Wednesday, April 21, 2010

sometimes i feel my heart will overflow

hello, i've just got to let you know

if you know what song those lyrics are from, you're cool. i happen to like that song and was listening to it today, even though it strays a bit from what i generally listen to.

so anyway,
i'm feeling a little bit les..shall we say apathetic?
i don't know.
i'm so sorry if i sound like some heartless bitch who has nothing better to do than complain and hate on just about everything.
it's just how i feel right now.
i'm trying to be as honest as i can here.
and honestly, i feel like hating on things when the reality is that all i truthfully despise whatsoever is my own life.
now, i am taking action to improve upon things. but the fact is that i feel awful without a social life. and i fail at getting one back now that it is so much harder to obtain one. and i'll keep failing. and i'll keep hating it.
and i'll keep hating myself for being fat and not being able to do much about it because my food craving an lack of the right things to eat causes me to eat stuff i shouldn't and i can't do much about that since i don't have the money to buy more of the "right" foods. the hunger drives me crazy if i don't eat, so i can;t just avoid eating when i can't find anything i'm supposed to eat.
i am thankful that i am not super fat, that i maintain that much control over it, but still. ugh.

i need people back in my life. i need love back in my life. because right now, i'm sitting here on the verge of tears.
i'm sure i'll go to bed tonight and cry into my pillow and continue wishing that certain things had gone differently, and wishing i had more power to get things to go the way i'd like them to.

i like that i write this blog every day. it helps me collect my thoughts. organize things more. figure things out. and the like.

so..there's this guy named patrick. tall; short, black, somewhat spiky-looking hair; dark eyes. he's been bugging me for some time since i moved here. maybe haunting is a better word because patrick is some sort of spirit, ghost, or otherwise maybe not even really existent.
but he's there.
i think most of the people who read this blog are already aware that i see things like this. as to whether they are real or not, well, that is a matter of opinion and speculation and frankly, i'm either crazy or i'm crazy.
but now patrick has invaded my dreams.
and i don't think i like it.
patrick disturbs me.
and his lustful tendencies make me nervous.

here i've been having my typical dreams of being with a certain loved one, feeling wonderful, and patrick is taking this person's place.
he did so last night, and though i was able to dispel him from said dream, the fact that he managed to find his way there just really bothers me.
i really wish i could get him to go away.
but he won't.
he refuses to leave me alone.
i'm not sure what to do about it.

if anyone has any advice, other than to just ignore him because it never works that way, than feel free to share.
for now, i guess i'll deal with him.
i'll probably mention him to my therapist. i think that at least would be a start in the right direction.

what bothers me more anyway is how much i miss people. how alone i feel.
and maybe that's why i can;t get patrick to leave, now that i think of it.
because i feel so alone.
it's nice having someone around to talk to, to have the presence of another being with me.
he tries to be a friend, i think, though he annoys me.

but regardless, i do so miss people.
and my heart aches to see people.
that's why even a day of fanime would be such a dream come true because i would get to see so many of my dear friends there, even in just one day, that it would be spectacular.
seeing my family will be nice though, and i might get to see some of the friends that live somewhat close by, like my roseville buddies.

now i know i'm going to cry eventually tonight.

all my love,

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