Saturday, April 24, 2010

better is one day

i gazed out the window of the car, at the water of the lake as we passed it by, in the dim, grey light of the night. i remember back in the days when i used to sit beside him in his car as the miles passed by, how i would gaze at the river, how in the evenings when the sun was down it was easy to imagine that the water was the sky. the reflection of the trees sretched out to become like pillars that held us up in this grey sky.
i remember the fear. he would get so angry sometimes. i remember the fear that one day we would really take the plunge off the edge of the road. i recall that sometimes the fear would freeze me in my place, and i would become unable to speak. and i could only pray in my heart that my fear would not be realized.
and sometimes we came close, too close for comfort, really.
and i only became more afraid. so afraid.
how we might dive into that grey sky, how we would sink, how we would fall, how we might drown.
i was so scared.

looking out on that lake tonight i remembered that old fear. and felt it creep into my veins for just a moment. felt it cover my skin and cloak me in darkness. felt it take over for just that one moment.

and then it was gone.


so tonight i got to dance and enjoy myself a little bit at the reception after the renewal of vows. it was all old music, but i can dance to anything. pretty much.
so i danced.
and felt a happy for a little bit.

but i just felt even more alone in that crowd of people. alone and out of place.
oh well.

i am thankful i'm not afraid to dance in front of people. i love dancing. i miss dancing with my friends.
i am thankful for music. once again. love of my life, in a sense.

all my love,

1 comment:

  1. Hopefully, when the fear left it took your desire to reconnect with him also. Walk out of that darkness and into the light; into the arms of someone who will love you like you deserve to be loved. He is out there waiting for you. You just haven't met him yet but be patient. To revisit that swirl of trauma would only serve to plunge you back into the turbid depths as dark as that river that coursed so temptingly to him along side the car. Turn and walk in the other direction.