Thursday, May 20, 2010

into the ocean

this could be my last post for a little bit. i'm not sure. depends on if i feel like posting at all during my trip.

that being said....hijdajifhiugweiuguwgiuewg omg i'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


family has always been so important to me. i am always glad to see them. and like i've mentioned before, many of my favorite people will be there, including my stepdad, mother, and two sisters. they are A-MAZ-ING. seriously.

did i ever mention how much i love this part of my family and how incredibly awesome they all are? because it's so true. i consider myself lucky. seriously, i'm pretty sure i have one of the most rockin' families in the history of the human race. i could not possibly ask for better. these are people who mean the world to me and have helped me so much. they make me smile, sometimes they get on my nerves, but overall they are just so great. i can definitely say that i'd rather have the family i have now than a richer, boring family.
i am so very blessed by the people i just mentioned.
other people in the super crazy awesome category are my one grandmother, and my brother and his wife.
simply amazing.

i would not be the same without.
and honestly, i like who i am and what i value and how i see things.

i also might not be here without those i mentioned. they were there in my worst times and helped to pull me through and supported me. and i went through some really, REALLY rough times.
bipolar mania and depression got me into trouble, and really dragged me down, and these are people that pulled me back up again. i think that without them i would've gotten into much worse than i did.

i have a story to tell that stands out. i'll start telling my little stories eventually, like the first time i had a seizure, and my first time in a mental hospital, and how i was supported and helped by family in those times.

but for now, i just have to say that i love them dearly.

and i am so jazzed to see them again. it shall be wonderful.

with all my heart,

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

just like i'm falling in the ocean

i'm drowning in you.

with waves that toss and turn, you strike me again and again. i am battered and bruised and torn to pieces. i am so far down i have no chance to surface, and i do not struggle anyway.

i crash and burn as i sway and turn to the melody within this sea. i sing and dance to this romance that breaks me so perfectly. i'm losing air but i do not care as long as you're with me.

i am so deeply in love with this tragedy.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

this is something i randomly found that "i" wrote, and don't remember writing. i find things like this sometimes. i've recreated the way it looked on paper as best as i can in type, the different sizes and types of handwriting.
whether it's several people, or just my mind playing tricks on me, well, i can't say.
but here it is:

(Multiples). I have myself...weird word. But I am Holly. Holly anyway, so it's Holly, Jenny, Kira, Rabbit, Heather, Charlotte, Raine, Yuki, and more we've noticed so far. There are more. I know.
////// persons all in one body. One gets a trapped feeling. Maybe that's where this suffocating feeling comes from. I always feel like I can't breathe.
We like Holly. She flows better.

FLows. Flowers. I like them.

This is confusing. I can't seem to stick. I go by Heather, but I often feel weir about it. I don't know if I'm really "Heather" or not.
I tend to think that none of us is the original. The origin is lost. Even I, knowing more than others, don't know for certain, but I'm pretty damn sure the origin is lost. A lost cause.


I get scared alot. Or nervous. Worried that this is too much for us to handle.
Here I am in free-flow. Or we? Ha. We ~whee~ Idk. Lawl. Ha ha. I do flow nice, I guess. I can't decide on Holly or Jenny though. But anyway, mostly I'm afraid that nobody will believe me.

I hear them talking inside me, inside my head. I struggle for control. Afterall, who is best? I don't know what to do. I'm tired. I like Holly though. And Yuki is nice, too. I think I'm too much of nothing. Yet, I seem to be in control most often.

Ugh. I'm confused. What the heck? This pen is weird. Makes me write bigger. or something like that.

More later. i need to rest.

when we rise it's like strawberry fields

i close my eyes, and i'm drowning and suffocating in the panic attack that's barely there, the current running on high through my veins and all the walls falling down. no matter how faint, it still has it's hold, and within i'm hearing all ten voices in my head at once, rambling on in different language, different tones. men, women, and children. all separate and unique. my head is spirited away to hundreds of different places and times, yet somehow remains in this cold, dark place where i'm all alone scared to move. yet somehow i can't seem to stay still, so i press my head into the ground as though somehow this will fight off the monster i know is still on it's way.

i close my eyes, and suddenly i'm seeing into the past. i'm seeing ghost and demons from before, but mostly i'm seeing the twists and turns of the days, the torments, that haunt me the most. fingers grabbing, and hands touching, and love ultimately lost. so lost.

i have to stand up. i need to. somehow. the floor is pulling me, too much weight, but i try my luck. when i fail, i feebly attempt to pull my self up using nearby furniture. an eventually that brings me into a chair.

and that's where i lose it all, or start to get something back. it's all chance.

i want to believe in the world.
i want to believe in the lost.
i want to believe in myself.

two things:
-honesty is beautiful.
yesterday i wrote your name on a piece of paper and then folded it into a star. i hung that star on my wall, with all the others, as a reminder of dreams and better things.
sometimes i like to cut all the stars down and pretend there's a meteor shower. but then i remember that shooting stars are really falling stars, and that's really all we are. we are just stars that have forgotten the things that make us fly, and some of us are just blazing and beautiful before we burn out. and die.

-it is possible to write without a heart. it is possible to write about love and loss and understanding without a heart. it is possible to write as though the heart is with me, even if it isn't. even if it's so far away my chances of getting it back are slim to none. even so. and still, that doesn't make me a liar. i still know what i feels like. however strange that seems.
sometimes i put two fingers to my wrist, trying to convince my self through biology that it's still there, but writers never trust science.

with all my (missing)heart,

ps. life is really beautiful. you just have to open our eyes.

Monday, May 17, 2010

music keeps me company

oh. my. gosh.
normal title.

but yeah. music keeps me company. i kinda wonder if it's a bad thing that i'm so attached to my music listening. it fills the silence well, though.
when i'm alone i put my earphones on and turn up the volume to whatever song happens to be playing. i parade around with a fire for my music. i eat, create, sleep with my music.
i guess it's not so bad. probably just more loneliness making me think strange things.
it's just a way to fill the space.

so i'm glad school starts in a little over a month. i need the human interaction.
going on the trip to Cal will help, too.
the classes i'm looking forward to most are anatomy/physiology and pharmacology.
not really looking forward to the computer classes and the insurance procedures course. ew. but i'll get through it.

i guess that's all i have to say. i just fail like that. plus House is on.
i love House. it's an amazing show.
and it's taking up my attention.

with all my heart,

Saturday, May 15, 2010

I've been down here for days, have you seen me?

more music love.

this time it's Vertical Horizon. One of my favorites for sure.
Best I Ever Had is a song that's always had meaning for me.
now i'm listening to songs from their album 'Go' and i love it.

it's saturday night. thursday night i go with my nana to the hotel near the airport. friday morning, super early, we go there. we get on a plane eventually. we fly, fly, fly.
i'm so ready for California. my mom says she is going to feed me healthy food while i'm there.
haha. that's cool.
i'm crazy. my body yells at me for sweets all the time.
i guess i have an addiction to them of sorts. today all i had was a banana for something sweet. yesterday i had a little brownie with mint frosting. it was so tasty. the frosting was extra minty.
i love mint, among other things. before i discovered green tea icecream, mint icecream was my favorite. i love york peppermint patties, andes mints, peppermint mocha frapps, peppermint schapps, peppermint tea, bubblemint gum, etc.
minty mints..yum.
i love the smell, too.

speaking of smells, the honeysuckle is in bloom and it's out in my backyard and it smells delightful.
oh, and yesterday i rode my bike 15 miles and on part of the trip, coming and going, i passed a hill that had jasmine growing. another one of my favorite scents.

i also like orchid, coconut, lavender, and what i think was cinnamon sandalwood. something like that. o also love the smell of roses. those are the ones i could think of off the top of my head. i kinda wonder now what my favorite scents say about me.
now that i think of it, those scents have different things tied to them, like how lavender and peppermint are relaxing, for example.

wow. all this because i started talking about one of my favorite bands. but yeah. favorite shampoo is orchid's one from herbal essences that happens to work really well on my hair anyway.

yeah. faves. woo.

i have favorite people too. like my mom and stepdad, my siblings, my one grandmother, and some of my friends. they know who they are..probably.
each one has at least something about them that i really value or appreciate. but basically, i like them a lot for several reasons and i don;t know what i'd do without them.

with all my heart,

Thursday, May 13, 2010

love story

it began with you.

you smiled and i saw the stars in your eyes. your words were like water seeping into my veins. the attraction was instantaneous and the foolish hopes soon followed. but what could i do, but fall deeper and deeper with each passing moment. what could i do, but drown in your arms.

i didn't care if i never breathed again, as long as you were near.

we danced along our path.
sometimes fighting, sometimes sleeping, always loving. you were a nightmare and a fantasy all in one, a miracle and a tragedy so lovely, a dream i could never see clearly, and desperately, i held on. with every song i walked a little closer. with every blow i just wrapped myself tighter.

we fell into a trap.
a hurricane. the storm that threatened every shimmering fragment of our broken hearts. with palms pressed together, and fingers intertwined, we faced the wretched winds, we pushed through the screaming rain, we kept taking steps forward, but somehow always ended up back where we started.

at least, i wish we could've gone back to where we started.

it ended with me.

i fled into the night, too frightened to look back. those stars in your eyes swallowed my soul as i leaped just out of your reach. i wandered in the dark, waded through a flood of tears, and traced the place where my heart used to be. i lost my will to believe.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

teach me to believe

Originally uploaded by RainwingSilver
let the sun shine out of my eyes
let my dreams wither
here i am alone
we aren't together

i need to find my peace
to sleep in the sea of stars
but i need someone with me
please teach me

to believe in love, in life again.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

and these shadows keep on changing

i'm breaking my own rules.
because i can.

this weekend:
was good fun. awkward. more good fun. chillin'. awkward. cool.
so i went with my nana. took the puppy along.
went shopping. enjoyed the pleasantries of being away and staying in a nice, clean dwelling, for once. enjoyed the escape from reality, lalala, and having someone else to talk to.
visited a grave. i cried.
some of the carlisle landscape is so picturesque, like, out in those farm areas. so beautiful.
childhood memories when we visited the farm over there.
childhood memories at the grave.
childhood memories everywhere.

coming up this next week:
work to do.
not too much, but i have to make sure everything is in order before i leave. i have appointments to reschedule, some minor things to finish for school, work on the illustrations so maybe they'll be finished before i leave, or close.
everything needs to be packed come friday.
but i'm so jazzed, yes, jazzed to be going on this trip. seeing family-since most of my favorites are out there, maybe even a few friends if i get the chance.
a little time to relax and feel the love before school kicks in.

music love:
POE. poepoepoepoepoe. nuff' said. <3
i listened to the whole album Haunted this afternoon, in order, since it kinda tells a story that way. i love that album, the way it's set up like that and represents a sort of journey through emotions and events.
it's something different. i love it.

music is love.

and so are you.

with all my heart,

Thursday, May 6, 2010

still a good-for-nothing, i don't know


because i love it that much.
watch/listen if you haven't already.
this song makes me feel like crying sometimes, dancing sometimes, rejoicing sometimes.
it all depends.

i'll be going with my nana this weekend which means i won't be posting friday or saturday. two whole days without interwebs..omgzz...haha.
not really.
i only get online for lack of anything more entertaining around.
i actually spend more time doing other things.

but i'm looking forward to this weekend. time away from my father will be nice. away from the little things he does that bug me.

i don't really have much to say.
yesterday, an old friend added me on facebook. someone i used to be really, really close to. hearing from him again reminds me of the good old days in elementary and middle school when i could just have fun with my friends. when we brought our little pokemon toys to school to play with. when we chased each other around the field. when we tried to push the other over because back then it was funny.
when love was young and confusing and innocent.
ah, yes, i always bring it back to love.
yes, i'm talking about the first guy who ever really mean something to me. someone i cherished for bringing light into my heart where even then there was only ice.
we were fools back then, and i liked it that way.

well, i just got the call. nana is almost here.
i'm out for now.
but before i go:
i am thankful for my nana.
i am thankful for making more progress on some things today.

all my love,

in shades of grey

i'm too tired.
too tired.
all the time.
i don;t write for two days, and yes, still, this i all i really have to say.
it's dragging me down.
i spent the majority of yesterday in bed because i was so tired i had to constantly drag myself around or otherwise fall into my bed and wish i would never have to get up.
forced myself to exercise yesterday. need that.
meanwhile, i can't figure out if i just have allergies or i have a cold.
but i've been feeling sick.
sick and tired. literally. too much.

i've been working on my illustrations.
all that's left is to finish the coloring.
i'm quite thankful i'm getting them done. and i'm thankful i still have time to work on them.


with all my heart,

Monday, May 3, 2010

truths scrawled in unknown languages

summer was cruel and tainted with blood.
i should not have heard those words of lost memories, but there they were. your heart sank into mine and broke it from the inside. we were two spirits crossing the line. the trees danced, smoldering in the dry heat of the sun. flaming up, now and again, as if in dismay at our faltered circumstances.

winter was worse. far worse.
the chill the that settled in turned to frost on our spines. the air carried the scent of blood and lust, and we fell, as usual, into the trappings of misery. escape was not an option. instead, we watched our skin melt while we burned to keep the snow away. i didn't cry. i just watched. i stood by as you disintegrated for the final time. i let the ashes slip from my fingers. and i walked away.

spring was unwanted and mocking.
flowers were all in bloom and the cherry blossoms scattered in the wind. there was beauty in the air in the absence of our love. birds preyed on the remains and littered the ground with filth. but the grass was green and i thought maybe things could change. the sky was blue and i thought i wasn't the same. the rain still hid away in the clouds.

autumn was lonely. so lonely.
leaves swallowed the ground whole in a fury of color and flame. the sunlight always faded too fast and i could never catch up. i wanted to make your dreams come true, but you fled as though those leaves had chased you out. and i was left standing there, wondering how far you'd go. how far you'd take us before you remembered that all you of me was a glittering fragment of who i used to be.

last year played out of order. but my dreams you still stole.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

and in my heart, i can't contain it

i keep listening to those songs. yes, yes. is so god awful hot right now. already. it was in the high 80's today, at least. with the humidity it's horribly miserable.

on the bright side, i'm not as hungry. the stifling heat makes me feel like not eating. but i still wish it weren't so hot. i don't know how i'll sleep tonight.

although, right now it's raining outside. i might go stand out there. cool down.

time is getting closer to all the things coming up.
i'm so excited.

so yeah, well, i am about ready to get out of this horribly hot room, so i'll end it here for today.

i am thankful for the rain. heck yes. i wanted it and here it is.
i am thankful i ate sensibly today. like i should.

with all my heart,

Saturday, May 1, 2010

so fix your eyes and get up

when you go would you have the guts to say,
"i don't love you, like i did yesterday."

song of the moment: i don't love you by my chemical romance

this song is just wonderful. and i just found it today.
also: welcome to the black parade & famous last words
are good, too.

my chemical romance = love <3

i'm moving back into a dark phase. not to be confused with the negative.
i've always had my fascination with the darker elements of life. i am a little morbid, in all honesty. i like it. i like goth things. i like vampires. i like blood and gore. i like black. i like lost nights and broken stars.
it's just part of who i am.

and my hair happens to be black accident.
i was going for dark brown, but i think my hair must've been a little too light or something so now it's black. ah well. it least it doesn't look bad.
i'm a teeny bit frustrated because some of the red is showing through still, in streaks, but even that i can deal with.

i am making progress with illustrations. all but one have been started. some of them only need coloring now. i hope to get most of them completely drawn tomorrow so i can move on to coloring and have them done on wednesday or thursday.

meanwhile, i'm brainstorming to write some song lyrics. my father said if i wrote some lyrics he'd help me get music together for them.
and then, some time in the future, i'll be recording another song! very exciting for me.
so i want to be really happy with the lyrics. hence, i am brainstorming what i want in the contents of the lyrics. yes. get it all together. make it flow. make it amazing, somehow, but not really. but still nice.

at this point, nonono, i am not going to to try getting a job. with my trip and school coming up, i am going to wait now. i've tried at even the places i thought for sure i could find something, like mcd's, but no such luck. yes, that's how freaking bad the job market is right now.
my plan is to resume my job search if i determine that i can handle a job and school at the same time. that means i'll have to find somewhere i can only work weekends and nights, but we'll see. it all depends if i think i can handle it.
school is my number one priority, as soon as it begins. i can't afford to let anything get in the way this time. i have to to put a lot of my time and focus into it. so maybe a job, maybe not.

but school for sure.

i am thankful, oh so much, for music, as usual. music is love. is beauty. is life.
it lifts me up.
it eases the pain of breaking apart.
it makes me feel good.
i am thankful for what little musical ability i have because that just adds so much to it.

with all my heart,

^o^we'll carry on, we'll carry on...