Saturday, October 23, 2010

error message #1,224,576

if it were that easy to let go of all those things, we wouldn't be having this conversation.


some people just suck sometimes. and life in general.


they way some messages ar worded, even without a voice saying them...
well i hear the patronizing note in it.
we know how some people are, and we know how they would speak to us, and we know we don't like it, even.

also, a question.
why is it harder to understand what makes a good father than what makes a good mother?

panic attacks suck. i had one in class yesterday. which made it slightly easier for me because of caring people nearby and a teacher with medical background. she checked all my vitals just in case. my chest hurt so much though, it was crazy. before i knew it, i was crying and freaking a little because it hurt so much.
usually when i've had panic attacks i've been alone, quite helpless, confused, trouble calming myself.

my father argues that nobody can truly change their sex because they can't change their DNA. while he has a point, i think of sex/gender being more of a perspective thing. really. it is more to me a question of who you feel like you are, regardless of what anyone else dictates.

being around for the sake of others shouldn't be enough to stay alive, should it?
it seems like it would make more sense to live for oneself. maybe. but then, i don't know if i'd still be here if i really felt that way.

i'm tearing away.

there is someone i know whose words, though often, perhaps, meant to be helpful, suggestive even, always sting. those words always sting me. stab into me.
it hurts. makes me want to run away from this person. keeps me from really speaking to them. makes life awkward when i'm around them. makes me feel more like i can't be me. like life is hard and cold and nobody really cares.

grow up. don't ever complain. suck it up. deal. because it makes sense. it isn't that difficult if you try. etc etc.

even scares me sometimes. so when i want to listen, i can't. not really. i'm scared i'm in trouble. scared of being punished because of what i went through in the past with this person and punishments.

on an entirely different note, different person than one mentioned above, i'm afraid one of these days my father might hit me.

he never has.
i know he has been violent in the past to others.
even if i did not know that, i can tell from that edge in his voice when he's angry. how he gets angry about stupid little things.
the people who get violent, you can hear that something in their voice when they are angry. it's hard to describe, but having been around various angry-violent people in the past, i know what it sounds like.

however, i already have a plan and everything if it ever happens. so no worries. i just get really scared when he's angry because he sounds that way, like he might hit me, or worse my puppy baby. many times i have locked myself in my room or ran off somewhere to keep from getting hurt. a method i learned in the past to stay safe.

get far away so they can't catch you.

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