head over heels

for a nurse named joy.

okay not really. just that head over heels made me think of a song. a pokemon song. i used to love singing it.

it's true that i have never been very open about it when i have been totally into a girl. i'm used to hanging out with guys. i know how they think. i'm comfortable with them.

but girls? i still don't really understand them.

you can try to point and say that i'm a girl, but i would shake my head and say no.

no, i am not a girl.

fact: at one time, i seriously considered getting a sex change at one point. (but it all fell through when i realized i love my body the way it is, even if i don't feel female at all sometimes, even when i'm totally being a boy).

i get so shy around girls. plus, it's not exactly socially acceptable to be openly into a girl. and oh my god..if the girl turned out to be straight and i acted interested...

i really don't want to make people uncomfortable if i'm into them. i've been really interested in some of my straight friends before, but knowing they were straight i never said anything and never showed it.

there was one girl in high school in particular who i was practically in love with....seriously. she was so amazing and still is and i wanted so much to be with her, but honestly...i just chickened out. i was scared. i was scared of losing her as a best friend if i told her (even though she was openly into girls) and i was scared i would totally blow it.

i never thought i'd openly admit to this, but i've done my fair share of things with girls/women to know that i am definitely into them.

fact: i have had more crushes on girls by far than i have on guys


so why have i always ended up in all these "official" relationships with guys?

well, i had to face this some time: socially, it was easier. and less scary since i'm comfortable with guys. and things just happen. my attraction to men and women is almost equal, with a slightly higher attraction to women.

fact: i can't stand to look at naked men (except a guy if i'm with him), but i love looking at naked women.

yeah, i admitted it.
i'm not afraid anymore. i'm not afraid of getting negative comments about this.

so what if i like girls?

let me say this: i think i have found somebody pretty much perfect for me because it's definitely a lot easier for two genderqueers to be together. (it's nice not to have to choose between boys or girls and physically i have fun either way, no matter what parts are present or not).

maybe i'll get shit for all this stuff. i don't know if i care so much.
i learned not too long ago that real friends stick by you. and i'm pretty sure everyone who reads this blog is already aware of many of these things or doesn't mind either way.

and gosh, you know, i'm just so dang happy. i am so proud of myself.

i'm so confident these days. i'm more open and positive and clear-headed and it's all without medications(which make me fuzzy and dull anyway).

i have so much amazing-ness to look forward to. so exciting!

i feel so blessed because i grew up with a mommy who was accepting. even so, i felt weird being open even top my family in the past because as far as i really know i am the only non-heterosexual in my immediate family(they can always correct me if i'm wrong).

maybe i will stay with this person and we will settle down and get married and have children and all that, but i'm pretty sure i'll still always be attracted to women. and ze is totally aware of that fact. and totally accepting.

love is nice when it works out.

all my lovey doveys and stuffs,
Heather