Wednesday, March 31, 2010

loving the broken, the disconnected

my answer to a previous question about going to church.
it happened to come to me in church tonight.
the pastor talked about God's love for all, but especially those who are broken. those who have been disconnected from God.
those who are separated, somehow.

the way she talked about God's love made me realize that it is fine for me to go to church, even if I don't fully believe everything.
that the same love is there.
that i am always welcome.
so i feel better about that now, hearing her talk of such things.

and i had the ultrasound today. i won't know the results till i hear from my doctor.
it was an interesting experience. it was just like what i've seen on tv shows and such.
you know, slimy warm stuff they rub over you, and then the little thing they use to move around over that to look at it.
i spent most of the time watching the woman's face while she did because i didn't known where else to look.
but it wasn't as bad as i thought it could be. just somewhat unpleasant to have a full bladder being pushed on a lot.

i figured for sure something would be found, as bad and constant as this pain has been.
so far nothing.

i'll just have to be patient.

and i'm almost finished with The Poisonwood Bible. i would definitely recommend it to other people. it just takes you on a journey. a rather dismal journey, but it's just very realistic and possible for fiction. i guess i like that sort of thing.
even though real often leans toward the depressing things.
pain is more interesting than joy, somehow.
something to do with human nature.
just one of those things.

today i talked to my therapist about my trouble speaking to people. that i'm just self-conscious all the time.
i can't help it.
she said i'm giving other people too much power by being so worried about what to say, worrying about being judged.
but it's like i don't really care about being judged like i used. but the habits formed will not cease and so i stall and can't find the words to say.
she also mentioned i need to do what i can to get out so i'm not sitting around and becoming too "internally focused."
that would lead more often to depression and social troubles.
this, in the time between now and when school starts.
and the last thing was because i space out a lot. she asked me more than once if i did any drugs. but i seriously, honestly don't.
so she said, then maybe it's the medication.
but it's not like my dosage could be lowered, so i don't know.

medications can cause so much trouble. so, so much.
just with side-effects.

so i'm spacey and gaining weight, but the med does what it's supposed to. it really helps. so i'd like to stick with it.

so i'm medicated and it shows. ah, well.

today i am thankful for:
-sunny, warm weather; i got to go sit outside and paint today, which was quite beneficial to my mood. painting always gets out emotions that hav been locked away.
-my mother. there is so much i could say about her. about how awesome she is. but for now, i'll say that i really enjoy getting to talk to her about whatever. it puts me in a good mood and gives another perspective on things to get me thinking. she usually has helpful things to say.

so, all in all, today went well.

all my love,

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