sometimes i'm too afraid to get close. sometimes i push people away.
this is my curse. and yet it's also my super power. i am an empath.
( i found this article about empaths: everything mentioned in this article pretty much applies to me and may help anyone trying to understand me.
the world is a confusing place. imagine if you could hear people's thoughts, but you heard them all at the same time. it would be overwhelming and difficult to make out anything you were hearing, wouldn't it?
well, this is sort of similar. but instead of hearing thoughts from everyone around me, i am feeling what they feel. it is a troublesome existence. and one that i feel like i am losing myself to, at times. i get so caught up in the emotions of others, it's difficult to recognize my own. and it hurts.
i have a yearning to understand people, to give a story to what i am feeling from others. so i listen. i listen to their stories.
i have heard so many things. so many secrets that i would never ever share. but they do not feel like burdens.
i love everyone. family. friends. enemies. strangers. EVERYONE.
i can't help it.
but the pain of the world is so strong.
(i just realized something. i can't believe the best reference to something that has occurred recently comes from Twilight, but whatever. A short explanation for those of you who have not read the book or seen the movie-Edward can hear everyone's thoughts. Then one day, Bella shows up. And for some reason, unlike everyone else, Edward cannot hear Bella's thoughts. On top of it, he is strangely very drawn to her. he gets both very frustrated and intrigued by this whole situation. I have recently had something similar occur. i have met someone whose feelings i cannot seem to feel, when everyone else's i still can. and i don't know what to do about it.)
anyway, back to what i was saying. more than anything, pain always shows through. i can tell when someone is hurting deep down, holding onto some dark secret that keeps bugging them because they have confessed it to nobody. i am usually the one to bring about that confession.
but everything is beautiful. people. animals. nature. the world.
it's sensitivity. i am so very sensitive to the world around me that i feel often like i am drowning in it.
i know this is where all my confusion comes from. why i am so unsure of my own feelings. i am drawing from the feelings of people around me so much i can barely recognize my own. it often leaves me feeling hollow. i feel like i have no room to feel on my own.
i have trouble at parties. too much noise. chaos. feelings everywhere. i am bombarded. it makes me feel really tired. dizzy. lost.
i am faced with a challenge here. choices. i have to take this journey to find my true self and my true feelings. it means giving myself a chance to be alone. but i am so very, very afraid of being alone.
all my love,