Wednesday, May 11, 2011

lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me

i've been stuck in a depression for quite some time now. normally it would do much worse, but i have such a shining light in my life right now that it's not as daunting as it has been in the past.

still, i am feeling it. i keep crying a lot. i feel distant and lonely and misplaced and lost and confused and constantly questioning myself.

this has become the life and times of a girl dealing with DID and i am getting sick of it at times because time seems all mixed up and i'm afraid to make new friends because people won't understand or know how to deal with it.

there's nothing i can do.

i'm fighting to keep my head above the surface of this sea. hoping i can make it through the day. each day, i tell myself i just have to get through the day. it starts over with each tomorrow.

and i'm unmotivated. and anxious. and muddled. blah.

i know it sucks to hear this. i keep wondering what has happened.

i've been putting on a brave face for everyone. because i know this is just my head, that nothing is truly wrong but my insides, and they are sucking me in with them, and it's hard to fight them.

but i refuse to give in. i feel like cutting. or smoking. or some stupid shit to just de-stress and feel horribly guilty about later. ugh.

someone pointed something out to me, made me see, that maybe i don't want to be apart of my family. maybe i feel like they won't accept me for me and it's better to just move on and a find a new group of people to call family and forget where i came from.

suggesting that family is the people you keep the closest or the people you pick to be around you....that home is where your heart is, so pack your bags because it never stays in one place for too long.

and i want to fly away. but one wing is not enough. and the other will never grow back.

but i think.
i think we are dreamers, lovers, we will fight for this, and we will fall, but we will be together.
i believe.

with all my heart,

i'm becoming another ghost.

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