Wednesday, November 16, 2011

life, the universe, and everything

it has come to my attention that i am terrible at keeping up with anything now that i have a job.

suffice it to say, i love having a job. my job really isn't so bad. a bit boring, but oh well, it's a job. i work in a call center where i talk to dr offices and pharmacies and process faxes all day. not super exciting, but it does use my pharmacy tech certification and knowledge.

furthermore, having a job, while limiting, is also liberating. for the first time in my life, i pay for everything on my own. i am capable of getting everything i need and doing everything i need without any help. i finally have enough food and a place all my own and i get to have fun and also be responsible.

i personally really enjoy this...this being an adult.

honestly, i was scared of being on my own for the first time for real. i was scared of being responsible for all the bills and groceries and etc things in life that i need. but it turns out that i am so much more capable of existing on my own than i realized.

in fact, it seems to suit me quite well.
i am much more confident and happy like this.

now bring in a relationship. one that has lasted for over a year. bring in said person and at first i wasn't so sure. i had settled into my own way of doing things, my own comfortable routine. a routine with lots of freedom, but a routine none the less. i got really comfortable and i was really, really happy.

but reality has to hit you somehow, someway...eventually.
so i face a new challenge: living/sharing with another person and having that added responsibility of being accountable to them.

and i got really upset and disoriented and confused about it.
i've settled a bit now, but i'm a bit unsure.
but i've figured out that i'm kinda like that (while the rest of you knew for years and got irritated about it, haha).

i like being free and doing my own thing and having friends and not having to worry about too much. so i'm trying to figure out if i need that space or if i can find my own way with someone by my side.
whatever i decide, i'm taking my time to really know what i need to do for myself.

meanwhile, i am plagued by nightmares and the return of more severe seizures and i have nothing i can do about them just right now.

i also found a friend. a really good friend right here near where i am to spend time with and talk to who understands me a lot.

it's nice to have people to talk to and have fun with, people who understand and can help if i really need it.
at the same time, i continue to keep from depending too much.

i am constantly keeping awareness to emotions and thoughts and those kinds of things you all know i'm always wrestling with. and trying to keep them in check. and still handling them without any meds. yay!

and i am in a pretty happy place right now. so i'm trying to make it last and make it better when possible.

i'll try to start posting more again. my internet is currently at the mall in a game store where some friends work at, but i'll try to keep up with it anyway.

i miss all of you loyal friends/family/etc peoples that read this that i don't see much and i send my love.

with all my heart,

ps. RAIN. i have used this name for year in secret but i have grown to love it more and more so i go by it around where i am. doesn't mean i hate Heather or anything.

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