Tuesday, May 10, 2011


i was meaning to write a blog directed specifically at mother's day, but something else found its way in.

had some talks with various people regarding connections to family and such.
this may upset some people, but i feel like speaking up and sharing how i feel because that's exactly what this blog is about. giving me a voice where i feel i didn't have one before.

i have often felt like the odd one out in my family. in a family, especially my immediate family, that does not conform to the typical standards societies has for families/people, i feel like i don't belong. not quite. i grew up with people who all stand out on their own for various reasons. generally speaking, we are all intelligent, capable, loving, fun, hilarious, good people.

but even against the rest of my family, i feel like i stand out. throughout my life i've hit a lot of different phases, different extremes, etc. and i'm the one with all the issues health-wise, both physically and mentally. i'm the crazy, sickly, outlandish one. whatever.

i don't see it to that extreme necessarily, but i feel oddly different and disconnected from the rest of my family. and though lately i've gotten closer to what might be considered "normal" i actually feel more distant from them than ever before. this is actually due to a lack of interaction with them recently. i honestly don't remember the last time i had a conversation with anyone except the oldest of my two sisters, who i converse with on a fairly regular basis despite her being super busy finishing up her freshman year in college. besides getting answers to general questions, i never hear from my mother anymore. i think this hurt me more because i understand why i don't hear much from my dad or other sister or even my brother. there are various things at play with them that keep them from talking to me more often, although i was much happier when i heard from my brother much more often.

i always felt very close to my sibling growing up. despite being outed, despite getting stuck doing a lot of work on their behalf, i was always very fond of them. there were plenty of good times. we always had four people to play videogames. we did lots of fun things together. we stuck together. made sure nobody fell behind too much. stuff like that.

we were all cool kids. and smart. and unique.

i felt a lot for my siblings. some of my feelings were misplaced, unhealthy, but it was all i knew. when you're young, you don't understand that more should be said/done about things. you don't understand proper relationships(most people as adults don't either though, but as children it's worse). you don't understand what you should or shouldn't do.

but as a child, with a single mother busy with her job to support her children, i fell into place watching over/taking care of my younger sisters. my brother, as the years went on, became more and more absent, though i viewed this as a good thing as he was hitting his early emotionally-chaotic teenage years. i was always checking to make sure my sisters got enough to eat, got homework done, were helped when they needed it, got done what they needed to, etc.

i learned to cook at an early age.

i also did a lot of the cleaning around the house.

this is all mainly when we lived in MD.

i am not bitter or angry that it was this way for me. that i held so much responsibility. sometimes i feel sad when i think how i spent more time with such responsibilities than actually enjoying my childhood and making friends. but at school i got picked on/bullied a lot and felt like an outcast anyway. so i wasn't exactly upset i wasn't getting more chances to spend time with those people.

i was a really lonely child. but i didn't feel like it. i felt more like a concerned sister. i felt even more like a desperate mother trying to do her best for her loved ones.

YES. that is how i felt. i have talked to some people about this, how i felt somewhat like a mother to my sisters. i was afraid before to ever mention this. i have felt really hurt in having to be so far away and missing out on a lot of things with my sisters ever since i went away for college and eventually left my home in CA for good.

i never wanted to steal any spotlight away from our own mother, though, by bringing up these things. and i never wanted to weird out my sisters by telling them. but i feel the need to get these feelings out. i'm tired of holding onto them. i wanted to set them free.

because you see, i'm no longer afraid of my family thinks of me. because i feel like it couldn't really get much worse. right now, i am mourning over this realization: that i am not really apart of my family now. it keeps making me cry ever since i started working through it in thoughts saturday night.

i miss my family terribly. i keep wishing i would somehow have the chance to see them this summer. but i know it won't happen. and even if i did, i feel like the distance is a permanent thing. this feeling may never be changed.

i love my family dearly. there is nobody i love more than possibly my significant other, but that's a different kind of love, in a sense. nothing is quite like the love for my family.

i just feel estranged now. estranger. estrangier. extraneare. extraneus.

with all my heart,

i know there are those of you, dearest family, who read this. to you, i say: I love you and I mean no harm by what I'm saying here. You all know me well enough to know that, I think. And I know you all care. And I know you all love me. So don't take this the wrong way.

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