Tuesday, March 30, 2010

if you're lost in the twilight

close your eyes and move on.

first thing on my mind-
i went to to see the doctor today.
he didn't find anything. which figures.
not that my pain is made up, and it kinda sucks to still not have any idea why.
especially when sometimes it's pretty much unbearable.
thus, i've been given a prescription for higher strength ibuprofen
and i get a sot of ultrasound tomorrow.
oh, did i mention i absolutely loathe pelvic exams? because i do.
and i had to get one today, and ugh. ow. ow ow ow.
but anyway, so ultrasound of certain kind to check for anything the doctor might've missed today.
bet that's gonna totally suck though.
plus, i have to drink a bunch of water 1.5 hours beforehand and and hold it, and hope like heck i don't pee my pants. lol. the idea amuses me right now, but tomorrow when i have to do it, i'm sure i'll be much less amused.

sometimes i feel like i'm walking in the dark. through life.
like i can't see anything around me and i'm making guesses on my next move.
and hoping it works out alright.
and sometimes i make mistakes.
but see, i'm pretty much blind, so mistakes are bound to happen.

the path is becoming clearer now. i've pushed my way through to a certain point,
and behold: a flashlight is revealed.
so now i can see better what needs to happen. what needs to be said.
but i'm still in the dark, especially when it comes to certain things.
or rather, uncertain things.

like love.
love is fleeting.
always, always.
even when you have a firm grasp on it,
it still runs off, sometimes taking you along.
but ultimately..it seems to always break away from you.
run, run away.
and you're left wondering why? wandering, why?
okay, maybe not always.
people eventually settle down enough to lock it away so it can't escape.
or so it would seem, based on my observations.
but that's what i really mean, that it gets locked away.
almost hidden.

like, when love is here to stay, you can tell.
but it seems like it's hiding.
or like its presence has died down.

and in the times when the passion is high, it likes to fly away.
so love is fleeting.
for me.

that's still one of those things so uncertain in life.
i am trying to reconnect with someone and it may work, or it may not.
i have no idea which. it isn't really leaning one way or the other.
i am just glad that there is a chance at all.
because one little chance means something.
and i'm such a believer.

i'm believing in myself. <3

and today,
i am thankful for chances. chances at love. chances at life.
chances at dreams, even, though few they are.
and i am thankful for being able to make good choices.

chances and choices go together. because we choose to take chances.
and that's me: taking chances with my words.
that's how it often feels.

sometimes i'm afraid to say anything because of it. it's pushed me into this shy person most people see. and only makes me more closed off.
that's right, i'm afraid.

but recently, i was able to find the right words to say. the words that felt right to say. words that made enough sense so those they were for could understand what i went through.
i am thankful for being able to find the words to say.
it helped in my friendship with two people.

well, i have to go soon.
church service every night since it's holy week.
so that's it for now.

all my love,

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