so yesterday i typed out the whole thing. all at once. with moments to just breathe in between almost every paragraph.
i should've expected that as soon as i finished, that i would shut down like i did. my mind decided to turn off my emotion completely, while somewhere inside i wrestled with the hurt i felt. typing that out yesterday meant going through and remembering every feeling i felt at the time. not fun at all. but i gave myself some time after to just relax and turn my emotion back on when i was ready. and i am lucky because i have someone who cares about me dearly who i feel very comfortable talking to no matter what, and talking to him yesterday helped me a lot. i did not have shoulder to cry on, or anyone to hug, but i had love, somewhere out there in the world, and i have found that even in my darkest moments that love is all i really need to find my way out into the light again.
the fact is, after maybe a couple of hours spent dealing with my emotions, the internal struggle, all i did was talk to him and it wasn't long before i was smiling and giggling and feeling perfectly happy again.
love can be amazing like that. i feel incredibly blessed by what is happening in my life now. my boyfriend pointed out the fact that i have improved on certain things in the time that we have been together. that i am much better at making decisions and taking responsibilty and am not so uncertain and scared anymore. and told me he was proud of me for it.
it's nice when someone tells you they're proud of you. it just feels good to hear that. from anyone, but especially people i really care about.
i am almost done with school and i am working on the next steps in my life. getting out and finally living my own life. things like moving out and getting a job and getting my driving license and such. i know what i want to do. i will discuss these things further with the people it matters to later on, closer to when things will actually occur. but just know that i am taking responsibility for the choices i make and that if i fall on ym face for it, i will know that it's my own fault.
i know whatever happens, my life is about to change in many ways this year. but for the better, it certainly seems.
all my love,