Tuesday, June 28, 2011

in all honesty.

i can't expect people to understand what i've found in my life.

i recognize what a gift this is, to have a found a love so great. most people don't experience this. this feeling is like no other. two people so apart of each other. so perfect for each other. that is how we both feel.

love has never been so easy and yet so trying and so awesome, for me.

the best part of this is how we effect each other, how when we're together it's really the best medicine there is.

it's strange yet so simple, you know? that week i spent with my love by my side, just allowing ourselves to live for once....i never felt so stable. i had a very minimal amount of mood swings. i felt more calm. very little anxiety or stress.

i felt free.

and even better, it's the same way for this person i'm with. we have this effect on each other. everything just works. i was scared to be in a relationship with distance, but it's really just fine because we make it work. we are so intertwined, stuck together till the very end.

that's why i'm not afraid to speak my mind, to be open about things, even my past with other people. chances are, anything i ever write here, i've already told my love about.

we are strong enough to handle those things, and i'm glad because our past relationships partly shape how we are with later ones and it's important to be able to understand each other like we do.

that way, we fully and truly love each other. we become untouchable. there is no turmoil within the threads that we've sewn together because we didn't let fear get the best of us. we have trudged on with courage and hope and dedication.

i really think we're amazing.

so i don't expect you to understand. you may try, or you may think you get it, but you aren't feeling this like i am.

and that's okay. i am me, not you, and i'm happy it's like that. i never expected you to understand, i just wanted to express my feelings, my thoughts, and let the world judge me, or my family or my friends judge me, as they will.

it doesn't change a thing.

this love conquers all.

with all my heart,


i am happy.

fluffy dreams of bubblegum and cherry trees and sunshine.

walks below a clear blue sky and swimming in a crystal clear lake and dancing to the sweetest songs.

nobody can pull me down.

rainbows and unicorns and fairytales.

i love my job. my home. my life.

these days are the best, and always will be.

you see, i am me. free to go with the wind.

warms words and joyful thoughts. and love is easy, isn't it?

i don't need to explain myself.

Friday, June 24, 2011

the spell that keeps me here with you

when i make promises and i'm being very serious about them, i am bound to them. in the sense that, no matter how messed up i'm feeling, how much i'm freaking out, or how far off the path i've gone, if i am considering doing anything that would somehow break these promises i feel a force pulling me away from such notions.

it feels strange, but i'm glad i am like that because there have been times where that trigger is the only thing that has caused to me to turn back, to look back and see that i need to keep going, no matter how much pain i'm in.

there is someone out there who i promised i would never leave, not of my own accord anyway. so every time i walk away, if i get too close to really staying away, that little click in my head is the switch that makes me turn around.

love is the answer.

i found that there is someone i can be with who gives me stability. i don't know how. i'd like to say it's magic. life is full of magic.

maybe some people don't believe in magic. but i do. it's everywhere. and it gives me hope for the world. it's something really special and good for all of us. there is magic for everyone, i believe, if they choose to see it, to let it be whatever it will be.

all my love,

Thursday, June 23, 2011

incumbent flux

a prisoner of my own head.

i love my life. i love where things are headed because it holds a lot of promise. it has come down to just surviving, for now.

i have a temporary escape from the stresses i was facing before. getting away and being with family and having people to talk to, this is nice.

my problem is my own brain, chemically imbalanced as it is. things are starting to drag me down and i am falling back on my old habit of hiding it because i don't know what should be said and how i will be treated if i let these things show.

i'm afraid. it's not easy to be sitting here trying to push these feelings away. it's tough because there isn't some underlying issue for me to face, to work out. i'm stuck with this for the rest of my life and only one thing really helps and that's too far away for the moment.

i want to be alive again. really life. really feel. break free from this chaos.
at least i don't have too much longer to wait for salvation.

all my love,

Sunday, June 12, 2011

adventures of summer

i'm having an interesting summer so far. exciting, though.

my graduation ceremony is on Thursday. i'm not big on the whole thing, but i know a lot of people are anxious to see me.

next day, i'm headed out on the road with my buddy (my awesome grandmother) and we are going to oklahoma. taking the doggies with us, too. i just went for the rabies shot today, and had to walk home afterwards, the whole 3 miles or so almost entirely uphill to get back to my house a little after noon. not so fun, but i do what i have to do.

been pushing myself a lot lately to see how far i can go. exploring the area a bit. walking all over the places, up to 10 miles in one day, even.

and thanks to the generosity of a friend, i was finally able to get the tattoo i wanted (the concept of which changed little since about 15 years ago when i first decided i wanted it). i was nervous about it, worried it would hurt, but honestly it didn't hurt much at all and only took about an hour to be completed. the first time the needle hit my skin i though..."really? that's it?" i guess i psyched myself out a bit and thought it would hurt. part of my nervousness was due to the location,, on my upper back, where i sometimes have spasms, but all was well, and i am super happy with the results.

i am very much looking forward to this trip and seeing some family and getting away from the biodad (who only complains more and more as time goes on).

don't know where i'm headed yet. it would be nice to find a decent job in the area so i could stick around here (i really need to find something that will enable me to live on my own). i keep trying, but i haven't had too much luck.

i wish you all well.

all my love,

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

horror stories for twisted hearts. bedtimes stories of my youth.

i cannot say who this is about. no. most of you will guess, and most will get it wrong.

but you were beautiful. you were, once. back when i was younger, when i was only a child who didn't really know for sure. no, not really. back when there was no "God" up in heaven because YOU were God. to me. you were everything. the sun rose with your haunted limbs and fell back down as you threw yourself into an oblivion. life was a breath of air fueled by the oxygen you supplied as you coasted along through the halls and led us like sheep through our adventures to nowhere. journeys with no meaning. the best kind. sometimes it's more fun to not have any goals in mind. sometimes, it's better to just be.

but sometimes,
it's better, it was, to carve swords from splintered woods and beat me down for all my sins of never being a free bird, for always clinging to your shadow in spite of all the barbed wire and high voltage circuits that it cast upon me. sometimes, you were a demon, a devil, and i was all too happy to worship you as if you'd never changed from what you were just moments ago. i was all too happy to bask in the warm glow of your burning rage, the fire flowing through your veins, the chaos that carried on.

you see, i didn't know any better, i would say. we know that isn't true, but our fabricated hopes were all we had. all we could claim.
when the truth is, i loved you. i loved you, so, to a point of obsession. sometimes, i wondered if you knew that. or if you ever realized it afterwards.

for all the times i gave into your selfish desires and never whispered a word of disobedience, i wonder if you ever caught on. or if that's why you did it in the first place. if you knew from the start that i was your puppet, there to be manipulated if ever it was your will. there to be punished. there to be ruined.

but you loved me, i know. and it tormented you, late at night. you would curse yourself for doing what you did to me. yet, in the morning, bring the sunrise once again. and you fell into your usual tricks, your habitual traps. and i played your games because it was all i could do. i didn't know how else to show you, didn't know how else i could prove my flawless, yet wretched, loyalty.

and i never spoke a word.

never. though so many times, in the quiet moments where you hovered over my delicate, feeble form, as you feasted on my raw, timid flesh. it was in those moments i always fought my desperation, my deepest desire to whisper "i love you."


Monday, June 6, 2011

from what i've tasted of desire, i hold with those who favor fire

a lot has been going through my head lately.
past lovers. lost friends. new family.
those who i leave behind, and those who i start a new life with.
the mistakes i've made, the path i've taken, the trial along the way.
nothing that was ever worth it was ever obtained easily.

we're holding on. it's beautiful. i've found a reason for me. to keep going, keep growing, keep holding on. every day is a new adventure, a new challenge, a new existence. we are brave and we are bold. we wave goodbye to those who call us fools, and sail off into the horizon as champions of what once was lost, abandoned, forsaken.

i have never been so certain of where i want to be, yet so uncertain of what i will do.

i have come to accept that the majority of people who i wish could understand never will. and that's okay. it's time to be proud of who i am, the person i've decided to be. these choices are my own and i am happy with them.

i think a lot about so many things. i have a lot of worries to cover at this particular time. but i know if i keep pushing forward i will make it somehow. now that i have what i always wanted most, the rest won't be so scary.

all my love,