Sunday, March 6, 2011


it's funny how i know i am very different now from how i was four months ago, yet a lot of the time i feel just the same as i was back then.

this blog has just been me. filtered but not too much. honest, but private sort of.
me me me me me me me.

i feel like saying this. i am not a boy or a girl. or i am both. neither. one or the other depending on how i feel. i am brainstorming boy names for myself. it's fun.

sometimes i wish i were more androgynous. sometimes my sister tells me i look like a boy. and inside, i have the biggest smile on my face.

i can't ever decide between long and short hair. long hair is so pretty and fun, but more girly. i guess it doesn't have to be. but it feels girly to me.

i don't know. honestly, i am still confused and unsure about a lot of things.

but what i am sure of is, i love my life because i love my family and my best friend right now and my other good friends and etc.

and things work out. i have been working on stuff and it's going well enough.

i am actually quite nervous if i do get this job i just interviewed for because i think i will put a lot of pressure on myself when i shouldn't. sure, i had school, but this is hands on and the real thing and it's still very new to me and they know that and won't expect me to be perfect but i so very much want to do well.

if i get the job, that is. i will be okay either way. which is nice. it is nice to sit here and not freak out that "oh know what if i don't get this job then where else should i look and what are my chances and what am i going to do oh no oh no" because i realize that just because one thing doesn't work out it doesn't mean nothing ever will.

hey, i learned something!

some stranger popped in and said something nice and changed my mind about the biggest decision i had ever made for my life and it doesn't seem like that makes sense but it does.

can you tell i'm in a run-on sentence mood?

i am actually feeling quite ill at the moment. i have been lightheaded the majority of the day plus my throat has been very sore and i am not happy about that.

but anyway, i am happy because i am happy because i am in love and it is working and i love people and life is okay because there are still good things and my biodad isn't home to bug me right now. woo.

i love you. love you. love you all.

with all my heart,

PS. this is so totally PFA

1 comment:

  1. It's so wonderful to see adult words, sentences and thoughts in your blog. Growing up really is a good thing even with the extra responsibility that it brings. Boy, girl, dunno. All I know is that I have only ever seen you go head over heels for boys...and none of them were gay. You seem to be learning that putting all your eggs in one basket is a recipe for failure and heartache. A little bit of everything keeps us happiest...some friends, a pet, a job, a lover, ice cream cones, family, anime...then when one of them gets lost it doesn't feel so bad because you have all the other things to keep you going while you find what you lost.