so break my legs

note: this was typed last night. i warn you, however, that it shows a darker, more moody side of me.

i freaking hate the world, okay? just in general. not individuals.
though i must say id o loathe some certain individuals, but it's not like i'll name any names.
just a warning,
this is me getting anger out.
resentment.
this is me being bitter.


it's fine, i hate myself most.
i'll never be happy with what i have, or i ever i am, that will quickly be taken away so that i am back to not being happy with what i have.
whatever love was really amazing...say goodbye.
whatever comfort was best...forget that, it's gone now.

i know i am too obsessed with my physical appearance. i can't help it. i am shallow for being so focused on my physical appearance, i know.
whatever.
oh hey,
and i'm a person filled with envy.
overflowing, in fact.
because i'm too damn just below the line mediocre at whatever i do.
it pissed me off and tears me up inside because i can't seem to be great at anything.
i'm a terrible mess of attempts at talent and genius.
i can;t seem to settle for being just as good as i am.

people see my art and say how awesome amazing beautiful whatever it is, and all i can think is how i wish i were better, more talented, more capable.
i'm so messed up.
i am.
i keep trying to deny it.
i lie and say it's fine.
oh, everything is just great...
except i hate my life.
nothing is the way i want it.
i'm not who i want to be.
inside or out.
i can;t make up my mind.
i'm a total wreck and my only wondrous talent is for covering it up 99.9% of the time.
this is me being real.
the only time i actually like myself, except when i was with a certain individual who couldn't care less about me these days.
and i drown out in that kind of hurt. feeling lost and confused.
my heart is gone.
my life is pathetic.
i feel like waste, but not being around seems like a waste also.

so really, i'm at a loss here.
and if you actually got through to this point then i would like it if you told me what to do.
anything.
just tell me something.
yeah?

i really do care about things.
i really don't understand myself.

and by the way...at some point when i wasn't myself i bit my nails down again and ruined almost all of the progress i made with them.
i mean, really? screw that idea.
i will try again, though.
but i'm really disappointed now with myself.
angry at myself.
etc.