time after time

it's so strange, this feeling i get.
it's like i'm running out of time. i feel like i don't have much time left.
for what, though, i do not know for sure.
almost like life itself is unwinding.
and it scares me.
and i don't get where the idea comes from because it's not like i have some disease or illness that would cut my life short.
it's like a sense of impending doom though.

people often say to me about how much time i have left to do what i want to do, but a voice in the back of my mind always disagrees with that.
but i don't let it keep me from doing things normally.
it just..bugs me a little bit, having that feeling.


i am making progress with some things. i'm eating better, although i haven't lost any weight. i also haven't bitten my nails for 3 days now, which for me, is a big deal, since i've been biting my nails for over ten years, every single freaking day since i started back when i was only nine years old. there happens to be a teacher who made me really nervous and i remember that m nail-biting started sometime during her class.
while that may not be the real cause, as other, more troubling things were occurring in my life then, that happens to be the start.
people that scare me.

i think that i am certainly a better person than i was a year ago. my habits are slowly becoming healthier: physically, mentally, and emotionally.
and though i'm still attached to some things from before, i'm attached in a different way.

i am learning all the time. and i'm making progress. and hopefully that will amount to something. life seems to be falling into place now.
i can see myself living better than before.
and on my own.
and making my own way.
and i'm on a path to get there.

so i think things will turn out well enough.

i still want to find love again.
and in the future, i'd like to have a family.
with someone special.
which seems harder to attain than a decent career, even with the economy as it is now.
love is often a difficult venture.

but i know when the time comes again,
i'll be much more prepared to handle it.

all my love,
Heather