Thursday, April 29, 2010

i'd watch the stars die

if only you would...

i keep thinking about things today. oh, wait, that's every day. so,
more specifically, i've been contemplating my weaknesses and strengths.
where my life has meaning and where it falls apart.
the things that add a little burst of starshine to my day.

i have been writing these little poems on an avatar site that my random buddies on there read. which, to my surprise, they actually do. even better, i keep getting all this positive feedback on my poetry. though it's all done on the spot, i've been relatively happy with how each little piece has turned out, and others seem to enjoy it.
i like this spark of creativity in me. i'm challenging myself in this way, also, to have to come up with something on the spot with any actual merit.
and i've learned that i'm quite capable of doing so.
makes me feel a little warm and fuzz inside when people leave comments on my poetry.
i often don't get any on deviantart, mostly because i'm not that popular on deviantart. because deviantart is in many ways a popularity contest and honestly i've felt put down by it sometimes, but overall i still enjoy it.
i am thankful i can write like that, that i'm able to. and i'm thankful for the people who leave me those comments. it makes me smile.

as for weaknesses...
well, i'm really struggling here. with dieting. you wouldn't believe how hard it is to stay away from food i'm not supposed to eat when i'm on a medication that makes me hungry almost all the time. the only time i'm not hungry being when i'm stuffed.
i crack under pressure. almost every day.
where the heck did i find the willpower to do that fast?
that shouldve been harder. or you'd think it would be, maybe.
but when i'm actually eating, i have options, and i tend to be hungrier.
on the fast i just drank my apple juice when i got hungry and i was fine.
but now that i'm back to eating, it bothers me all the time.
i literally feel like 'll go crazy if i don't eat sometimes. that's fairly accurate. i get jittery and racing thoughts and stuff like that when the hunger is there. which tells me it's all in my head. and i'm sure it's the medication, but i can't do much about that. this is the third med i've tried and trying to find another would be too much. really.
i'm trying to figure out how well it's actually working.
like, i don't know if i'm still getting depressed too often, manic too often, even on this medication.
i'll have to ask my therapist about it.

i totally cave every time.
maybe if that stuff just wasn't in the house, but that can't happen.

anyone have any tips on what i could do to get myself to eat less?
and maybe how to fight sugar cravings rather than giving into them?
because i really don't know what to do.
something screams at me for sweet things until i give in and have a little bit of something like bread or oatmeal or juice. but then i tend to overdo it and eat too much of it because i keep feeling hungry.
i've been thinking of trying to drink water whenever i get hungry but i can't seem to get the method down correctly. maybe it actually is a good idea if i could only get it right.

i think that's really it. i gotta get working on my illustrations.
but first...a bike ride! since i missed out today going on the rail trail because my father didn't want to go.

all my love,

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