You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference.

I'm not really that beautiful. Am I?



so I miss the way I used to feel. That's something I know truly was beautiful. That feeling. So it's something I hope one day I shall feel again. That would be wonderful.


meanwhile, i've made my decision. i'm ditching the online school idea. it's just not for me. it really isn't. i guess i knew that before, but i wanted to make sure. and my father seems to be accepting my choice, even though i overheard him on the phone said something that sounded like he thinks i should do the online thing, but whatever. it's my freaking future.
that reminds me of something else i don't like about him. whenever something happens with me, he's always telling everyone he knows about it. and frankly, i don't need that. plus, then i have nothing to tell people because they already know everything new that's going on. seriously annoying.

oh, and i had a little "WTF" moment when my dad got home from his staff meeting and told me that the pastor just went ahead and made a grooming appointment for my puppy. i mean, sure, she's paying for it, so not too big of a deal, but wtf? like, you're not even going to ask first? i know she bought me the puppy in the first place, but i don't like her just making decisions.
honestly, my puppy doesn't really need to be groomed. his fur isn't even close to being fully grown out yet, so there isn't much to groom. but whatever.

what's worse is, my father does it, too. i told him i have my puppy, Tobi, on a feeding schedule, and that i'll just be in charge of feeding him and giving him water, and he keeps going and randomly feeding him whenever.
and then today, he had a bone leftover from some barbeque steak thing and said something about giving it to Tobi. i told him not to, but what did he do? Well, of course, i went into my room to find Tobi with that bone.
it's just one more thing that feels like i don't get to have any control in my life.
it's my puppy, and my life, in general, and i want that control. but other people keep treating me like a child. it sucks that i'm stuck living with my dad, but at least i should be able to get out next year.

i want my freedom back. really, really, truly.


i can't help but thinking of the peple i miss. the times i miss. all these things, so many things, that i've lost. that are gone.
some things i might not get back.
and that scares me.
it does.

all my love,
Heather