Monday, March 1, 2010

no satisfaction

i'm just not satisfied with anything these days. oh, and i don't know what it is that makes me that way.
i decided to change my hair, but now that i look at it i find myself seriously missing the way it was. oh well. it'll least.'s March!
i'm kind if excited and kind of not. March gets to be diet month...but oh, it's going to be so tough. i need to lose weight. i'm miserable where i am right now. i'm going to be basically following the south beach diet because that's the only one i've ever tried before that i've lost weight on.

for me, it's really all about control. self control. ugh. it'd sure be easy enough if i only had food in this house that i could eat. but my dad is constantly bringing home all these breads and sweets home and when i see them, my body's instant reaction is "omg sugar!!! gimme gimme gimme! must have it NOW!!!!!"
oh yeah. because i guess i probably have a bit of a sugar addiction. so it's super, super tough, but i'm going to try.
i'll just have to deal when my body freaks out from me not eating so much sugar all the time. it will certainly be interesting.

and so...of course my dad is arguing with me about school. he thinks i should do online courses instead because, well, he has a one track mind. IT'S CHEAPER. oh wow.
seriously though, my dad is cheap. cheaper is better to him, almost no matter what else factors in.
of course, that caught me too though. the price. since it's a good deal cheaper than the other school i could go to.
it's just funny, and stupid, how he talks and has some sort of "attitude" whenever i say, "Well, i'll probably won't do the online school because i don't feel it's right for me." He keeps saying, "You don't have ALL the facts." But the only thing i really don't know is specifically what courses i'll be taking. like that really makes a HUGE difference.
seriously, he needs to stop pissing me off. i can tell he hasn't taken into consideration what it al really means for me, and how well online courses could actually for me. ew. just ew. gtfo already.

Plus, the lady i talked to via phone for online schooling is somewhat a bitch. seriously. you know, i found her to be quite rude at times, and acting like she knew it all, and not really listening to what i was saying about why i thought that online courses might not be such a good thing for me. she pissed me off, too.

so i mean, now i even this negative association with the online thing. it won't keep me from being sensible and choosing it if i really think it's what's best for me. but at the same time..i'm leaning against it.

back to my body issues. i'm really insecure about my weight. everybody tells me i don't look like i weigh as much as i do. but i certainly feel it. and i hate being overweight. i feel fat and ugly. honestly. i just don't like the way i look. i liked how i was back in the beginning of 2009. but gettig back there is going to be tough.

really, truly.

i'll do my best, though.

all my love,

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