Thursday, May 12, 2011

it's the way i am, it's in the way you tore my heart

and where there is hurt.

and where there is anger.

and where the sadness stills my heart.

and where the loneliness kills me.

two people are only one person and we are together always and i love.

i dream. i hope.

i believe.

i am compassionate. forgiving. caring. loving.
i may tell you that i do not like one person or another, but i will always help anyone in their time of need.
why? because i love.

do not mistake what i say. i try to point out that i know that i am loved and cared for and somehow it gets missed.

biodad badly sprained his foot and can't walk. so.
i made breakfast and took it up to him. poured him a glass of orange juice. put ice pack in freezer and took it back to him once it was cold enough. keep asking if he needs anything.

this is me.
i love my friends and family. but i also love my enemies. there is not enough love going around in the world to spend any time intent on hating others and making them miserable.

i have feeling enough to recognize that i feel bitter, even angry, when people hurt me or mistreat me, or disrespect me, or betray my trust.
but i have heart enough to know i can't intentionally hurt anyone, even my enemies.

once somebody is my friend, they are my friend for life.

life-time benefits package for friends of me, i sometimes think of it.

even the person who i might say hurt me more than anyone else-if he called me (and he only would if he really needed to) i would answer and do what i could for him.

hate, loathing, grudges....these are a waste of my time.

love, compassion, forgiveness...these are part of my heart. my soul. my being.

i'm depressed, but i see through it. maybe that wasn't clear.
i use this as an outlet. as a way to get my feelings out there. as a record of how i speak in every type of feeling. it helps me learn and grow and get through my feelings.

but i'm educated enough, experienced enough at this time to know see what it is for what it is and do the best i can. which i think these days is much better than what i could do before.

i don't know what changed in the past year that people stopped really talking to me.
sitting there watching a relative of mine cry because someone else in our family who she loves and cares about deeply won't talk to got me thinking. i have, for years and years, held family as one of the most important things in life. it's the main reason why, though i knew others would not like it, that i made the effort to keep in touch with my biodad over the years. it's the reason as a child that i often pushed my own hurts and haunts aside to do what i thought was best for the family, to keep us together, to avoid more turmoil. that's why i never spoke up about what was really going on, how much i was being hurt. sure, part of it was fear because i was too young to understand that i wouldn't be punished further for telling someone, but more so it was my desire to keep our family together.

it's part of why i keep blogging, even. when i realized that this blog could be a way for me to speak up and be heard by my family, it got even better. i may not always like what people comment on my blogs, or when they miss something in a blog i thought was vital to see, but i am happy to have a voice, when before i felt like a mute.

there is love. and where there is love, there is me. my heart.

all my love,

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