so old it's new

i can't really say it's hard to predict how things will go with my life.
i may be as unpredictable as ever but my life for the most part steadies itself on a wave thats always shifting below or above par.

i am stressed. out. lately.

i don't know what it is for sure. i think it is the stress of my expectations for my own employment as well as someone else's. i think it is the holidays. i think it is a confusion.

a confusion like....i am processing. and processing.
trying to understand what something awesome really means in my life.

i feel pretty lucky because..
as you all know...
it is tough for anyone to understand me.

i mean, really, truly,definitely understand what is going on in my head.

and i finally came across someone who gets it, really gets it, without even trying. i have, finally, someone present consistently to confide in who gets it.

i am confused because i don't know how much this person is supposed to mean to me. i don't know much they may mean to me someday. i don't know what i will do if i manage to push them away.

but i don't know what i will do if i push anyone else close to me away as well.

i really don't know because it is always so scary.

i am trying to figure some things out but i always get stuck in this limbo as usual at every age and every point of time because that is me: forever undecided. unable to make up my mind and settle on something because i'm constantly thinking up the what-if's.

i'm constantly thinking, thinking, and i can't stop thinking because i can't.

and right now i can't sleep because there are nightmares and demons and things.

and i can't relax because my body refuses and i have seizures and fingers chewed until they hurt and bleed and i make my way through this weird state through the day and do what i need to do.

i need more time to think. dang.

all my love,
Rain