Thursday, October 14, 2010

to live in hearts we leave behind

it's like living day to day in remembered nightmares.

so much has happened to me in my mere 21 years that i can hradly fathom how i survived it all. i feel like i'm going to spend most of the rest of my life hurting from everything built up from the past.

there are people that tell me i need to "just get over it already" but if they even knew the half of it they wouldn't be saying that. it's so complicated. these kinds of things stick to you as though they have been sewn right into your skin. in that same way, i also feel somehow that everyone that ever sees me can tell that i've got all this hanging on me. that's how i feel the way people look at me sometimes.

i feel like i could be gushing torment from every meatus in my body, the way i feel sometimes.

these things just don't go away. and i'm stuck living with them. and that's part of what makes it so hard for me to be alone.
because then i sit there with it all hanging over me, picking at me, threatening my sanity.

somwhere in the back of my mind, almost always there, is the desire to go curl up and hide myself away in some distant corner where nothing can reach me.

nobody except me knows all of what has taken place. there are many thing i haven't told to even one person. people may know bits and pieces, here and there, but i find it incredibly difficult to reveal much about anything for two reasons:
1. i think that nobody wants to hear it...not all of it or even most of it (and it would take a really lon time to tell it all anyway)
2. i have this fear that it will be used against me

i'm looking at having to be in therapy the rest of my life just to get through a portion of what has occurred, and that's assuming that nothing further happens after today. because if it did, i think i'd only fall further behind and dealing with it. as each thing happens, it sits for a while, gets pushed away, buried, until i find time for it, which is basically never because i'm either busy keeping my life together or fixated on things that in the past have only made the situation worse, but for some time always seem to make it better, monumentously so, to the point in which i gain a false sense that it all does not trouble me quite as much as i know it does.

kind of on the side, but another thought i had today was also
that anyone who ever thought losing their virginity would make things easier, simpler, etc must have been terribly and sadly mistaken
as i learned quickly enough at the time that it only makes things so much more complicated and confusing.

anyway, no, i don't have any idea what i'm going to do about my problems.
i just often find it helpful to record my thoughts somewhere outside of myself where i can much more easily access them later.

in other words, it was just really bothering me not to say anything about it to someone else.
and somehow i find that if i make things visible to others, then those things seem more like reality and not just some horrible dream and that maybe i can find some way to fix some of the issue. now or later.

i learned long ago that i have acknowledge that these things have actually happened, for my own sake, that i don't think i can just make them disappear, and so i know my pain is real, what i'm feeling is real, so know one can push me into thinking i'm just crazy.

i have a feeling that writing a book could be incredibly therapeutic in itself if i could only find the time and words and way to fit all together.
i'll have to think on that idea further though. let it develop. and see if i can make any use of it.

in the meantime, what worries me more is my trouble trusting people. this causes a variety of issues. i either can't trust people, or i tend to trust them way too much, and kick myself later for falling into that kind of thing, yet again, after i've been hurt all over again for it. i've also been rejected my a large amount of people, either friends or lovers, as soon as they figured out i have a hard time trusting people, often due to impatience on their part, and a general lack of information given. they get frustrated because i wont really tell them anything, or they back off if i tell them what the problem is.

hence, i get the idea that people simply would prefer that i refrain from divulging anything connected to the issue.

and it seems that we just don't have the time. work, school, take care of other people (thier physical needs), and take care of ourselves (physical needs) and then it's usually time to try and get some sleep, something that continues to occur much less often than it should. that' the probably not helping at all with all this.

i am incredibly appreciative to everyone and anyone who has stuck by me, even if it is just because they feel obligated to do so. they are still making a choice.

all my love,

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