn't like other people not directly involved in the situation will really be able to change my mind.

i know it's probably not the best to say this right now, but i wanted to just say that my life IS going to be changing fairly soon but for me it will be a happy change and i hope other people can just be supportive of my choices.

i need a little bit more info and such before actually telling anyone, but i will be sure to inform people when i know enough. you will be informed probably more directly through email or something before i say anything here.

all my love,

all my love,

it's all a trick?

dear whoever/whatever/thingy that may or may not have control over everyone and everything,

can you please make it so i at least don't see ghosts anymore?

okay thanks.


PS. i think i believe in you or something or whatever and i'm trying to be better but you know as well as i do that i might never be sure

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

# 1 DAD

I'm starting this off with my fb post from the other day:

I feel blessed to have such an amazing father in my life. His name is Jeff. he came into my life just days before I turned 13, but ever since has done the best he could to take care of me and help me to grow and live my own life. It is wonderful to have someone in my life that i can truly look up to as a father, someone who always shows love and support for me.

So yes. This gets to be my blog post about my realtionship with my father, my real father, not that other guy who, as far as i'm concerned at this point, is nothing more than a sperm donor. (I'm done trying to hold onto to some naive belief that he is actually someone better than he is).

So in this particular post, i will be referring to jeff as my father, and the other guy is biodad (that's what i call him in my mind these days).

My father.
The years I spent with him were usually not all happy and fun and enjoyable.
My particular past up until that point was so clogged up with traumatic experiences and hurt feelings and confusion that it would've been a struggle for anyone to try and figure out what to do about me by that point.

We moved away from Maryland to California. Suffice it to say, I was very pissed off about being forced to move for the third time in my life. I felt like I was finally gaining sifficent closeness with certain friends at the time and things looked like they might pick up and get awesome.
That being said, I was pretty much determined to dislike anything and anyone related to the situation.

In retrospect, I am certain I was much better off moving away. The five years i spent in Maryland, without a doubt, were the most traumatic years of my life. There are things I may never really end up blogging in those years, out of respect for the other people involved mostly.

But here I was, despite my objections, out in California. It might as well be a different country. There is so much difference between the coasts that it's ridiculous sometimes. I felt like a foreigner. i really did.

Anyway, this post isn't abou that. This post is about my wonderful father.

I have to point out some things that only recently have I fully come to understand, no matter how long they were told to me. That my father has struggled with trying to understand me even a little bit over the years, but he has tried so hard and cares so much.

In my opinion, he was never really obligated to try at all to understand me or like or get me to like him. And a lot of times we butted heads, as they say. There are certain things that put us on opposite ends of the spectrum of human personality.
There are still certain comments he makes to me that irritate me, but I look at it now with the knowledge that really he is always just trying to help, in the best way he knows how.

He really had aided me a lot. And I have always really appreciated it, and maybe sometimes he thought I wasn't trying my best, even though I almost always was, but that's okay. How does anyone but me really know how hard I am trying to succeed with things? I am the only who never knows completely everything that is going on with me at a particular time. So i don't blame him at all for ever thinking I wasn't really trying hard enough.

And i really just appreciate that he helped me at all.

It's obvious he cares. I can tell that for sure by the fact that he has tried so much to be a good father to me. He tried his best and did what he thought was best to be the best father he could for me, despite how much a challenge it has been. It sounds like I must've been the most difficult, partially due to my age. My sisters were both still young enough to get used to the idea of a new father, or at least to be more accepting of the change. My brother was so old he didn't stick around long enough for Jeff to really make any impact anyway. It was me, old enough to understand, but still years away from being out on my own. even without all the demons I faced within, it would've been a struggle.

But he did is best. and really, isn't that the most we can really expect from our parents? That they tried there best, did what they thought was best according to the extent of their knowledge and experience?

Well, that, and love and care for their children. And never cross the line and really hurt them in any way.

The only thing I ever really felt was lacking was the idea that he was ever proud of me when i did succeed, when i figured things out, when i slowly made improvements and began to grow and better myself. I think now I get that a lot more from him.

Because that's all i ever really wanted from any of my parents:
I wanted them to treat me right and I wanted them to be proud of me and who I am, even if i don't exactly live up to their expectations.

I still have a long way to go before having a life of my own, a happy life and a decent job and all that. But I feel blessed to have a father who supports me no matter what.

My father is the best I could have ever hoped for.

All my love,

fantasies and realities collide

it's like falling asleep talking on the phone to someone, only to dream that you are still awake talking on the phone to them, only to wake up and realize that you are, in fact, still holding the phone up to your ear, but there is no longer anyone on the other end.

yes, i keep falling asleep on the phone. but i swear, i'll be wide awake and then the next thing i know, i'm waking up again, realizing i just passed out cold yet again. (this never happened to me before when i wished it could).

in this day and age, information is not passed along by word of mouth, where storytellers spin wondrous tales of epic proportions, but rather cold, emotionless text to be viewed on computer screens.

our prince, the hero of this tale, does not hear of the lonely, suffering princess from the gentle folk of nearby villages. he does not hear it from an old, travelling, retired sorceror. no.

our princess is a poet, an artist,

a blog writer.

she spends her days locked away in the tower of this dark, cold castle, blogging and submitting tragic poetry, pleas that someone would rescue her.

It will be a modern-day fairytale. Instead of a white knight riding in a horse to save the princess locked away in the tower by her evil father, it will be the unlikely hero who comes along in a van to take the princess away, the princess being the one who stands up to the evil father and escapes his grips. Don't know how the story ends yet, but it's likely they will live happily ever after.

but then, there is reality.

reality dictates that there be something to counteract this happy occasion.

the princess has fallen ill. and for days she goes on, trapped in a world of constant pain and exhaustion. and her lovely prince is forced to watch as his one true love wastes away in his arms.

shall the princess be doomed to suffer forever?

(i'll let you know if anything ever changes).

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

i'm a survivor

so yesterday i typed out the whole thing. all at once. with moments to just breathe in between almost every paragraph.

i should've expected that as soon as i finished, that i would shut down like i did. my mind decided to turn off my emotion completely, while somewhere inside i wrestled with the hurt i felt. typing that out yesterday meant going through and remembering every feeling i felt at the time. not fun at all. but i gave myself some time after to just relax and turn my emotion back on when i was ready. and i am lucky because i have someone who cares about me dearly who i feel very comfortable talking to no matter what, and talking to him yesterday helped me a lot. i did not have shoulder to cry on, or anyone to hug, but i had love, somewhere out there in the world, and i have found that even in my darkest moments that love is all i really need to find my way out into the light again.

the fact is, after maybe a couple of hours spent dealing with my emotions, the internal struggle, all i did was talk to him and it wasn't long before i was smiling and giggling and feeling perfectly happy again.

love can be amazing like that. i feel incredibly blessed by what is happening in my life now. my boyfriend pointed out the fact that i have improved on certain things in the time that we have been together. that i am much better at making decisions and taking responsibilty and am not so uncertain and scared anymore. and told me he was proud of me for it.

it's nice when someone tells you they're proud of you. it just feels good to hear that. from anyone, but especially people i really care about.

i am almost done with school and i am working on the next steps in my life. getting out and finally living my own life. things like moving out and getting a job and getting my driving license and such. i know what i want to do. i will discuss these things further with the people it matters to later on, closer to when things will actually occur. but just know that i am taking responsibility for the choices i make and that if i fall on ym face for it, i will know that it's my own fault.

i know whatever happens, my life is about to change in many ways this year. but for the better, it certainly seems.

all my love,

Monday, January 24, 2011

memories that stand out-2

this is me trying to get things out.
this is me trying to tell stories about things that affected me.
everyone that ever experienced any kind of abuse knows all too well that it never really leaves you. ever. that the best thing you can do is accept what happened, understand that it wasn't your fault, understand that it wasn't right, and move on, and do the best you can, and learn to trust people again.

warning: this is one of the darkest memories i have. i have never fully told anyone the entire story. every time i bring it up i get terribly choked up about it. it's really hard for me to talk about because it's one of those things i always wished i could erase. wished it never happened.

here is the thing: looking back on this situation, i see that it was completely preventable. or at least, it would've been had i not been in the state of mind i was.
or if i had made some different choices. alas...i may never completely understand how i initially acted or what transpired or why i never told anyone much about it. i have my theories, which i will discuss here, but i can't know for sure.

july 2006(less than a week after my 17 birthday)-

it was one of those days. i was depressed. well, i was depressed pretty much all the time back then. this was before i was given any official diagnoses, before i really understand much at all about what was happening to me.


i was home alone. i don't remember where everyone else was, just that nobody was there. chances are they had all gone out somewhere and me being so depressed i had opted out of such things. i really don't know. i'm sure, perhaps, that someone else in my family might remember where they were that day.

i holed up in my room. typical for me, really, at that point in time. i was depressed. lonely. disintegrating, as usual, on the inside. wondering what the heck i was going to do. wondering what point there was to living. wondering why i kept feeling the way i did. wondering why it made me act the way i did. just wondering.

i only fell deeper and deeper into that dark hole i was in. deeper and deeper. at some point, the me i know lost control of this body. some other me took over.

i used to get really frustrated about this. i told myself that i wouldn't do certain things, but when things got so bad that i got lost in my feelings, some other me easily took over.

(i have learned a lot about this whole thing in the past year. i have read some books and had discussions with therapists about the things that often occur with DID. my eyes have been opened up a lot and this new knowledge has helped me to understand a lot about myself).

other me took over. and always did the same thing. the next thing i knew, i woke up. in my bed. it was later in the afternoon, and i had bloody toilet paper wrapped around my arm. my first thought is always the same: fuck.

i was always distraught every time i ever woke up to find cuts on my arm yet again. this time, it was pretty bad. my left forearm was cover in small cuts. i was distressed. frustrated. this only made things worse. i was freaking out. panicking.

needed fresh air. walks, bike rides-i knew these things often cleared my mind enough to rationalize and regroup and calm down just enough to manage.

i headed outside and hopped on my bike. it was summer, but i wore my bright orange sweatshirt to hide my wounded arm.

picked one of my usual routes, riding down past where a friend of mine lived, not much more than a mile away. rode on around the neighborhood, then headed back as the sun started to set.

i wasn't too far away from home when i noticed the group of people on the corner. and i recognized one of them.

his name is Kurt Bennett. Most of you will not recognize that name(though you could find him in one of the old yearbooks if you wanted to). he was not in the same class as me. he was younger. he was an idiot. i considered him in general as this stupid, short, puny guy who often made inappropriate remarks and was often just an annoyance. i am not hiding his name because:

he doesn't deserve it
it makes this whole thing more real, actually putting his name there

someone i recognized. someone who, at the time, i really did not hate, though i didn't exactly consider him to be a friend.
still, my theory is, i saw someone familiar and just wanted to connect, speak to somebody. anybody at all. because i was in total distress.

he called out to me.
really, i should have just kept riding. he wasn't worth my time, even if i felt some desperation for human connection to confirm that i was really alive myself, right in that moment.

but i stopped. walked with my bike over to the group of people.
kinda stood there and said a few things.

next thing i know, everyone else is leaving. but Kurt was still standing there. just me and him. i didn't think anything of it though. i was just about to head off myself, but then he made some comment about getting a hug.

(a hug, hey, that sounds nice right now-that's probably what i felt. need for human connection. need to stop hurting, start feeling. something).

and then he wanted to talk. and he was leading me over off a little ways into the one side street, stopping behind the fence on the side of a house. (random fact: a good friend of mine lived on this street, not that it would've made any difference, unless he had randomly appeared and stopped what was going on).

i don't really know how it started. we were standing there. he pulled me in closer. i think i stopped breathing for a moment at that gesture. and then he started touching me. not in a nice way either.

i'm pretty sure at this point i began to shut down. entirely. rather than fighting or saying no, i shut down. froze up. i don't know why. i was afraid, even of some puny idiot that i probably could have easily beaten up if i had thought of it at the time.

but i shut down. and he kept touching. it got worse and worse. that, and he started kissing me. ew. it was awful. like...just ew. it was like some dog just slobbering over my face. ew.

his dirty hands on me. disgusting. right on my skin. up under my shirt. down my shorts. ew.
and then his mouth. on me. i was starting to panic. we were outside. public place. how far would he really try to take this? i had no idea. and i was starting to freak out. did not want this. had to stop it somehow, but i couldn't find my will. couldn't find my voice. not until he started saying he wanted to finger me, and the thought of his dirty, disgusting hands inside of me, well, that sparked some kind of life into me because every time he brought it up i said no. refused. no way in hell was i going to let him go that far.

the sun was setting and it was starting to get dark, and somewhere inside i finally found just enough courage to tell him that i really needed to be going home, that my family expected me back, etc etc i had to leave. i'm pretty sure he got my phone number out of me though, but to my knowledge he never called except maybe one time. i'm not sure.

i did not find enough will to punch him or push him away or anything like that, but i found enough of a voice to tell him i had to leave, to keep him from going even further. i hopped on my bike and rode away, fast as i could towards home, checking often to make sure he wasn't following me.

i made it home, and still nobody else was home. i headed straight into my room, where i lied face down on my bed and cried and tried to process what the fuck had just occurred.

the next thing i can recall is the next day. the next day was the day i broke down and called my mother and told her i needed to go to the hospital. i packed a bag and we she came home and drove me there and finally i got admitted, where is stayed for a couple of weeks.

i think of this occurrence as the even that set me off to the point where i could not face things anymore. i had to do something, and fast. and being in a mental hospital seemed like a good idea. safe place. chance to get away. i needed something. i couldn't keep going on the way i was.


i never really told anyone that this happened. i went to the hospital so soon after it happened that i didn't really get a chance to even try to bring it up beforehand (i was still too shocked to know what to say, to find the words).

being in the hospital, a certain psychiatrist there (whom all the patients hated, basically) talked about molestation and rape as if there is a significant difference in how it affects people, as if being molested really isn't that bad in comparison to being raped. (who the fuck in their right mind speaks to patients in a mental hospital, victims of such things, like that? that and the fact that he just had to point out any possibility of phallic imagery in my art (though obscure and certainly unintended by me, the artist).


so you can imagine, being talked to that way, that i only felt more ashamed of what had transpired. i only told one person, who and in general, what had occurred.
i really should've told more people. even if just to talk about it and deal with it the way i should've at the time. but i was ashamed. yes, i really did think i might just get laughed at because of who it was that did it to me. how pathetic was i that i couldn't even stand up to someone like that? even after KM (who i mentioned in a previous post) tried to help me get into the habit of standing up for myself?

i wanted to finally tell this story though. i have always had such a hard time with it. but i needed to account for it. i'm done being ashamed about it. i'm done letting it just sit there inside of me, refusing to admit that it happened and finally try to really get over it. going through the whole story, to the best of my memory, is helpful to understanding and moving on.

now i shall go medicate with sweet music and kind words and beautiful drawings and such.

all my love,

Friday, January 21, 2011

little things that mean the most-2

this a story that i have always had a mixture of shame, awe, confusion, and appreciation for.

This story actually takes place before the previous one, when I was still dating JCH.
It takes place back during my junior of high school.

Honors English Book Project.
I was in a group working on a project for Honors English. The project required time spent after school.

One day, I stayed after to do my part to help with things we were working on for the project. Hours kind of flew by that day. And as the time dwindled down, later and later, the next thing I knew, only two of us were left there: me, and my friend, who I will refer to as KM.

Now, i want to give a bit of background on this whole thing.

Firstly, KM is someone I met during my sophomore year, my first year at the school. He was very charismatic, outgoing, talented, intelligent, and easily one of the most well known and popular people at school. Everyone liked him, from what I could tell.
And me, the new, shy, quiet girl with no friends saw him and he caught my attention. Like some bright shooting star I couldn't help but watch him from afar, in awe of what i was seeing.
We never, in all our time there, spent much time together. I always wanted to. I will not say I was obsessed or anything, no. It wasn't like that. But I was very, very interested in him. And only became more so as time went on and I got to know him more.

Secondly, on the particular day that this took place, I was pretty sure I wanted to break up with my boyfriend JCH because I was an emotional wreck, to say the least, and it didn't seem like things were going so well.

there I was. For the first time ever, it was just me and KM.
I remember, at some point, I had to ask to use his cellphone to call my mother so she would come pick me up, but I can't remember for sure if that happened before or after what I'm about to get into.

I was upset. Distraught. Clearly. And in the midst of someone who I really admired, really liked, really felt some sort of something for, I broke down a bit. Showed myself a little more. Let myself open. Took off the mask I wore almost constantly.

And KM, I knew, he was very caring. i could tell, somewhere beneath the sunny exterior, was something more. Something darker. Some form of his own distress, despite the fact that he seemed to have so much going for him.

We talked. He wanted to cheer me up. he didn't want me to be sad like that. And for whatever reason, I felt like it would be okay if I opened up to him. So i did. I told him how upset and I was and how I was thinking I should break up with my boyfriend and all these things. Maybe putting this kind of trust in him, in turn, opened something up in him, too.

he started to tell me things. he tried to tell me how wonderful a person i really was. how special i was. and... the one of the biggest surprises in my entire life, that he had always liked me. i mean LIKE-LIKED me.
i immediately fell into a state of shock. i blinked. didn't know what to say. how? why? i could not comprehend just then how someone who i figured never really noticed my existence half the time could possibly ever have....ever have been interested in me at all. logically, i reasoned, surely he had all kinds of girls after him. girls that weren't quiet, pathetic loners like me. SURELY.
yet, he meant it. obviously.

I was sitting on the couch in that room. he was standing, leaning in towards me, facing me.

The next thing that happened completely threw me off, but also threw away all the doubt in my mind that he meant what he said. he had this smile on his face, sort of a smirk, sort of sweet, i really don't know. hard to describe.

maybe this next part is predictable, from what i've said.
he leaned in closer and kissed me. gentle, but not completely. just enough passion.
i could've reacted two ways in this situation. either pull away, or return the gesture. considering how i felt, the state i was in, the feelings i had for him, i did not pull away. i embraced it. i kissed him back. and after he pulled back, he told me he had always wanted to do that. i was completely baffled.

and okay, so we ended up sitting on the floor making out a little. i liked it. he was a good kisser. really good. and sweet. and loving in a way. and for a moment i was able to step away from pain and stress and just be. and feel. and live. this only lasted maybe 5 minutes or so. i really don't know. and then he stopped. and told me i shouldn't break up with my boyfriend.

as if i wasn't shocked enough. since when does a guy admit he has liked you for a long time, decide to kiss you (and you kiss him back, making it obvious that the feelings are mutual) and then tell you that you should stay with the person you are currently with depsite the fact that things are not going so well?

i think, probably, had he instead said he wanted to be with me and wanted me to break up with my boyfriend, i would've done that. my feelings for him were too strong, and my relationship with my boyfriend at the time was so stressful.

but no. he told me to keep trying. i'm sure he knew he could've had me for himself, if he just said he wanted that. he had to have known that, the way i was acting. he made me promise him i would keep trying though. and all i could do was make that promise, despite a huge part of me really wanting to forget who i was with and be with KM.

there is another part to this. i don't remember, we must've talked about things with my past and sexual abuse that i had gone through because he sat there after that trying to help me. trying to teach me to speak up. trying to teach me to fight for myself. not let people just do whatever they wanted.

i was so shocked though, it was tough for me to do anything. we sat there facing each other. he would move in to touch my chest, wanting me to react, to stop him. at first, he put his hand there on me, not in any inapprpriate way, but enough to try to make a point. but all i could do was stare back at him.
he kept shaking his head and telling me no. telling me i can't just let that happen. he did the same thing over and over again, and soon enough i did what he said and kept him from doing it. granted, he never used any force or anything, the way it has been in real situations, but i don't think he was capable of making it seem any more real. i think he wanted to be as careful as he could about it, but still help me somehow.

(years later, when something happened that really tested me on how much i had taken away from that day, i failed. crumbled. too overhwelmed and distressed at the time to fight back like i should have.)

KM never really talked me to ever again about what happened that day. and i never said anything either. i was too afraid to ruin whatever friendship i did have by bringing it up because i wasn't sure if he really wanted to ever bring it up.

but it has always stuck with me. and i have often wondered since about what could've been. the only other thing since then was a phone conversation two or three years ago where the same feeling sort of came into play. i haven't really said anything to him since. and the only other memory of some odd significance to me is related to rehearsal time for the winter play i mentioned in my previous post. a moment where he was up on stage playing piano, and i walked over, and just leaned over and laid my ear against the piano, and felt the vibrations and the music he played.
i think we always understood each other. but feelings get in the way of being able to really approach a person.

there is a side note to this whole thing because obviously you who read this must've paid enough attention to realize a certain fact.
I kissed one guy while i was dating another. yes, this is true. and i do not regret it.
yes, to me, that would be cheating, in a sense. i will not excuse myself due to my fragile state of mind or my lack of ability to properly reason at the time. because i know i do not regeret it. i did not really even regret it at the time.
also, i took the best action i could at the time. the same night, at home, i called my boyfriend and told him what happened. i have always believed that is important to be honest, especially with those who you really love and care about. i apologized. i knew it wasn't really fair for me to do that. and i told him that i wanted to stay with him and i wouldn't do it again. i know he must have been sad about it, but he accepted it. we stayed together. truthfully, despite the situation and my feeling for KM, i did not at all hope that my boyfriend would break up with me because of what happened. i was actually more determined to make things work.
as it turns out, JCH, the aforementioned boyfriend, i am no longer with and have since realized never really treated me like he should have. whether he tried or not, he often times used my emotional instability against me while we were together. and still did on some occasions after we broke up. and much more recently, even convinced me that we should get together again, telling me how he had thought so much and realized we were so good together and he really wanted to be with me. and foolishly, i consented. i hesitated at first, but he eventually reeled me in. only a couple of weeks later, to disappear. here everything seemed to be going well with us again, and he vanished without so much as a word for why. completely stopped talking to me. i didn't know for sure what was h=even happening until he changed his freaking facebook status back to single. and i crumbled. and hurt. and knew it was kind of my fault for being naive, when really i should've known better.

i was not in a good place at the time. my "uncle" had recently passed away. i was alone. nobody i could really go to if i needed someone to spend time with. i was horribly depressed. i just wanted some sort of happiness with someone again.

that's why in my current relationship, i have been a lot more cautious. not so quick to trust. not so quick to agree. hesitant at the fact that for now it has to be long-distance. in fact, i wasn't really looking for anyone. a friend, maybe. someone to talk to, mostly.

without any expectations, ever, from either person, love began to bloom right under our noses and we caught on much later to the fact that it was happening and we didn't even realize it at first.

i am happy. and fond of this story. there is a lot of learning and understanding i can draw from it. it is the one and only time i have truly been unfaithful in a relationship, despite what others may have heard, despite what others think they know.

my boyfriend now has already heard this story. has already been told everything i have mentioned here. we share these things with each other. i felt it was only right that he know i ever did anything of that sort, even that.

honesty is important in relationships. real honesty. brutal honesty. we have learned quickly that sometimes the truths we share hurt each other, but it doesn't take long for us to work through them and make each other feel really happy again. in the end, sharing things like that, things we have some sort of shame about, has helped us become closer and has helped us grow as a couple.

i will not lie. there have been times where both of us have raised our voice. never really to the point of yelling, but definitely enough to show hidden anger or hurt about something. but it doesn't really phase us. because we discuss the issues, work through them right away, and get stronger. every day.