when all i can say is NO

there is no coherent thought.
there is only chaos.
mania, mania, frickin' mania.
hate, hate, hate.
the whole entire frickin' world pisses me off.
so frickin' much.
so much.

i hate it. omfg seriously?
i hate it.
it, it, it.
ugh.

i'm pulling at my hair, scratching my arms, throwing fists around like crazy.
i tried red marker so i wouldn't cut, but it didn't help.
i wanted to go on a walk, but i hurt my ankle yesterday.
so i can't walk without too much frickin' pain with it. ow. ow. ow.
oh, i didn't cut though.
happy?
ugh.
i hate it.
mile a minute. mile a minute. mile a minute.
three by three by three.
like that?
i can think, but i can't. can and can't.
want to shut up. ow.

i go around stiffly, muttering "no no nO nO NO NO NO No No no no..."
no other words.
i hate this.
don't wanna be so fricked up. don't wanna be.
escape, escape. escape.

please, oh, please.
oh please, oh.

i hate myself.
i hate the world.
i hate everything.
universe.

in these moments, i want to scream.
i want to leap away.
into the sky.
fall into the sky.

if i could, if i could, if only...


so.
i will say though, that i am thankful.
for my control, what there is of it.
and that this doesn't happen more often.

i don;t know how to make it go away.
i'm crying out.
Please, oh please.
Oh.
i don't know.
i just don't know.

i hate it.
no, i don't hate you.
but i do.
that is the problem when i'm like this.
this is a state of only absolutes.
vicious and relentless.

i wanted to post a blog to come back to later to see what it's like when i'm like this. to show that this is a side of me. a darker side. a lost side.

merciless place. state of being.

typing helps keep me focused.
helps me relax a little.

i'm tired of thrashing about. i'm afraid i'll get hurt. can;t hurt myself now.
i'd call someone, but i think all i could manage with that is a mix of muttering and screaming, too fast to make sense.
don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings anyway.
plus, i'm afraid i'll throw m phone across the room and break it.
can't be trusted to hold anything like that right now.

blah blah blah my mind has escaped to various nooks and crannies.
haha.
it's like my mind was water in a glass, and someone dumped it out all over the floor. and now it's running even father, stretching out farther, drops separated. millions of drops.

and nothing really matters then.
how do you get all that water back into the cup?

haha. my cup runneth over. haha.
okay, not really funny.

anyway, that's it.

i'll leave off here.

and i swear, i don't really hate anything.
i've even calmed down a little bit.

all my love,
Heather