Monday, May 2, 2011

breathing in dreams

i am happy.

despite a whole freaking mess due to trusting one person i shouldn't have, i am happy.

because i still have what matters most, the most amazing other half i could ever dream of. because we are staying together. because everything always works out. ALWAYS.

seriously, so it has been almost six months. we hit a bit of a rough patch for a bit but realized we can't live without each other.

i seriously think i might be with the person i will be with for the rest of my life. just because everything always works. we raise voices and get pissed off at each other, you know? but like...not over anything really serious. and then when we do we always end up talking it out and feeling so much better afterward. it's important to get frustrations out and we never stay mad or hold grudges about shiz. and we always help each other out when we can, however we can. and we make each other better people.

i have found someone that, when i'm around him, i feel stable. like the chaos in my head all quiets down and i can just be myself and everything is fine. the mood swings are still there but nowhere near as severe. personality flops are minimal and more controlled.
i just feel so calm and level when i'm around him. i can think straight and stay focused. i don't even bite my nails much at all just because there is no anxiety or worry or anything. i am able to sit still and just be.

this is really significant for me. most of the time i feel like i must always keep my hands occupied, must always be doing something, gotta keep running. with my thoughts all over the place and i can't hardly sort them out.

and he motivates me to be a better person. not just because he pushes me to do so, but really because he makes me feel like i really can be a better person and the happiness i feel with him makes me want to be a better person.

he makes me feel beautiful just as i am. i am constantly changing the way i dress, my hair color, etc but he always embraces these things.

he never panics or walks away when i start to freak out or get really moody or feel really weak. he's always on top of it, doing everything he came to help me in those times. always. without hesitation. and he never complains about it, no matter how much i get that way. the way he is makes me feel like i'm really not a burden at all.

and there is positive change with him as well. just in the time i have known him, he has become more positive, confident, motivated, sensible, hardworking, etc. people around him, friends and family, have noticed this change. have noticed how happy he is. and like what they see.

i got to meet his family and friends during my trip to NC back in April. they were all very nice to me and seem like really good people. i felt completely at ease being down in NC for a whole week, despite having never been there before, and only really knowing a couple of people beforehand.

so yeah. i think i found me a keeper. we intend to make this last for a long, long time. not sure where we'll end up. i might move closer to him, or he might move closer to me. it mostly depends on how job stuff turns out. i am really looking forward to my life though, now that i've found what i looked for so many years.


on a side note, i dyed my hair blonde. and it looks pretty good. i want to lose about 15 pounds so i am thinking of going on a diet possibly. i also intend to start working out a little to gain some muscle tone because that's more of what i'm lacking.

i feel healthier lately. for whatever reason. i've been doing what i can to stay healthy. hypoglycemia was kicking my ass for a bit but that seems to be getting better since i started eating light snacks more often. i've also been taking vitamins and a chinese herb and i walk a lot more.
i'm excited because my stamina is returning. i walked at least 6 miles the other day and it didn't wear me down at all, when before i would walk two miles and feel tired.

normally, with recent events, i would be freaking out and feel awful and depressed and such, but i don't feel like that right now. i'm just so excited about the future. it's going to be totally awesome.

all my love,

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