Friday, January 21, 2011

little things that mean the most-2

this a story that i have always had a mixture of shame, awe, confusion, and appreciation for.

This story actually takes place before the previous one, when I was still dating JCH.
It takes place back during my junior of high school.

Honors English Book Project.
I was in a group working on a project for Honors English. The project required time spent after school.

One day, I stayed after to do my part to help with things we were working on for the project. Hours kind of flew by that day. And as the time dwindled down, later and later, the next thing I knew, only two of us were left there: me, and my friend, who I will refer to as KM.

Now, i want to give a bit of background on this whole thing.

Firstly, KM is someone I met during my sophomore year, my first year at the school. He was very charismatic, outgoing, talented, intelligent, and easily one of the most well known and popular people at school. Everyone liked him, from what I could tell.
And me, the new, shy, quiet girl with no friends saw him and he caught my attention. Like some bright shooting star I couldn't help but watch him from afar, in awe of what i was seeing.
We never, in all our time there, spent much time together. I always wanted to. I will not say I was obsessed or anything, no. It wasn't like that. But I was very, very interested in him. And only became more so as time went on and I got to know him more.

Secondly, on the particular day that this took place, I was pretty sure I wanted to break up with my boyfriend JCH because I was an emotional wreck, to say the least, and it didn't seem like things were going so well.

there I was. For the first time ever, it was just me and KM.
I remember, at some point, I had to ask to use his cellphone to call my mother so she would come pick me up, but I can't remember for sure if that happened before or after what I'm about to get into.

I was upset. Distraught. Clearly. And in the midst of someone who I really admired, really liked, really felt some sort of something for, I broke down a bit. Showed myself a little more. Let myself open. Took off the mask I wore almost constantly.

And KM, I knew, he was very caring. i could tell, somewhere beneath the sunny exterior, was something more. Something darker. Some form of his own distress, despite the fact that he seemed to have so much going for him.

We talked. He wanted to cheer me up. he didn't want me to be sad like that. And for whatever reason, I felt like it would be okay if I opened up to him. So i did. I told him how upset and I was and how I was thinking I should break up with my boyfriend and all these things. Maybe putting this kind of trust in him, in turn, opened something up in him, too.

he started to tell me things. he tried to tell me how wonderful a person i really was. how special i was. and... the one of the biggest surprises in my entire life, that he had always liked me. i mean LIKE-LIKED me.
i immediately fell into a state of shock. i blinked. didn't know what to say. how? why? i could not comprehend just then how someone who i figured never really noticed my existence half the time could possibly ever have....ever have been interested in me at all. logically, i reasoned, surely he had all kinds of girls after him. girls that weren't quiet, pathetic loners like me. SURELY.
yet, he meant it. obviously.

I was sitting on the couch in that room. he was standing, leaning in towards me, facing me.

The next thing that happened completely threw me off, but also threw away all the doubt in my mind that he meant what he said. he had this smile on his face, sort of a smirk, sort of sweet, i really don't know. hard to describe.

maybe this next part is predictable, from what i've said.
he leaned in closer and kissed me. gentle, but not completely. just enough passion.
i could've reacted two ways in this situation. either pull away, or return the gesture. considering how i felt, the state i was in, the feelings i had for him, i did not pull away. i embraced it. i kissed him back. and after he pulled back, he told me he had always wanted to do that. i was completely baffled.

and okay, so we ended up sitting on the floor making out a little. i liked it. he was a good kisser. really good. and sweet. and loving in a way. and for a moment i was able to step away from pain and stress and just be. and feel. and live. this only lasted maybe 5 minutes or so. i really don't know. and then he stopped. and told me i shouldn't break up with my boyfriend.

as if i wasn't shocked enough. since when does a guy admit he has liked you for a long time, decide to kiss you (and you kiss him back, making it obvious that the feelings are mutual) and then tell you that you should stay with the person you are currently with depsite the fact that things are not going so well?

i think, probably, had he instead said he wanted to be with me and wanted me to break up with my boyfriend, i would've done that. my feelings for him were too strong, and my relationship with my boyfriend at the time was so stressful.

but no. he told me to keep trying. i'm sure he knew he could've had me for himself, if he just said he wanted that. he had to have known that, the way i was acting. he made me promise him i would keep trying though. and all i could do was make that promise, despite a huge part of me really wanting to forget who i was with and be with KM.

there is another part to this. i don't remember, we must've talked about things with my past and sexual abuse that i had gone through because he sat there after that trying to help me. trying to teach me to speak up. trying to teach me to fight for myself. not let people just do whatever they wanted.

i was so shocked though, it was tough for me to do anything. we sat there facing each other. he would move in to touch my chest, wanting me to react, to stop him. at first, he put his hand there on me, not in any inapprpriate way, but enough to try to make a point. but all i could do was stare back at him.
he kept shaking his head and telling me no. telling me i can't just let that happen. he did the same thing over and over again, and soon enough i did what he said and kept him from doing it. granted, he never used any force or anything, the way it has been in real situations, but i don't think he was capable of making it seem any more real. i think he wanted to be as careful as he could about it, but still help me somehow.

(years later, when something happened that really tested me on how much i had taken away from that day, i failed. crumbled. too overhwelmed and distressed at the time to fight back like i should have.)

KM never really talked me to ever again about what happened that day. and i never said anything either. i was too afraid to ruin whatever friendship i did have by bringing it up because i wasn't sure if he really wanted to ever bring it up.

but it has always stuck with me. and i have often wondered since about what could've been. the only other thing since then was a phone conversation two or three years ago where the same feeling sort of came into play. i haven't really said anything to him since. and the only other memory of some odd significance to me is related to rehearsal time for the winter play i mentioned in my previous post. a moment where he was up on stage playing piano, and i walked over, and just leaned over and laid my ear against the piano, and felt the vibrations and the music he played.
i think we always understood each other. but feelings get in the way of being able to really approach a person.

there is a side note to this whole thing because obviously you who read this must've paid enough attention to realize a certain fact.
I kissed one guy while i was dating another. yes, this is true. and i do not regret it.
yes, to me, that would be cheating, in a sense. i will not excuse myself due to my fragile state of mind or my lack of ability to properly reason at the time. because i know i do not regeret it. i did not really even regret it at the time.
also, i took the best action i could at the time. the same night, at home, i called my boyfriend and told him what happened. i have always believed that is important to be honest, especially with those who you really love and care about. i apologized. i knew it wasn't really fair for me to do that. and i told him that i wanted to stay with him and i wouldn't do it again. i know he must have been sad about it, but he accepted it. we stayed together. truthfully, despite the situation and my feeling for KM, i did not at all hope that my boyfriend would break up with me because of what happened. i was actually more determined to make things work.
as it turns out, JCH, the aforementioned boyfriend, i am no longer with and have since realized never really treated me like he should have. whether he tried or not, he often times used my emotional instability against me while we were together. and still did on some occasions after we broke up. and much more recently, even convinced me that we should get together again, telling me how he had thought so much and realized we were so good together and he really wanted to be with me. and foolishly, i consented. i hesitated at first, but he eventually reeled me in. only a couple of weeks later, to disappear. here everything seemed to be going well with us again, and he vanished without so much as a word for why. completely stopped talking to me. i didn't know for sure what was h=even happening until he changed his freaking facebook status back to single. and i crumbled. and hurt. and knew it was kind of my fault for being naive, when really i should've known better.

i was not in a good place at the time. my "uncle" had recently passed away. i was alone. nobody i could really go to if i needed someone to spend time with. i was horribly depressed. i just wanted some sort of happiness with someone again.

that's why in my current relationship, i have been a lot more cautious. not so quick to trust. not so quick to agree. hesitant at the fact that for now it has to be long-distance. in fact, i wasn't really looking for anyone. a friend, maybe. someone to talk to, mostly.

without any expectations, ever, from either person, love began to bloom right under our noses and we caught on much later to the fact that it was happening and we didn't even realize it at first.

i am happy. and fond of this story. there is a lot of learning and understanding i can draw from it. it is the one and only time i have truly been unfaithful in a relationship, despite what others may have heard, despite what others think they know.

my boyfriend now has already heard this story. has already been told everything i have mentioned here. we share these things with each other. i felt it was only right that he know i ever did anything of that sort, even that.

honesty is important in relationships. real honesty. brutal honesty. we have learned quickly that sometimes the truths we share hurt each other, but it doesn't take long for us to work through them and make each other feel really happy again. in the end, sharing things like that, things we have some sort of shame about, has helped us become closer and has helped us grow as a couple.

i will not lie. there have been times where both of us have raised our voice. never really to the point of yelling, but definitely enough to show hidden anger or hurt about something. but it doesn't really phase us. because we discuss the issues, work through them right away, and get stronger. every day.



  1. Me n momy yell sometimes. She calls me a stupid dumbass and I call her an Fing C. Then, later, we calmly talk about it and laugh and have sex. OOOH. TMI. Point is that anger (not rage) and ecstasy (not mania) are normal and required as a natural part of communication. Sometimes we blow up and it ain't anybodys fault. It just happens. Some days are like that. You don't take it personally, shrug it off and move on because it's almost always not about you. And if somehow it is, then the angry outburst opens the door for discussion about what causes the anger and then you can work toward correcting it...or shooting him. <3

  2. yep...basically my point. i'm glad i figured it out this early in my life because i realize that there are so many people out there, so many couples much older than me that have not learned this.