Sunday, April 4, 2010

with our matchstick fingers and paper hearts

we could so easily burst into flames.

so i'm wondering: is it possible for sugar to cause depression? because i could almost swear it can. i had more sugar today than usual, and here i am feeling lowly. oh, so.

ah, what a trying day. we went to my aunt's mother's place for Easter dinner. it was nice to see some people today. not very eventful though. except i find it funny that i kept cracking up because they had, like, four different stuffed animals that sing a song and move or dance when you squeeze their hand or foot, and they were all on at once, and running into each other, and one was a donald duck bunny that freaked out if you picked it up by its ears, and oh, it just was so freaking funny. you just had to be there to see the humor though. like my run-on sentence though?

last night was kinda fun. the fire was awesome, but it was kinda crowded with children that aren't normally at the church, children who were quite rude, i must say. there i was, waiting in line, and this little boy, but not too little, just shoves right into me. i mean, really? he had to have been old enough to be better about that kind of thing. oh, well. children. and the parents who don't bother to keep better track of them.

i am so, so, so worn down. i am. i've been tired all day.
doesn't help that this morning my chest got all constricted, with a very sharp pain in my lungs, which caused me to have quite a bit of trouble breathing. and this all during church. i just kept praying i wouldn't pass out, and thank-whoever heard me- that i didn't. but it was so very painful i wanted to scream. i didn't do that either. nor did i cry.
ugh, i just have issues like that sometimes. issues that pop up, ones that doctor's can't figure out a reason for.

oh, yeah. did i ever mention that my father f***ing pisses me of with the way he complains about things sometimes. he wanted to freaking argue about the fact that my sister doesn't call him. oh, he kept saying how disappointed he was.
i kept wanted to yell at him that i got it the first time.
it's like "oh, me, i'm just oh, so, terribly disappointed, i'm just disappointed about this, i'm disappointed about it, blah bla blah..."
seriously sometimes i'm just thinking "STFU stop complaining!"
omfg. it makes me so mad. all the whining and complaining about how this and that isn't how he wants it and there's no good reason it shouldn't be. especially considering that he's rather lucky to be alive, considering. you'd figure he'd be more appreciative of what he has, but he isn't. but then, the hypocrite that he is, goes and talks on about how that's how people should be, and he tells people he's like that. liar, liar. oh, dear.
i just...don't have the sympathy for someone who acts like such a child most of the time. he needs to grow up.
trust me, i could rant and rant about my father and the things he does that either annoy me, inconvenience me, or anger me. but i'll stop here.

oh, but it's actually me who often says the things to him about being more thankful and accepting what you have and being more positive. those things he repeating to others as if it were he who follows such ways.
not saying i'm perfect at those things, but i genuinely believe in appreciating what i have going with the flow of life, and not constantly complaining about things.
of course, he gets it from his mother. and of course, he'll deny he's like his mother in that way.

anyway, moving on.
i want to give my thanks.
i am thankful for people out there who work hard to get to meals together when several family members come over. i understand what it can take to get all that together, and i really appreciate people for being that way.
and i am thankful for self-control, again today, because i was good and didn't stuff myself. i've learned from the past that i always feel so miserable when i do stuff myself and end up wishing i hadn't.

i'm probably going to start really dieting soon. i still have some Easter candy, but i'm already sick of it. i'll probably save most of it, and only eat it every so often.
but it's time. time to commit more to a better diet. i'll be seriously cutting back on sugars and carbs from now on. try to eat more veggies and protein. all of that.
now that Easter's over and done with.
hopefully my self-control will come through for me in this, too. my only problem is that i get irritated when i feel hungry, and my meds increase my appetite so that i feel hungry too much. it practically drives me crazy, no pun intended. but i gotta do it somehow.
i'm hoping the extra water intake will help that. i can try drinking water to make me feel full in the times when i'm not supposed to eat, but feel hungry.
i'll just have to wait, try it out, see how it works for me.

i hope Easter was pleasant for the rest of you.

all my love,

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